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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should a happy marriage feel like?

51 replies

PurplePrincess31 · 25/11/2020 20:08

Just that really. Is it possible to feel happily married after 20+ years together when life and kids take over?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 25/11/2020 20:44

Yup. But every relationship has its tough patches.

Mixitupalot · 25/11/2020 20:55

It feels like warm hugs & just general happiness. I look forward to him coming home everyday & spending time together. We’re still very much in love 14 years later.

In saying that, we had a very tough time a few years ago. We got over it by communicating everything & being open about our real feelings.

xsquared · 25/11/2020 20:59

Yes but I think it takes real effort and open, honest communication.

Don't take each other for granted and make a point of spending time as a couple.

maras2 · 25/11/2020 21:13

Maybe we're just lucky (or smug marrieds)?
But.
Still in the 'Honeymoon phase' 45 years on.
Been lockdowned since March and enjoying it.
Adult DC's and DGC's are amazing but adhere to Covid rules and phone/txt/email etc before visiting the 'waving window' instead of just surprising us Blush
Thank goodness for tech but thank goodness for our happy relationship. Glitterball

IndecentFeminist · 25/11/2020 21:24

We have a very happy marriage, he's my best friend. I'm not an overly romantic, sexual person but he's my favourite person.

Retiremental · 25/11/2020 21:26

Mutual respect.
Wanting your partner to be happy.
Apologising when you’re grumpy/shouty/wrong.
Being able to move on from disagreements without rehashing them continuously.
Never, ever deliberately hurting each other by actions or words.
Having broadly the same attitude to finances.
Doing small things that you know will make them happy.
Realising that even the happiest of marriages require work.
Making a real effort to address issues.
Being respectful.
Warmth and intimacy.

There are probably more but when I look at my marriage, those are sone of the reasons that it works for us.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 25/11/2020 21:46

For us, one surprisingly big part is... manners. Really. Being genuinely thankful when DH hands me the tv remote or when I hand him dinner. It's the same for the kids. A thank you when you open a door or pass the salt. I'm surprised at how much of a nice, cheerful feeling it brings. It was quite noticeable when I stayed with a friend and they all just barked orders at each other or never said thank you because it simply wasn't expected. The atmosphere was almost grumpy.

DH and I love to spend time together. We try to always compliment each other randomly, and we often walk up and give the other a snuggle as they're doing the washing up or making a cuppa. This wasn't always the case. We were just... normal years ago. However, once I realised that we didn't feel close, I showing physical affection a lot, DH did too and it actually brought us closer.

We watch the same tv shows (even if it's more mine or his kind of thing)
We do the shopping together because it's easier. We share household tasks when we can. When I know DH is off to change the beds I go help because it takes seconds with two working as a team. He does the same when I'm changing the beds. (Though sometimes one will sneak away and do it to surprise the other with a nice fresh bed that night.) Or if One of us goes to empty the kitchen bin, the other will pop the new bag in or take the full bag to the wheelie bin.

It's a happy, harmonious house where DH and I move in sync, like those cheesy tv ads where the couple are throwing plates and food to each other making a meal like a dance.

Our happy marriage doesn't feel like hard work. Being happy feels normal and effortless, even after 16 years.

lockedownloretta · 25/11/2020 21:49

it feels like home.
Home is where he is.

We've been together 28 years and he is just my favourite person in the whole world. he's my rock.

PurplePrincess31 · 25/11/2020 22:39

I guess it’s not supposed to feel like you are just 2 people sharing a house then?

OP posts:
copperoliver · 25/11/2020 23:29

Yes have to work at it, still find time to do stuff together even if it's only watching a film when the kids have gone to bed ect. Date night once a month. X

frozendaisy · 25/11/2020 23:58

They make you a better person. Whatever that means for you.

romany4 · 26/11/2020 00:10

We are kind to each other. Always.

We talk, we laugh, we put each other first. We look after each other.
He's my world.
Kids grown up and left home now. We've been married for 30 years

notangelinajolie · 26/11/2020 00:30

A long happy marriage for us is a happy and contented kind of feeling. Being able to know what each other is thinking without saying anything. Lots of (happy and sad) shared memories and looking forward to and planning growing old together. And feeling warm and fuzzy knowing you will be together forever.

mummyof2lou · 26/11/2020 06:26

@PurplePrincess31

I guess it’s not supposed to feel like you are just 2 people sharing a house then?
@PurplePrincess31 I feel like you do. After reading all these comments, I feel like I'm doing this all wrong Sad
Toilenstripes · 26/11/2020 06:34

Lots of laughs
Not hard work, no matter what others say about marriage
Being kind and gracious, especially when they’re having a hard time
Doing nice things for each other

Longwhiskers14 · 26/11/2020 06:37

@Retiremental

Mutual respect. Wanting your partner to be happy. Apologising when you’re grumpy/shouty/wrong. Being able to move on from disagreements without rehashing them continuously. Never, ever deliberately hurting each other by actions or words. Having broadly the same attitude to finances. Doing small things that you know will make them happy. Realising that even the happiest of marriages require work. Making a real effort to address issues. Being respectful. Warmth and intimacy.

There are probably more but when I look at my marriage, those are sone of the reasons that it works for us.

This is pretty much the list I'd write, plus just really, really liking them as a person. On a personal note, I'd add lots of laughing too. With each other –and at each other! Seeing the lighter side of things helps you avoid sweating the small stuff.
Longwhiskers14 · 26/11/2020 06:41

@PurplePrincess31

I guess it’s not supposed to feel like you are just 2 people sharing a house then?
Sometimes it can feel like that when life gets in the way and you're focused on other stuff and not each other, but that's when you have to put the work in and get through it. Relationships are like houseplants - most of the time they are perfectly content to be left alone but you have to regularly water them and give them attention if you want them to keep flourishing and growing.
PornStarOvaltini · 26/11/2020 08:34

Relationships go through periods like that OP - it's inevitable with kids and busy lives. Start small by setting aside some time to be together, and my biggest piece of advice would be don't be resentful of anything as it eats away at you. Be your best self - polite, caring, kind - no matter how he is. It'll make you feel good.

Livandme · 26/11/2020 12:29

If you are asking, you don't have one. Otherwise you'd know.

I've been there too.

lifeis48 · 26/11/2020 15:16

A happy marriage should make you feel loved and wanted. Together for 32 years and just as good today. Of course everyone says things get stale after such a long time. Main thing is to be aware if that happens and do something about it!

steppemum · 26/11/2020 15:21

well, if everyone else left, kids, dog, etc, and it was just us, would I wnat to be with him, talking to him, doing things with him, or would I not be bothered and he could leave to?

definitely the first. Don't get me wrong, I like my own space, but I like being around him.

But I also think you can loose your way and then come back from that. You need to actively choose to soend time together and find things ot enjoy about each other again.

Supereager · 26/11/2020 15:55

I’m obviously doing it wrong but then I wonder how many of these happy 20+ have Primary aged kids (multiple) at home during lockdown?

Chamberlai · 26/11/2020 16:02

In answer to your OP: It feels fun, it feels effortless, it feels like we are one person. I'm an introvert, but being with DP doesn't drain me like being with anyone else does - I can relax and be fully myself around him. 26 years together and it gets better as the years go on and we have more shared history.

Of course, we don't have kids, which helps massively I think.

EspressoX10 · 26/11/2020 16:03

I could've written your post Dreadingseasonfinale2020.

It always amazes me that lovely people who wouldn't dream of being horrid to a stranger in a car park speak to their husband/wife with zero respect and/or kindness.

It takes a lot to make a marriage work long term, but good manners and respect for each other are probably the base for our relationship (of 20 years).

EspressoX10 · 26/11/2020 16:11

Supereager we've had our primary aged DC at home during lockdown with the added challenge that our 8 year old DD has additional needs (Autism) and is non-verbal. She also wakes up religiously at 4am every night, but that's another thread.

So plenty of homeschooling, both working from home, self-administered therapy, speech and language exercises at home etc.

It was a very hard year, but my marriage made it easier and better not harder, which I guess is the point of a good partnership. You get to lean into it.