What should a happy marriage feel like?

[PurplePrincess31]

Just that really. Is it possible to feel happily married after 20+ years together when life and kids take over?

@Supereager

I’m obviously doing it wrong but then I wonder how many of these happy 20+ have Primary aged kids (multiple) at home during lockdown?

Us. Two primary and one teen. It's been brilliant. A proper happy house full of laughter, snuggles and kisses. Not from the teen of course. She's too cool for that. But she does make a lovely cuppa and sorts out the younger two's lunches out when we're busy.

Speaking to each other in a kind and respectful way, sharing jokes, surprising each other with gestures or small surprises, sharing the chores, discussing things and finding amicable agreements, doing things together but also giving each other space, being each other's cheerleader, wanting the very best for that person. There really is no one else I'd rather be with. We've been together 13 years, though married only three weeks !

Absolutely, he’s my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him.
We lean on each other and he 100% makes me a better person.
He’s not overly romantic but if I’m late home after a hard day at work a hot bath will be waiting.
Lockdown has been hard but he’s made that much easier than I could have imagined. I actually fell deeper in love with him listening to him in business meetings and then homeschooling our 2 girls. We’re a little team of 4 and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
We’ve been through rough patches but have always worked through these by communicating and somehow finding our way back together.

I’m obviously doing it wrong but then I wonder how many of these happy 20+ have Primary aged kids (multiple) at home during lockdown?

With all due respect, lockdown isn't the first or only bad thing that has happened to everyone. I had young children at a time when I was seriously ill. At a time when we thought dh might die. At a time when dd was unable to stand and walk due to severe chronic pain and the consultant thought we might be abusing her. When we couldn't go anywhere because she was in too much pain to sit in a wheelchair. And were still under investigation by SS because her school wouldn't accept her diagnosis. My youngest was not yet into his teens when she made her first suicide attempt.

Couldn't have coped with any of that if it hadn't been because I felt so strongly that there were two of us there, that dh had my back, that we had that companionship, that however bad things got we could always take comfort in each other.

I do think it is true what they say that pressure will bring out cracks in many relationships but also that it will make a strong relationship stronger.

Been together for 37 years, though the first 10 were a long distance relationship. But then again, that had its pressures, especially as there was no internet in those days and phone calls were too expensive, so most of it had to be conducted by letter & meeting up twice a year.

I don't think it will necessarily feel "happy" all the time, and even the happiest of relationships will face their rough patches. I would say there is an overall sense of contentment and mutual support (interspersed with intense irritation about inability to take out the bins or stack the dishes correctly 😁).

@Supereager

I’m obviously doing it wrong but then I wonder how many of these happy 20+ have Primary aged kids (multiple) at home during lockdown?

3 aged 12, 15 and 17.

Believe me, I would much, much rather have had 3 aged 6, 9 and 11. Homeschooling primary is a piece of piss compared to trying to get a GCSE student and an A level student to do enough work to allow them to pass exams this summer. Add on a 12 year old who was self harming and desperately needed help, wich wasn't available.
The only age I wouldn't have swapped for is pre-school.

Lockdown was hard, especially the first one, when there was no school.
But we aren't talking about just lockdown, we are talking about marriage. 21 years this year. It is still good. We have ups and downs, but the downs are never enough to make me think I was rather he wasn't there.

Contentment.

YYY to what everybody is saying about occasional irritation and rough patches but also importance of speaking respectfully to each other, being each other's cheerleader, sharing small gestures and jokes.

It's when times are really tough, you know that if they put your arms around you and hold you, it will help make you feel like you can cope.

Just that really. Is it possible to feel happily married after 20+ years together when life and kids take over?

Yes if you are both prepared to communicate and put in the effort for it. No if your not.

@Supereager
Am with you on this one...
since March has been hell every single day!
Making plans for the end!

I adore my DH, he is the best looking man in the world, he is my knight in shining armour, fantastic dad of my 5 DC and we laugh every day. I am so proud of him and he supports me in every thing I do. He is my biggest fan and I am his! Been married 25 years .

I should say our 5 DC!

My husband and I have been together since 1995.
We are both 40. I adore him and I feel adored.
He hugs me all night. I feel warm and safe with him.
He makes me breakfast, tells me I look gorgeous and then cuddles me before we both leave for work.
He texts me throughout the day, just to let me know he’s thinking of me; can’t wait to get home; needs a hug.
We’re excited to see each other after work. First thing he does is give me a long cuddle and a kiss.
We spend the evenings and weekends together. Either snuggling up on the sofa, or doing some shopping or going for lunch.
He tells me he loves me all the time. He complements me everyday, telling me how pretty I am, or how great I look. He’s kind and sweet and generous.
He’ll buy me treats only small things, like a Diet Coke and a Wispa, but he never forgets me.

I feel happy, lucky, loved, special, sexy, wanted, warm secure, confident, satisfied, interested in him, turned on by him and peaceful.

He does anything for me. He likes whatever I like. If he goes to a works do, he must bring me, or he won’t go. He likes to be at home with me and our son and I like to be at home with him and our son and nothing else matters.

@steppemum

well, if everyone else left, kids, dog, etc, and it was just us, would I wnat to be with him, talking to him, doing things with him, or would I not be bothered and he could leave to?

definitely the first. Don't get me wrong, I like my own space, but I like being around him.

But I also think you can loose your way and then come back from that. You need to actively choose to soend time together and find things ot enjoy about each other again.

Absolutely.

Think I shouldn’t have asked, it’s making me feel more depressed reading about all these happy marriages. We get on ok, have similar interests but just don’t seem to have any fun together. When we get away from normal life things are ok but obviously it’s difficult to get out at the mo but even before it was rare to have time alone. He spends most of his time in his office whether or not he’s working, rarely does much with the kids, never suggests doing anything, he says he loves me but it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe I should make more effort but I have in the past and don’t feel it’s appreciated so don’t particularly feel like it.

Same here (wish I hadn't read all the happy comments) when do you know if its just a rut or the end ?

@PurplePrincess31

I guess it’s not supposed to feel like you are just 2 people sharing a house then?

Nope. It feels lovely, relaxed and content

I read once that if it would be easier if they died and you got their life Insurnace / inheritance.

Then it's probably over.

Sounds morbid but I'm sure there's plenty people in marriages that would rather have 200k.

@Livandme

If you are asking, you don't have one. Otherwise you'd know.

I've been there too.

Not necessarily. If everyone around you, RL and SM, is socialising/doing hobbies together/having regular sex/having heart-to-heart convos/arguing and making up, and you are not, you could well worry whether apparent quiet contentedness was a recipe for continued contentment or an indication of stagnation and drifting apart.

I agree that it should feel easy and not like hard work. Being kind and grateful for the little things you do for each other. Looking forward to spending time together. I’m sorry things aren’t great for you op. Is it just a phase do you think? How old are your dc? We were much more tired and spent less time together when the dc were little.

Can I ask when did your DH stop being the love of your life? Was it a gradual process or did he do something ( or not) which made it the end for you?
A friend I have who would I think, have been the absolute ideal wife always putting her dh first in every thing and minimising her own needs.

What happened? He bowed out of family life and had an affair, they are now divorced.
.
Personally I believe some women can be too nice and compromising and then get taken advantage of.

I am not 1950 s ideal wife material at all and I am a staunch feminist so household chores are equally done as is children stuff.
I suppose you have to lay down the ground rules early on and don't enable your DH to become selfish, inconsiderate and unkind.

Successful relationships give and take.

OP I am so sorry that you feel this way.

I wonder, what was it that attracted you in the first place and is any of that still there? Do you thnk, that given some time and care from both of you that you would like to spend more time with him, getting close again?

We once did a marriage course, and they got us to do an exercise where they said write down 5 thigns that attracted you to your spouse when you first met and 5 things that attract you now. It was quite revealing and got us thinking. So I guess I am saying, is there anything left there?

If there is, then maybe it is time to rock the boat, to take a risk, renew or finish this marriage. Talk to him about how you feel and make a plan to get to know each other again. Maybe even 'date' each other. Get the babysitter in, (OK, in a few weeks when you can) book the meal, dress up, go out and treat it as if you had just met.

Yes of course. I’ve been married for 20 years and I’m happy. I can’t remember the last time we had an argument and we still shag like teenagers.

@PurplePrincess31

Think I shouldn’t have asked, it’s making me feel more depressed reading about all these happy marriages. We get on ok, have similar interests but just don’t seem to have any fun together. When we get away from normal life things are ok but obviously it’s difficult to get out at the mo but even before it was rare to have time alone. He spends most of his time in his office whether or not he’s working, rarely does much with the kids, never suggests doing anything, he says he loves me but it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe I should make more effort but I have in the past and don’t feel it’s appreciated so don’t particularly feel like it.

Do you know what he is doing when he is in his office?