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Original poster

Dds contact with dad - what should I do?

31 replies

Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 12:50

Dd is 2 and sees her dad every other weekend for 1 night (soon to be moving to 2 nights), she doesn't see him during the week due to the distance between households and despite being advised by courts to do video contact to keep up contact he refuses to do this. Contact couldn't happen every weekend as dd would be unable to see any family on my side (pre covid) and she also attends nursery so would give us no quality time.

Problem I am having is dd always returns from weekend in distress, is angry, unsettled, having nightmares. It usually takes a good few days for her to settle down. I've tried discussing with her dad but he just says she seems to be happy when with him, sleeps 14 hours straight in her own bed (she never does this for me, always ends up sneaking into my bed). And I'm wondering am I doing something? Is there anything I can do to help her?

She is more than happy to come back to me and at handover's she screams, her dad also wasn't ever involved with looking after her until June of this year (he was around but just didn't care for her and we split June 2019) if that helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 13:23

Bump

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2020 13:34

Do not keep subjecting her to him, why is contact also being increased to two nights at all?. Is that being done because he says so?.

If court ordered video contact is not being adhered to by him then I would inform the court of this.

TheDowagerDuchess · 25/11/2020 13:38

I really wouldn’t increase it to two nights! Doesn’t sound like it’s in her interests at all.

If he isn’t doing his video contact and that’s in the court order then that would be a reason to apply back to the court and get the overnight contact removed altogether.

Sounds as though she’d be far better off not going.

He may well be lying about how she is at his - 14 hours straight sleep sounds a bit unbelievable in itself!

Badwill · 25/11/2020 14:52

She might sleep 14 hours (my DD1 was one of these rare unicorns!) but if she never does it for you I'd bet she's awake sooner and he just doesn't hear her/ignores her.

When I leave my DC with their dad for a night they're often irritable and unsettled for a couple of days. We're still married and that's leaving them in the same house! He's lazy, sticks them in front of the television for hours on end, never brings them anywhere, usually doesn't even bother getting them dressed. Basically benign neglect. The rules are different with him and he doesn't try to listen/understand when they have a tantrum he just gets cross.

So it's no wonder they basically melt down when reunited with their main care giver. I think this is pretty typical for young children. I wouldn't increase the overnights either. Not until she's a few years older and can cope better with being away from you. Anyway he could take her for the day and drop her back to you at bedtime?

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 15:21

The two nights increase is court ordered and is an interim order, from what I understand interim orders can't be varied before a final hearing but because of covid the hearing isn't until mid 2021.

@Badwill, I wish dd would sleep that long but she never has, most she'll do is 12 if she is shattered (plus a nap), he said she had 14 and plus a 90 min nap. Also no way he would agree to dropping the overnights even if I tell him she is unsettled because as far as he is concerned she is find with him. However funny you should about your husband letting your dd watch tv all day as my ex did mention this, Ive given him tips on things she likes doing but not sure if he took them on board. He was very neglectful as a father when she was younger, would about at her etc now I have no idea but I suspect he hasn't changed much.

As for the video calls and stopping overnights based on this, wouldn't the courts see that as being unreasonable? I know the calls are there to keep contact up but as far as ex is concerned unless it's face to face he isn't interested.

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TerribleLizard · 25/11/2020 16:07

I really struggle to see what a 2 year old gets out of this sort of arrangement. Really seems to be mainly suited to her dad, and I imagine most toddlers would cope better with regular trips out, and home to their own bed.

Even trips with me to grandparents take mine a day to settle from (granted, we would be on the train so quite busy and they have to pay attention a lot) and a change of place can be quite tiring, especially with a different person who does everything differently, so I can see how she would sleep more than usual there.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 25/11/2020 16:15

Has he a reputation for always telling the truth op?

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 16:36

Thing is she is shattered when she gets back too, tries to catch up on sleep but has nightmares. The last time she fell asleep early only to wake up screaming and lashing out, took half and hour to get her to calm down, first time in her life that I've really had no clue what to do.

I do think it's a lot for her, especially from someone he didn't take any interest in her and went months without seeing her. But I agree regular contact would be better but ex works during the week as do I and he wouldn't travel down to see her for a few hours nor will he video call.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper, most definitely not, but as the judge says if I don't have any proof how can I know what is happening in their time together other than what he says.

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TerribleLizard · 25/11/2020 16:52

I bet she’s exhausted when she gets back to you. It’s a huge thing to cope with and process. 2 year olds have a short attention span so a 5 min call every day or so wouldn’t be arduous for her dad to fit in, surely. I’d be cross that he wasn’t doing that, because it will make her more comfortable. It seems really hard for a toddler to suddenly be staying away from you ever couple of weeks.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 25/11/2020 16:58

I would be packing a nanny cam in a soft toy...

TerribleLizard · 25/11/2020 17:00

Does he video call you when she is with him? Or would that upset her to see you?

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 17:07

I do video call her on the 2nd day, he however doesn't want me to do these calls but again it's court ordered, she seems ok when I call but apparently really distressed when I hang up.

As for him with the video calls, I've offered these whenever he likes, he isn't interested and says she'll get no benefit from them at all. Between contact he doesn't even check or ask how she is, poor babe had a trip to the hospital the other week, apart from the day she went in he didn't ask how she was at all even though it's a recent on going health issue. So apart from additional overnight contact he wouldn't be interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 17:08

I've tried offering her comfort blanket too but he said she didn't need if after her first night.

OP posts:
Inpeace · 25/11/2020 17:14

The video calls are presumably for your daughter to retain her connection to him. She is tiny and would benefit from this. Just a few seconds should not inconvenience him.
Is he hiding from you facilitating this?

Could a relative briefly FaceTime him with your daughter on the middle weekend? For her sake.

TerribleLizard · 25/11/2020 17:14

Honestly I don’t know why he wants to have her overnight (which is obviously harder work than just taking her to the park/soft play and then for some lunch or a cake or whatever) but won’t video call. Of course she isn’t going to sit and chat for an hour - but seeing him every day for 5 min would make a difference to how comfortable she is with him over time.

Not wanting to check in about her is also odd. It’s not a maintenance dodge is it?

user17425642134531 · 25/11/2020 17:30

History of DV?

WindblowingSW · 25/11/2020 17:35

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

I would be packing a nanny cam in a soft toy...
Illegal as it also is to breach the order.

Report and log with GP -every single time. That's all you can do for now and log via text and email the refusal to do video calls direct to ex and her distress- every single time. Log with nursery and and GP each time it happens.

You MUST do your video calls. Ask him via email why he thinks she is so distressed etc?

Any possibility of abuse here? hate to ask -physical, emotional, mental etc? or even sexual -don't be closed to the possibility -keep your eyes and ears open but you can not breach the order. Log also with CAFCASS.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 17:36

@Inpeace what do you mean by Is he hiding from you facilitating this? But yes the calls are to retain a connection, I do the same between dd and one of her aunt's who has moved abroad, even after months of not seeing her dd still kisses the phone screen. But I've tried pushing the video calls he has flat out said no and he isn't one to change his mind, certainly not when someone is telling him to.

@TerribleLizard, between maintenance and his parents wanting to see dd. I've never stopped them but I know ex lied about why I left to them so wouldn't surprise me if he says I don't want them seeing her. I also think his mum spends the night when dd goes overnight so hence I don't think it would be too much work for him as him mum would do quite a bit.

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Inpeace · 25/11/2020 17:40

I just meant he has to cooperate with you to achieve a positive video call for a toddler - you both have to behave like friends almost during the call - hey dd here’s daddy - hey dd there you are with mummy what have you been doing - well we have been playing zoos haven’t we dd, tell daddy which animals you liked best etc

TerribleLizard · 25/11/2020 17:58

So he pays less maintenance, and has his mother round so he doesn’t have to do too much with her when she stays. What a guy.

The video calls will absolutely help their relationship in the long run. But this will always be tough on her. My partner worked away for a stretch and the children were a similar age, and took a long time to get used to the change each time. We wouldn’t choose to do it again. I had EOW visits when I was a kid, and even when older it was quite stressful, and I could understand what was going on. So tough on a toddler.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 18:18

@Inpeace ah I understand. No he has no interest in doing this. He did call for her birthday but she just screamed and cried at him and ran behind me. But even more reason to get her ok with him.

@user17425642134531, yes a history of emotional and sexual dv, and emotional towards dd of which he admitted in court but minimised.

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Inpeace · 25/11/2020 18:44

Do you have a Cafcass officer overseeing?

If so they would want to know that he is picking and choosing to dd detriment.
I imagine it was designed to all work together. Ask them what to do.

MollyButton · 25/11/2020 18:51

I would definitely be taking her to the GP about her nightmares.

Also keep a diary, longing her behaviour changes etc. Get a page a day diary and start filling it in, not biased to just when she is at her Dad's/just back. This is useful evidence both if she has SN of some kind including anxiety and to show if there is a "pattern of behaviour" linked to her contact with her father.
Also make sure he has written notification of advice from the GP/other health professionals.
You protect her by building evidence.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 18:52

@TerribleLizard, yes he certainly isn't the worlds best father.

@WindblowingSW, definitely logging everything and having nursery keep an eye too.

I really just want to find a way to make things easier for her, but where I do try ex doesn't want to know.

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Original poster
Survivingastorm · 25/11/2020 22:16

@Inpeace cafcass were involved however no longer are as the section 7 has been completed. I do intend on raising this in court however with regards to him not wanting to video call dd and if it continues to stop overnights all together.

@MollyButton my gp has actually been amazing as she knows my situation so I'll definitely get hold of her. I'll also do the day to day diary. Dd hasn't seen her dad in 3 weeks due to her hospital stay, she had a major regression in speech since contact started again, since not seeing him all of a sudden she is starting to talk more. Could just be development, she also is being assessed for autism so it could be that too.

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