I cannot cope with OH at home

[jamdonuts]

I've reached my limit. I have so much resentment towards him. I don't know if I'm depressed again or is he a lazy, irritating item in this house. He's had the majority of this year on furlough , I work p/t from home, and have 4yo. He spends his entire day in the spare room 'office' sighing, and on his phone, laptop, doing hobbies I don't even know, appears to makes his own lunch and then goes away again. He has done no major projects, no DIY, not exercised, nothing. I have encouraged him to go out etc, asked if he felt down. I wish he could go back to work, but even then he just complains about everything being so hard and tiring and painful on his knees (but refuses to help himself physio wise). We have had many arguments about chores and him pulling his weight . He is the type that would only do a wash if he were to run out of clothes, only go shopping if he were hungry. Infuriates me. Why do I constantly have to ask him to do things? I don't see the point in him sometimes, he just angers me. I'm stressed with work, I do all of the things with 4yo and run the house (not his DC). Things were different a year ago, we saw much less of each other and enjoyed our evenings together. This year has been a real eye opener, will it get better? I honestly don't know what to do. He knows how I feel but keeps saying in a high pitched voice "I've not done anything wrong!" So here I am questioning my feelings, am I a horrible , irritated cow? am I depressed? Is it 2020? Or is he lazy, which is unattractive to me

Laziness is an awful trait. Why are you with him? He’s not the father of your child. Cut your losses and move on.

Does he spark joy? I know that sounds flippant but genuinely if he doesn’t and he adds nothing to your life then why would you continue? Your life would be exactly the same but with less hard work and no resentment

What ‘major projects’ were you expecting him to do? I haven’t done much exercise either - so what?

Who does the house belong to?

@ChrissyPlummer maybe not 'major' but attempted to bake, cook a meal, attacked some of the painting, cut the grass, planted some plants, painted the fence, put up a shed, clear out the loft, empty boxes that havent been unpacked in 2 years, put up pictures. Because he has had no motivation, I did such jobs - whilst working and entertaining child. He complains about boredom . My point is, I find it unattractive that he has had zero motivation to move or lift a finger

The house is mine

Is he you partner or dh op?
Could you kick him out with no repercussions if you wanted too?

We are not married. But were very strong together 3 years, prior to this year healthy, fun relationship, this is why I'm afraid to take such drastic measures. Things are not how they should be right now are they? Or have been this year

As the saying goes.. married for life but not for lunch.

is this the example you have chosen for your DC to learn from. He sounds completely useless and you have finally seen his true self. He isn't even your DC dad- even easier and more the reason to end this. I have a 4yo ds and he is absolutely such a helpful child already - modeled by his dad.
Laziness is something you just don't get rid off.

@ChrissyPlummer

What ‘major projects’ were you expecting him to do? I haven’t done much exercise either - so what?

The problem is that it's bloody annoying having someone in the house doing absolutely nothing while OP is trying to work from home while doing all of the housework (or having to spend time asking her husband to do it) herself as well.

Of course it's a problem.

At least if he had some drive to do something and achieve something it would be a bit better than him basically having taken a holiday from everything of use since March.

Ugh what an unattractive man he sounds

Ah, I see. Sorry, I thought you meant refitting the bathroom or something. Yes, he should be doing his fair share then. TBH, I’ve really struggled to find motivation the last few months, I have still been working f/t throughout. Have you talked to him about it?

You’ve just had an insight into how retirement would be with this man. Deeply boring and irritating. You don’t have to carry on. I think a lot of women are tolerating crap at the moment. Time to get rid of these losers

I honestly wouldn’t put up with that OP. It’s lazy. My partner and I live together, I have a 9 year old DD, not his. He has been working from home full time mon to fri 7am to 7pm and barely gets a break.. on my days off I would bring him in food otherwise he was go hungry as he’s that busy being a manager. I’m a nurse working full time and also pregnant. But my partner still leaves his ‘office’ as soon as he’s done and comes and cleans the house/cooks dinner/ does washing etc. (I will do it on days off but he will still help with hoovering and more heavy stuff as I’ve had a rough pregnancy)Even when I’m working he will look after my DD in the house when she’s been off school. Obviously on my days off I will do my share but from today I’ve been put on bed rest and he’s reassured me he will make more time to come and make sure things are done while I rest. Point is household chores and children are joint responsibility even if it’s not his bio child. He needs to give u much more respect, id be putting my foot down or taking this as an eye opener and making changes

This is exactly why neither me nor my partner have any intention of living together, ever. Being able to do exactly what you want 90% of the time without someone else whingeing, moaning, or getting annoyed at your behaviour is bliss. It must be doubly difficult to bite your tongue given the restrictions that have been in place for most of this year.

I lived with someone else for nearly 20 years, and that got to the point whereby we almost lived separate lives anyway because being in the house together just caused resentment. I have honestly no idea how so many people manage to do it without staving the other person's head in. You don't lose your entire identity as an individual just because you decide to share living arrangements. I think it's odd and unrealistic to expect to not drive each other bonkers if I'm honest.

Ugh he sounds awful. Tell him to shape up or sling his hook.

You should be more annoyed with yourself than you are with him. He is useless and lazy, you clearly can't stand him, yet you allow him to be a feckless cocklodger in your home. Your son isn't even his child. What the fuck are you even doing? Tell him to pack his bags and get out. The good times you had with him was the honeymoon phase, and the honeymoon is over. What you've got now is the real him.

Stop wasting your time and get rid.

In a very similar relationship to OP I think, and I couldn't agree more, get out before you get pregnant and stuck!

You've had this unasked for, unwanted time. And you've answered it yourself.

Whilst I can see PPs saying 'get out, he's lazy' etc and why they're saying it, this year has been very strange.
I have found my OH deeply irritating and unattractive at times. In our case we are both working harder than ever plus kids but we have managed to do house stuff and even paint, garden.
But if I wasn't the driving force behind this it wouldn't have happened.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. This kind of attitude won't help him when he does go back to work, and it IS time to shape up. Lay out your expectations without being personal or overly critical. You can't go on like this, but circumstances are exceptional at the moment. I don't think men are as well equipped to deal with it as women, in terms of messaging friends, keeping in touch etc so he could well be depressed. Hope you get it sorted OP x

Exactly that. My situation is very similar, tbf he is very depressed re not working atm as draws alot of self esteem from it, but his moodiness and rudeness are taking the piss! Yesterday had asked him to get up with kids and take to school as had done so all last week. He got up but with such blustering and stamping I had to as well, no bonus lie in for me, argument ensued when he realised I hadn't made their sandwiches yet, I always do it that morning as think it's more hygienic and well, poor organisation too lol. Comes to a head and of course I'm lazy-which I can be tbf- although I have responsibility for all household chores, if he does anything it's a favour- and worse tells me I'm trying to turn him into a woman by expecting him to make sandwiches for the kids. Hes always worked long hrs before lockdown and I did all house/ kid stuff as it was fair then. Had a total fast forward to retirement, itll still be womans work then wont it and I still wont have any f'ing shelves put up and the back fence will be but a collection of splinters blowing in the night! An exchange like this happens every few days, he's always had a sharp tongue and unpredictable temper, but when it's good its great, but increasingly realising it's only the will of my deliberate blinkerdness making it feel ok. After rows or randomly having a go at me he just carries on as normal so if I'm not walking on sunshine it's me who is carrying on the argument, cant be told etc etc. I do love him but in the 6yrs weve been together I know I've changed so much for the worse as a result of the stress he causes me in so many ways. Hes a terrible role model for our son and my daughter. DD who's 10 heard this exchange, and others before, and I feel like I'm setting her up to accept BS in the future. Wish he'd just go away at this point but he wont, if I ask him to leave he'll either refuse or go but let me know hes going to do himself harm so I panic and get him to come back. With 2 kids and animals I've got nowhere else to go, am broke and the kids are happily settled in school. I'm not faultless in all of this I'm sure but I know the bulk of the problems are his not mine. Tbf I cant imagine life without him, but he wont wake up fixed, there isnt magic enough in the world! AIBU to hope his next tantrum results in an anyerism?!

@jamdonuts

We are not married. But were very strong together 3 years, prior to this year healthy, fun relationship, this is why I'm afraid to take such drastic measures. Things are not how they should be right now are they? Or have been this year

Your four year old couldn't have been more than a baby when you were 'strong together' for three years prior to this year, or have I read it wrong. How long have you lived together?

If he moved in last year and was fine then, it's possible that his change in behaviour and attitude is down to the strange situation of 'this year' that we are all in.

What is wrong with his knees? I presume the man isn't old.

Think seriously about whether you want this relationship to continue. Most of all, do you believe things will be better when he is back at work. You know what he was like before, we don't.

Your dp sounds possibly depressed if he has had a personality change. I’d also be interested to discover how long you’ve been living together. You can’t carry him forever. Right now he’s been furloughed for over 1/5 of your relationship. It will soon be 1/4.

@HPIEX
You can’t stay with someone because they say they’ll harm themselves. That’s blackmail. A life sentence.

@HPIEX this lovely chap says making sandwiches will turn him into a woman?? He’s pathetic and you need a plan - this situation cannot carry on.

Sounds to me like you need a break from him to re-evaluate the situation.
I think my DH is lazy but when I think about what he does in the house it’s not that bad. I think he’s lazy because he won’t do jobs that I want him to do, but equally he doesn’t want to do them.