Confused after a break up, looking for clarity

[LizzieButton]

Hi all,

It's my first time posting here, sorry for the long post. I went through a break up in the summer after three years which I can't seem to get headspace from and I'm not sure why. While he definitely wasn't perfect for a couple of years, I acted quite messily over the few months before it ended and am looking for clarity over why I might be feeling this way and also why I seem to feel such guilt over the ending of it, maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's because I'm still attached.

Start - I came out of a seven year (pretty bad) relationship. Met R online and he was very interested, more interested than I was. I enjoyed the attention and we got serious quite fast.

After six months - I felt him pull away, he went away with work and I barely heard from him. Confronted him when he came back and he admitted he wasn't interested anymore but didn't know how to tell me. A few months on from this I started seeing someone and R came back saying he had made a mistake so I went back to him.

After one year - R broke up with me pretty badly saying he had no feelings for me. A few months on I took him back again because I knew he was struggling with commitment so I made excuses for him and took him back. Then my Mum was diagnosed with cancer, R was quite good at first but when I asked him to help, come see her with me etc he pulled away massively and broke up with me, saying he didn't think he could see himself with anyone (friend later on found him on dating app the next week). This really hurt me and in the middle of looking after my Mum I couldn't believe I was then having to get over him too, we had been on and off for two years at this stage.

A few months on his sister got very unwell, she thankfully pulled through but i was there for him and he came to me saying he was finally ready, I was in the process of buying a house and I do wonder if it was the thought of living together that made him reappear (he was still living at home) and we moved into rented place together while we waited for the house to be ready. He was great during this time, he had been furloughed and I got the R I finally wanted, one showing commitment and planning a future, spent time with our families (he never introduced me to his family for those other years) but i just couldn't do it, I couldn't trust it and I couldn't commit. I acted quite all over the place and I feel I really hurt him. I now seem to have a massive amount of guilt towards him, I really upset him at the end, he had to move back in with family and I have moved into my new house, i've been thinking about emailing him to explain why I couldn't do it and that I'm very sorry but it was simply because of our history. He has sent some texts to be friends but I haven't replied yet because I want to be clear what I want

Send an email if you must but you really don't owe him anything, he's had quite a history of mucking you about especially when you needed him the most, he let you down.
I think he liked the idea of moving into a ready made house but its likely to have not of worked out yet again anyway so you did the right thing.

He's pissed you about far too much. Draw a line under this now, and leave him in your past.

It sounds like you made the decision to move into your property on your own

That is a major decision

I would concentrate on your new life & future

Leave him in the past, he had his chance to have a life with you

I would stay no contact

I just don't know why I have the guilt I have. To have what you wanted for those first years and then to be the one to mess him around feels pretty awful but I tell myself it's because of his actions from those first years

Bloody hell, what a rollercoaster!

You had a good first six months.
Then ghosted and dumped,
then hoovered back when he found you had moved on,
Then dumped again,
then hoovered back again,
Then dumped again when your mum was taking your attention from him
Then hoovered back when he needed support and somewhere to live.

How long was this last 'perfect' relationship bit? He came crawling back when you started the house buying process and you moved in without him. So six months max? Or do I have the maths wrong?

So out of 7 years you've had two six months stints of a 'good' relationship. And you're feeling guilt? He's fucked you around for 6 years ffs.

If guilt is the problem, get counselling. Cos otherwise you're going to allow this futile emotion to fuck up your life and invite Mr Dump-you-regularly-till-he-needs-something back into your life to fuck it up more.

@Thingsdogetbetter

Bloody hell, what a rollercoaster!

You had a good first six months.
Then ghosted and dumped,
then hoovered back when he found you had moved on,
Then dumped again,
then hoovered back again,
Then dumped again when your mum was taking your attention from him
Then hoovered back when he needed support and somewhere to live.

How long was this last 'perfect' relationship bit? He came crawling back when you started the house buying process and you moved in without him. So six months max? Or do I have the maths wrong?

So out of 7 years you've had two six months stints of a 'good' relationship. And you're feeling guilt? He's fucked you around for 6 years ffs.

If guilt is the problem, get counselling. Cos otherwise you're going to allow this futile emotion to fuck up your life and invite Mr Dump-you-regularly-till-he-needs-something back into your life to fuck it up more.

This relationship was for three years, two and a half years of him leaving me and messing me about, and then the last seven or eight months of him being good but I suspect this may be because I thought we could move into the house I was buying together and he started going to counselling, trying to get over his commitment stuff but before we were to move into the house I realised I was still bitter over that stuff and really upset him by saying I wanted to move into the house alone

My apologies. Bad comprehension on my part.

It still stands the two-thirds of your relationship has been him fucking you around. I'd be bloody bitter too! He proved himself to be untrustworthy and uncommitted - he can't just snap his fingers and all is forgotten.

I'd have wanted at least the equivalent of that two-thirds of time of him proving to me that he'd changed before even thinking of renting with him, let alone moving him into my bought home. All this working on himself seems to have coincided suspiciously well with you going to buy a house. Has he ever lived alone? Or does he bounce from parents to gfs?

No, hes only ever lived with housemates but mainly with his Mum at 36 (his Dad died before we met so his excuse for this was looking after her). Had never lived with a girl. I was his first attempt at commitment so I tried to show patience

Why on earth would you expect commitment and an adult relationship from a man who still lives with his mum at 36, and has no plans to buy his own place, or live alone??

Do you not find suspicious that all his 'good' behaviour only started when you provided him with an out from his mum's home, ready made accomodation? There's a great Mumsnet term for this, 'cocklodger'.

Also, he left you when your mum was sick... How on earth could you ever forgive that in the first place?! And then go on to support him with his sister?

And now after all that, you're STILL feeling guilty?? You need to seriously re-assess your view of relationships - you shouldn't have to work so hard to get the basics out of a man. And then feel bad for establishing boundaries. You will be a prime target for all manner for users and abusers, until you develop your self respect and stop tolerating BS behaviour from grown ass men.

Delete him, and block him from your life. He's not you friend, and does not have your best interests at heart.

To have what you wanted for those first years and then to be the one to mess him around feels pretty awful

Also, you DON'T have what you wanted. Unless what you want is to be someone's sugar mama to get a relationship out of them. Respecting someone starts from day 1 - it's not something you discover when you have no other options - and I fully imagine, he did the rounds on dating apps and realised no one else wants a 36 year old with commitment issues, still living at home. So he's come back to old faithful, you. Because he knows he could do anything he wanted, and as long as he paid lip service to a vague future, he'd get away with it.

Don't feel guilty. Feel ANGRY that he messed you about and wasted good years of your life.

I think u realised if u had a baby with him he would cheat and not be around. Move on and find some one else when u r ready to do so

Here's some clarity: R is a mummy's boy and you OP can do better.

He used you, he moved in and was 'perfect' with you because you were a meal ticket - buying a house - free ride for him. He also needed support and you were there.

You feel guilt because you're a nice person and also, too much of a walk over and people pleaser. You came out of a bad 7 year and didn't use what you knew and walked into another. I am saying this not harshly, but as someone who is the same, who hashas done the same. You need to stop caring what a flaky, using person feels. You need to disconnect from his 'pain' and keep moving forward on listening to your intuition. Think about what spurned that response in you, to put a stop to it. Don't feel discomfort from it. You weren't 'all over the place' you were clearly working through a big realisation that you don't trust this person.

If you look back you will realise you probably started listening to that little voice inside you that knows it was bad and wasn't right. It's a traumatic time. But essential and a good thing!! As a people pleaser, we ignore our own discomfort and its not healthy.

Change the feelings of guilt for feeling this way, to feelings of releif and self assurance. You knew it wasn't right and you acted on it. That's a very very good thing. See it as saving you from more years of NOT GOOD ENOUGH from a partner. He's given you 6 'good' months out of three years. It's not anywhere near good enough! Ever! X

Great you escaped a man-child. Reassess your priorities and boundaries before you date again and carry on your life.

Oh my god..what a.rotten man and a complete mind fuck..he left you when your mum had cancer?!?! Do not engage with him, you will get sucked back in!!! Dont feel guilty. You should never have taken him back.

I think you should stay alone in your house and get therapy to understand why you are a people pleaser and change that. The guilt you are feeling isn’t normal, it’s way out of whack and it’s because of the condition you have. You need help before you even think of getting into another relationship. Do not contact him. He’s trying to hoover. If you don’t get help urgently you are forever going to be stuck with this guy. He needs to move out and stand on his own two feet and live on his own for several years. Only then will he be ready to live with somebody. Don’t waste your life on an unsuitable man.

Have you had therapy since your previous relationship? You state that that was pretty bad and it looks like you have had another narrow escape here.

It looks like you could do with taking some time to work through these emotions with a therapist to help you make better relationship decisions in future so you are kinder to yourself and don’t accept being treated so poorly in relationships.

Thanks for the replies. I was very nervous writing all this out yesterday. I know I should have left him earlier and not let him back but he always blamed his 'issues' for leaving and I obviously loved him.

When I left him in the summer I was quite bitter towards him and he kept asking why did I take him back when I was obviously feeling bad towards him.....and he also wasted money on renting with me while we waited for the house, but yeah I do believe he was mainly excited about the house and so was his family. It was a rollercoaster at the end and that's not me, I'm normally a happy go lucky girl but I just was so twisted up (pandemic probably didn't help)

I've been thinking more about this, I know I sound like a broken records. I think I feel embarrassed for how I acted those last few months, I'm normally level headed and I found myself very up and down with him. He probably thinks he got a lucky escape and is probably telling others I was very all over the place and really wish i hadn't been, feel I should have just walked away a year ago when my Mum was sick and left it at that, rather than being the cause of such a messy shitty situation and acting like a bitter lady

Its very difficult for your brain to reconcile this type of intermittent reinforcement OP. I suspect that explains your reactions. I bet that at times, he was the ideal boyfriend and then at other times, and then of course he would dump you and tell you he had no feelings. Its very difficult to deal with because naturally we hope that a relationship will work out.

I honestly think he sounds like such a horrible man. To dump someone that many times is cruel. There is obviously something wrong with him, possibly a personality disorder - its not common for a young man not to wish to escape home and be independent. He's got a bit of a parasitic lifestyle and inability to feel empathy for you going on there OP.

You are allowed to end a relationship at any time, for any reason. You tried to give him another chance but were unable to move past his earlier behaviour, that is not something to feel guilty about. You didn’t cheat on him, you didn’t lie, you just realised the relationship wasn’t right and ended it. The main reason you feel guilty? You put yourself first for once and not his feelings. Please, please get some counselling.

I think it doesn’t matter if the change was real or not - you tried and you realised it was too little, too late and that’s absolutely ok. You’ve protected yourself, your guilt is probably around what ifs - but what ifs are not a preordained future.

“You didn’t cheat on him, you didn’t lie, you just realised the relationship wasn’t right and ended it. The main reason you feel guilty? You put yourself first for once and not his feelings. Please, please get some counselling.”

This, with bells on.

You need to stop overthinking about what he is doing or saying and move on. The last few months of your relationship your gut was screaming at you and thankfully you listened. So you are annoyed about him actually paying rent? Jeez, he's not paid much over 36 years! Was he going to pay towards your mortgage if he waa to move in or some petty offer to cover silly bills such as netflix or such? He is a user who runs hot and cold, you seem to have your shit together. Leave it be, don't email or message, you are in the right here!

Don't blame yourself for not behaving as well as you think you should have. He put you through a lot of crazy-making crap that put a strain on your mental health and emotional well-being. You've made the right decision now and you're best off out of it.

It's what you tolerate at the start that decides what a relationship will be like, in my opinion. Please work on your boundaries and in future relationships, if someone treats you that poorly once, don't stick around for repeat performances.