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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being stupid?

29 replies

Indg7 · 24/11/2020 01:31

Last December I met someone through a mutual friend. We really hit it off and we went out a few times over the next month and it was going well. He was in the middle of getting divorced and he’s got two children. He told me that he and his wife had split in the August, because he had had an affair. He told me that he expected that he and his mistress would be together, but as it turned out the mistress didn’t leave her husband, so when I met him he was single.

Anyway, at the end of January, on a date where I thought everything was going well, he told me that the mistress had been back in touch, and that they’d been for a drink and she’d told him she still loved him, and that this time she was definitely leaving her husband and wanted to be with him, and he said that, however much he liked me, he had to try and make a go of it with her. I was annoyed and disappointed, and told him it was plain as day that she’d got back in touch once she’d heard that he’d moved on with someone else, but I’d only known him a few weeks so that was that.

Anyway, I bumped into him again in February and lo and behold, of course his mistress hadn’t left her husband and I ‘had been right’. He did pass through my mind quite a few times after that, but I didn’t speak to him again till September when I got a message from him out of the blue asking how I was. We’ve been texting since, and he’s asked if I want to go on a (obviously socially distanced) walk one morning next week.

Am I being stupid for even considering seeing him again, when I know he cheated on his wife and has already dumped me once? I feel like I am being, but I’ve been single (excluding flings) for 12 years and he’s the first person in that time who I’ve met and really could see myself being with.

OP posts:
Indg7 · 24/11/2020 01:32

Okay, that was much longer than it needed to be Blush

OP posts:
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 24/11/2020 01:33

You'd be mad to see him again imo.

sofiaaaaaa · 24/11/2020 01:36
  1. He’s already mugged you off and chose someone else over you
  1. Look at how he treated his wife. He won’t treat you any better

He’s only chasing after you because he has no other options. If he had a chance with the mistress again, he’d be all over her and dump you with swiftness

sofiaaaaaa · 24/11/2020 01:43

The fact that you’ve been single for 12 years and can’t get this man out of your head is a problem, if anything. It doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Him being your “only option” makes you desperate/vulnerable as you’re settling for less than you deserve.

Sorry but a man with 2 children; in the midst of a divorce; with a mistress he’s pining after; that has already rejected you once etc is not a good catch. You can do better. There are other men out there for you. You either haven’t been social enough or haven’t given them a chance.

By all means keep it casual and fun if you want, but if you catch feelings you have to prepare to get hurt as he’s clearly not the loyal relationship type.

user1481840227 · 24/11/2020 01:47

I honestly can't see a happy ending for you if you choose to continue this on.
I would imagine he is still pining after his affair partner. Men struggle to get over rejection like that and she probably hurt him a lot. I bet if she clicked her fingers he would go running.
Imagine the pain of always feeling second best....coupled with thinking that you wouldn't be able to trust him.

I know it's hard to cut ties with someone you have feelings for but I imagine the pain now would be nothing compared to the pain you could go through later on!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2020 01:49

Am I being stupid for even considering seeing him again, when I know he cheated on his wife and has already dumped me once?

Incomprehensibly stupid. Come the fuck on, op. He's an admitted cheater who has already fucked you over. You really want more of this?

Indg7 · 24/11/2020 01:59

Yeah, you’re all right.

In all honesty I don’t even have feelings for him really, and it’s definitely not the case that I can’t get him out of my head. I did really like him first time round, but I’m not sure I’ll particularly like or fancy him this time round. I was mainly considering it because of the length of time I’ve been single before meeting someone I thought I could have a relationship with. I’m scared it’ll be another 12 years before the next time.

Whoever said it might be because I’m not socialising enough is definitely wrong - I could not socialise more. I watch friends leave a long term, serious relationship and within weeks/months they’re in another one, and yet I am perpetually single. But that’s for another thread.

OP posts:
FredtheFerret · 24/11/2020 02:10

I wouldn't. He's made it clear he's only vaguely interested in you when both his wife and his mistress didn't want him.

He's presumably failed to find anyone else between Feb and Sept and has suddenly remembered that you might at least do for a bit.

You can do much better than this - you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful woman. And another 12 years single is preferable to wasting time in a second best relationship where they don't really want you. Move on - and good luck!

SoulofanAggron · 24/11/2020 02:56

He's a rotter OP. All his actions show his character. He's a cheat- you can't trust him. And he drops and picks you up when he feels like it.
Please block him on everything.

Mermaidwaves · 24/11/2020 03:03

Don't do it OP! Its lockdown, he's bored and he will drop you for another offer! It sounds like he's looking for a woman right now and I wouldn't trust him an inch. I bet you're not the only woman he has contacted over lockdown either. Sadly these men seem everywhere right now.

Aquarius111 · 24/11/2020 03:25

Similar thing has happened to me before and honestly it doesn't go well. If he cheated on his wife he will do it again to somebody else.

From experience I would say run now before you are in to deep!

Topseyt · 24/11/2020 03:40

He sounds very flakey. Give him a very wide berth.

OldWomanSaysThis · 24/11/2020 04:01

He probably does like you, but he likes the mistress more.

I would assume his affair with the mistress would continue. You could become Wife #2 while he waits for Mistress #1 to leave her DH.

McRibpain · 24/11/2020 04:57

Yes definitely! Find your self respect op!

Sunflower1970 · 24/11/2020 05:03

I can’t believe you would even consider this man. i would have blocked him! I think I would rather be single for another 12 years than settling for a lying, cheating scumbag that is offering nothing to build up your self esteem!!!

Elfontheshelfjudgesyou · 24/11/2020 07:24

I think you'd be stupid to go out with him again but if you do, don't let him post anything about your walk on social media - if his ex-mistress sees that she'll be back on the phone by lunchtime and he'll be off again!

Gyh863 · 24/11/2020 12:43

Hmmmm I don't it's necessarily the case that he doesn't like you or that you are second best per se. Had he been in the affair a long time? He was in a complicated situation but may have been in love with his AP and had in effect lost his marriage for her, so can see why he would want to give it a go with her first. May just be down to bad timing really.

Bunnymumy · 24/11/2020 13:25

How long will it be till he makes it clear that affair woman is still a possibility for him again? And gives you some poor me patter about how he cant choose between you.

The dude is drama on legs. Bet his wife actually binned him. And she's well shot.

Isthisnothing · 24/11/2020 13:33

I must be reading a different op, I don't think this is an utterly terrible idea.

His marriage ended due to infidelity - bad. The infidelity was with someone he wanted a relationship with - good. She contacted him and given they have history he decided to give it a go - sensible. He was straight with you - good.

Nearly a year has passed so he possibly has had time to reflect and gotten over that relationship.

If you are going to give it a go, draw a line and see how things are from now. But any messing about or contact with either woman - run.

Badwill · 24/11/2020 13:48

I would say yes, very very stupid to even consider it. This man is not of good character OP. Desperation is not a good reason to knowingly sign yourself up for heartbreak. Stand firm, find your self respect and block him.

booboo24 · 24/11/2020 15:21

I think he does like you but the mistress will always be the one who got away. He's already gone back to her once, sadly I think he'd be back there in the blink of an eye if he ever had the chance and therefore I'd get out now before you get even more involved. I can't see this ending well for you I'm afraid

category12 · 24/11/2020 16:08

God no. He's got a track record of cheating.

And more than that, he's either hung up on his affair partner or likes being in the centre of triangles and is trying to make you part of one. Either way, he's a really bad bet.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/11/2020 16:14

You know you would be stupid to meet up with him, you know he's a cheater and you know he's already chosen someone else over you. Honestly, I'd rather be single than disrespect myself by seeing someone like him. Keep your standards OP!!

BlueThistles · 24/11/2020 16:57

OP... do not be someone's SECOND choice TWICE. FFS Flowers

Unsure33 · 24/11/2020 16:58

If you were up for a fling and using him for a change then fair enough . But you don’t really fancy him? Then definitely no .

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