Am I a nag??

[starofandromeda]

Would be really grateful for any advice you can give me!
I have been married for nearly 5 years and have two children age 4 and 6. I work four days though two of them are short days and my husband works full time from home. He is a business consultant so works to his own hours, often not starting until mid morning.
I have always done everything for the children. Every night cry I have tended to and always been up with them when they wake. I get up in the morning, get the kids up, all of us ready for work and school. My husband is often just getting up as we are leaving. I then work, collect the children and do everything for them until they're finally in bed and I can relax about 9pm. I do all the cleaning , washing, most of the cooking , dog stuff, shopping and homework with children etc. I feel that all my husband really does is work. Until about July of this year he had hardly any work for 12 months and despite doing very little paid work he did nothing else to help in the house, I still did everything for the children/house work etc. The weekends are the same. He lies in bed until sometimes about 10am whilst I'm always up at 7 with the kids. I contributed a lot more financially over the year when he wasn't doing much work (as I increased my hours) and now we contribute roughly evenly to the joint account.

Last night his daughter and her boyfriend were here for dinner (which given covid rules they shouldn't be but I got really ranted at when I suggested they shouldn't be coming at the moment) My husband drank a whole bottle of disaronno, vomited all night and didn't get up until midday. When I got back from work the house was a bombsite and despite the fact I'd cleaned up loads before I even left for work he and his daughter had just made even more mess. I got really angry and said I'm tired of being treated like I'm just here to clean up after everyone. Rather than just say sorry instead he gave me a long tirade about how I do all of this because I want to , it's my own choice, I don't have to be here if I don't want to , that I'm a nag and he can't stand listening to me etc etc. I honestly rarely moan, I just get on with things and sort the kids. I really don't know what to do - I feel completely unappreciated, emotionally battered and just taken for granted. I honestly work so hard and feel that there is no point in this anymore. Please don't say my husband might be depressed because he is 100% not. I'd be grateful for advice as to how to manage things from now - is my husband likely to ever change his behaviour? I have many times asked if he could do more to help and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. I'd love to hear from anyone with a similar experience and what you did! Thank you for reading

Wow!!! Really???? This "man" sounds like he is straight out of the 50s. You're not a nag at all (this coming from a guy). He should take some responsibility for chores and daily jobs that need doing. If it needs cleaning, clean it, its not difficult!!! Or is that just me??

It was no surprise that he has no work now - as soon as you said he wasn't starting work until mid morning I knew his business would flop.

I can't see the point of living with a man like this. Honestly, wouldn't you and the kids be better off in every imaginable way if he moved out?

You are not a nag. Do you really want to keep on living like this? Imaging having your own little place. Easy to clean. No grown up to tidy up after. Your life would be so much easier. You could date and find somebody who wants to take you out and date you

He drank an entire bottle of Disaronno just at home with not much going on? Is that in character for him?

You don't sound like a nag at all.

I agree with PP that you'll have to stop doing things for him and maybe he'll see but likely not.

Can you afford a cleaner? If you could have a cleaner come once a week at least you'd know a certain level would be off your shoulders.

I'm sorry, it sounds frustrating.

@FredtheFerret

Well you've got the perfect answer...

He told you that you did everything because you want to and it was your own choice. I'd stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing, etc. Stop doing anything for him and if he complains you can say yeah...I stopped wanting to do it.

I'd encourage noisy games before 10am with lots of excited squeals. Presumably you don't want to keep the children quite any longer either...

This is the perfect answer. I would still cook for him, as you will be cooking for the kids anyway but would just cook what they and you like.

He is being a selfish dick.

He's a knob
He doesn't contribute to your life apart from financially and you could do that yourself without him. Stop doing anything for him

I have no idea why you live like this. It's like we never had feminism.

I'd never tolerate that. My way of thinking is: we're married, you live here, you eat food, your wear clothes therefore you're supposed to clean too, to cook too, to go shopping too, to do the laundry too. When we have children they are yours too, as well as mine. I don't see it as "help", but normality.

The drinking and vomiting: that's something you do when you're 20.

What do you get out of this relationship,
OP? what do the children see?

Imagine if this was a teenager you were talking about - sounds quite normal. Now remember it's your dh - manchild.

You need to decide are you prepared to live this life, or do you want things to change. Change may lead to separation. But to be honest you do everything yourself now anyway.

He is lazy and disrespectful. Needs immediate action.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What is the point of bring with such a man?
There is none and you’d be better off apart.

He also has a daughter who with her boyfriend came to your home for dinner. She is just as disrespectful as her father. Jettison her as well as her dad.

Nope not a nag (hate that term), you’re a doormat and in my experience it doesn’t get better! The resentment only grows too
It sounds like you’ve checked out, it’s hard to love a man who has very little regard or respect for you. Separation would be better for both of you

Fuck that op you're a bloody saint!

As another pp said, stop washing, ironing and cooking for him at the very least, at best I'd take him up in his offer and leave him.

I'm not sure what you are getting out of this relationship at all other than another child who's bloody rude and lazy to boot. He does no housework, no cooking, no chores, no child rearing, no night wake ups, no pick ups or drop offs, he doesn't even bring much to the table financially and sounds like you could easily survive without him. As you said life will get better without him as you'd not have the extra housework etc he brings and you wouldn't be resentful of him.

Isn't Disaronno a strong liqueur, was this a one off or does he drink whole bottles of alcohol every week.

You are not a nag! Sorry you are having to deal with this. You deserve better

It absolutely IS easier without them. I divorced my lazy shit bag. 2 years on I’m grand thank you. Way easier!

Thank you so much, it's honestly so helpful to read your comments. I do realise I've become a doormat and yes you're right I do feel emotionally detached now from my husband. He's still in bed now whilst I'm getting everything sorted for work/school. From today I am going to do what you say and literally do nothing for him, he can sort himself out. I will give it 6 months and if things haven't changed I will leave. We live in his house as I moved out of mine to live here. My house is rented so I still own it at least. All of his family are local to us and mine are three hours drive away so that has always been difficult for me as I've brought up the children with no family support and they're only 15 months apart in age so it was hard! Anyway I'm definitely going to make changes now as I can't carry on like this.

He drinks a beer normally each night but doesn't usually drink so much he vomits. I think he really lacks self control often - so yes in keeping with being a manchild really .....
It's nice to know also some of you have experienced this and life is better when separated. That gives me some hope at least that things will be ok if our marriage doesn't work out.

I'm sorry that you are being treated like this. I put up with very similar until the children were adults. They actually asked me why I waited so long to leave. My 2nd daughter said she used to dream of us divorcing. She was disgusted in how I was treated like a live-in maid. They all helped me as much as possible. Don't waste your time. Your life. Leave the man child to stay in bed as long as he wants. Alone. You deserve so much better.

I wouldn't give him 6 months. I'd tell him exactly what has to change, starting now. And if it doesn't, or if he blows up at you, I'd be giving your tenants notice (sad, but this is your house and you need somewhere to go), then when they leave, move out with the DC and start divorce proceedings. This man is a complete waste of space and honestly your life will be so much better with just you and the DC.

Another 6 months? One week should be long enough to see if he steps up.

Spoiler alert - he won't.

Try being 'ill' one morning so he has to get up and manage the whole world like you are doing now

Fgs don't give him 6 months op! He'll have forgotten by then!
Good luck.

Christ don't give him 6 months !

Can I just add that sharing the household load isn't a man 'helping' you. It's what adults do, because that's fair and right
Good luck @starofandromeda. I hope he becomes a decent partner to you

Ok maybe a month then! He hasn’t changed so far in the six years since having the children (except for the worse) so I agree it’s unlikely his behaviour will show any sustained improvement.

Me moving out to my tenanted house would mean the children having to move schools and they’re very settled. I was under the impression you should never leave the marital home but the problem is I’m in his house! We are married though so I realise I do have marital rights.