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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Splitting bills in a relationship Q?

68 replies

Newname88 · 23/11/2020 16:32

Have an original post regarding this issue so i won't go into the details but backstory is since moving in with my DP i am struggling financially. Feel free to search my old thread if you want the full backstory.

We pay 50/50 of all household bills even though he earns more, i have a couple of extra costs like pet costs as they were my pets originally. I have 2 DC one with current partner and one older.

I've now reached the point i am on the last few scrapings of my savings, which i have been using to cover any extras once my wages have been used each month (by this i mean days out with my youngest DC in weekdays for example or with both DC at weekends including petrol to drive places or buying sweets/ice cream/drinks at the corner shop, birthday presents etc. I rarely buy things for myself and don't have regular nail/hair appointments at all.
I've written down my incomings and outgoings and worked out that my earnings are completely spent on all the necessary bills (with the exclusion of internet, but could be argued as a necessity nowadays when needed for DC's homework etc)

We've finally discussed the fact that i have nearly no money left and while my DP listened and we talked he didn't offer to contribute more or even to help with any solution so i feel basically all there is left for me to do is to pay my share of the bills and then have nothing left so i can't do anything on weekends that involves money being spent, wont be able to buy anybody presents for birthdays and so on.

And as mentioned on my last post i do work part time because i wanted to be around some of the time for my child/children, i have never struggled financially before. I am more than happy to go full time but at present it isn't possible within my job.

Any advice? I want to be able to pay a 50/50 share of the bills but i feel if it was the other way around i would divide it up equally to earnings between us if i was the higher earner.

OP posts:

LajesticVantrashell · 26/11/2020 10:33

Honestly?! You're in a relationship with someone who, when you sit down and explain to them how much you're struggling financially, how you're using savings to live, will sit there without an ounce of empathy and let you continue to live that way. That is not a relationship.

I earn £10k more than my DH. But he has allowed me to progress in my career by being the parent that does pick ups and drop offs. I could not imagine ever hoarding my own money at the detriment of my partner.

Aerial2020 · 26/11/2020 10:42

And the kind of man who doesn't mind seeing you struggle is getting a kick out of that, it's a power trip.

Dashel · 26/11/2020 10:52

If I was paying half the bills I wouldn’t do all the housework for a start

Original poster

Newname88 · 26/11/2020 13:08

@LajesticVantrashell yes thats exactly the way im starting to think too.

I should have probably added that when we moved in together it was his first time moving out of his parents house so he was used to paying a small contribution to them for rent etc and having the majority of his money to himself. I think this shows in the way he moans about all the bills coming out (i mean we all moan about them but he seems to be genuinely annoyed he has to pay them) whereas i have been paying my bills for years.

First chance i get i will be aiming to work full time, but i know i will still be expected to do everything in the house and childcare pick up/drop off's will be all me too.

I feel so stressed out, i have one childs birthday, DP birthday, christmas and 2 good friends birthdays all coming up in Dec, i'd usually budget for this and perhaps borrow a small amount from my mum which i'd pay back gradually in the next few months but i have next to nothing to buy presents with right now. I'm aware this isn't massively important and my friends will understand that i can't afford presents this year but i still want to buy things for DC's birthday and for them both at xmas.

I don't even know how to get out of this if thats what i decide, i have no money for deposits and rent towards another house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newname88 · 26/11/2020 13:11

I highly doubt we are eligible for any benefits but i did try to pursue a claim with UC and it wasn't even looked at as we had too much together in savings of which were mostly his.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/11/2020 13:33

Wouldn't he pay for his children's presents? He sounds really out of line

Shoxfordian · 26/11/2020 13:34

Just saw you're still doing all the childcare and housework even when you work full time so what's the point of this man? Buy a dildo

LajesticVantrashell · 26/11/2020 13:36

Do you have any idea of your family income? Do you know what he earns? Do you know how much he has left over?

This breaks my heart. You're stressed because you cannot buy gifts for your children - ONE OF WHICH IS HIS!! All the while he's no doubt sitting on a pile of cash. What an arsehole.

Pinetreesfall · 26/11/2020 13:55

Can you get some part-time work around your job until hours increase?
I'd love to work part-time to spend many more hours with my little ones. But I can't because I have bills to pay. I don't want to be beholden to anyone so make sure I work enough hours to earn enough money.
I also went down the CMA route when my ex-husband started playing silly buggers with maintenance. My son is the same age as yours - why leave it so long to do something about this? I now get it paid directly to me, no arguments and no fuss!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/11/2020 13:58

If he wants to pay 50 50 then he should do 50% of house stuff 50% of child related stuff including child care. You are saving the family money on nursery etc but not seeing any of it back. It's all split 50 50 otherwise you move out since he is refusing to acknowledge your contribution in facilitating his lifestyle

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/11/2020 14:20

You fundamentally shouldn't be worse off from moving in with the father of your children. Why is it you paying for extras like christmas presents? You really need to demand more of him, it's not ok when both family members work equally hard (in and out the home) and one has much more disposable income than the other but the one with lower is expected to pick up all the kids stuff

Aerial2020 · 26/11/2020 14:50

You're looking at this the worg way round OP.
Why are you worrying about buying your DP a birthday present when he's made it clear he doesn't give a shit about you???
Watching you struggle is not giving a shit about you.
Looking for a full time job is not the answer
You will still struggle. And he will still do nothing.

This is an unbalanced relationship and financial abuse.

Please please please read up on this and start thinking what you are doing.

Aerial2020 · 26/11/2020 14:52

The childcare you are doing is what he would have to pay for.
Let that sink in.
Look at how much is he is saving
You are not a couple.

Aerial2020 · 26/11/2020 14:53

@LajesticVantrashell

Do you have any idea of your family income? Do you know what he earns? Do you know how much he has left over?

This breaks my heart. You're stressed because you cannot buy gifts for your children - ONE OF WHICH IS HIS!! All the while he's no doubt sitting on a pile of cash. What an arsehole.

This. A hundred times over

Haffiana · 26/11/2020 16:54

I don't even know how to get out of this if thats what i decide, i have no money for deposits and rent towards another house.

Look, it isn't just that you are paying a man to live with you, but your poor bloody children are paying for him as well. Even if you don't respect yourself, you really need to get rid for the sake of your children.

IT IS OK to dump him. IT IS OK to tell everyone that he was a sponger and that your children are financially better off without him eating their food and taking their presents. No-one will judge you badly for it, and in fact almost all women would applaud you if you put your children first.

Can you speak to the local council?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/11/2020 18:14

@Pinetreesfall

Can you get some part-time work around your job until hours increase? I'd love to work part-time to spend many more hours with my little ones. But I can't because I have bills to pay. I don't want to be beholden to anyone so make sure I work enough hours to earn enough money. I also went down the CMA route when my ex-husband started playing silly buggers with maintenance. My son is the same age as yours - why leave it so long to do something about this? I now get it paid directly to me, no arguments and no fuss!

This ^^

If you have to borrow every Christmas then it would suggest budgeting or working part time has been an issue for a while not just with your DP

timeisnotaline · 26/11/2020 21:32

Every week, he takes money and food from your children. Clothes off your back. Sell some of his things quietly to buy the dc Christmas presents, don’t borrow. Just look blank when he asks about his things if he notices. Hopefully the reality of this sinks in.

EarthSight · 27/11/2020 10:08

It's entirely reasonable for one parent to want to work part time if they have a child, especially in the early years. People hear the word 'part time and they usually get sour grapes, thinking the mother (usually) is off getting her nails done and going skiing and that's usually followed by a sentiment of 'Dry your tears. Most people work full time (like me) so tough!!' Also, from my observations both off and on MN, some people seem to think your value as a human being is directly related to how much you work....but where does caring for small children fit in that world view??

Fund? Subsidise?? @PlanDeRaccordement They're a romantic couple, a team, and she's the mother of his child. She's not a business investment!! He's not funding a lavish life style for her. She just wants more time with her kids and I think that's entirely reasonably, considering that the youngest is his!!

OP I don't feel any togetherness in your dynamic. 50% of the bills is technically more for you than it is for him, particularly if he's on a much higher wage in which case the proportion taken from both your earnings might be quite large in its difference. Even if you go back to work and fo full time, it might still be quite a bit more. Your 13 year old would probably be fine if you worked full time, but is he not interested at all in helping you stay at home more with the youngest? How much more does he yearn? If you go back to working full time, how does he imagine splitting the household chores?

If he expects you pay 50% of the bills then I would damn well insist that he also does exactly 50% of the household chores and childcare for the youngest, and don't settle for less!!!!

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