Splitting bills in a relationship Q?

[Newname88]

Have an original post regarding this issue so i won't go into the details but backstory is since moving in with my DP i am struggling financially. Feel free to search my old thread if you want the full backstory.

We pay 50/50 of all household bills even though he earns more, i have a couple of extra costs like pet costs as they were my pets originally. I have 2 DC one with current partner and one older.

I've now reached the point i am on the last few scrapings of my savings, which i have been using to cover any extras once my wages have been used each month (by this i mean days out with my youngest DC in weekdays for example or with both DC at weekends including petrol to drive places or buying sweets/ice cream/drinks at the corner shop, birthday presents etc. I rarely buy things for myself and don't have regular nail/hair appointments at all.
I've written down my incomings and outgoings and worked out that my earnings are completely spent on all the necessary bills (with the exclusion of internet, but could be argued as a necessity nowadays when needed for DC's homework etc)

We've finally discussed the fact that i have nearly no money left and while my DP listened and we talked he didn't offer to contribute more or even to help with any solution so i feel basically all there is left for me to do is to pay my share of the bills and then have nothing left so i can't do anything on weekends that involves money being spent, wont be able to buy anybody presents for birthdays and so on.

And as mentioned on my last post i do work part time because i wanted to be around some of the time for my child/children, i have never struggled financially before. I am more than happy to go full time but at present it isn't possible within my job.

Any advice? I want to be able to pay a 50/50 share of the bills but i feel if it was the other way around i would divide it up equally to earnings between us if i was the higher earner.

Time to be blunt.
You cannot afford to fund your living together.
You have had one conversation. That is good. Perhaps he needs to mull it over for a day or two. If he ignores the problem, time to for conversation number two. If he still won't agree to % until you are in full time work, then it is for you to leave.
I hope he steps up OP and you get a better deal.

What is going on with some of these replies
This is financial abuse. You have a child together! You are a family. All in goings and outgoings are discussed together.
If you are working part time then you are saving on childcare.
Jesus wept. Mothers caring for children really isn't recognised or valued on mumsnet at all.

If he's a father why isn't he budgeting for child care? Does he think it magically happens and organised by the mother????
What the hell is wrong with people supporting controlling men like this.
Men are responsible for their children too!!!

[quote Newname88]@DianaT1969 Yes we do rent together and it's a joint tenancy.
I work 22.5 hours a week over 3 days and Dc2 is in nursery while I work, although a family member has her for one day now. We made the decision together so were both aware of each others income and he knew I would lose my benefits. He makes random buys online alot, clothes, gym supplements, then food and drink from garages/corner shops which he does daily and soon adds up. He does buy things for me and DC too but alot is for himself and I spend little to none on myself.

@timeisnotaline No I would still earn less than him if I went full time, our salaries were probably similar but he has regular overtime and has recently had a promotion and pay rise.

At the end of the day it's his money and as long as he pays his half of the bills I can't complain but he knows I'm struggling and eating through my savings.

I was so much better off living alone and feel like we made a huge mistake moving in together now.[/quote]
No no no Op.
Of course you can complain.
Wow he's really done a job on you.
What kind of father watches the mother of his child struggle?
This is all power and control.
Please read up on financial abuse.

I can't believe the people telling you just to work more hours. Firstly, I assume he was aware you worked part-time when you agreed to move in together. Secondly, if he loved you then why would he want to see you skint and struggling every month? Its not like you're not trying to pay equal shares.

@Haffiana

You cannot afford to live with him. It is costing you money to live with him. Essentially you are paying him to live with you. You are paying to have a man live with you. Is he worth it?

He is tight and mean and selfish. This is how he is, and he will always be like this. He loves money more than he loves you, although to be utterly fair I don't think he even likes you very much. He knows that you have lost benefits, and he is happy with that. He is small and mean and shrivelled inside. It does not give him joy to make you happy. It does not matter to him that you are unhappy.

Personally, I find very little less attractive than a mean man. He will be mean in all sorts of ways as well - I bet he is not a considerate or generous lover either, is he? I bet the stuff he buys for you is very small and lacking true consideration.

Why are you paying for someone who you know doesn't like you to live with you? You are worth SO much more than this.

I think this sums it up.

Your partner is supposed to support you as a unit. A unit together.

This is not happening.

Sorry I think its right 50/50. Unless you’re on maternity it should be split equally otherwise it’s not fair.

Bullshit
If it's 50 50 when you have children then he needs to do 50 childcare himself or budget 50 childcare himself.
Complete madness when you are a family. Percentages don't work when you are meant to be a team raising children
What if one of you as a parent becomes terminally I'll and can't work? Would you be demanding 50 per cent for bills?
Extreme example but when you have kids, you work as a family. Otherwise what's the point of being together? Might as well be a single parent. She'd have more money

And if he were single, he would have to pay child matainence and sort childcare when he has the children.
Why is it always expected of the mother but not the father

Haffiana post is spot on.

You were so much better off living alone - the benefit in living together is all one sided. His side. He gets to live with his child and he gets you doing 99% of the housework and you pay 50% of his bills. What a win for him!

Move out, with the children. He's not prepared to be a partner to you. You'll be much better off alone, working part time, claiming some UC and he'll have to pay maintenance. Do it.

A partner is just that.

A partner.

When you live together with someone snd it's serious then he should be doing that.

You came as a package.

It's a lot more complicated when there are other children involved I get that but this relationship seems to be making your life harder. Or your current arrangement does anyway.

You could for illustrative purposes use the benefit calculator and Cms calculator to see how much you would get from both the state and him if you left.

If he is as lazy as it seems and doesn't have your DC overnight, how much would he have to pay you if you were apart?

I expect this exercise may open his eyes a little.

I think you got a lot of opinions on how money is split the last time you posted and this post isn’t adding anything new.

The thing that stands out for me is why aren’t you drawing lines in the sand with both the fathers.

After years of father one not paying maintenance you should have placed a CMS claim. Not come to “an agreement” with him, after 13 years of him reneging on responsibility. You need a reliable income.

With father 2, you need a long overdue discussion about finances and responsibilities. He’s ducking it and you are ducking it . I suspect for different reasons. In your case I don’t think you want to face the possibility that he is as feckless and uncommitted as other pps have suggested.

At the end of the day if he isn’t committed, he will let you down whether you rock the boat or not. It’s really quite easy for him to walk away from this situation. Especially if he knows you won’t force CMS.

He isn't much of a partner if he's allowing you to struggle like this

In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat. Make a spreadsheet of family costs (including your oldest) and agree a more equitable split (equitable and equal are two different things. Oh and make sure he does his fair share off childcare and domestic tasks.

*Working P/T because you want to be around your children is a luxury many people would like but it's just not possible.

I'd suggest you look for a full time job but it's probably not the advice you were after.*

I agree with this

I don't agree in splitting based on proportion of income especially when it's your choice to work part time.

He does regular overtime. And who's looking after his child to enable him to do that?

The OP's baby is only 1. Full time childcare would probably wipe out her earnings if the useless partner isn't contributing.

I would move out OP. You're not gaining anything from this 'partnership'.

He is able to work full time because the mother of his child is looking after their child.
How do you think he would manage that if she wasnt?
How is she supposed to get a full time job (like they are readily available or something just like that) if he does no help with childcare or help to look for childcare to suit them both.
They are not a team.
As a family, it is not just up to the mother to sort this.

OP this is all kinds of fucked up and you know it.
Please get some support, it doesn't have to be like this.

So your now financially in a worse position since moving in with him and having his DC. Usually when you combine finances your situation improves not get worse.

If it was me I would be moving back out. Your not a team and whether full time or not it doesnt sound like he would increase what he does in the home or with his DC.

I think he's done a number on you as well. Life has gotten much worse for you financially since you moved in with him.
You need to have a much more frank discussion and tell him you are hoping/expecting more support. Then you'll know where you stand.

If I earned more than my partner then I would be pay more bill's etc. Especially if we had kids.

He sounds really tight and I would be feeling very resentful in this situation.

... so what would you suggest is equitable ?

The father of the 1 year old should pay half child care

The father of the older child should have contributed from day 1

Perhaps you need to work FT
The father's should help more

I'm so shocked at how many people think that 50/50 is acceptable in your circumstances. You are working PT because it suit you both as a family (and by the way I dont think that 22hrs a week is insignificant when you are responsible for all housework and childcare), yet he is leaving you short financially.
If you totalled up your contributions to the household in terms of hours worked, whether bringing in money or cooking, cleaning, etc, I bet you work the most hours.
50/50 split is fine for households who split childcare and housework equally and have the same earning power, but let's remember that we still have a gender pay gap.
I think in your case 50% of wages would be more appropriate than a 50/50 split of bills, otherwise you are better off without this financially abusive man, although I bet it has now got to the stage where you can't afford to leave as you have no money left?

I can never understand why couples can share bodily fluids and create a child, but can't share their incomes equally. Financial abuse imo to keep one partner short of money and not my idea of a partnership.