Marriage going to breakdown over sex?

[Unremarkablebear]

Dh and I have been married for 18 years, since I was 20 and he was 29 and the sex side has never been brilliant. He gave me an sti in the very early days of our relationship after I thought he was using a condom but he hadn’t put it on. He’s never liked using them - probably hence why he had an sti. For whatever reason, it really affected me, physically and emotionally and I had discomfort for years and years afterwards. I’ve never been sure why as it was picked up within only a couple of weeks as I had symptoms, luckily, so there wasn’t time for it to have caused damage. Dh told me afterwards that his previous girlfriend had it but as he had no symptoms he assumed he was fine 🙄
We have since gone years without having sex and ive never enjoyed it. We have somehow managed to have dc but since my youngest was born 5 years ago I think we’ve had sex only five times. Partly because dh still won’t use condoms and I won’t risk having another baby. Only partly this though because I don’t want sex with him anyway.
He’s been talking about having a vasectomy but asked me outright if he’d then get ‘sex on tap’ if he did as he’d feel cheated if he had the vasectomy and then he didn’t get to have ‘a go on me.’
I don’t know if I can sleep with him, I probably can, but only under duress. We aren’t affectionate. I feel like to go from no intimacy physically or emotionally to sex is a lot. I don’t feel close enough to him to talk about it. He gets angry. He did say it’s not right for a husband and wife to be living like this.

But I’ve 2dc. I’ve just got to do what I need to i suppose.
Any advice?

You don't want to have sex with him.

Do you like or love him? Why are you staying with him?

Obviously you have other issues in your marriage as well but for me a marriage really isn’t one without any physical intimacy. You’re just two adults sharing a house. So yes, you can split up over sex-your not wrong to not want it by the way, I couldn’t just have sex without any emotional intimacy either.

Work out what you want to do with your life and move towards that goal.

"Have a go on you"?! Wow, what a charmer.

At the end of the day, you're perfectly within your rights not to want sex. However, he wants a sex life which is fair enough.

The only real option here is to split. You have completely different wants/needs

Wow, someone who said they wanted to ‘have a go on me’ wouldn’t be getting sex unless they had a personality transplant first!

Agreed his language is not that of someone I'd like to live with never mind sleep with. Sounds like relationship over.

No I don’t want to have sex with him.
It’s been like this for years though and he’s never shown much interest beyond sleazy remarks.

Your marriage is over.

No one else is ‘allowed a go on me.’
I don’t really like ‘sex on tap’ either, even though I agree it’s reasonable of him to expect a sexual relationship.
Nor do I like ‘it’ll only take three minutes, lie back and think of england.’

LTB

marriage really isn’t one without any physical intimacy.
I totally disagree with this. Yo me a marriage is about SO much more than just sex.
In your case op, it seems like this is the symptom of a much deeper problem. It seems like lots of resentment and bad feeling has built up.
Do you think you would consider counselling to talk about the ongoing trauma from the STI, and the impact that has had?
I don't think forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to is an answer, ever.
O, and 'have a go on you'? Gross!

To me sex is a normal part of a loving relationship, you meantion no condoms is that the only issue? There are other contraception to prevent pregnancy or is it simply you aren't attracted to him if that's the case I can't see a future in you're relationship going forward.

He sounds like an utter pig. STI? Won't use condoms? 'Have a go on you??' Why would you want to sleep with him at all?

You would probably be better off being a single parent rather than miserable. You are worth more.

Cross posted OP.
I think do you don't want to have sex with him (and neither would I!), And he expects it on tap, then you sound incompatible. It might be wise to start making plans to split.
And I'd bet that once the hard bit is over, you will feel so much better being free of this constant pressure.

I don’t want to have sex with him.
He won’t use condoms and I felt a bit like - if he was that bothered then he would. Because I’ve taken the pill for years and I don’t want to anymore - I’ve had 2 high risk pregnancies and 2 c sections. combined pill causes migraines and they won’t give me implant for same reason. I’ve taken mini pill for years but came off of after my youngest was born and I don’t want to take it anymore.
But ultimately no, I suppose it’s academic because I don’t want to sleep with him and I certainly don’t want to have to provide sex on tap if he has a vasectomy. Over lockdown he’s kept saying ‘if only id had that vasectomy, id have had my own little sex slave.’ I think it’s a joke. I don’t find it funny.

I think it’s meant to be a joke.
He’s also made reference to whether or not I said ‘obey’ in my marriage vows. He would say it’s a joke, I don’t appreciate the subtext.

The comments he has made are disgusting and insulting. I think the STI has caused you physical and emotional distress and that’s understandable. You don’t want to have sex with him and that’s it, no further explanation is needed.

The marriage is over and you would both be better off apart. I hope you can find the strength to move on from him, don’t waste any more of your life putting up with being unhappy.

Sex aside.... What's he like generally? Is he a good husband outside of the sex thing? Is he a good father to your children? Just curious if this problem is limited to sex. I imagine you've held a 'grudge' (I can see why) over the sti all them years ago. I wonder if mentally and physically you 'pulled away' after that and it's been a gradual break down of the marriage. He's getting desperate for sex with you so is now coming across as sleazy and desperate. I wonder if its a vicious cycle. I don't think his behaviour towards you Is right by the way.

It's not a joke. He is telling you exactly what he expects to be, in the context if a 'joke' so he can tell you you have no sense if humour/are overreacting when you tell him it isnt an ok thing to say.

Just for context op, letting someone think you are wearing a condom when you aren't is called 'stealthing'. And its rape.

The horrible man has treated you like shit for years. Get.out.

Raise your kids in an environment where their mother is happy. And not treated like shit by a creepy, mysoginistic sex pest. You only get one life and you're still young, get the hell out of there!

*expects you to be

He’s spent minimal time with the children tbh. However now all his usual options are closed and he can’t go out suddenly they are super precious to him and he loves spending time with them. Apparently.
I feel for him because I know it’s reasonable to expect sex with your wife. I just am never going to want to. I shouldn’t have married him after the sti. It was ruined after that really.

Do you want to stay married to him. You don’t make this clear?

Seems like he is not prepared to live in a sexless marriage and you don’t want to have sex with him. Seems pretty incompatible.

The thing is - id like a sex life too. Just not with him. A hypothetical sex life. It’s not like I am asexual. Although I appreciate I’ve 2dc and am getting older so might not meet anyone else anyway.

So why don’t you get divorced? Neither of you are happy. Or would you consider an open marriage where both of you are free to have sex with other people?