Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband giving me the silent treatment after I confronted him about drinking

36 replies

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 08:18

So… a few months ago I confronted my husband about his drinking. This was before lockdown and we were renovating our house and he got into he habit of every night after dinner just going and sit outside alone and drink three strong beers leaving me and the kids alone in the house doing homework or watching TV. This effected our family life and love life because he began to stink and snore. I asked him why he was drinking alone but he refused to see it as weird or problematic. He called me a prude basically and said I was over reacting. I referenced his father, who drank too much and had a stroke and died at 65. This resulted in a huge stinking argument and he didn't talk to me for 3 days, literally, wouldn't answer me when I asked him a question, would just look the other way or talk to the cat or the kids instead. So without saying he had accepted my point he did cut back and was sober at least two or three days a week which was great but then a new habit started, whenever we went to visit friends he'd drink there - beer and whiskey - so I'd have to drive home and then when we got home he'd do the same thing again - sit outside and carry on drinking alone all night. This was only really a problem because this was always on a Saturday which is usually the day we cuddle up on the couch and go to bed early, a day in the week when we can reconnect and spend time together. So after the third time, I told him - "hey this isn't cool. I'm not going to our friends' house (really his friend and his wife), I'm not going if you're just using me to drive home. You can stay over at his if you two want to get drunk together then pick another day which is 'our' day." He did this a few times and then last Saturday we went over to there's after we'd agreed we'd come home afterwards and spend time together properly. And then he and his friend had a couple of beers in the garden at 3 in the afternoon and then they cracked open the Whiskey so by 4.30. Thinking, I know where this is going I said something. "A double-double whisky at 4.30 in the afternoon?" "What's wrong with that?" his friend said, "It's a Saturday." I then told the friend "the problem is, this is our day and OH will now want to carry on drinking." The friend shrugged and accepted this but my hubby was fuming. He went silent and I could see everything just tensed up. We got in the car and drove home. I asked him a question about dinner and he didn't answer. "Not talking to me?" I asked. "No." he said and that was the last time he spoke to me and it's Monday now. I can say, Morning, do you want a tea, anything - no answer. Now this has happened before and he comes out of it eventually, but I don't feel like he deserves to be able to give me the silent treatment. I really haven't done anything wrong. He might feel embarrassed but we had an agreement that he wouldn't get drunk and ruin our Saturday and he did anyway. If it were me, getting drunk and then blowing off sex, he'd certainly call me out on it. So this behaviour of his kind of 'feels' like emotional abuse. I wish I was the kind of person who could just shrug it off and ignore him back but we live in the same house together and it upsets me so that I think about all day while trying to work (from home right now). Does anyone have any advice or insight or a shared experience?

OP posts:
RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 23/11/2020 08:22

Of course it’s abusive to ignore you for days.

lazylinguist · 23/11/2020 08:29

He is trying to punish you into not questioning his drinking. You and he may have different ideas of what acceptable drinking habits are and how compatible they are with family life, but if he were a decent human being he would engage and talk to you reasonably about it, not sulk like a stroppy child and give you the silent treatment for days.

Shoxfordian · 23/11/2020 08:35

He's in the wrong but did something trigger this drinking if never used to do it every weekend? Maybe if you had a few drinks with him then it would be more fun

Dragongirl10 · 23/11/2020 08:42

He is being an ass, and treating you horribly.

I couldn't tolerate this, you are not in the wrong for questioning his excess drinking habits and ignoring plans agreed upon.

Think carefully about what you want to do.

Oreservoir · 23/11/2020 08:43

He likes drinking with his friend more than spending time with you.
It's that simple.
He's s been choosing to go to his friend and stay over just so he can drink.
It's not normal imo and my dh wouldn't do it. However it's your relationship so what do you want to happen?

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 08:47

@shoxfordian That's the thing right there. I used to drink a couple of drinks with him in the garden usually twice a week but then that started being every night too and then at some point I needed to be drunk just to have sex with him. So about four years ago I said I had to get cut down. I did cut down and everything got better for me, I lost weight, got healthier, and was enjoying sex more too, but he just started drinking more and getting more distant and so we're going in different directions. But I don't want to start drinking every night for his sake.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 08:47

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Have you never considered divorcing?.

You are indeed being punished into not questioning his excessive drinking. The nature of his excess drinking has not changed at all really; he is now further doing that at other people's houses (his friends are likely like him i.e. people with alcohol dependency issues). You also write that his late father was a drunkard, alcoholism can also be learnt too. Now your H has further taken to emotionally abusing you i.e sulking. The responsibility for his sulk here is all his and not yours.

You have children; what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them, for them to potentially recreate this chaos re alcohol and emotional abuse in their own adult relationships too?. Its never stable in your house is it?.

Purplewithred · 23/11/2020 08:47

He has a drink problem. This could end your marriage. Keep an eye on the finances.

LemonTT · 23/11/2020 08:49

Any advice would depend on what you want to achieve?
I can’t work out what that is from your posts.

Essentially you have confronted him about his behaviour. This has led to anger and sulking by him. He may modify his behaviour again after a period of sulking. But it will return just as it did before.

If I were you I would want to understand why he is choosing to spend time on his own and drinking at that time. Although I’m not a drinker I don’t think he is drinking at a very dangerous level. But it sounds like self medication and drinking can escalate quite quickly. These are things he needs to realise.

I think you want to bring you and him closer together. That won’t happen until you understand why he is distancing himself from you. This might be about you or it might be something else.

To a certain extent the drinking is a red herring. But it could soon become the only game in town.

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 08:49

@oreservoir @Dragongirl10 That's the thing. I really don't know what to do about it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/11/2020 08:49

Ah I see, not that it excuses it but probably from his perspective he lost his drinking buddy when you stopped drinking with him. He obviously doesn't want to change his lifestyle like you did so I don't know how you compromise or reconcile with each other.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 08:50

Drinking alcohol with him is the last thing you should be doing because he has alcohol dependency issues.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?. His primary relationship is really with drink (like his own late father's), its not with you and the kids and its never been with you people either.

Dragongirl10 · 23/11/2020 08:53

I suppose the question is are you otherwise very happy in your marriage?
Do you feel it is worth taking on the (admittedly huge ) challenge of trying to get him to change ?
Whatever you decide please don't become his drinking buddy, keep your drinking just where you want it to be.

FamilyOfAliens · 23/11/2020 08:53

Are you in the UK, OP?

Just because you said you spent the evening at a friend’s house last Saturday.

I realise this isn’t the point of the thread btw.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 08:54

It may be an idea now to seek legal advice re separation, you do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge is power.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and get further support for your own self.

There is nothing you can do about him, you can only save your own self and your kids from further seeing all this chaos and emotional abuse around them too. Its no life for them either and what are they seeing when they look at you two?. They see in you a constantly on edge and otherwise preoccupied mother and they see their dad drink almost continuously or on a comedown from alcohol.

Supereager · 23/11/2020 08:58

Are you in the UK?

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 09:12

@ superheater no I'm not. Issue number two! @Dragongirl10 The positives are - we have a similar kind of lifestyle overall. We're both creatives who like to get into their hobbies and we allow each other the time to do this where as other families really pack their days with 'activities'. But he is the bread winner now because he wanted to move back to his homeland a few years ago and I agreed to go with him even though it meant I couldn't get a job here because my language skills aren't up to the fluency level expected but that was fine because he was better off her and made more money on his own than we had previously made with both of us working. But it's the silent treatment and emotional distance that really feels the worst. He's never been comfortable expressing love and doesn't say, 'I love you' and doesn't like me to say it to him - think Sheldon from big bang just with real world issues - but previously I could laugh that off as a quirk. Now, i think he's cold on purpose because he thinks it gives him power. So if we split up it would be very very messy. I couldn't work here really, only a shop job while the kids are at school, not enough to support us and I'm not sure I'd see any money from him If that happened.

OP posts:
Ventatron · 23/11/2020 09:13

@Supereager No I'm not which makes things complicated

OP posts:
Ventatron · 23/11/2020 09:14

@FamilyOfAliens No, we're not. I'm from the UK but we're living in his homeland now.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 23/11/2020 09:16

Could you not move back to your homeland, OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 09:17

Where is his homeland?. A continent will suffice (e.g Middle East, Asia).

Regardless of where you live he is abusive towards you and has a drink problem.

Can you return to the UK with the children?. What are women's legal rights like in the country in which you are residing?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 09:18

Separating from him in any case is going to be difficult because he will further make it so as "punishment" to you for leaving him. This is also what abusive men do.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/11/2020 09:21

This is terribly abusive behaviour OP. He is trying to train you into not questioning his dodgy drinking behaviour.

To ignore you in front of the kids is even worse. Tell him you've had enough and if he does it again you want out.

The answer is not to join in with his drinking as a PP suggested! HmmShock - unless of course you wanted to.

It's rubbish when one person drinks so much and then you have to be the sensible one to accommodate family life the next day.

He doesn't get to just check out of family life. What message does that send to your kids? And to you?

I would be very firm, he's trampling all over you. It's his choice if he wants to drink I guess but not whilst he's part of your family.

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 09:21

@FamilyOfAliens @AttilaTheMeerkat We're in Europe but I can't come back to the UK with the kids because this is their 'residence' and if we split up the kids would have to stay here. *Things you don't think about at the time!

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 23/11/2020 09:26

[quote Ventatron]**@FamilyOfAliens* @AttilaTheMeerkat We're in Europe but I can't come back to the UK with the kids because this is their 'residence' and if we split up the kids would have to stay here. Things you don't think about at the time![/quote]
Were they born in his home country then?

I thought children stayed with the primary care giver but maybe that’s not the case where you are.