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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband giving me the silent treatment after I confronted him about drinking

36 replies

Ventatron · 23/11/2020 08:18

So… a few months ago I confronted my husband about his drinking. This was before lockdown and we were renovating our house and he got into he habit of every night after dinner just going and sit outside alone and drink three strong beers leaving me and the kids alone in the house doing homework or watching TV. This effected our family life and love life because he began to stink and snore. I asked him why he was drinking alone but he refused to see it as weird or problematic. He called me a prude basically and said I was over reacting. I referenced his father, who drank too much and had a stroke and died at 65. This resulted in a huge stinking argument and he didn't talk to me for 3 days, literally, wouldn't answer me when I asked him a question, would just look the other way or talk to the cat or the kids instead. So without saying he had accepted my point he did cut back and was sober at least two or three days a week which was great but then a new habit started, whenever we went to visit friends he'd drink there - beer and whiskey - so I'd have to drive home and then when we got home he'd do the same thing again - sit outside and carry on drinking alone all night. This was only really a problem because this was always on a Saturday which is usually the day we cuddle up on the couch and go to bed early, a day in the week when we can reconnect and spend time together. So after the third time, I told him - "hey this isn't cool. I'm not going to our friends' house (really his friend and his wife), I'm not going if you're just using me to drive home. You can stay over at his if you two want to get drunk together then pick another day which is 'our' day." He did this a few times and then last Saturday we went over to there's after we'd agreed we'd come home afterwards and spend time together properly. And then he and his friend had a couple of beers in the garden at 3 in the afternoon and then they cracked open the Whiskey so by 4.30. Thinking, I know where this is going I said something. "A double-double whisky at 4.30 in the afternoon?" "What's wrong with that?" his friend said, "It's a Saturday." I then told the friend "the problem is, this is our day and OH will now want to carry on drinking." The friend shrugged and accepted this but my hubby was fuming. He went silent and I could see everything just tensed up. We got in the car and drove home. I asked him a question about dinner and he didn't answer. "Not talking to me?" I asked. "No." he said and that was the last time he spoke to me and it's Monday now. I can say, Morning, do you want a tea, anything - no answer. Now this has happened before and he comes out of it eventually, but I don't feel like he deserves to be able to give me the silent treatment. I really haven't done anything wrong. He might feel embarrassed but we had an agreement that he wouldn't get drunk and ruin our Saturday and he did anyway. If it were me, getting drunk and then blowing off sex, he'd certainly call me out on it. So this behaviour of his kind of 'feels' like emotional abuse. I wish I was the kind of person who could just shrug it off and ignore him back but we live in the same house together and it upsets me so that I think about all day while trying to work (from home right now). Does anyone have any advice or insight or a shared experience?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2020 09:26

Were your children born in the UK or in this country in which you reside now?.

Have you sought legal advice on this point to see if this is actually the case, that your children would have to remain there?. Is this country also a signatory to the Hague Convention?.

Sssloou · 23/11/2020 09:27

It’s more than just the title though isn’t it and it’s more than just this weekend.

He is actively choosing to drink heavily at the expense of different relationships - and he is making an informed choice.

Know that.

He chose to take himself off to drink alone in the garden and not participate in family life with his children. That’s his preference. Not to be physically or emotionally present in their lives. Not to actively and positively co parent with you in the evenings. Know that. He chose to prioritise his solo drinking above connecting with his children and working in partnership with you.

He did “comply” when you gave him a stern talking to - but this was grudgingly and he has now just found another opportunity to drink elsewhere. And here again he has chosen heavy drinking over your person sexual relationship.

AA define alcoholism (call it “problematic drinking” if that’s easier to accept) not by how much you drink, what you drink or how often you drink - but it’s impact on the relationships of those around you.

His resistance and emotional punishment of you when you state your basic emotional needs is v telling. He doesn’t hear you - you are not his priority. Know that his drinking is a significant issue and his response to you is v dysfunctional.

I suspect that you were gutted he couldn’t keep a promise. He is unable to stop at one drink he has to get shit faced. I suspect that you were shamed by his behaviour at his friends and that you yourself were publicly distressed. This dynamic is turning you into someone who you don’t want to be - the distraught nag - this is what alcoholism does. Your DCs will be v injured by this dynamic (as your DH was by his own DF) ..... but it’s not just his detaching from them it’s that they also lose you to preoccupation, anger, nagging, stress trying to control the futile. Chose your DC over him - you can’t be in two emotional places at once.

Know what your red lines are. Have clear timed consequences if he doesn’t get help and address this issue - because this has already caused enough damage to you DC and it’s a v slippery slope. Know where that slope goes and chose not to take your DC down it with him. The only consequence you can have for him is separation / divorce - there is no middle way if he doesn’t get help to sort this out. And the help needs to come from professionals outside of the home. Don’t waste your DCs precious childhoods and your finite emotional energy and headspace doing the merry go round / futile dance trying to fix him.

Know that he knows well what choices he is making between himself / drink and your family life and marriage.

What were his drinking habits like before lockdown? Are they now just more obvious and under your nose now?

Sssloou · 23/11/2020 09:49

If you feel stuck between a choice of a poorer (even v v difficult) financial situation if you separated vs staying and tolerating the alcoholism - know that the latter will 100% have a deep negative emotional impact on your DC and they will likely endure chronic poor MH / self esteem issues as teenagers and into adulthood which will curtail their opportunities in life. Just ask anyone who has had an alcoholic parent. Look up Adult Children of Alcoholics if you want to see what’s in store - or read all of the posts on here.

If you chose the financially “poor” option - you are giving you DC a lifetime gift of gold that will see them through.

I am sorry you are all in this situation. Many of us have been there. There is only one way through it. Get support and info from Al Anon.

Ohdear2020 · 23/11/2020 11:48

I don’t think you aibu to pull him up on his drinking. I would put the emphasis on the fact that you like spending time together on Saturday and that you need help with the kids in the evening - rather than making out he is heading for alcoholism and an early death, which is a bit harsh.

I also think you shouldn’t have said that in front of the friend. It would have been pretty embarrassing for him.

pog100 · 23/11/2020 12:19

It's not the point of the thread but you don't have to read MN much to realise that is the kids are established in a country it doesn't matter where they are born, it's their residence and that's where they can be kept. As far as I'm aware all European countries are signatories to the Hague convention.

Yohoheaveho · 23/11/2020 12:24

When he gives you the silent treatment he is expressing his contempt for you

Dragongirl10 · 23/11/2020 12:24

OP l see your situation is very difficult re your location, could you prepare yourself should this worsen, by improving your language skills and other skills to enable you to improve your job prospects?
Retrain maybe?
Look into all your practical options should you need to leave, immediate ones, but also longer term to improve your financial situation. I am thinking 6 months to a year...what could you do within that time frame should you have to support yourself and Dcs?

Speak to a solicitor to get an idea of the likelyhood of financial support.

I do think that you need to focus on how to get out or the marriage,should you need to, even if that is not immediate and you are forced to stay in the country due to Dcs...
Is there any slim chance of persuading him to relocate back to the UK?
Your options would be much better.

MrsBobDylan · 23/11/2020 13:00

He is an alcoholic. Ignoring you for days on end and spending time with his friend rather than having sex with you is to let you know that you need to shut up and put up, while watching him drink himself into ill health and an early grave.

As he doesn't think it's a problem, you know he won't change.

Can you live like that? I know I couldn't.

nosswith · 23/11/2020 13:04

He has a drink problem. I don't know what help you can get in the country you live in, but you should find out.

User74575762 · 23/11/2020 13:49

Sounds like you need to find a local solicitor. He puts a lot of effort into avoiding you (and the children?) - his actions suggest he doesn't enjoy spending time with either you or them.
I take it that if you split you'd prefer to be in the UK with the kids - but would you be able to get CM from him? What would the financial situation be?
If you took the kids to the UK to visit family in July when things settled down and then said you wanted to stay on longer and signed the kids up for local schools, how much would it cost him in legal fees to get an order for them to come back? Would he bother? Would he use it as a bargaining chip in the negotiations for the divorce financial settlement?
All things to consider...

I mean look, you might be able to sit him down and say, "why do you want to stay married to me, YOU AVOID ME" and he maaaayyyy have an epiphany . But....

Sssloou · 26/11/2020 08:11

How are you feeling today OP?

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