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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands strange behaviour

30 replies

LostLolipops123 · 22/11/2020 18:54

A close family relative of mine died over the weekend. Very old but a huge member of the family. We are devastated.
Today I’ve just been very quiet, I feel empty and numb. I can hardly talk.
My husband is being extremely bad tempered. He keeps telling me to go and have a bath, order food in, go upstairs. And when I don’t want to do what he says, he stomps off in a complete huff. He behaved the same way when another family member died the year before. I’ve asked him to be calm as I don’t want any angst, which he is ignoring.
He says I’ve gone into my shell and I’m not communicating with him. But I’m in shock.
Can anyone help me work out what his problem is? I’ve told him if he repeats the behaviour of last year I’ll never forgive him. He says he won’t forgive me for the way I’m behaving. I’m lost

OP posts:
applepineapple · 22/11/2020 18:55

Has he had a bad experience of grief himself? Maybe he's projecting this on to you.

Bellringer · 22/11/2020 18:58

You don't have to put up with this abuse. It's your relative, he should support. Can you stay with family?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2020 19:03

Wow. It's true that some people have a very hard time dealing with death and the grieving of other people, but your husband is fucking awful. His behaviour is reprehensible. He won't forgive you for being sad? Is that a sick joke?

wanderingstar23 · 22/11/2020 19:03

He is having a strop because he can’t cope with the idea that at the moment your need is very much not to focus on his needs. You deserve better.

orangejuicer · 22/11/2020 19:05

All of the above but if he's generally a good person then he may not be able to cope with not being able to fix you. That does not excuse his behaviour, just a theory.

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 22/11/2020 19:08

He did this the last time. He’s been very angry all day and I just don’t need it. I just don’t want to be anywhere near him.

OP posts:
Janaih · 22/11/2020 19:10

My ex husband was like this when a close friend died suddenly. I put it down to him being ex army and taught not to get emotional about your friends deaths. But it was the beginning of the end. If you cant rely on someone when you're down, they dont deserve you for the good times, to paraphrase a well known quote.

ShadowKitty · 22/11/2020 19:11

He's angry with himself because he doesn't have the skills to emotionally support you and he's taking that anger out on you. You shouldn't have to tell him but maybe tell him what he can do - a hug, cook the dinner etc. If he's usually a good partner then I'm sure he probably does want to be there for you but doesn't know how.

NeonIcedcoffee · 22/11/2020 19:15

Oh god this is the last thing you need! Poor you. He's being a twat. When he behaved like this last time did you discuss it? He sounds like he either doesn't think you should be upset or maybe he can't cope with not being to make it right. Either way he sounds very lacking in emotional intelligence. Sending love Flowers

picklemewalnuts · 22/11/2020 19:23

Can you go away? Spend time out of the house so you can be on your own without him feeling shut out?

Ask him how he expects you to grieve, and why. Ask what he thinks is normal, and get him to ask other people what they think is normal.

FredtheFerret · 22/11/2020 19:27

I'm so sorry. He sounds awful, by the way.

I would be saying calmly to him, Your behaviour is appalling. I am devastated and want to be left alone. I am genuinely thinking about filing for divorce at this point and if you continue with this behaviour for any longer that will be it. Now go away please and let me grieve as you cannot offer me any support.

Then I'd retreat to the bedroom or somewhere quiet and shut the door in his face.

Comtesse · 22/11/2020 19:39

He’s angry because you’re upset?? Bizarre. He can’t cope with sadness so projects it out as anger? Or he’s furious that you’re distracted and he’s not top dog? Sounds pretty inadequate either way, how hopeless. OP I’m sorry for your loss.

Bluetrews25 · 22/11/2020 19:50

Sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers
Was the first one a relative of yours, or his?
I'm asking as he may not have the personal experience of losing a blood relative and not realise the devastation. But really this is not an adequate reason. At all. For someone who is supposed to be an adult.
Hard to realise you are married to someone who has no ability to empathise.

Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 20:00

Yes, if he can't support you then the very least he should do is to leave you in peace.

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2020 20:15

He sounds like someone who doesn't like you, maybe even hates you. He isn't on your side at all

barbrahunter · 22/11/2020 20:18

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. As another poster said, he is jealous that your focus is on someone else. Pathetic.

1WildTeaParty · 22/11/2020 20:27

Some people cry when they are angry (often women)
Some people are angry instead of crying (often men)

It is grief OP - but that doesn't make him easier to put up with.

(It isn't lack of love. Grieving together is very difficult . I think it as hard to bear the grief of someone you love as it is to grieve yourself.)

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

workworkworkugh · 22/11/2020 20:48

My DH did this to me in the past, twice.
The first time was my Nan and I was sad but it was expected, I just wanted some time to have a little cry in private and he wanted to hug and comfort me, I told him I didn't want that at the time and he yelled and got mad at me, it lasted a couple of days because apparently I should have wanted to be hugged.

The second time my cousin died, he was young, early 20's and it was unexpected. I was upset and crying and he told me "I don't even know why you're upset, you barely knew him" then seemed to get mad at me again.

I have no idea why they do this, I think a PP is correct, they don't know how to handle us being emotional so they get frustrated and angry.
I'm still with my DH and he massively regrets his behaviour, but it doesn't take back the way he treated me when I was going through a tough time.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2020 21:07

Is he a massive attention seeker who can't cope with supporting someone else?

Supereager · 22/11/2020 21:36

Wow. His behaviour is awful. Can you make him leave and go somewhere else for a few days. It’s better to be alone than be around someone like this!

Bunnymumy · 22/11/2020 21:39

@wanderingstar23

He is having a strop because he can’t cope with the idea that at the moment your need is very much not to focus on his needs. You deserve better.
This. Grieving for someone else means he isnt the centre of your thoughts and attention and he doesn't like this. Because he is a shit. Tell him to sod off and give you peace. If he doesn't come back, even better.
Comps83 · 22/11/2020 21:41

No advice , but when my mother died unexpectedly a week after I'd had my first baby my dh a few days later told me HE was sad and I needed to make him feel better . This was right after I'd just got the baby to sleep and was utterly exhausted .
He's done some arsehole stuff in his time but that one was very odd and really sticks in my mind

TiddyTid · 22/11/2020 21:45

It's not about him OP. Tell him that and to get over himself

User74575762 · 22/11/2020 21:55

@workworkworkugh what insight can your DH offer to the OP or her husband? Aside from, "Don't be like that.."! What's going on on the inside?

OP does your DH have any trustworthy male friends or relatives that could "coincidentally" get in touch and have a chat with him? The sort of guy who could have a listen and say,
"So. X died. Your wife is really sad. And you're... Mad at her? Why exactly? Give her head a wobble mate, make her a cup of tea and go and do something useful and stop being a dick."

countrywalks1 · 22/11/2020 22:14

I'm sorry that your going through such a difficult time Lollipops - I hope it eases for you at some point.

I agree with 1WildTeaParty in that everyone grieves in different ways. Sometimes that grief can be shared, and that can itself make it easier to deal with. Sometimes people process their own grief and bereavement in different ways and speeds to others, it sounds like this is the case with you and your husband.

2 days after a traumatic bereavement of my other sibling, I had started to process some of the pain and sadness and was able to consider going for a walk around the neighbourhood to get some air; it took DM a week to be able to go outside into the garden. Just an example of how people do things differently.

Give your DP the space he's asking for and make sure you get your own. It doesn't sound like he can provide the support you want - that's ok though, I hope you have plenty of other people you feel like you can talk to. You'll be surprised at how friendship groups can rally around.

Once the initial pain has settled and the world isn't so murky, then you could think about talking to your husband about how he's acting and how he could support you better. I hope things feel less bad soon.