Husbands strange behaviour

[LostLolipops123]

A close family relative of mine died over the weekend. Very old but a huge member of the family. We are devastated.
Today I’ve just been very quiet, I feel empty and numb. I can hardly talk.
My husband is being extremely bad tempered. He keeps telling me to go and have a bath, order food in, go upstairs. And when I don’t want to do what he says, he stomps off in a complete huff. He behaved the same way when another family member died the year before. I’ve asked him to be calm as I don’t want any angst, which he is ignoring.
He says I’ve gone into my shell and I’m not communicating with him. But I’m in shock.
Can anyone help me work out what his problem is? I’ve told him if he repeats the behaviour of last year I’ll never forgive him. He says he won’t forgive me for the way I’m behaving. I’m lost

I’m really sorry for your loss. I’m sad to say my marriage of 13 years broke up following my exH behaviour and attitude after the death of my mother (I’d already lost my father). It was appallingly selfish and he could see how devastated I was. It’s like they are pathetically threatened by us turning-inwards with grief. It was a heart-breaking epiphany and my line in the sand. Please be gentle to yourself for as long as you need and don’t be drawn in to downplaying your needs/feelings.

He sounds like a narcissist, angry because you have reminded him
(1) that you are more than just a blank canvas onto which he can project the 'you' that exists in his mind - your withdrawal shows him that you are actually a separate person, and
(2) that you are not available at the moment to play the supporting actress role he is used to in his life because you are fully absorbed in your own.

Classic narcissistic entitled male behaviour - your focus is completely off him, you are not listening to him/taking care of him/prioritising him - and he absolutely cannot cope with it and is furious.

And not the first time you've had this reaction.

Firstly, right now, I would go away if you can - are there children? - if not, I'd simply pack a bag and go and stay with someone.

When you have a clearer head, maybe sit and think through your dynamic. I'd bet that once you shone a light on it, you'll see that you habitually defer/pander/he's in charge/make sure nothing upsets him.

'He'll never forgive you for the way you're behaving' is very telling. Such a clear pointer that he's furious because he's not in charge. He's telling you to take a bath and you are disobeying his orders. For once, you're genuinely unable to (even subconsciously) put what he wants FIRST.

He's not shocked or grieving. He is tantrumming.

I'd have a serious rethink on this relationship - I hope there are no children involved.

Yes op my exdh was the same and it could be because he can't cope with you not being the strong one and carrying things like normal?
Any time I was ill, down, stressed etc my dh just couldn't cope. He would get angry with me and was absolutely no support. It ended up being similar to a child, he couldn't cope with me not being the strong one that knew what was going on as usual.

Also sorry for your loss and take all the time you need to grieve