Not divorced after 6 years seperated

[Minikievs]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. Things going well, we have similar interests, kids are similar ages, all trundling along nicely.
A couple of hiccups along the way but nothing major. He does have a tendency to shit down and not discuss things if we have a disagreement, but each to their own. I'm a big talker, he's not.

Anyway, I found out last night that he is still married. Legally separated but technically married. This is the first I've heard about it. He's never actually confirmed he's divorced, but after 6 years, I had assumed that they were. It's been absolutely clear from previous conversations that this has been my assumption and he's never put me right. Until last night.

When I asked they're not divorced, I got the answer "I don't know" Which is the kind of answer I get from my 10yo when he's asked an awkward question that he doesn't want to answer.
I pointed out that I was sleeping with a married man (unbeknownst to me) and that wasn't a position I was prepared to be in. Has it ever been discussed or will it happen at any point in the future? "I've got no plans to"
I told him that found it odd after so long to not be divorced. And to go through the rigmarole of legal separation but not take the final step. He told me it's perfectly normal and he knows LOADS of people in that position. Erm, I know fucking no one in that position.
We were going round in circles so I asked him to leave. He then said he didn't know why I was so bothered as it's got "nothing to do with me"
My boyfriend's marital status is nothing to do with me

Please reassure me that I'm not overreacting?! It's not acceptable to not tell someone you're still married is it?!

To avoid drip feed, I have always had a niggling concern over their relationship. They're very close. However I am an anxious and quite insecure person so I've tried to keep a lid on the bubbles of anxiety about it, as I'm aware that I have a tendency to be a bit unreasonable about things like this

Thanks

Crikey, that was long, sorry!

You’re not over reacting. A divorce can be done relatively cheaply these days, so why wouldn’t you get on with it? It would ring alarm bells with me.

Sleeping with a married man is a tad dramatic. It’s 2020 not 1920.

His immature response of I don’t know would have really annoyed me. Ffs of course a person knows if they are divorced or not!

He doesn’t sound like he ticks all the boxes OP. Perhaps time to move on and find someone with the emotional maturity to talk things through with you.

You've got two separate issues here.

1. In itself, it isn't actually a problem if he is still not divorced. I separated from XH eight years ago, but we didn't divorce as neither of us could be bothered, and neither of us has any intention to remarry. I have had a partner for six of those eight years, and have never told him that I'm not technically divorced, as there's no reason to (though if he asked me, I would tell him - he's never asked, as it isn't of any interest). I have no financial ties with XH (we sorted all the financial stuff out legally).

1. The reason why it's an issue for you is that you think your partner still has feelings for his ex wife. This is more of a problem, and I'm not sure how you would solve it. Because even if they had a piece of paper to say they were divorced, they would probably still be close. So is it the technicality or the closeness that bothers you? Would you mind so much if (as in my case) his ex lived 150 miles away and they very rarely spoke, and only did so then when they had absolutely no choice?

I get you OP

Isn't it very convenient for anyone who definitely does not want to be 'caught' in marriage again to just not be free to many anyone else.

It’s a problem if you go on to buy a house together or want to get married or have a child.

Him still being married would be a 100% deal breaker for me, and he clearly doesn't give a fuck how you feel about it. Some of his other traits sound shit, too.

Dump and block.

I've been separated about that long from exH. We were married after having DS, to tidy up things to do with rights, responsibilities and inheritance, and those things are still reasons to stay married - we each want to be each other's sole beneficiaries until DS is an adult, and divorcing doesn't seem like a big deal, in the same way marriage for us was mainly practical rather than romantic! We did think we'd like to be one of the early 'no fault' divorces, so were initially waiting for that to be a thing, and then that didn't come into law so we've just carried on as we are.

However, if you were my boyfriend and asked me about it, I would have talked it all through with you - it's the resistance to engaging with you about it that is the issue.

@RosesandPumpkins Ha, it probably is a little over dramatic! I do feel a bit indignant about being put in that position without knowing though

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM I think you've hit the nail on the head with your second point. I guess I was hoping that my insecurities about their relationship were just insecurities, but now I feel like this is validating them and proving me right

Yes, the bigger issue is probably his inability to discuss it in any kind of meaningful way. I'd agree too that he clearly doesn't give a fuck how I feel about it.

Another one bites the dust I guess.

I think that you are well within your rights to not want to enter in a relationship with a married man and your partner is very wrong not to have told you. I'm quite shocked that posters here seem to think that is is an ok thing to omit telling their parents.

Some see marriage as a practicality and a piece of paper but a lot of people don't. I think that if you are building a life with someone they deserve to know that you are legally tied to someone else. Then they can make the decision as to whether or not that's the life they want to build.

Obviously I meant partners not parents in my post above.

Some people just never get around to things that involve paperwork, organisation etc. Is it just this?

I have been separated and divorced very swiftly. Being married is a huge deal - it makes you each others next of kin and gives each other rights and obligations if the worst were to happen. I wouldn't date someone who was married to someone else.

@KylieKoKo Thank you. I think what's made it worse is that we've had conversations previously where it would have been the PERFECT time to say "actually, you've misunderstood, I'm not divorced" The fact that he hasn't, makes it feel more dishonest

@nosswith I could understand this, but they're legally separated. With a court order etc. So they've dealt with the paperwork. But specifically chosen not to divorce.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll Yes. This. We are talking if building a life together but actually all those things that you talk about (next of kin, decisions that can be made etc) are with another woman. And he has "no plans" to change that

We've been split for 9 years and only just divorcing. It's expensive. Don't judge him just because of this.

Exactly @OneRingToRuleThemAll

Imagine if something happens to the poster above who hasn't told her partner of 8 years she's still married and suddenly her ex appears as her next of kin with the power to make decisions about funeral arrangements etc. It's not ok to put your partner in this position without their knowledge.

@nolovelost

No judgement for not having got divorced. I understand why people might not do it quickly. I do think that it's something that you should disclose to any new partner though so they can decide if they want to get involved with someone who is married.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I have been separated and divorced very swiftly. Being married is a huge deal - it makes you each others next of kin and gives each other rights and obligations if the worst were to happen. I wouldn't date someone who was married to someone else.

I agree with this. I think it's hugely disrespectful to date someone whilst married and have no intentions of actually doing something about it. It would be a deal breaker for me. I was separated when dating DP but I filed for divorce weeks after splitting up. Why wouldn't I? I didn't want my ex to be my legal NOK or get my assests if I had died. That happened to someone I know. She was dating a man, he was separated but still married and he died. His wife got everything.

Who is his next of kin?

Both problems are linked... his refusal to discuss the divorce are showing you he doesn't care enough.

He's protecting his money for his children, quite right in my mind, but it also shows that your children will not benefit from your union .

He's never going to be fully available to you, he doesn't want to share.

My ex husband and I have only just got divorced he was blocking it refusing to sign the papers and blaming me my personal experience would say its a red flag I got it through on five years separation

He was actually engaged to someone else telling her I was refusing to be divorced and calling me saying he would never sign I would be with him forever

I am separated for 5 years and not divorced but all matters have been sorted in a separation agreement so I see no great need to push on with the expense and hassle of it. But I'm in Ireland where its common for people to be separated for decades without divorcing, sometimes without any agreement at all. Perhaps because there isn't as much of a culture of re-marrying which takes away the pressure to divorce. I certainly wouldn't assume that not being divorced means unresolved feelings, that is absolutely not the case for me, nor many other people in the same situation that I know

You can get a divorce online for£550. I'm not religious nor do I want to get married again, but I would walk away from someone legally married, and lying about it by omission or otherwise is even more disrespectful

It's a huge issue if you want to buy a house, get married, grow old together. If he dies financially she gets his assets and pension. If he's ill it's her who can make medical decisions. If he has zero intention of ever changing his marital status then he isn't worth investing in in the long term.

He's told you the situation - that he has no plans to . In that case it's time for you to make a choice . A few months ? Pfffff - adios .

@Littlepaws18

It's a huge issue if you want to buy a house, get married, grow old together. If he dies financially she gets his assets and pension. If he's ill it's her who can make medical decisions. If he has zero intention of ever changing his marital status then he isn't worth investing in in the long term.

That depends on whether they have a legal separation agreement. I certainly don't get XH's pension - it dies with him. I have no right to make decisions about his medical care, and he has no right to make decisions about mine. He and I shared assets equally.

However, it's definitely an issue if the OP wants to marry someone who's still married.