Not divorced after 6 years seperated

[Minikievs]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. Things going well, we have similar interests, kids are similar ages, all trundling along nicely.
A couple of hiccups along the way but nothing major. He does have a tendency to shit down and not discuss things if we have a disagreement, but each to their own. I'm a big talker, he's not.

Anyway, I found out last night that he is still married. Legally separated but technically married. This is the first I've heard about it. He's never actually confirmed he's divorced, but after 6 years, I had assumed that they were. It's been absolutely clear from previous conversations that this has been my assumption and he's never put me right. Until last night.

When I asked they're not divorced, I got the answer "I don't know" Which is the kind of answer I get from my 10yo when he's asked an awkward question that he doesn't want to answer.
I pointed out that I was sleeping with a married man (unbeknownst to me) and that wasn't a position I was prepared to be in. Has it ever been discussed or will it happen at any point in the future? "I've got no plans to"
I told him that found it odd after so long to not be divorced. And to go through the rigmarole of legal separation but not take the final step. He told me it's perfectly normal and he knows LOADS of people in that position. Erm, I know fucking no one in that position.
We were going round in circles so I asked him to leave. He then said he didn't know why I was so bothered as it's got "nothing to do with me"
My boyfriend's marital status is nothing to do with me

Please reassure me that I'm not overreacting?! It's not acceptable to not tell someone you're still married is it?!

To avoid drip feed, I have always had a niggling concern over their relationship. They're very close. However I am an anxious and quite insecure person so I've tried to keep a lid on the bubbles of anxiety about it, as I'm aware that I have a tendency to be a bit unreasonable about things like this

Thanks

They do have a legal separation agreement. But when I asked why they'd done this instead of divorce and why hadn't they just gone the whole hog, that's when he said "I don't know"

It is definitely not due to expense. And even if it was, at least that would be a reason, rather than "I dunno why but I've got no plans to"

I don't necessarily WANT to marry him. It's only been a few months. But I'd like it to at least be an option! We've even had the convo about "would you get married again" (I'm divorced)
Funnily enough his answer wasn't "Well bigamy is illegal so its not really an option"

I guess it boils down to the disrespect and the fact that I'm so unimportant that it's not even worth telling me. Or worse, that he knew I wouldn't like it so he's purposely hidden it.
Either way I am now under no illusion as to where I stand.

@theleafandnotthetree

I am separated for 5 years and not divorced but all matters have been sorted in a separation agreement so I see no great need to push on with the expense and hassle of it. But I'm in Ireland where its common for people to be separated for decades without divorcing, sometimes without any agreement at all. Perhaps because there isn't as much of a culture of re-marrying which takes away the pressure to divorce. I certainly wouldn't assume that not being divorced means unresolved feelings, that is absolutely not the case for me, nor many other people in the same situation that I know

I agree with this. However, I wouldn't want to be with a man whom I suspected of being overly close to his ex, whether she be an ex-partner, ex-wife, estranged wife, or even "just" an ex girlfriend.

I think the issue is more that the current relationship needs to be the "number one" relationship in all the ways that actually matter (or, the "number one" relationship after the parents' relationships with their own children, which would always have to come first).

I love my DP very, very much, and we are one hundred per cent committed to one another as individuals - but we don't live together or share assets or money. Whatever we both have is for the benefit of our respective children (though it's easier for us to do it that way, as all our children are older now, and I'm too old to have a baby even if we wanted one, which we absolutely don't - so there's no need to think about 'blended families' etc).

Our posts crossed. It sounds, OP, as if you'd be happier with a man who doesn't have so much active baggage. We all have it to some degree, but there are loads of nice men out there who aren't going to be actively close to their exes.

If one is wanting a serious, lifelong relationship, whether that be getting married or living together, I find it very hard to see how you can comfortably plan for that with a person who is still married.

My ex husband was still married several years after he and his first wife separated.

It really was the measure of the man. Huge red flag.

I'm not sure what he means by legally separated? They may be emotionally separated but if they are not divorced then they are still married and things effects things like property ownership, inheritance etc.

I'm in that position, 6 yrs separated and not legally divorced due to medieval foreign legal system and controlling weirdo ex who refuses to do anything normally. So not impossible.

If no medieval foreign legal system involved then it's a red flag and he has shedloads of baggage.

The divorce isn’t £550, that’s just the initial court application fee. Even in an amicable situation there are additional costs. In some respects it can be easier to stay married but separated. If you have children you may want your estate to go to the ex to assist with bringing them up. I do t think it’s unusual to stay married but people don’t necessarily advertise it. However, obviously you should tell a partner. It is absolutely your business and he should be listening to your opinion.