Help!

[Milly95]

Hi everyone, first time posting!

I’m looking for some advice.
I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my second child.

My partner has been struggling with money for the last few months despite earning more than double what I earn. We each keep our finances separate but we both pay our way we pay 50/50 of all bills etc. That is until last month he was unable to pay his share and is unable to pay nearly a month later which is causing huge strain on my finances. He even had to borrow money out of our daughters savings to put petrol in his car.

I came across a credit card application whilst doing his laundry (left in his pocket) which in itself is a bit suspect. When I asked him about it and he said that it was for emergencies but I’m starting to think that it’s not. The APR is huge and I’m worried he’s going to drag us both into huge debt if he uses it and can’t pay.

I have quizzed him in regards to where the money has gone as we both have she same outgoings. He just says that he’s had a hard couple of months but offers no further explanation. I have bought all of the Christmas presents and we are pretty strict when it comes to buying for each other so I know he hasn’t overspent there.

I have reason to suspect that he is on onlyfans and I can’t help but fear that could be where his money is going.

Another thing is that he’s reluctant to send bank statements to our financial advisor and keeps putting it off. (We are due to remortgage) Again alarm bells are ringing!

I suppose my question is should I be worried or am I overthinking this?

How do I go about confronting him?

Sorry for the long post!

You definitely need to confront him about this, as there's no obvious reason for him to be so short of money that he 'borrows' from his child.

It sounds like there's something serious behind this, like gambling or something.

Finding a loan application is very suspect and probably means he's taken out other loans before too.

Everything he borrows or any financial trouble he's in directly affects you also as you are financially linked because you live together.

That means that if he's buggered up HIS credit rating, he's badly affected YOURS too.

I suggest you talk to him and insist he joins a reputable credit checking site e.g Experian so that you BOTH can see EVERY debt he has and come up with a way to sort it out (probably with the help of Citizens Advice would be advisable).

If he won't be honest with you about where the money is gone then I think you need to assume the worst and that he is up to something that you wouldn't approve of. I would be having a serious think about ending the relationship.

You are definitely right to be worried. There's not going to be an innocent explanation for this.

Thank you guys!

I know in my heart it’s not good. He has a habit of turning things around on me hence needing some reassurance.

I have checked my credit score and it’s fine at the moment, but there has been multiple checks on my credit by random companies so I can only think that this isn’t the first credit card/loan.

Yep this isn't looking good is it, I always say your instincts with this sort of this are probably right. Why don't you ask him to explain clearly why he suddenly can't pay his way, and maybe say that you need to check his credit file for some reason relating to the mortgage and ask him to log in and go through it with you. Random checks on your file indicates he has been getting checked for something himself.

does he have an overdraft perhaps ? 🌺

🚩

Update: I confronted him about the money and the onlyfans situation and as I thought he tried to make me out as being in the wrong for snooping in his business. I stuck to my guns and I told him to take responsibility for his actions instead of pushing the blame on me. He eventually came and apologised which obviously I did not accept. I’ve told him not to talk to me until he can provide me with proof of where the money is going. If it wasn’t for our little girl he would be gone, but I will give him the chance to prove me wrong even though I know it’s not going to be good.

Thank you all for your replies.

No idea whether he has an overdraft. I would have never of thought he would need one up until recently but now wouldn’t I wouldn’t put anything past him. @BlueThistles xx

My guess would be gambling. Or he may have lost his job and not told you. Drugs? Blackmail? Whatever it is, it's bad. Please get some support in real life.

Definitely sounds like gambling, or could it be drugs? I’m afraid having a tendency to turn things on to you, ie gaslighting is a huge red flag in itself.

@Costacoffeeplease @PixelatedLunchbox
He has had a problem with drugs in the past, not addiction but he did use cocaine. Which I have never approved of but I don’t think that’s the case this time as due to covid he doesn’t really leave the house apart from to go to work. But honestly who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️ Hopefully he comes clean.

What makes you think he is on onlyfans?

Men can spend hundreds on there- you know its not just chatting dont you?
Its basically using a woman for sexual gain so getting them to do sexual stuff while they wank and sometimes its a joint sex session all conducted over camera.

For a lot of women they would class it as cheating....

As for the credit searches i would be concerned he is using your details to obtain credit.

Although some companies will conduct soft searches on partners of people applying for loans to see what they are like.

Any credit searches or credit he has taken out can impact on you as you have a joint mortgage and thus are linked financially.

I would be asking him to log in to his credit report, credit karma is a good one that is free.

I would also expect full disclosure of his bank statements.

Jeez I’ve just seen the onlyfans thing. You’re remarkably calm about that op, he’d be out for that alone if he were mine

Please don’t make your daughter the excuse for not getting rid, she’ll have a better life without him bleeding you dry

@SortingItOut Thank you for your reply. He follows 10+ girls on Instagram all onlyfans creators with private Instagram accounts. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you only get access to their socials if you subscribe (pay). Anyway to me it looks fishy and just downright disrespectful to me doing it right under my nose! Like how would he even know about these girls apart from only fans?! I am well aware of what goes on onlyfans and I absolutely do class it as cheating. I am disgusted, It’s not porn it’s much more personal than that. Not to mention porn is free!!! There’s something more seedy about paying for it when we have a very healthy sex life

I’ve told him I need full disclosure into his finances. He gets paid a very good wage, like well above average so there’s absolutely no reason he should be struggling. He must be spending vast amounts of money somewhere xxx

@Costacoffeeplease honestly I am not calm I am so betrayed and hurt beyond belief. I’ve known about this for about a week now so I have had a chance to settle down. I am also not having the easiest pregnancy so I’m trying not to get overly stressed for the babies sake xxx

I suppose my question is should I be worried or am I overthinking this

Careful of this attitude. Trust yourself.

When I get this feeling, I think 'What would be my motivation for making up this worry?' Usually I can't find a motivation. In fact, my motivation is to STOP the worry, which is what leads me to question myself in the first place.

I don't think he's going to tell you voluntarily from what you've said OP, he will twist and bluster and deflect but he won't tell you the truth. I'd be looking for those bank statements he doesn't want the accountant to see if I was you, sounds like they'll tell you everything you need to know.

The only way forward is him being completely open and frank and telling the truth-then you can decide whether that is something you will move on from or not. And obviously it has to stop immediately

@Eckhart You are totally right! Thank you.

@Weirdfan this is my fear but honestly I’m not going to give him a choice, he either shows me or it’s done. There’s no way this can be fixed without me knowing for sure what’s going on. If it can be fixed at all xx

okay... what is only fans... Im sorry OP Im not following 🌺

@BlueThistles it’s basically a porn platform but you pay a monthly fee for exclusive content from specific girls. From what I’ve read you can also pay extra for special requests and you can interact with the girls directly. Sickening really

oh right... okay.. Sorry OP I understand now 🌺