Downloaded porn

[shas19]

Been with partner 4 years, no problems in the bedroom we have a good sex life. I saw this morning that there was charges on the phone bill which there shouldn't be, long story short hes been downloading porn. Him and his work mates all went it to each other on a group chat. He lied to my face at first saying he hadnt downloaded anything etc. Now, porn doesnt bother me but the lying and secretly downloading it does. I now feel really insecure, hes said it was nothing and not to worry but I'm so hurt

Not sure how to advise as am in a similar situation, are you sure it's not the porn that is bothering you? As it bothers me, I perhaps naively thought dp watched it only very occasionally but suspect it's more often after a discussion (row) last night. In my logical mind I guess it is normal and most men and obviously some women do watch it but can't help that it makes me feel like shit :/

Do you know what Maybe it does. I cant even look at him right now, I feel so shit aswell! Hugs to you

It cost for downloading??
Has he done it on 4g?

He lied for the same reason my child denies eating chocolate that goes missing from the sweets box. Fear that you won’t like it.
It’s just a defensive reaction and people don’t seem to grow out of it.

You have had a good sex life for 4 years and in general aren’t bothered about porn - why would you feel insecure based on this one off event? Is there something else that is actually bothering you?
Whatever he downloaded - who cares really.
Maybe it was sent by a mate. Maybe it was something specific he wanted to see.

Also going through the same with DH ... He used to randomly announce to me that he never looked at porn, LoL. I believed him 🤣 i told my pals and everyting, “some men just don’t look at porn”
I don’t even care as I look at it myself sometimes but for some reason he refuses to admit it to me, unless I catch him. It’s super weird behaviour, I think the sneakiness is half the fun for him :( we have an 11 month old so not much sex anyway ....

It definitely has wrecked my self esteem as he always tells me not to bother with make up etc as he prefers the natural look, but his porn collection is full of overly made up plastic surgery types..

Try and work out if your issue is with the porn itself, or the lying (or both!). Whatever combination, your feelings are valid.

I cant stand the lying. He stood there and bare faced lied about 5 times. Says it wint happen again, I know its bullshit. I dont really k ow if it bothers me or not when I think about it now, I'm just really upset and angry. The biggest issue is the lying and making me feel like I'm going crazy when I'm not hes just a shit

Sorry so he's paid for extra data purely to download porn (which is accessible for free) to send to his mates? Downloading it to share with his friends, despite being an adult... god my vagina would be closing itself shut.

Noo he didnt pay for it the rubbish virgin media wifi wasnt working so its obviously been done on 4g. I'm sitting on the other end of the sofa grinding my teeth, I'm so angry. Hes sitting there just watching a film like everythings okay

If it's his money he can do what he likes with it but I don't think I would want to be with someone so desperate to share some (presumably particularly extreme hence why they want to share it) porn with their mates they pay for extra data... ugh.

I'd you read above he hasnt gone out of his way to pay for it

Oh as it said there were charges on the phone bill where there shouldn't be so I assumed you meant he paid extra data for it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Anyway you said you're hurt and I would be too especially as I think grown men sending porn to each other is embarrassing. So I'm on your side on this, but think I inadvertently annoyed you - sorry

Sorry I typed that really shitty. Thank you. He said he lied because hes embarrassed but now I feel really insecure and rubbish. I'm more annoyed now that he would still be doing it if the phone bill was unusually high

OP - I don’t understand your post.
You say you don’t mind porn.
So - if it was just about him paying for it and not admitting - I’d get that you may be annoyed at him for lying.

(Of course he did it out of embarrassment, which is understandable)

But this still doesn’t explain why you keep mentioning that you feel insecure. Why?
If you don’t mind porn, how is the paid variety making you insecure, while free porn doesn’t?

It’s like you are using this as an excuse to be off with him. Is there something else that you aren’t happy about but can’t admit?

The lying is a massive red flag. What else is he lying about I wonder. Don't let him off the hook, op. You have to decide if you can trust him.

Why is he paying for porn, has he not heard of Porn Hub?!

Hes not paying😫

Is it porn you have an issue with?
Or him sharing it with friends?
Or him making the extra effort to get data to watch / share it?

Having an issue with all, some or none of the above is fine of course, just your posts are a bit confusing!

From what she's said, OP seems a bit confused about her feelings too which I think is justified (IMO)

Can I just make clear, he did not go out of his way to pay for it. He must of not been using the wifi and has gone over his data limit so now there is a charge.

OP - you clarified the technical side - wifi data and all.
But you seem to avoid questions of what is actually making you feel insecure???

How is your relationship in general? Sounds like there are some issues since you are having what appears to be a strong reaction to something minor.

It may be something minor to you but it's not to me. The lying especially. I dont like it. We have a good sex life and tbh he has videos/pictures of us so why feel the need to watch strangers. I dont like it at all.

@shas19

It may be something minor to you but it's not to me. The lying especially. I dont like it. We have a good sex life and tbh he has videos/pictures of us so why feel the need to watch strangers. I dont like it at all.

People aren't meaning to minimise OP, it's just you said clearly in your first post that porn isn't a big deal to you but now say specifically that it bothers you him looking at porn. Which is totally fine and loads of people feel the same as you, it's just that's what people have found it a bit tough to understand what's happening. Sorry he's upset you

Technically all porn is paid for . So called ‘ free ‘ porn is paid for through advertising so in effect the viewer is support an industry where people are paid to have sex
I’m always a little confused when women have a line about men paying for it but are fine with ‘free porn
So it’s fine for him to oh for sexual services indirectly ( ie so long as it doesn’t effect my or our back account ) not matter that he is supporting an industry that has a long and detailed history of exploration and paying people ( mainly women and girls ) who are down and out to perform sex for Predominatly men’s entertainment
Is the issue here the paying part
The lying? Mvecause it’s seems that the op is happy for the partner to support the porn industry

Exploitation not exploration ( although I’m sure they try to pass it off for that )