Are these red flags?

[GoldieHelen]

We have only known each other since the summer. When the second lockdown came on we decided to form a bubble together but only see each other once a week.

We maintain daily contact through text messaging but he doesn’t like telephone conversations so never calls.

He is always late. Even if we meet near him place and it’s a 10min walk to the park for him he will be 20mins late. And yet I am always on time even if it takes me an hour to get there.

Puts work first. Often changes dates because something came up at work which is urgent. If I express unhappiness at not being a priority he accuses me of being over emotional and irrational.

Positive points:

He is a good listener and makes me laugh.
Is loving when we do see each other.

The continual, needless lateness is disrespectful.

Telling you you're irrational and too emotional is also disrespectful and likely coming from sexism. If he has to cancel, he should be apologetic and understanding about you being upset.

I wouldn't rate him much.

Late is annoying, mini red flag. But it's 20 minutes not 2 hours.

Prioritizing work over a gf of less than 6 months during a pandemic where many people are losing jobs seems remarkably sensible. I won't expect to be a priority over work this early in a relationship.

However, being called over emotional and irrational is a huge red flag! If you are that incompatible he thinks you are irrational then he needs to finish the relationship. He has no respect for women and thinks any woman who questions him is obviously crazy.

So happy to leave you waiting and accuses you of being irrational when you challenge him. not a keeper IMO

Not liking to take calls (especially if he texts you back straight after ignoring the call so he obviously is not busy) + changing the times of dates (especially at the last minute or for just a bit later on) can be indicators of a player.

Is he glued to his phone? Does he ever text people late at night? Have you seen his home environment? Met his friends?

The always being late could be because he likes making you wait.

But most of all the accusing you of being overly emotional or irrational for expressing your needs to him - is gaslighting. And entirely not on. That alone is a huge and very definate red flag. Run for the hills.

Yes they are

I hadn’t even thought about gaslighting Bunnymummy. Really? Do you think so?
He says he doesn’t know what to do or say when I get so emotional. That he finds it cute but he doesn’t do emotions.

That he finds it cute but he doesn’t do emotions.

Patronising and worrying. He doesn't do emotions? Lack of empathy makes a lousy partner.

Late - I wouldn't say Red flag - BUT this could well be a total no go for you, Does it irritate you, even slightly because any irritation will get worse the longer it goes on. I had one friend who was always late - I was fine about it, just built the 20 mins or whatever into my time planning for them, and if necessary would agree a time with them in advance of the one I really meant.

It would be a massive red flag if he reacts badly if you are late. I really would try this (that is if you can cope with his lateness and haven't binned him off already).

Prioritising work - can be okay. But you do need to be able to discuss this and come up with a compromise about it. Eg. I hate being called whilst at work, I have discussed this and it solved the problem.

But being called emotional and irrational is a big Red flag for me.

The lateness is annoying but I always just factor this in when meeting someone. For example, if someone is always 20 minutes late, just tell them to meet you 20 minutes before you really do want to meet.

Not sure what to think about putting work first to be honest. does he have kids, because i'd fully understand for them to come first, but not work perhaps.

So he's patronising, misogynistic, rude, with no empathy or emotional connection and tells you how you should be feeling and acting.

We do have an emotional and it’s not that he doesn’t have empathy. Just that he finds me overly emotional which he doesn’t know how to cope with. Isn’t that just men?

My exh is always an hour late for everything. It's disrespectful and boring. Why trick someone like that into being on time when you can simply be with someone more polite and thoughtful?

Empathy means understanding others' feelings. So, for example, knowing that someone will be annoyed and hurt if you are late or change an appointment at the last minute, and thus only doing it when absolutely necessary, and apologising when you do.

In what way are you emotional? Did you sob your heart out when he arrived late?

Come on...the guy is a complete loser. His behaviour is disrespectful. Ditch him. You should never stick around when a guy tells you you are 'emotional and irrational' for mentioning you are not happy about being treated poorly...

'Doesnt do emotions', he's actually been talking to you like shit a few times and you have put up with it He enjoys dangling you on a chain with a few scraps of affection he chucks your way. I bet you're not his only 'bubble', you are only ment to have one. It's a worry you have to ask and haven't worked this out for yourself. I hope you have been to his place and not just meeting him in areas 10 mins from his place. What job does he do? Does it tally with why he needs to change meetings often? Maybe he can't always get time away from the family/ girlfriend/partner /wife, he's already got?

In what way are you emotional? Did you sob your heart out when he arrived late?

Not even a little bit. The over emotional comments came after I calmly asked him if he valued my time.

Oh not that old trope of he has a wife/girlfriend/is bubbling with other women etc etc

That is the one thing I am not worried about.

You see him once a week and he is late for that and blames you for minding about it. Is it always you travelling to his place? What would happen if you suggested meeting halfway?

Suggesting he is married is not a trope. Not wanting to speak on the phone or to meet up often is a sign of someone who has another involvement in his life.

It’s actually me that doesn’t have time to meet more than once a week. He has said he’d like to meet more often. Yes we mainly bubble at his but when I have childcare he comes to mine

Surely you can see the possibility?

I’ve met his family on zoom so I doubt that he is involved with anyone else unless they are all covering for him

Sounds as if you are pretty capable of judging how emotional you are.
Overly emotional, irrational, but cute - unless the man was obviously joking I'd honestly have my coat on and be out the door after hearing that!

"We have only known each other since the summer. "

And already he's hard work.

" If I express unhappiness at not being a priority he accuses me of being over emotional and irrational."

"He says he doesn’t know what to do or say when I get so emotional. That he finds it cute but he doesn’t do emotions."

Oh FFS. Bin him, he's an arse.

@GoldieHelen

In what way are you emotional? Did you sob your heart out when he arrived late?

Not even a little bit. The over emotional comments came after I calmly asked him if he valued my time.

So actually it wasn't that you were too emotional - you were calm.

What he doesn't "do", is accept being challenged on his disrespectful behaviour (of, as you rightly pointed out, not valuing your time - because he's far more important than you).

Rather than apologise or admit fault, he did gaslight you by telling you that your were too emotional, even though you know perfectly well you were calm.