Are these red flags?

[GoldieHelen]

We have only known each other since the summer. When the second lockdown came on we decided to form a bubble together but only see each other once a week.

We maintain daily contact through text messaging but he doesn’t like telephone conversations so never calls.

He is always late. Even if we meet near him place and it’s a 10min walk to the park for him he will be 20mins late. And yet I am always on time even if it takes me an hour to get there.

Puts work first. Often changes dates because something came up at work which is urgent. If I express unhappiness at not being a priority he accuses me of being over emotional and irrational.

Positive points:

He is a good listener and makes me laugh.
Is loving when we do see each other.

Another vote for bin him, he's an arse!

Overly emotional, irrational, but cute. How fucking patronising and belittling.

Maybe try arriving half an hour late and cancelling some dates and see how it goes

Why would I bother to play such games Thewoodfromtgetrees? I would sooner end the relationship than be so pathetic

I agree with you in principle...but before you bin him, what benefits do you get out of the relationship?

We do have a strong connection and he is very loving when we are together. It is too early say that we love each other but there are good and loving feelings from both sides.

@GoldieHelen

I hadn’t even thought about gaslighting Bunnymummy. Really? Do you think so? He says he doesn’t know what to do or say when I get so emotional. That he finds it cute but he doesn’t do emotions.

Unfortunately yes.

Telling someone that their perfectly rational reaction to unacceptable behaviour listen not rational/is an overreaction - falls under gaslighting.

Its conditioning you to think 'maybe I'm making a big deal out of a little thing'. Your time being wasted, your boundaries being overstepped and your opinions being undermined - are a big deal. You're feelings are valid. But he is already getting you to wonder about your right to have them. That's concerning.

'I don't do enotions'. Pftttt (Aye ok pal, cheerio!).

*is not (not 'listen')

It shouldn’t be this hard at the beginning of a relationship. OP, he’s not a nice man, he’s belittling you, and not granting you any respect by arriving on time when you meet. He won’t do phone calls or ordinary ‘emotions’.
Your decision, of course. But a lot of red flags, and you deserve someone who values who you are.

To be honest, i arrrive late for most of my dates and it is not because i have no respect for them, it is because it takes me 2 hours to get dolled up, some people just have "bad habits" if you have a strong connection and he is very loving then why not give it a go? MN are full of man haters but we have to be real...a good man is hard to find and everybody has faults. Yes he is prioritising work which means he is a good provider

So men are on their best behaviour at the dating stage so don't it except it to get any better. This is the stage where he's trying to impress you and show he's a catch

So it is a question of whether the pros outweighs the cons vs what is available in the dating pool. If OP is young then bin him, if not then there is no harm to keep him through the xmas. The new dating season starts up again in spring

Depends how much the lateness annoys you, if it gets under your skin it probably will annoy you more and more if this was to turn into a serious relationship
My partner was always late, and 5 years later is still late even now we live together his time management is appalling, however I know that this is a trait of his and he means no harm by it he just is always flipping late!

I also think it depends what his job is, I know this may sound across as quite snobby but if he has a highly important job it's likely that work will always need to be a priority however a more menial job shouldn't require as much attention...

Why is the meeting place so convenient for him, but not you?

Being late can be a habit. I tend to be a few minutes late for social meet ups. I hate to arrive early and get caught out by not realising how long it might take to get ready or suddenly remembering I need to take / do something else. I CAN plan so that I do arrive on time so it is part laziness and I would try harder for a new relationship. I also send texts to say I'm on my way so people aren't left wondering whether I've forgotten. So being late wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I admit, he could try harder.

Prioritising work (if true) makes sense to me. Depends on his job as to whether you think its reasonable that he often has to change plans over it.

Not wanting to talk on the phone...I've never liked talking on the phone. When texting came in, I was overjoyed. I hate receiving unplanned calls and hate the way it takes way longer to say things on the phone. Also easy to say the wrong thing if you're not sure how a conversation is going to go.

Mean of him to call you over emotional and irrational though. But can't you make a joke of it? Call him similar if he complains about something. If he has a sense of humour, it might work.

If he is otherwise lovely, I'd give him another chance. MN is always quick to slag off a man.

@Thingsdogetbetter

Late is annoying, mini red flag. But it's 20 minutes not 2 hours.

Prioritizing work over a gf of less than 6 months during a pandemic where many people are losing jobs seems remarkably sensible. I won't expect to be a priority over work this early in a relationship.

However, being called over emotional and irrational is a huge red flag! If you are that incompatible he thinks you are irrational then he needs to finish the relationship. He has no respect for women and thinks any woman who questions him is obviously crazy.

Yes to all this

If you only been going out a few weeks, then maybe it is a bit much to be dictating his work schedule. What is his job? Maybe it’s always been a bit chaotic and changeable, and that’s something you may have to live with.

Sone people are always late. Not a red flag, but maybe a trait you can’t deal with.

I don’t think it’s red flags as such, more of a compatibility issue.