Struggling with our relationship with a newborn

[EOP2020x]

Hey

So my baby is 6 weeks old (early days, I know) but since she's been born me and my partner are reeeeally not getting on.

Disclaimer! I love him to bits and this is mainly a huuuge rant.

Just to give some context, we've been together for 7.5 years and married for 3. We became very strong throughout these years. He struggles hugely with his mental health and that has caused issues for us, which we've worked on. I don't blame him for the issues he has, we've worked together on this. (It would take a hell of alot of time to explain the issues in detail - but basically, we've come a long way).

Now that our daughter has been born, we are obviously exhausted. We are snapping at each other all the time and we're both very sensitive. I'm also feeling extreme rage - not sure if this is some sort of ppd.

Because of his mental health issues, he needs routine and structure and he's been able to lean on me for support. Now that baby is born he hasn't got that as much and he's struggling.

He's back at work - he gets a full sleep between say 11-6.30 with maybe a stir in the night, but I do the night feeds and have her all day. When he comes home from work he usually has an hour to himself then has her off me so I can catch up on sleep.

I then get up and cook and clean, bath myself then her and go to bed again after her last feed. At this point I get about 4 hours before she's up for the night feed again.

When we're around together, eg weekends, we both take some time to sleep etc. But I spend my time in between looking after her, cooking and cleaning. We've argued about him cleaning for years 🙄 I cba to even get into that. He never thinks to do it.

Sometimes if I've gone back to bed I'll come back down and he's done nothing other than Look after her - which in itself would be consuming. However he sometimes will say 'yeah she's slept all morning'. Okay what have you done then??

Then he storms around the house when he's tired and Huff's and is funny with me as if ivd done something wrong.

We argue over everything at the minute and honestly I'm exhausted.

At the moment I should be sleeping but he's got up this morning saying he's so sick of being tired (saying it to me as if I'm making him tired) and slamming the door taking her downstairs after I've had 3 hours sleep with the night feed and he's had 6. I know it's not a competition but honestly is that a joke!? I'm lay in bed absolutely raging and it won't wear off

Imo he should expect to be tired and not direct his shit at me

Maybe just needed to rant. Any replies would be appreciated

It all sounds very normal and it will get easier. A calm conversation at some point when you are able to might be a good idea, to discuss dividing the housework more fairly.

Congratulations on your newborn!

6 weeks along, I'm sure you are both still adjusting so hopefully you'll both settle into the new routine more as time goes on, it's such a big transition! When you've both simmered down, sit down with him and have an honest conversation about what you need right now. No blaming or competing over who does what as that's a recipe for an argument, just come up with a plan to help you both for the next week or two so that you can fall in step with each other more.

It sounds like he didn't do much around the house pre-baby anyway? As he's adjusting to his new role as a father, I would be trying to introduce him to some of those tasks as well so you even things out. Hope he's receptive to that!

The rage thing is most likely because you’re exhausted, I used to get flashes of absolutely white hot rage when I was worn to the bone with DS refusal to sleep for more than a 90 minute stretch. Do you think you could lower standards a bit? Maybe spend some time batch cooking or go for quick easy meals/shove something in the slow cooker. Baby doesn’t need a bath every day. Your DH could also step up a bit but that will probably depend on how much you want to force that issue. Try and be kind to yourself and each other, you will at some point feel less tired and a bit more human

Remember as well you still have so many hormones rushing through you - I absolutely hated my DP for about 3-4 months after giving birth - he couldn’t do anything right if he did bother doing anything! We argued everyday over anything!- my mum said to me don’t make any rash decisions in the first year after having a baby (unless of course they are actually horrible/abusive etc) -things have got so much better - he’s helping out (a bit!) more now she’s bigger (6 months) and now sleep isn’t bad for either of us we’re both a lot happier and more relaxed. Do I still do the majority of stuff with the baby and round the house? Yes but I don’t have that white hot rage and resentment, so much of that was (for me) hormonal and sleep deprived. It’s only been six weeks you’re both still finding your feet - good luck!

I could have written your post word for word when I had DD1. DH found the transition very hard. He wanted a full nights sleep as he was 'going to work' so I did it all, he wanted his down time still, when I needed him to take the baby so I could shower. He helped out in bits and pieces, but we argued a lot and I spent most of my time in a rage with him, especially about the fact that he was sleeping and I was not, and he was speaking to other adults and I could go a whole week without talking to another person bar him. We both thought we were the worse off person.

The good news is it got soooo much better at about 4/5 months. DH got used to always being a busy dad, he got used to sleeping less, I got used to realising phases come and go, and my hormones eased so I didnt feel such rage. I just had DD2 and we are such a better functioning and much happier couple.

My advice, keep telling yourself it will pass, its a temporary problem, and try not to throw a pan at him when he inevitably says he is tired. He is probably trying his very best. He will adjust, you will adjust, and you are in the hardest part now. It will get easier.

Seriously she is 6 weeks old

Concentrate on feeding and sleeping, you and her.

The housework isn't important

Wash some clothes, eat and wash up

Spend some time together as a couple.

I've been there. I absolutely hated the first few months and the sleep deprivation and utter shock that it wasn't like they say in the adverts (coupled with a horribly undignified and painful birth) meant that I was raging and mad at the world and especially at my husband who would pat himself on the back for doing his fair share and would lecture me about how to sterilise things at the worst possible times. I honestly contemplated divorce. We quickly introduced bottles and my daughter started sleeping through and became a hell of a lot more fun and things between us calmed down and we stopped arguing over irrational things. She's now 2.5 and I'm loving every second of being her mum. I echo the above, focus on sleep, rest and wellbeing, everything else can wait. Push through those few months. Pick your battles. Revisit the situation in 4-6 months!

I am not sure if I have missed this but can you sleep when your baby sleeps during the day? My dc used to snooze off after every feed which at 6 weeks was every 4 or 5 hours or something?

You could write a list of things you'd really like your partner to doing as if he doesn't "see" the jobs for himself that way he feels he is doing something useful and feels good and you get your jobs done.

Try to get out for walks with your baby in a baby bjorn on your chest maybe, your baby will love being close to you and might help blow cobwebs and your fury away!

If you supported your dh before, the baby will mean he can't get as much as before from you and you might want to think about that now, like him getting counselling or some other strategy as an alternative.

Let the house go hang and sleep when you can.

Do simple meals and take it in turns to cook.

“Let the house go hang and sleep when you can.

Do simple meals and take it in turns to cook.”

This with bells on.

As Vicki Iovine says in The Best Friend’s Guide to Surviving The First Year of Motherhood - “Don’t stand if you can sit. Don’t sit if you can lie down. Don’t stay awake if you can go to sleep.” At this stage, the ONLY things the matter are the welfare of the baby and then of you and your DH and everyone getting as much sleep as is possible in the circumstances. Honestly. The early months of your first baby are such a shock and so exhausting - cut yourselves as much slack as possible, share as much of the parenting as you can and hang on in there. It gets a lot easier as your baby gets bigger and more settled.

@Newwayofthinking

Seriously she is 6 weeks old

Concentrate on feeding and sleeping, you and her.

The housework isn't important

Wash some clothes, eat and wash up

Spend some time together as a couple.

This.

Cleaning shouldn't be your or your DH's priority at all right now apart from making sure some key areas are hygienic. Just looking after baby is enough work. Sounds like you're picking fights with him because you're tired and also happen to have a higher cleaning standard than him.

Make it clear to him that you're snappy and argumentative with him due to the tiredness and things will get better when little one is sleeping better. You're both on the same team and being at each other's throats is futile. For goodness sake, don't make your relationship worse than it needs to be over silly things like cleaning!! Much more important for both of you to spend quality time with baby and any time you can with each other. Don't spoil it by nagging about what hasn't been done, you need to take care of your relationship as this is usually the beginning of where things can start to go wrong.

Time for a rota or a new routine?

Sounds like you are trying to do everything you did before but now with no time at all to yourself. 6 weeks in is still pretty relentless and I get that it's disheartening to watch the dust accumulate around you especially if you have a Velcro baby.

Your husband/partner is not in the habit of thinking about what needs doing and getting on with it. And is getting his head bitten off because he is not a mind reader/otherwise inspired.

First 6 months are a huge culture shock. We've never bickered so much. It gets easier with a bit more rest but actually it's an opportunity to reset things a little too. If you have a second child and you're still doing it all you'll wake up one day to be told by Mumsnet that you're a doormat.

He could do bath time if you like to cook (or do anything other than hold the baby for 30 mins), he could bring you breakfast in bed before heading to work in the am (and leave the kitchen clean), he could iron some shit while watching tv if you go to bed early, you could split the cooking so he knows he has to plan a couple of meals.

@Rollingpiglet

It all sounds very normal and it will get easier. A calm conversation at some point when you are able to might be a good idea, to discuss dividing the housework more fairly.

Why is it normal?

My DH is in his 70s and was absolutely an equal with regards to housework, cooking and as far as he could with a b/f baby, parenting.

Thanks for everyone's responses.

Just want to clarify that when I'm saying cleaning, yes I'm probably doing more than needs to be done but I'm not asking him to start deep cleaning, I mean general housework like washing bottles and dishes, or hoovering. Those are things I do think need to be done.

Yes I am much more snappy with him, it is a massive shock and we have spoke about it. @AbiBrown I keep thinking the same thing about separating but I don't really want that, I just feel like I've got an extra child sometimes! I'm still expected to do anything besides look after my baby and that pisses me off

I get it. And honestly, you're in charge of your happiness and if at some point you feel separating would be best then you are perfectly entitled to do that. I rarely say this but this is a truly stressful time when we all behave differently, so I would leave the big decisions until at least a few months down the line. Prioritise sleep over anything else. I also get it that you want a clean house, a dirty, messy house stresses me out even more. If you can, throw money at it, get someone to do a deep clean, have a calm conversation during a nap time... Sorry if you've answered this already, but if you can have someone look after the baby for a few hours. Things WILL calm down and you will be much more lucid and able to decide what it is you want. All the best!

When ds was little we chucked the hoover round once a fortnight if that and honestly everything was fine. Hope things improve soon

Did you discuss before ttc how things would look like with a baby? If he didn't do much before why did you assume he would turn into a domestic god once the baby arrives?

@PetitTorteois

Did you discuss before ttc how things would look like with a baby? If he didn't do much before why did you assume he would turn into a domestic god once the baby arrives?

Maybe because OP didn't realise what having a new baby is really like?

I think we can all vouch for that feeling!! Until you have your first baby, you really have no idea (probably nature's way of making sure we reproduce..)

I know this sounds pathetic but it sounds like he hasn’t a clue or he’s lazy, but I’d write a list of everything that needs to be done each day-

Washing bottles
Washing up
Cooking tea
Putting rubbish out
Etc etc

Then talk to him about how you will both split this list up fairly.

Then you shouldn’t need to tell him what to do, brocade he will have his “jobs”.

(This is what I did with my teenagers but it may well work with your H).

Having a baby and a partner with mental health issues is a recipe for disaster. You say he leant on you a lot. Well now you have a baby who is even more needy than him and takes priority. He still wants a lot of emotional support and frankly you can’t give it. It’s too much.

All sounds very normal to be honest OP - there’s a transition period where you find your groove and things get better.

Ask for help, be honest and give him a list of chores if needed. I know it’s incredibly stressful but six weeks in is very much in the deep end of new parenthood.

I’m like you where I like my house clean and tidy which isn’t easy with babies - it’s really tough when you feel like your carrying the world on your shoulders.

Time to honest about the support you need, unfortunately time to yourself is very limited with a new baby so your DH needs to lower his expectations on that front!

I am so sorry OP but this is perfectly normal for the first 6 months of babies....the rage, oh dear, I was full of it. My life had completely changed and his hadn't! He then had the cheek to go off and play golf at the weekend...I was incensed! However, your DH has mental health issues so you not only do you have yourself, your husband and your baby in the relationship, you have his mental health too. So there are 4 of you to deal with. Its too much. He needs support from the outside to deal with is mental health and not to lean on you right now. Is he ASD? I wish you all the best, it does get better.

OP, get him to seek independent help for his mental health issues and take more responsibility for them. Sometimes people become overly reliant on someone else to provide stability for them. Yes you're there to care and support, but it's possible you made a rod for your own back by being too accommodating towards him during the pre-marriage period so he now takes it for granted that you're there to fulfil his own needs. It's also apparently possible for men to have postpartum depression.
This is a very tough period for any relationship so I'm sure in time it will get better.

@AbiBrown thanks for that 🥰 yeah I think right now I'm just so tired I don't cope too well with the tiniest of things. I love him I don't want to split up, we just aren't getting on right now!

@Circusoflove I kind of understand what you're saying but that's like saying someone who has mental health issues can't be loved or in a relationship. Also can't have kids.. just to clarify he already has 4 before ours. I would never leave him based on that

@PetitTorteois yes we did talk before baby came but I don't feel like asking him to hoover/do dishes is expecting him to become a domestic god?

@LizzieSiddal yeah we've ended up agreeing on that even though it sounds daft. I even feel like that's anothr weight on my shoulders having to write a bloody chores list and being the bad guy for doing so!

Sounds totally normal to me.

I remember someone telling me that you should never split up in the first year after having a baby because it's so stressful.

I couldn't stand my partner after first baby. We fell out every night, then it got better. Then we had another one and fall out about 5 nights a week😂. It does get better eventually!