Please advise - anxious attachment in relationships

[PercyPiglet1]

Has anyone been successful overcoming the triggers? I get concerned if they message less, pursue less (not ridiculously so, but I'm sensitive to it).

Ive been known to find 'reasons' to end a relationship because I'm too anxious about where I stand. If they protest then I usually stay, if not I know I was right to end it . I've read some books, hoping for experience or hopefully successes others have had though! Either being the anxious one or being in a relationship with someone who is anxious. Thank you!

I think my DP has anxious attachment and I have avoidant.
I don’t have any advice I’m afraid - it’s a LDR and he’s currently smarting from some perceived slight.
I experience him as very touchy and he jumps to conclusions -

I think I'm both avoidant and anxious - though I've majorly found that with the right bloke I'm much less anxious (always know where I stand with him and he doesn't screw me about re; texting for example).

I'd say finding a partner who cares about your feelings and wants to adapt to accommodate them is a really good step to naturally manage any overbearing tendencies If it's really out of control though, you could potentially try counselling? Overthinking is a real problem but there are ways of helping it. x

Best way to overcome it is to be with someone who has quite a secure attachment style themselves. This can help you to adjust some of your behaviour as you gain confidence. This and/or shedloads of therapy.

I used to be like this. It ruined a number of relationships and was hugely exhausting.

However when I got together with DH, I realised quickly he's VERY frank and doesn't do deceit or play games. It made me calm down massively, because I realised if he said he'd call /do something/be somewhere he absolutely meant it. It's not always a blessing - he's more than willing to tell me when he thinks I'm being a muppet. But I don't have to second- guess and it's so much easier...

I can relate. I’ve had this attachment style in all of my relationships! I’ve no advice but I’m single now and taking time to breathe & reflect. I wish I had got over this when I was younger but que sera sera!

I'm feeling the same right now in a new relationship and I don't know what to do :(
Just felt anxious all day as I feel like he's communicating less today and I haven't seen him this weekend either. But he's been at work! I know this and I'm still feeling anxious when it shouldn't be like this.
My last relationship I knew was ending when there was a drop in communication so I have a reason for the anxiety but I'd really like to not feel this way now :(

Yeah - I look back on relationships & realise how unpleasant they were. When I did online dating, I was overcome by anxiety waiting for texts etc.

I wonder is there a book we can read? I read & would recommend Codependent No More which was superb but it’s not about anxious attachment per se.

@Separatedandabitsad

Yeah - I look back on relationships & realise how unpleasant they were. When I did online dating, I was overcome by anxiety waiting for texts etc.

I wonder is there a book we can read? I read & would recommend Codependent No More which was superb but it’s not about anxious attachment per se.

There's a book called Attachment

Thanks. I’ll check it out. I understand attachment theory etc but would love to read a book about how to overcome an anxious attachment style & move towards happier & more enjoyable relationships.

The first dating site to screen men and only allow the secure attachment style ones to join would be a success! No more avoidant men!
On the flip side, some men would probably pay more to only meet secure attachment style women and avoid the anxious ones 🤷‍♀️

I think i have a tendency towards an anxious attachment style.

I manage it by, effectively, switching off my emotions. I tell myself it's only going to be temporary and that I have no expectations. I don't encourage or seek verbal affection and I dont read anything into anything that is said to me. I have no 'hopes' for a relationship.

I don't develop feelings and shut them down if I do. I give relationships 6 months max and review every month. If I'm feeling bad more than I'm feeling good, I end it.

On the rare occasions I haven't done this, and have hoped for something more real, relationships have been utterly traumatic and I've ended them anyway.

So nowadays, I just don't. I don't get attached, don't fall in love. None of it.

You have to stop perceiving yourself as faulty for having the anxious attachment style. It's not something to overcome or get over or change about yourself. You are who you are. Thinking that you need to change makes you anxious. That's what causes it!

If your attachment style is making your relationship uncomfortable, it's because you're with the wrong partner, not because you are having the wrong feelings.

You don't have to be in a relationship. If you feel you do, fix that first; learn to be happy single. You'll be much more successful at finding a happy relationship once you're better at walking away from unhappy ones, thinking you need to change something about yourself.

Well put @Eckhart
After all, I know lots of people in happy relationships with all kinds of attachment styles

@DaftOldDog

Do you think that's a healthy way of dealing with it? It sounds horribly like you're just massively supressing everything and shutting yourself down.

Eckhart

That's exactly what I'm doing.

No, I don't think it's a particularly healthy way of dealing with it but, for me, it's better than the alternative and keeps me safe whilst allowing to pretend at relationships for a while.

If I ever met someone worthwhile, maybe I'd reconsider this approach but I've given up hoping for that too.

DaftOldDog

Emotional safety is paramount, as is openness to change. I hope that one day you are wholeheartedly surprised by meeting somebody who meets your needs.

Although singledom and being able to take care of oneself is deeply under rated!

I think Eckhart has nailed it, you are great, exactly as you are. What might not be helping is the ‘cool girl v needy girl’ trope. This is a brilliant article (think I got it from a post here a few years ago and bookmarked it: jezebel.com/what-does-it-even-mean-to-be-a-needy-girl-1475068866

There's also this peculiar thing where you can have a really anxious attachment style, generally, but then meet someone with a more anxious attachment style than you, and voila! Suddenly you're avoidant.

Our styles are not set in stone, and are highly influenced by who we're with. If your attachment style with one person doesn't feel right, it's not you! It's the dynamic the two of you create together.

It's all very liberating!

Eckhart

I'm open to it.

I just don't expect it.

I enjoy the company of men. I enjoy dating but I'm actively repelled by men who seem keen. (Lovebombers don't stand a chance with me! 🤣)

I hope that one day you are wholeheartedly surprised by meeting somebody who meets your needs.

So do I

There's also this peculiar thing where you can have a really anxious attachment style, generally, but then meet someone with a more anxious attachment style than you, and voila! Suddenly you're avoidant.

Yup. I've experienced that too!

I'm anxiously attached and ended up married to someone incapable of feeling emotions. When I finally extricated myself from that, I had a string of fairly disastrous flings with avoidant and downright narcissistic men! Then I had a block of systemic therapy and a light bulb went on. I suddenly believed that I'm okay, just as I am. I've now met someone who is very secure and my usual triggers have occurred. But I've tried to react differently, and most importantly he has welcomed discussion about it and has made it very clear that I am okay just as I am. Techniques I find helpful are: opposite action - if I feel the urge to withdraw, I do the opposite and reach out. Distress tolerance - I've built up my ability to tolerate my distress and anxiety. Mindfulness has helped with this but I've never done particularly formal practice. But mainly, talking talking and more talking. I don't always succeed and have run away when feeling vulnerable (literally, once ) but we're committed to overcoming these bumps. And I still believe I'm okay just as I am, even if this relationship doesn't work out. I do highly recommend systemic therapy!

Sorry to waffle on, but something else I read which really resonated with me and helped, is that I see avoidant behaviour as the ultimate test of my lovableness and therefore seek out these challenges in some kind of masochistic better the devil you know cycle. So a normal relationship could seem boring. Recognising things like this has really helped me.

@Misty9

Woah!!! I could have written your post word for word - apart from the part about having met the right person. I’m sad about being single as I look back at a trail of failed relationships and my anxious attachment had a starring role in all of them.

I felt warm reading this & happy for you - even though I don’t know you! But I do know the suffering this kind of attachment can cause in relationships:

But I've tried to react differently, and most importantly he has welcomed discussion about it and has made it very clear that I am okay just as I am

@Separatedandabitsad

I’m sad about being single as I look back at a trail of failed relationships and my anxious attachment had a starring role in all of them

For as long as you have this mindset, you will continue to have poor relationships. Do you not think that your partners' attachment styles played a part? In triggering you, in solving the issues when they came up? Your attachment style can stay exactly as it is, and if someone treats you the way you want to be treated, you will rarely get triggered, and when you are, they'll want to sort it out in a similar way to you.

It's NOT your fault. It takes two. The only way you could be solely responsible would be if you were abusive, or if you deliberately sabotaged the relationships because you enjoyed the 'kill'.

@Separatedandabitsad aww, thank you. But as eesha says, you are just fine as you are and when you believe that, others will take your lead

you are just fine as you are and when you believe that, others will take your lead

Also, you will see when someone starts to trigger you, and leave, rather than stay and be triggered into all holy hell and behave like an anxiously attached nightmare.

Oops, I meant eckhart, not eesha