Can your relationship really become stronger after your partner has an affair?

[Kringlena]

I'm trying to keep information fairly vague as I think members of my family use mn so forgive lack of hard and fast detail.

I found out last year that dh of 30 years had been having an affair. The first few months post discovery were terrible, I never want to go back to the place I was in then. However, after a couple of months of talking and communicating more than we'd done in years, we set out on a "new better relationship".

For about six months I was happy. I really felt we were in a stronger and closer relationship. We talked more, our sex life was rejuvenated, we spent as much time together as possible.

Then I found out something that suggested he might have been in touch with ow again. Naturally he denied it and I have no proof either way. But suddenly all the hard work we'd done and the progress we'd made seemed to count for nothing.

Now - well now I don't actually know what sort of relationship we have. I suppose I'm on edge a lot and am obsessing over things that happened during the affair that I thought I'd put to rest. I'm so tired and confused and don't know what to do for the best. My head is constantly, and I do mean constantly, full of what happened.

I have just ended it.I found out 18 months by accident that my partner was having an affair - i was totally blindsided. I kicked him out - he wasn't entirely truthful with me about what went on. He had lied to the OW as well and she got in touch with me and told me some truths he confirmed.

We got back together a few months later but it was never the same. I didn't want the old relationship back I wanted a better one - but it was never going to be different so I have just ended it. I'm not wasting any more of my life on it. You deserve to be happy.

Should say we had been together for 18 years and I found out 18 months ago.

Hello @Kringlena. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My exH had an affair, and we stayed together for two years and tried to work it out. It didn't and we separated. I'd recommend either reading or listening to (on audible) "leave a cheater, gain a life". I listened to it after the event, and I realised that I was trying to change someone who had already checked out. That I had put it a lot of the leg work, when it wasn't me to blame.

There is a lot of onus placed on the innocent party about working out why the other party had an affair, and it just isn't fair. Whilst it's hard to take, you're with someone who has questionable values. He has put you through this.

I hope that whichever route you decide upon that you can find peace.

No. It doesn’t make it stronger. Those who say it does are lying to themselves. 12 years ago my dh had an affair and I’m still living with him, raising three children and heartbroken.

@SillyOldMummy

Do you agree that your marriage was already in trouble before the affair, and that he wanted to talk to you about problems and you were refusing? You say "apparently" he tried to tell you, as if you don't accept this at all.

Was the affair mainly about sex and excitement and not really emotional?

I'm not excusing the affair but if he did feel you were stonewalling him, gaslighting him about problems, picking arguments or criticising, withholding affection/sex, etc then you may already have had big problems, you were just in denial of them. I think you need to work with him to really understand what he thought had gone so badly wrong that after so many years he was so unhappy he looked elsewhere, having been faithful (I assume) for the preceding decades. Because there is no point trying to get over the affair if underneath it there are still problems simmering - he feels he was driven to it, and you think you're the victim.

I'm not saying you are responsible for the affair, far from it. But I've seen middle aged and older women be extremely horrible to their partners just by habit, making their lives a real misery.

And here you are now, both playing nicely on the surface, but he is still thinking of the OW he has given up, and you are sniping ag him with "constant questions" - it sounds like you are pretty determined to punish him for his infidelity over and over, rather than truly move past it and try again.

On the face of the information given, I don't think your marriage can or should survive. It sounds like it has been pushed past its natural life and you would probably both be happier if you went your separate ways. You are unlikely to fully forgive or forget the infidelity and it will haunt you, even if you can get past whatever other marital difficulties you were having. I am sorry for you both, and hope you find a way to end the relationship amicably without vindictiveness or blaming each other, and try to focus on remembering good times you had together.

Sometimes, a fresh start can be a huge relief and a new lease of life, even though it seems very scary and the actual break up can be very emotional after so long.

this wasnt my exact situation, but I agree so much with this analysis. I ended my marriage immediately on finding out about infidelity but the marriage had been dead for years. But i will say that I havent deserved at all the vindictive hunt through family court to destroy me, so do obtain as much evidence in advance as you possibly can, if you decide to separate and divorce.

I'm sorry but I agree with Happymum12345, I don't think you can ever 'get over it'.

The trust might be able to be rebuilt (If he totally recommits and is consistently loving) but the love you felt, and believed he felt for you (which is an important aspect of the endless hurt) has fundamentally changed. Betrayal kills it all, sometimes instantly, sometimes slowly over time. The trouble is you don't know that, so you stay and hope while the image of how things used to be fades so gradually that one day you realise nothing is there, just shadows of feelings from an earlier time when you were so in love.

I'm 20 years down the line and with the best will in the world it is nothing like it used to be so I don't believe time heals, it just changes things.

There are so many things to unpack in your situation @Kringlena, that I don't feel they could be given justice in one - or a few - posts. One of the most immediately pressing issues I sense from your posts is that you are holding yourself responsible in part, even though you probably do not realise that you are. The reason I think this is because you say you are comparing yourself unfavourably to the OW. Do not do this, please. You are not the cause of his infidelity.
When you find yourself continually going over the same questions in your head 24/7 - questions about why he did it, how could he have done this to you after so many years together, who instigated it, what he told her about you, what you were doing when he was with her.. all the myriad of questions which you need answers to, remember to keep telling yourself that you only need to remember one thing: he did this because he was selfish.
I think it is important for you to keep talking about your experience as it does sound as if you are displaying PTSD. It might be worth speaking to the GP about potentially receiving CBT. You can also keep posting here, under pseudonyms if necessary if you are scared about being recognised. Or you can direct message here as I am sure there would be many who would be happy to support you.

I don't think it can ever be stronger. The trust has gone and he's not the same person in my eyes. I will always resent the fact that due to children and financial circumstances I have stayed when free of all that he would be gone. No doubt about it

Just wondering if going through hysterical bonding is any indicator of whether the marriage will survive after an affair? Anyone went through the loved up second honeymoon but it still didn't last?

I think you'll know when you know OP, until then (& during this dead CV time anyway where you can't do anything) it's worth trying to move past it. Perhaps set yourself a deadline and start thinking about what will make you happy in the future - a move? Your own place?

If the rest of the relationship is good/great then I'm sure it'll be easier to let go of doubts and resentment but I'm not sure he sounds all that understanding.

Read Esther Perel's State of Affairs - it explains the process and suggests help on surviving it.

Either he's been balls deep in someone he just thinks if as a convenient fanny, or he has forged an emotional and sexual connection with another woman. You deserve better. Men who have affairs are callous and don't have a high regard for women, especially their wives.

I was willing to try again after DH’s affair but DH not interested, it’s interesting to read other people’s experiences. The literature & websites I’ve read in the last couple of months suggest that a marriage can be stronger but the real life people who’ve tried on here seem to suggest not.

I’d agree that there seems to be an onus on the betrayed party to fix the mistakes they made, which is bollox really as they’re not the ones who’ve endangered the marriage. What happens if they do the wrong things - can the other party then try & justify another affair?

Another thing to think about is that most literature suggests it takes two years for a marriage to recover. It seems from the experiences on here it takes longer. My Relate counsellor says it takes two years to recover from the end of the marriage so perhaps that’s the better option.

At one time I was convinced it had, that we'd got through it and we were stronger than ever. But there was still pain underlying, and he just couldn't keep it in his pants. He was craftier about it tho, and he gaslighted the hell out of me telling me I had "trust issues" and so forth. So it was a slow drawn out death of a relationship.

My ex husband had an affair. I initially (and naively) believed it made us stronger. It most certainly did not. It merely emphasised his weaknesses and an inner strength I never knew existed. Once the dust settled, I began to lose respect for him, as did friends and family. It then transpired that my attempt of forgiveness had clearly given him permission to continue in his trail of deceit and betrayal. Once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to get that back. Even if the trust had been rebuilt, I did not care to be with a man who thought it was appropriate to have sex with someone else, whilst claiming his undying love for me. That is not my idea of love. I completely adored him. It took me eight long years to get over him. Not once have I ever regretted telling him to get out. Love isn't enough. Trust your gut.

From experience.. it never goes away. Laying here listening to the vile man next to me snoring wishing I'd chucked him out three years ago. .

@littlemissgrinchy it’s not too late for you to do that, plus if he has no idea you have time to plan.

He does not deserve your loyalty