Can your relationship really become stronger after your partner has an affair?

[Kringlena]

I'm trying to keep information fairly vague as I think members of my family use mn so forgive lack of hard and fast detail.

I found out last year that dh of 30 years had been having an affair. The first few months post discovery were terrible, I never want to go back to the place I was in then. However, after a couple of months of talking and communicating more than we'd done in years, we set out on a "new better relationship".

For about six months I was happy. I really felt we were in a stronger and closer relationship. We talked more, our sex life was rejuvenated, we spent as much time together as possible.

Then I found out something that suggested he might have been in touch with ow again. Naturally he denied it and I have no proof either way. But suddenly all the hard work we'd done and the progress we'd made seemed to count for nothing.

Now - well now I don't actually know what sort of relationship we have. I suppose I'm on edge a lot and am obsessing over things that happened during the affair that I thought I'd put to rest. I'm so tired and confused and don't know what to do for the best. My head is constantly, and I do mean constantly, full of what happened.

The people I know who've stayed together after affairs definitely haven't been happier or "stronger" than before. I'm sure it happens occasionally. I imagine in most cases for a marriage to continue with a veneer of happiness, the wronged partner is required to constantly push down a lot of feelings of anxiety, distress, hurt, suspicion, betrayal etc. Eventually if you push down these feelings far enough it becomes possible to live a relatively normal life where the affair is not at the forefront of your mind, but choosing to ignore/forget is not the same as true happiness and it certainly doesn't signify a healthy relationship. And those feelings, even if you ignore them, have a nasty habit of manifesting in other ways. Lots of people live with all kinds of unresolved trauma by pushing it down like this. You'd be surprised how we can convince everyone, even ourselves, that everything is fine. I also think that sometimes the people who are living like this in the aftermath of an affair are the very ones who will say "oh we're so much stronger now, our marriage has never been better" because they are trying to validate their decisions and validate the relationship to themselves and others. Like if they project an image of a healed, happy, healthy marriage, that's what they will have.

I can understand why people might stay for financial reasons etc - marriage is complex and it's a lot easier from the outside to say LTB when you don't know the ins and outs of someone's personal situation - but I think that staying on the off chance that you'll be one of the lucky few who genuinely heal their marriage is a bad gamble. More than likely you'll throw good years after bad and then it'll be even harder to leave.

No.

Unless you had an affair in response to your partner's affair. Then "stronger" takes on a different meaning.

[quote Kringlena]@thefourgp well he started out saying he did it because he wasn't happy with how things were between us, and apparently every time he tried to tell me this, I denied there were problems. So in effect it was my fault he'd been forced to be unfaithful . We did then get to a place where he accepted his wrong he'd been, and he was very apologetic. He does get a bit impatient with me these days with my endless questions - tbh I get impatient with myself.

Another issue for me is that I know that ow is a very different type of person to me and I keep comparing myself (in my head) unfavourably to her.[/quote]
FFS, he's not taking full responsibility for his very shitty choices and decision making.

Victim blaming.

Impatience.

Lack of insight into his behaviour and how he allowed OW to enter his life.

Sorry, it does not look good.

It doesn't sound like he's making as much effort as he should.

What makes you think he contacted the ow?

I like to think I'd have the strength to leave but not been in this position since I've been married with children so not judging.

Sorry you're going through this.

If its any consolation, more people survive affairs then it breaks them.

I'm on the fence at the minute with my own situation but I think there is a lot more to the story for me than with you. I am really struggling to trust again (we are 2.5 years after the affair).

Speak to your husband openly and trust your gut.

If its any consolation, more people survive affairs then it breaks them

Surviving is a good word, but the op didn’t ask if you could survive, she asked if it could get stronger. Surviving is just existing

And a lot of relationships survive, not because the participants can’t stand to be apart, it’s because of lifestyle, worried about money, children, even what others will think,

Op look up hysterical bonding, it’s where after an affair you try so much harder, have more sex because you think he must be attractive if someone else wanted him, to keep him, to win, to make loads of effort and feel relief the relationship isn’t over. Then the adrenaline wears off and you just look at him and realise all you have is a cheat.

My best friends husband had an affair and she was willing to give their marriage another go. She caught him still communicating with the OW and then she ended for good. Now looking back, although she still has her bad days, she is glad it ended as she said her life was horrible. She questioned everything and anything day in and day out. That’s no way to live. She deserves so much better.

Why would it be a consolation to hear that loads of people ride out shitty relationships to their own detriment when there's absolutely no reason to?

@IWantT0BreakFree

The people I know who've stayed together after affairs definitely haven't been happier or "stronger" than before. I'm sure it happens occasionally. I imagine in most cases for a marriage to continue with a veneer of happiness, the wronged partner is required to constantly push down a lot of feelings of anxiety, distress, hurt, suspicion, betrayal etc. Eventually if you push down these feelings far enough it becomes possible to live a relatively normal life where the affair is not at the forefront of your mind, but choosing to ignore/forget is not the same as true happiness and it certainly doesn't signify a healthy relationship. And those feelings, even if you ignore them, have a nasty habit of manifesting in other ways. Lots of people live with all kinds of unresolved trauma by pushing it down like this. You'd be surprised how we can convince everyone, even ourselves, that everything is fine. I also think that sometimes the people who are living like this in the aftermath of an affair are the very ones who will say "oh we're so much stronger now, our marriage has never been better" because they are trying to validate their decisions and validate the relationship to themselves and others. Like if they project an image of a healed, happy, healthy marriage, that's what they will have.

I can understand why people might stay for financial reasons etc - marriage is complex and it's a lot easier from the outside to say LTB when you don't know the ins and outs of someone's personal situation - but I think that staying on the off chance that you'll be one of the lucky few who genuinely heal their marriage is a bad gamble. More than likely you'll throw good years after bad and then it'll be even harder to leave.

Completely agree with this

No.

I would say theoretically yes, but in reality it heavily depends on your H attitude to infidelity, what kind of affair he had (one night stand or deeply emotional) and if can stick to no contact in any way with OW. There is not much hope while they are in contact.

The result of an affair in a marriage causes you to question every single thing done or said in that time period and that is soul destroying . I suspect that even innocent things are seen in a different light as the truth is you don't really know ! You have one person grieving the loss of their OW as they do and the other coping with these revelations. So many women initially stay in these situations due to a variety of reasons - children, fear of life without their H, money fears and the fact that they have been together so long , fear of loss of the future they though they had - and try again .My experiences of these women are the one who has remained bitter and has refused to wear her wedding rings ever again , the one who says "every day I question why I am still with him " and the one who asked if they could stay together and he could still see the OW to name only a few . In my own case he was repentant and tried for about a year but eventually felt that I was still dwelling on it too much . We lumbered on for a few more years with him withdrawing into a separate bubble .I am now free of him and living the best life ever - free of all that shit , anxiety , mental confusion and dealing with it everyday . I am married again and I love my life . I should have said no when he begged to stay .

It is very hard to talk about staying with a lying cheating husband on Mumsnet.
If you say you are happy, people say you are delusional. If you say you are struggling and feeling a mix of complex emotions, people say: 'Just leave! You are a fool to stay- you will be so much happier if you go'.

Here is a thread on this subject in Ask Me Anything which might be of interest to you, OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3817879-I-stayed-with-my-DH-after-his-long-term-affair

I read it a long time ago, but I think I remember that the OP seemed insightful, wise, and able to deal graciously with people's hateful comments.

He has to cut of the OW completely or its not going to work, surely he cant just throw 30 years away like that, all your shared memories and your children.
This time of life is just a blip, he will regret it in a few years when he is old and has thrown it all away.
You should go for counselling.
My husband of 20 years just walked away with the OW and didn't come back, I hear he regrets it now but it's too late for me I'm not willing to take him back.

Sounds like there’s nothing he can do that will satisfy your rancour. Ultimately , nobody can keep walking on eggshells indefinitely so he’ll likely make an executive decision if he feels he’s just treading water. My sister was in a similar position and although she said she wanted to forget and move on , she didn’t really, she just kept picking at a scab. In the end she let her bitterness cloud her judgment and it was all she thought about. Her husband moved on pretty quickly but she’s still banging on about him.

@FredtheFerret very accurate! I feel like that. To think someone you loved and made marriage vowels with could disrespect you with very little thought seems to be my biggest issue. You can't fix that.

@PurrBox

It is very hard to talk about staying with a lying cheating husband on Mumsnet. If you say you are happy, people say you are delusional. If you say you are struggling and feeling a mix of complex emotions, people say: 'Just leave! You are a fool to stay- you will be so much happier if you go'.

Here is a thread on this subject in Ask Me Anything which might be of interest to you, OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3817879-I-stayed-with-my-DH-after-his-long-term-affair

I read it a long time ago, but I think I remember that the OP seemed insightful, wise, and able to deal graciously with people's hateful comments.

Why are these comments “hateful” in your eyes? Not liking the message doesn’t make them hateful. In fact people tend to be empathetic but honest. Very few women are happier when their husbands been fucking another women, there is no way round it.

What is a relationship anyway? In your eyes OP.

You don't trust him. He doesn't respect you. These are the foundations upon which you build a relationship and you don't even have the basics.

It can't be put right. It can't be undone. This is why you feel miserable. It's no way to live your life. You would be happier on your own.

@IWantT0BreakFree

The people I know who've stayed together after affairs definitely haven't been happier or "stronger" than before. I'm sure it happens occasionally. I imagine in most cases for a marriage to continue with a veneer of happiness, the wronged partner is required to constantly push down a lot of feelings of anxiety, distress, hurt, suspicion, betrayal etc. Eventually if you push down these feelings far enough it becomes possible to live a relatively normal life where the affair is not at the forefront of your mind, but choosing to ignore/forget is not the same as true happiness and it certainly doesn't signify a healthy relationship. And those feelings, even if you ignore them, have a nasty habit of manifesting in other ways. Lots of people live with all kinds of unresolved trauma by pushing it down like this. You'd be surprised how we can convince everyone, even ourselves, that everything is fine. I also think that sometimes the people who are living like this in the aftermath of an affair are the very ones who will say "oh we're so much stronger now, our marriage has never been better" because they are trying to validate their decisions and validate the relationship to themselves and others. Like if they project an image of a healed, happy, healthy marriage, that's what they will have.

I can understand why people might stay for financial reasons etc - marriage is complex and it's a lot easier from the outside to say LTB when you don't know the ins and outs of someone's personal situation - but I think that staying on the off chance that you'll be one of the lucky few who genuinely heal their marriage is a bad gamble. More than likely you'll throw good years after bad and then it'll be even harder to leave.

Fully agree with this.

When I finally left my cheating ex, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I no longer had to worry, even subconsciously, that he would hurt me so badly again.

Ironically, as exs and co-parents, we get on fine now.

What made you think he's contacted her again?

I think a marriage technically could get back to something like what it was before, if the cheater is truly apologetic and guilty for what they did, and the victim can truly forgive and forget. But stronger? Not sure on that, you'd have a new relationship sure, but it would be as strong as the past one.

But that takes into consideration both sides and no blame from the cheater. Your husband is blaming you for it. That's not truly feeling guilty or feeling apologetic, and that's your problem. Plus the fact he may still be in contact with the ow.

Absolutely no chance!

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I've been trying to think today about why I'm staying, why I want things to work, whether or not I still love him. Truthfully, I'm not sure I do love him anymore but he's been part of my life for most of my life. How do you start again at my age? Do I want to be old and alone?

I'm sorry for not naming everyone but someone asked if there was any truth to his claims that he'd tried to address any issues. We did sometimes have discussions about our sex life, or lack of it, but I've had some gynaecological issues on and off for the last five years, and I thought he was on board with it all. When we could have sex, we did. He also said that I seemed to disapprove of him all the time and was never happy. I don't accept that. I've always tried to support his every move, and have always admired him for his work ethic.

@Kringlena

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I've been trying to think today about why I'm staying, why I want things to work, whether or not I still love him. Truthfully, I'm not sure I do love him anymore but he's been part of my life for most of my life. How do you start again at my age? Do I want to be old and alone?

I'm sorry for not naming everyone but someone asked if there was any truth to his claims that he'd tried to address any issues. We did sometimes have discussions about our sex life, or lack of it, but I've had some gynaecological issues on and off for the last five years, and I thought he was on board with it all. When we could have sex, we did. He also said that I seemed to disapprove of him all the time and was never happy. I don't accept that. I've always tried to support his every move, and have always admired him for his work ethic.

He also said that I seemed to disapprove of him all the time and was never happy. I don't accept that. I've always tried to support his every move, and have always admired him for his work ethic

Rewriting the story again . He's looking for reasons - one of mine was that I didn't want to go out often enough - utter rubbish ! Old and alone ? What makes you think that ? I bet you are younger than me and after I split with my ex H I had an amazing fun affair for a year and am now happily married to the love of my life . I can barely recall the nearly 30 married years apart from the years of shit at the end of it .

Thanks @VivaMiltonKeynes. I'm happy that your story ended well. I'm 56 and no oil painting though! I wouldn't know where or how to start again. But that's jumping too far ahead anyway. I need to decide what to do. I'm exhausted with it all. I feel like my mind is switched on 24 hours a day, and this is all that's in it.

It seems like men assume their wives won't leave them and they see affairs as having little to no risk. If they really want the OW, then they leave and go off with her. If they just want some extracurricular fun, then that's okay too, because the chance of the wife leaving are slim, especially if the wife is financially dependent. The men have total control and they do what they want.

Then there's this: My neighbor of 50 years discovered her husband cheated about 35 years ago. She didn't leave him, of course, because she had no intention of getting a paid job and there were 4 children, but she made him PAY for the rest of his life. Just tormented and tortured him. When he died a few years ago, the ladies of the neighborhood held a celebration party, happy that he was finally dead.

Really, I think it's better to just part ways. What a waste of life energy for both parties.