To tell the truth even though it might kill him?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

DH has been struggling with major mental health issues for several years. I have been doing all I can to support him. Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’. He tried to kill himself when I found out. He knows I am hurt, but I have been hiding the full extent of it because I’m afraid if I tell him how I really feel the guilt will tip him over the edge.He is about to begin major therapy and medical intervention to try to address his personal issues.
Do I keep pretending I’m ok, carry on supporting him as best I can, and deal with the damage to our relationship when he’s in a more stable place? Or do I let it all out now and force him to deal with it, even though it’s the worst possible time?
We have young children. I’m financially dependent on him. The suicidal feelings are very real and not empty threats. This could genuinely end him. But I am in so much pain too.

[LauraBassi]

@Aquamarine1029

Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’.

What a bunch of manipulative, gaslighting horseshit. If you need to end your marriage, do it.

Yup.

[Elfieishere]

He’s not to depressed that he couldn’t fuck someone else.

Leave him, it’s his own fault. Sly vile man then putting suicide on you

[dreaming174]

I really think you should see your own personal, professional counsellor. This is a very heavy burden to carry and you nerd the chance to offload too.

[D4rwin]

He seems to be holding you hostage. With his manipulative cheating whinge that it's because he wants to destroy things and threatening self harm. Honestly, you need to get free of this man. You suggest you're dependent on him but really, would you be? You've got to work out a way to be free of this man. Look for another solution. He's never going to be the man you married as he now has an ace card to fuck around and say it's his illness. The example that then sets to your children is going to be poor.

[TheABC]

I am glad to hear he is getting help - it sounds like you need to, as well.
I would look into separately counselling for yourself as a first step. The second step is to build some emotional resilience by finding activities and friends outside of your marriage, so your identity is not completely bound up within it and you have outlets that are not dependent on him. Thirdly, I would look seriously into work and building some financial independence. If the worst should happen, you would still be able to support your family and it also gives you a full choice; if you stay, it's because you want to stay and not because you are trapped.

[RivkaMumsnet]

Hi there OP, we'll move this over to Relationships for you now.

[MumOfPsuedoAdult]

OP I was where you are 18 years ago. I knew I had to leave but I also knew (for the sake of my son and their future relationship) that I needed to consider the mental health of his father, and time the departure right.
There are lots of people jumping to judgement about your DH's behaviour which shows a complete misunderstanding about mental illness. You may or may not get any information from his mental health team, they have to respect his privacy, but what I would do (which is what helped me make the right decision) is go get some advice and support for yourself in managing the situation, especially considering that there are children involved.

[NiceandCalm]

@etsleepingbabieslie - get real, get really real. Stop hiding. Shock horror, how would your lives differ if he wasn't there! Come on everyone, lets just say it as it is! If he wants to end his life, he will. Now or whenever. You can not live your live like that, please!

[GloGirl]

I dont see the point of lying to him he must be aware how major of a problem it is.

I agree addressing how to heal as a family is something you could ask his mental health team. I appreciate at the moment it really is live or die.

If in any way you can swallow in the emotion, but let out the truth that's what I'd do. Eg you can tell him how hurtful it was, and how it broke your heart but more than you would want to try not to cry, dont emotionally guilt trip, raise it at inappropriate moments etc

But should you lie and say its all ok and you love him more than ever? I wouldnt

[MumOfPsuedoAdult]

[quote NiceandCalm]@etsleepingbabieslie - get real, get really real. Stop hiding. Shock horror, how would your lives differ if he wasn't there! Come on everyone, lets just say it as it is! If he wants to end his life, he will. Now or whenever. You can not live your live like that, please![/quote]
@NiceandCalm "how would your lives differ if he wasn't there"...you do realise that you're talking about her children's father??

[randomer]

Get your own ,outside professional help ie therapy. I'm sorry but most human beings attempt to protect their young, not have sex with someone else and claim to be suicidal.

[Wide]

Torn on this one, I can't stand cheating and what a fucking excuse aswel as making you feel trapped, if he wasn't suicidal I'd go right away but just as you say there is that chance he may kill himself you will be the one that has to live with it, im not saying it's your fault because its his choice but you dont want to have that burden and doubt hanging over you forever and looking at your children feeling that niggling guilt of what if, dont even do it for him do it for the children and then when you can go then leave

[HTH1]

No, he has to take responsibility for what he did and you do not have to bury your feelings. How he reacts is, again, his responsibility and any consequences are entirely his fault and not yours

[NiceandCalm]

Get out. I was your dp. Get out now.

[Ginandplatonic]

Oh OP what an awful situation for you. There is huge amount of misunderstanding of MH on this thread, so just take the answers that work for you and ignore the rest.

For myself, I agree with the posters who suggest you don’t rush into anything - take a bit of time to work out what you want, think about what you could do towards becoming more financially independent (if you are in a space to do that), and perhaps think about some counselling for yourself. Because as you say, your husband’s MH team will be constrained by both privacy issues, and the fact that their primary duty of care is to him. It might be good to have a professional who is focussed on YOUR needs.

This might help make you feel you have a bit more control over the situation, and down the line you will be able to make a decision about the future of your marriage from a position of strength, not powerlessness.

[NiceandCalm]

You have young children. Listen to yourself, please!!!!

[SoulofanAggron]

I wouldn't believe his he 'shagged someone else out of a desire to self destruct' thing. That's the sort of b.s. men say to try and get you to stay with them.

How did you find out?

Please separate from him- wait till he's over the hump a bit if possible and has professional support in place, but eventually separate from him, don't stay with him.

Your feelings are just as important as his.

Most cheaters when caught don't threaten or attempt suicide.

@LemonBar It's not unknown, suicide threats etc are one of the tactics men use to get away with it and manipulate their partners.

But there is a direct link between his behaviour now and the background, over which he had no control at all

@letsleepingbabieslie Lots of people have trauma or whatever and they don't cheat.

Are you receiving much treatment for your mental health? You could use this time to try and improve it, let your GP/consultant know how you're feeling etc. I bet your mental health would be a lot better away from your husband- you will have far less pressure on you.

I appreciate all the responses here, but some of you are way off the mark. I don't want to give full details here of the background so can't blame you for getting the wrong end of the stick. But maybe give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes?!

We know the tactics these blokes use and blaming some sort of mental illness, and suicide bids etc are out of the book.

Don't get me wrong, I have bipolar and hypomania can genuinely make people sexually disinhibited, at one point I was flashing my tits in the street in the middle of the day, and I wasn't drunk or anything.

But that's not what he claims to have been suffering from, and not what he's done.

[shehadsomuchpotential]

I can understand your caution OP when you are genuinely fearful of him taking his life and the huge fallout from that. I think others have given good advice on focussing on yourself and your children. Its a drop in the ocean, but just a thought, rather than swallow how you feel could you write him letters or emails. You may choose to never send them, or wait until he is strong enough to process it, or you might even send them to give you closure if you do end up splitting some
Time down the line. It might help you deal with the galling unfairness of it not being the right time to share. And gives you somewhere to put your emotions and vent. You could even tell him you are doing it.

[Homebird8]

There are good points made both for supporting him and for removing yourself and your DC from the outcomes of his behaviour.

My DH has complex mental health problems that in some people in the same situation cause behaviours like you describe. He accepts though that he in change of all his decisions, good and bad and accepts responsibility for controlling himself and for engaging with treatment wholeheartedly. None of it is made out to be my fault and I am not made responsible for his decisions.

I think you need to separate your DH’s mental health needs from his behaviours as they impact on you and the DCs. He needs to take responsibility for himself, and you for the choices you make for yourself and the children. Neither of those decide the ‘should you stay or should you go’ question. Seek support for yourself in working that one through and decide whether you can tell him you will be at his side as he works with the situation he finds himself in, or whether you and the children would be better off and safer to find a way to split from him.

[Quietheart]

@letsleepingbabieslie in my situation the MH team made me part of the care plan and that included my input and experience, I can ring them, they ring me, I can discuss his symptoms and treatment, they listen and value my involvement.

He needed to give permission, but if he wants to get well then it’s not only about him.

[lakesidewinter]

OP all of your responses are centered around him.
You need to value yourself more because your DH isn't able to and is actively damaging you with his behavior.

I would make sure I had counseling and sort out a job for myself ASAP so that I had options going forward.

Currently in a situation of financial dependency and subject to emotional blackmail you don't have a lot of options.

I would talk to his MH team but remember they are only there for him, not you or the dc.

Longer term staying in this situation if it doesn't rapidly and significantly improve will damage your dc.

[calllaaalllaaammma]

This could drag in for years if you allow it.

You worry about money but he would pay maintenance for the children-suicide is unlikely in the long run.

Do you have family who you could stay with for a while?

[Didkdt]

I get that you think with your mental health you won't be able to cope alone but will you be able to cope with this long term?

[HappyDays10101]

Seems wrong to leave him hen he’s ill, but then leaving him when he’s well again wouldn’t any better - cos what if you cause him to have a relapse. Given that there is no ‘best’ answer - and your actions can’t keep him alive - then your only course of action is to do what’s best for you.

I would leave, but that’s me.

[BlackWaveComing]

You need your own mental health support. Can you find/fund counselling for yourself?

I think.its important you have someone you can be honest with about your feelings. Having a therapist will give you time to work out how best to handle the situation with your husband. It's a recipe for disaster.if you continue to repress your own feelings for the sake of his. Even having an hour a week to be honest will help you.