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Original poster

Partners ex phoning on his birthday evening

37 replies

bagpuss90 · 21/11/2020 11:37

Long back story here - my parter lived with this woman they split up but stayed friends with benefits for years. A couple of years ago he was in her part of the world on business and planned to stay at hers . I wasn’t happy with this -I thought they’d end up in bed. He dumped he over it- but actually ended up not going there. We got back together -only split for a cpl of weeks. Fast forward to his birthday last week . I’d tried to make it the best birthday possible under the circumstances. We had a lovely day. I left his around 7 .Then I find out later in the week that the ex phoned him during the evening and he spent the rest of the nite on the phone to her. I can’t believe she rang. I’d never call an ex on their birthday evening if they were in a relationship -I wouldn’t want to rock the boat and possibly upset the new parter. As usual he’s saying it’s me -I’m unreasonable and so on.

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 21/11/2020 11:47

It felt like a slap in the face

OP posts:
sunnydays78 · 21/11/2020 11:54

I think he’s showing you no respect at all. I’m not sure I’d be hanging around to be honest

Scaryprospects · 21/11/2020 12:00

I’d spend less time blaming her and more soul searching on why he is doing it

ShalomToYouJackie · 21/11/2020 12:03

I'd be more upset about his behaviour than hers. He dumped you because you didn't want him staying at an ex's. So he was single whilst over there and then got back with you again. And now he's spending hours on the phone to her. Where is his respect for you?! Why are you putting up with this?

Heyahun · 21/11/2020 12:13

Meh I’m best friends with one of my ex’s - go out with him alone all the time even though I’m married to someone else! We text all the time and would probably call on birthdays? So I don’t think this is that strange tbh.
My husband stays at his exes regularly (they have a child together though and live in in a different country so he needs to stay when he visits his child)
But if you can’t cope with it then Id say the relationship isn’t for you.

Newwayofthinking · 21/11/2020 12:16

How long have you been together?

He isn't showing much respect to you

Blahblahblah12345 · 21/11/2020 12:18

@Heyahun i think the other person is more upset with he partners reactions to it. Sure she is upset about the ex but then it's made worse by the reactions. If your partner said they didn't want you staying at your ex's house would you dump them over it?

@bagpuss90 honestly he isn't respecting your opinions or feelings at all. Him trying to turn it around on you is immature, and him trying to get out of it by turning it around on you. How do you know he didn't stay at hers?

Heyahun · 21/11/2020 12:21

If my partner told me I wasn’t to stay at my exes or see him anymore I’d be pretty pissed of about it tbh ! It’s controlling and is essentially saying he doesn’t trust me?

The op is saying she didn’t want him to stay there as she thought they’d end up in bed - which is saying she doesn’t trust him! So I’m not actually surprised he dumped her for that accusation tbh

This relationship won’t work for the op as she can’t handle his friendship with this woman.

VettiyaIruken · 21/11/2020 12:21

He doesn't have to cut her out of his life if he doesn't want to. He clearly doesn't want to. It also sounds like he doesn't much care how you feel about it. He's been perfectly clear that he doesn't intend to stop being friends with his ex.

If that is not going to work for you then walk away. Save yourself a lot of upset. Flowers

JurassicParkAha · 21/11/2020 12:24

He has shown no respect for you. There is a difference in staying in touch with an ex a FRIENDS, vs staying in touch as FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who openly disrespects you by wanting to stay over, and spend all night chatting with a woman he was shagging in a relationship, then carried on shagging after the relationship. This has nothing to do with her behaviour. It's his. And you should want a partner who cares about your feelings, and doesn't dump you over it or make you seem unreasonable.

Please get rid of him. You self esteem will be on the floor by the time he's done with you. Are you planning on spending the rest of your life with him feeling insecure and anxious because you know he doesn't give a toss about how YOU feel?

JurassicParkAha · 21/11/2020 12:28

Also an posters here making you feel like you're being unreasonable - this woman isn't an ex. She's an ex fuck buddy - which means sex has always been on the table. There is no 'friendship' here - if there was, they would have just stayed friends when things ended. Without benefits.

And anyone who would be ok with their partner staying over with a fuck buddy/friend with benefits needs their head examined.

Phoenix21 · 21/11/2020 12:30

Your problem is him, he didn’t have to pick up the phone, he didn’t have to spend hours on it.

He made those choices, you don’t like it so it’s up to you whether you stay in the relationship or not.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/11/2020 12:32

How did you find out they were on tye phone for hours?

How do you know he didn't stay at hers? Did he tell you that?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/11/2020 12:33

I'd bin him off regardless though - I think he sees you as "good enough for now" rather than a long term prospect. He wouldn't have split over the visit issue if he really wanted you to see him as long term material.

PullTheBricksDown · 21/11/2020 12:37

He's more keen to keep her on side than he is to keep you on side. Not a good look out.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 21/11/2020 13:47

He describes it as a bohemian relationship

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 21/11/2020 13:53

Dump.

YoniAndGuy · 21/11/2020 13:53

@bagpuss90

He describes it as a bohemian relationship
Double dump on account of him also being a complete bellend
lunar1 · 21/11/2020 14:00

@bagpuss90

He describes it as a bohemian relationship

I'd have to break it off for this comment alone.

Viviennemary · 21/11/2020 14:04

If you're not happy then it isn't ok for you. I wouldn't like it either. All this bestie pals with exes. Hmm

Crystal87 · 21/11/2020 14:07

Yanbu, this isn't right. The fact he stayed on the phone to her so long shows a complete lack of respect for you. I don't think I would even be ok with the fact that he is still in contact with her at all.

DK123 · 21/11/2020 14:08

I'd run a mile and I completely disagree with pps saying yabu. You're not at all. This guy is a twat and his relationship with this woman sounds really suspicious

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 21/11/2020 14:09

My self esteem is on the floor. There’s been stuff with other exes too. i think he gaslights me

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 21/11/2020 15:05

Bohemian relationship?

Bin the pretentious twat.

Bottom line is he makes you feel sad and uncared for. This isn't the right relationship for you.

TicTacTwo · 21/11/2020 15:08

It's not the exes that are the problem.

I suspect that they speak to each other every birthday and he loves the ego boost of having a FWB on the back burner. He's more interesting in keeping her happy than you.