How do you stop the pain

[Smoothyloopy]

OH of 27 years moved out at the beginning of October. He feels we have grown apart & while ill admit we were in a bit of a rut, I'm sure this happens in all long term relationships, i never thought for one minute it was this bad. We have DD4 & DS11 who are heart broken.

He hit 50 this year so I'm not sure if he's had some sort of mid life crisis but honestly he's the last person I would have expected to do this. I thought we were so strong as a couple. Everyone who knows us is so shocked.

He agreed to relate sessions in August but instead of working to see where we could work on things spent the time saying he didn't know whether to stay or go which ment the councilor couldn't help us.

He's signed over his half of the house & pays above the minimum amount for the kids, I think because he feels guilty.

I am absolutely broken, he is the love of my life I can't see a way forward without him & honestly without the kids to keep me going I would be in a very dark place.

I desperately hope he'll come back but I know he won't. He gets to play Dad 2 evenings & a day a week then the rest of the time is his own. Meanwhile I'm struggling to get through each day & look after 2 very sad children.

I think the first few weeks I've been in shock but last week it was like I'd been hit by a wall of pain & it just gets worse every day, I just don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry. Must be very disorientating. You will get through it for your kids and be proud of yourself though.

I just keep going over what I could have done to stop this. Every arguement, everytime I just rolled over in bed & read my book instead of cuddling up, every time I was unreasonable.

I think over the last few years life has just got in the way a bit but I want to get things back on track & he doesn't. I just don't understand d how he can just walk away.

I'm so sorry you are in such pain.

I understand your focusing on what you did, but his decision is not down to one thing you did or did not do. No one walks away from his family over one small thing. It is likely he felt disconnected for some time, whereas this has all came as a bolt out of the blue for you.

Do you think you could consider counselling to help work through your feelings and emotions?

I don't know it doesn't feel like anything will help at the moment. Hes been my rock for so long. He's the one I've always talked to & now I feel lower than I've ever been in my whole life & not only can I not turn to him but he's the cause.

Of course it feels that way. Your world has been turned upside down, but he has made his decision. It's going to take time for that to sink in and for you to move towards acceptance, as painful as that will be.

Your life as you know it is over, but your life is not over. Do you have many friends in real life you could talk to? Preferably some that have gone through a separation?

Many of us have weathered the painful storm of heartbreak and come out the other side. Don't underestimate your ability to cope x

I'd recommend that you write down every, tiny little thing that annoyed you about him. Make a good long list. I've been divorced and there are times when it's easy to look at a relationship through rose tinted spectacles.

You need to take them off and focus on distancing yourself from him. Focus on the negatives of your relationship rather than the positives. Think about every time he was unreasonable, not you. For example, you were prepared to try and fix the problems - but the wanker spent time/effort/money in Relate murmuring about himself! And what he wanted to do - rather than actively participating in trying to save a marriage he'd committed to and had children in.

I’m sorry, its so painful isnt it, I remember it well. You feel like the rug is pulled from beneath you and you’ve lost your partner and best friend in an instant. You just have to focus on each day, focus on doing nice things with the children. Make sure he does his fair share of childcare so you get time to yourself. Perhaps have some counselling. When my DH dumped me I didnt think I would get over it. I was wrong. Be kind to yourself.

Get some legal advice to protect yourself financially.

My sister is on the way over & she's divorced. Her husband was a complete dick though & she's much better off without him.

Its just a really bad evening & without the kids here tonight I've got nothing to distract me.

If I'm really honest for some time I've felt like its been me & the kids together & him slightly seperate. But as I said I thought it was just a bit of a rut. All long term relationships go through ups & downs.

So sorry as @Lozzerbmc said make sure he does his fair share of child care and things like helping with homework/shopping for clothes/shoes etc - not just the fun stuff! You’re stronger than you think and I’m sure there is a brighter future for you all even though you can’t see it right now. Stay strong!

I'm not too worried financially, I have a secure job & could support myself & the kids without anything from him, although we'd need to tighten our belts a bit. The house transfer is going through so that's in hand. We're not married so don't have to look at divorce costs & I've never been financially dependant on him always 50/50.

Apparently he's spoken to a councilor & we need to talk about boundaries. I think that's because the kids are hoping he'll come back.

Its the practical things aswell he helps my son with his fish & my daughter with her geko. He needs to understand his responsibilities arn't limited to the days they are with him & they don't stop when they are at home.

He's also an electrician & when the boiler broke last week I asked him to fix it, which he did. But I feel like he was doing me a favour but again I think he has a responsibility to us to do that. I know he's given me his share of the house but its still his childrens home.

I feel a bit better having spoken to my sister but it still feels pretty bleak at the moment.

Firstly I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do not for one minute underestimate yourself. This pain will eventually pass I promise you.

This is not in anyway your fault. This hasn't happened because of anything you did or didn't do. Its called a break up because its broken.

The fact is this man has taken a long good look at the amazing wonderful you and your beautiful children and all the years you have spent together and decided to just walked away. Without even trying or wanting to try to work things out. He has just given up. How could he do this. The cheek!!

Its so easy to look back at a relationship with rose tinted glasses and remember/miss all the good times. Try to remind yourself of the bad times and the not so good things about him and how he acted and made you feel. I am sure you will have many.

Dont be afraid to lean on your friends and family during this time. They will be a big help. Especially anyone who's been through a separation or divorce. I am sure will be very willing to come to your help and have lots of advice.

Try to fill your evenings without the children with things you used to love to do but never had time to do before... take up a hobby you have always been interested in, join an evening class or social club, join the gym or sports team, Get out running, Get a spa treatment, meet with friends or even just a nice night in for yourself on the sofa with a glass of wine and some trash TV.

Good Luck! You've got this!

I've referd myself on the NHS talking therapies site so hopefully I can find some help there. I just never thought I could feel so low & I never in a million years thought he would do this. I'm worried how im feeling is impacting on the kids & they're my priority at the moment.

You have to accept that he's in a totally different place to you emotionally.
Often men are very clinical and cold. He's made the decision and that's it. The end. It's over.

All the emotional wrangling that you are now doing, at high speed, he's already done, many months ago, at his own speed.

Men are often cold, once the door has closed and bolted, that's it. Like an off switch.

You will need to come to terms with this, and quickly.

I agree that he’s gone cold so there is no hope of getting back together. Discount that as an option for your own sanity. It’s just a matter of riding out the pain because time heals. Try and get your head into other things when you find yourself thinking about the situation, read books, watch a good tv series, take up a new craft hobby, write a book etc. Be kind to yourself OP and look after yourself. Perhaps start a diary to offload all your worries and clear your mind a bit. So sorry that you’re going through this

I know but its so hard

I can imagine it is incredibly hard after all this time but you can get through it. Take it one day at a time

@Smoothyloopy

I just keep going over what I could have done to stop this. Every arguement, everytime I just rolled over in bed & read my book instead of cuddling up, every time I was unreasonable.

I think over the last few years life has just got in the way a bit but I want to get things back on track & he doesn't. I just don't understand d how he can just walk away.

Has the lockdown accelerated it, or has it been more years in the making? It's left a lot of people feeling trapped.

It was in lockdown I started to realise there was an issue but he says it has nothing to do with it & he's felt like this for a while. A good friend of his died of cancer last summer i wondered if that was a trigger but he says not. He's not the most communicative about feelings.

You will burn yourself out trying to find the cause of your partner going. There will be no answer to your questions of why he has left as it has been a long time coming in his mind. You mentioned that for a while it was you and the children and him on the outside. That may have grown a resentment in him slowly over time and felt slowly pushed away and unimportant in the family dynamic. It happens. To be honest you now have to just accept he has gone, he is unlikely to return and however hard it is and painful it is you have to survived and flourish for your children sake. You have to fake it before you make it. It is really, really hard and will take a lot of work over the years to steady yourself and build a new life. You seem to have relied on him as your best friend and partner for all these years. Did you continue nurturing a friendship group too? Its now you need them with all their comfort and might to get you through these dark days. You will heal and get better, I promise.

I'm so sorry op

The pain, it's unbearable... but it will ease.
Only time will ease that pain.

On bad days, let it out
On slightly better days do what you can.

Go at your own pace.
The samaritans can help for some.

I hope you get stronger
Be very kind to yourself.

Hand hold

Thanks everyone, I know it will get easier but at the moment just getting through each day is a struggle. Its good to here from others who have been there. I'm dreading christmas, the kids want their dad to stay for the day, which we've both agreed is a bad idea. Its a such a mess really.

Just go day by day. You are grieving. And there is no quick fix.

You need to separate yourself from him. And I know how sad that feels. He isn't your go to anymore. This broke my heart as my ex was my rock too. And was the practical one.

Gather good support around. Family and friends will listen and give you a safe place to vent. It makes no sense to you. And you need to come to terms with that. As other have said. He has been checking out emotionally for a while now. So he isn't in the same place as you.

Boundaries are a good thing. The children need a routine. However that looks. And this will give you space for yourself. To grieve and to adjust and to build anew life of your own. ( I know you don't want too).

Counselling is a good idea. But don't be afraid to ask your GP for support. Anti depressants saved me. And helped me cope with the changing situation.

I'm three years on and I'm still sad about the whole thing. But it is what it is. Ex doesn't pay child support. And hardly sees the children. So this hasn't helped me move on and meet new people or get a life of my own. But I'm content. The children are happy and we are doing ok as a unit.

Move things around at home. New bedding. Flowers etc. Anything to make it look different. Pack his stuff up. So you don't have the reminders everywhere. And keep a journal the emotions need to come out.

I know this is so very hard. But how does Christmas look to you. The last Christmas I had with ex was awful. He left a few months before. But we were putting on a front for the children. I hated every minute of it. Would it suit you if he came in the morning. You did presents and breakfast. Then he goes. And you have time with your family? My first Christmas completely alone my sister and her family came to stay. Which I was so great full for. I'm now on my third Christmas and this year I'm ok about it. It takes time.

Be kind to yourself. Remember to eat. And lean on people not ex. He isn't part of your support network now. You know this will pass. But right now it feels impossible.

I’ve read your story and mine is so similar. It’s so hard. Him going to Relate with you for a few sessions probably gave you false hope. I’ve also been to some very dark places with my thoughts. I’ve rung Samaritans a couple of times and it helped calm me down. Remember they are also there even if you’re just feeling miserable too, not just suicidal thoughts.

The boundaries thing is interesting. In my case DH is still coming to the house but I think we need to work towards the children seeing him somewhere else.

It’s probably difficult emotionally that he signed over the house because it seems so final. However, in the long term it’s a good financial result for you. It’s something you’ve gained permanently and he’s lost, especially if he tries to reduce child maintenance down the line. Good that you have your own job too. Cold comfort now obviously.

I have my own thread which is somewhere on the second page at the moment! But it seems many people have been where we are and they have recovered.

unicorn yes we're thinking about him coming round in the morning for brunch & present opening. The kids were hoping for us to all do lunch together but thats not a good idea obviously. Its so hard on them to understand.

We had a chat about the boundaries yesterday & I couldn't disagree with anything he said. But i also said his responsibility to the kids isn't limited to outside their home & that he needs to continue taking an active part in the hobbies he has always shared with them. If necessary I can take the dogs out while he helps change the fish water etc.

clueless its so hard isn't it, ill look through your thread. I'm normally the most positive person but I've had some very dark thoughts lately, its only the kids keeping me going.

Its so difficult to understand how he can just chuck away everything we have without at least trying to fight for it. All longterm relationships require work & go through ups & downs, it just seems like the first time ours needed some additional effort it was too much for him & off he went.