Stbxh wants to start having sleepovers

[Angelfish2021]

Stbxh keeps suggesting we have sleepovers at each others houses so the kids have that family all under one roof for the night thing.
I feel like it will feel fake and also can't stand the thought of it.
Now kids keep asking me as I think he's either mentioning it to them. I heard my DD ask him the other day 'can mummy come for a sleepover to yours?' and he replied 'ask mummy if she wants to' which I feel is putting it all on me.
I can't see how this would benefit them at all, more confuse them and make uncertainty and hope that we would move back in together or something (which is never happening)
So I'm seen as the bad guy to not be up for this idea now, how to explain to young kids though?

Just keep saying no.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Don't do it.
Right, my parents split up when I was 24, and still insist on doing things like Christmas and birthdays together to keep my brother and I happy. We're adults, we don't want it, and it makes everything awkward.
Your kids will most likely pick up on this too, so make a clean break straight away and create a new normal with separate households that you can both be happy with.

You are all right here thanks, needed that validation there.
He ranted at me on the phone yesterday and said it was my choice and down to me that we are not all living together now so it was like I owe him to do this.
I can't stand him!!

He's a recovering addict and is still battling with dealing with emotions etc which means there's no reasoning with him at times and he seems to manage to suck me in to feeling sorry for him and like I owe him a break!!

I'm not surprised!
Stick to your guns. It's a form of manipulation, he's trying to keep you close. It's not really about the kids at all.

Even more so after reading your next post.
You both need some space and seperation.

Ah so he wants to make sure you’re not having a sleepover elsewhere when he has the kids..

Control. What a prick

@Angelfish2021

I am seeing someone (though exdh doesn't know) Can't imagine telling him I'm staying the night with my ex, so weird!!

Have the kids got any idea of this?

Has he been quizzing them?

No, nip that in the bud. My abusive ex tried that and trust me doesn't work.
Being divorced means you live separate lives now.

@MzHz no they have no idea, I only see him when they are with their Dad and will be keeping it that was for a good while

Good advice from lots of pp.

Also, don't talk to him on the phone. It's too easy to start doubting yourself, feeling sorry for him etc. Get off the phone asap when he calls. "Sorry, got to go, I'm in a hurry. Email me and I'll get back to you."

That way, you get to control when you read his messages. You also have time to think it through, ask for advice from others if necessary, not have to react immediately.

Take back control. This is one of the best things about the early days of separation!

I would take him at his word that he just loves the idea of having a sleepover and reply to the kids with something like:

"Mummy doesn't want to sleepover at Daddy's. And anyway wouldn't it be more fun to invite your friends if Daddy is having a sleepover? You see Mummy all the time"

Puts the ball back into his court.......

I think you can say to the kids "I don't want to have a sleep over at daddy's thank you. That's Daddy's time to spend with you." And definitely to him "it's not happening, stop asking, and stop dragging the kids into this."

You don't owe him any more of your time than it takes to make sure you're keeping the kids best interests addressed. And it's not in their interests to be confused about the boundaries of your relationship with your ex.

He may be a recovering addict, but recovery means him taking responsibility for his choices and actions. He's not doing that currently, so I would be steering well clear.

The fact he made a point of saying obviously you wouldn't be intimate would concern me. I think you would be vulnerable. It's good you're saying no.

Get off the phone asap when he calls. "Sorry, got to go, I'm in a hurry. Email me and I'll get back to you."

Obviously he'll ask where you're going and you reply, "Email me, ok? Bye!"

Added bonus, it will wind him up not knowing what you're doing. But seriously, it does get the message across that your life is separate to him now and you'll ignore his attempts to get involved.

He suspects and is trying to find out and control you.

No wonder he’s an ex!

You're well shut of that dick. What a pity you can't brand blokes like that, with some kind of warning.

I think you further with the DC and say when parents divorce they live separately and don't have sleep overs and you don't understand why Daddy keeps suggesting it, it's his time with just them.

Ewwwww

Detach detach detach and stop feeling sorry for him, start being angry that he is using the children. In fact I would tell him that he is being unkind and unfair to the DC and it needs to stop.

Say no and then grey rock.
If he rants at you, hang up on him.
You are not his emotional punch bag.

You actually owe it to your children to model saying no politely but firmly. In the future they will need that skill.

You don’t owe your ex anything.

I got embroiled in something like this with my ex many years ago and made the biggest mistake of my life by agreeing to something similar. At the time I had been split up for 18m and was seeing someone who was such a lovely man and who I was very very happy with. My error of judgement by allowing this led to me being dumped by the new man and I have regretted it for 20 years as I had never been loved by anyone as much as he loved me. I really hurt him and suffered the consequences. Don’t let him do this. It’s controlling behaviour.

Been here!! My STBEXH kept asking the same those first few months after he moved out. Part of it I think was loneliness (lockdown number 1) and some was blatantly for a shag 😂. He has after here the night before youngest's birthday (I have a garden office so he stayed there) and will stay over Xmas Eve too. But I'm not looking forward to it and it will be awkward as hell but it's for the kids...

My exh stays over the night before DCs birthdays, and Christmas Eve. He's tried it on with me every damn time, because I'm still single so 'fair game'
Him being in a relationship doesn't seem to matter. No surprise there though tbh.

@Krampusnacht omg men ! He's not the only one my ex would drop the kids off invite himself in , when they had gone to bed he would try it on with me and guess where his new gf lived ? Right next door !

@pumpkinpie01 yup he still does that too. Now he's suggesting we 'make sleepovers a regular thing' because if I'm ok with it at birthdays and Christmas then what's the problem?

But then I left him (abusive twat), and he's one of these who thinks the relationship isn't over if he didn't end it sooo., he's a barrel of fun