Need advice on sex after having a child please...

[Shortblondemum]

I know this is a private topic but I desperately need advice please. I’ve been to my GP who set me on a 6 week therapy course that didn’t address my worries and problem and caused more damage to my self esteem!
I had my gorgeous boy almost 18 months ago. My libido left on extended vacation when I got pregnant and I’m afraid it may have decided to emigrate permanently. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and we communicate and have talked about this at length but he is frustrated (to be understood) and has stopped talking about it now. I am just not interested and the one time we tried I hated it. I felt like I was doing it through gritted teeth. It’s not a problem with my husband, I’m not interested in any sexual activity. I don’t even like kissing. I’ve read a lot but this doesn’t seem to be a subject discussed at length and I have no idea if this is something that should have passed by now. I know hormones can make a mum concentrate on their baby but these must have dissipated by now!?
Can anyone give me some advice please? I don’t want to damage my marriage but I don’t want to have sex simply to make my husband happy and end up resenting him. Stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea....

Why don't you want to make your husband happy? Making your DP happy, in a general way, is fundamental to a relationship is it not? If one or both of you is not happy the relationship is not likely to endure.

Your husband sounds very understanding and sympathetic but imposing a sexless relationship on him is a big ask.

This sounds like a psychological reason and some kind of mental block.
I would go back to your GP and explain.

Why don't you want to make your husband happy? Making your DP happy, in a general way, is fundamental to a relationship is it not?

Presumably because sex is meant to be a mutuality enjoyable experience, not something someone does out of obligation or to make the other person happy?

I agree try your GP again. 18months is a long time but if you have no desire it’s tough also. To get back in the swing of things... have tried to make extra effort nice underwear and just aim for foreplay maybe?

have you had date nights with your DP? try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place and recreate that feeling. do a bit of flirting

You can't expect your husband to stay in a sexless marriage. Men shouldn't expect their wife to stay in a sexless marriage. Not having sex it's completely your choice, but it would be selfish to expect someone to stay in that scenario with you and just accept it. I do think you should speak to someone about it, not wanting sex at all for the foreseeable future isn't wrong but unusual. Sex is a natural need, try and find the root of the issue before you tell your husband because he will more than likely leave you.

Why don't you want to make your husband happy? Making your DP happy, in a general way, is fundamental to a relationship is it not?

Is your husband happy with sex that his partner is enduring not enjoying? How very sad if so. I assume you've just never had a good sex life as a couple so don't know what you're missing if you think that duty sex is a good substitute?

Anyway, to OP... Are you still breastfeeding? That makes a huge difference, hormonally. How is your DS's sleep? No one feels sexy if seriously sleep deprived. If neither of those apply then I do think it's worth going back to the GP but asking to see a different one, explaining that what was tried before didn't work.

Were you on hormonal contraception before having your DS, and are you now?

Sex is a natural need, try and find the root of the issue before you tell your husband because he will more than likely leave you.

Again, so sad that you've never been in a good relationship...

'No sex' date nights and non intimate touching. Take turns to do non sexual things that appeal to the other (head massage, foot massage, shower each other). If you had birth trauma that might need addressing.

Also zinc supplements rocket propelled my libido

@Hardbackwriter

Sex is a natural need, try and find the root of the issue before you tell your husband because he will more than likely leave you.

Again, so sad that you've never been in a good relationship...

What?

This happened to me after I had my children. I didn't get it back! 6 years later and I have sex with my poor husband mostly out of duty. I literally lost my desire for sex entirely. It's almost like my body thinks 'you've done your job!' I realise it's unfair on my husband so find it easier to give him pleasure in other ways that doesn't always involve me being touched too much. We have a good relationship in other ways. I just totally have no libido. It's strange. So I feel for you x

If you think that having an honest conversation with your husband about a lack of libido that you find upsetting but don't know to change would mean he 'will more than likely leave you' then I am absolutely confident that your relationship is not a good one

I'm another one. Libido left as soon as I got pregnant with my first. I still have sex with DH and feel glad after, but can't say I actually want it. My body would be happy without it. But I love him and don't want a sexless marraige as it's not fair on him. He wishes I would initiate it, but I genuinely don't think to. Did someone say zinc helped? I'll be trying it.

Op, are you still breastfeeding? What can you manage before your "nope" feeling kicks in? Holding hands? Hugs with no kissing? Do you want to address this or are you happy yourself?

My advice, assuming you want to move forwards, would be to find your boundary and start there. Talk to your dh and tell him you need to lead, that you need to know you can do these things and he won't push to another stage (e.g. stealing a kiss when you go for a hug). Get comfortable doing the things you are happy with then see if you can step up, maybe a hug and a quick cheek kiss, try and smile (creating happy associations in the mind). Speak to your GP again.

Most of all though, do not listen to people who berate you for not making your husband happy or accuse you of tieing him down to a sexless life fgs. Altering or losing libido is perfectly normal, particularly around pregnancy and young children. A lot of people need support and work to move past it. Don't feel bad (or let others make you feel bad) you are normal and you clearly care about your husbandand your relationship

@Hardbackwriter

If you think that having an honest conversation with your husband about a lack of libido that you find upsetting but don't know to change would mean he 'will more than likely leave you' then I am absolutely confident that your relationship is not a good one

I just meant before announcing to him that you never want to have sex again. And that's final. If my partner turned to me and said we are never going to have any sexual activity again not even kissing. I would be considering my options. If that makes my relationship and all my past ones 'not good' then fine I'll accept that as YOUR opinion. You clearly don't agree with mine and that's also fine.

Things that helped kick start my libido...

Coming off hormonal contraception (I think this was the biggest factor),
returning to work (I was a SAHM for a number of years due to DS1's additional needs), and reading erotic fiction (on my phone so no one would see and judge me for it!)

My sex drive went from 0 to 100 and I'm so relieved as I was also worried about imposing a sexless marriage on my DH (who was lovely about it and never complained or pressured me - this also helped lot!)

I don't think this is that uncommon (prepared to be corrected). I went through this after DC1 and many of my friends seem to have felt similarly.

Just not interested in sex and would prefer not to be touched in a sexual way. I had enough on my mind and my body felt like it was for my child, not my own and definitely not my husbands. My mind couldn't get in to a sexy place.

Honestly for me it lasted until I became broody for a DC2 (3+ years later!).
After DC2 was conceived, sex became a lot more of an obligation again. Not that I hated it or didn't like it, just that it wouldn't have been my ideal way to spend an hour.

Almost a year on now and it's manageable again and I'm on board with having sex but I'm rarely the one to initiate. Sometimes I wonder if it's my husband I'm not that sexually in to, rather than sex as a whole. Not sure yet.

Just my experience.

Go on date nights.
Do you have parents or in laws who can babysit. Start with holding hands, then massage. Maybe go on a massage course or some other physical activity (non sexual) together. Try to build up levels of adrenaline. Rock climbing etc.
This might do the trick and you'll end up back to business ;)
Or try going slowly, from first base one day to second base another. Fancy lingerie? Not sure about this as you don't want to feel awkward. Itd be better to be impromptu and impassioned. Adrenaline and peril and relying on his manliness ;) does it for me when I need libido boost.
Try weekend away?

I think it's difficult when you have young children who 'need' you all the time to then give yourself willingly to someone else. I found that when me and my d's dad separated 3 years ago, my libido wet through the roof. I don't know if it was some sort of 'freedom' from feeling like my ex was just another person who wanted something from me.

I am with a new partner now and sex is great but I will say that although my dc are now 12 and 14, if I am feeling like my cup is empty from being mum, I don't feel like I want to tear my partner's clothes off. I described it the other day as feeling like there isn't enough of me to go around, which might have been hurtful to my partner but was how I felt.

I can completley relate to this. I hate being touched, I feel like sex is an obligation so I rather some foreplay but I don't like it on me personally. I agree with @pinkdragons I to feel like I am no longer sexually attracted to my partner. I love him in my own way but idk hard to explain. I think I see us as mum and dad now and thats changed things and I love our child more than my partner. Glad to see it's a common issue. Will also be trying the zinc 🤞🤞

Thank you everyone for your responses! I confess that don’t feel so alone now so thank you.
It is not that I don’t want to make my DH happy, I do and I miss the intimacy we had before, but like several people have stated, I’m just not interested in sexual anything anymore. I’m sorry for all those women who have been so truly open on this thread and have said that their libidos have not returned, (if you miss it that is). I think 2020 has just been a truly “testing” year for all, which doesn’t help.
I confess that I was afraid of approaching my GP again after last time but I will try again. Physical Intimacy is hard when your whole body rejects it but your brain screams yes please....
My husband is patient and understanding and agrees that neither of us want the other to suffer our way through sex or sexual intimacy and I love him for this and so much more! But both of us deserve to be loved physically as well as emotionally, as does everyone who wants it.
Thank you again to everyone

I think this is pretty common tbh, and doesn't always mean you're destined for a sexless marriage for eternity!

When I had DS I went off sex for quite a while. It was at least 6 months until we attempted it - I felt my body had been violated a bit by pregnancy and birth so I just didn't really want anyone touching me! I also had a clingy baby and by the time baby was down for the night I was a bit 'touched out' and relished my own space! Anyway, it improved naturally - without forcing anything. DH was understanding. We began to have sex more often, but certainly less than pre-children and the pressure lessened. TMI but I found sex after kids felt a bit different so we use lube regularly now and that made it 100% better.

As a PP mentioned, going back to work and beginning to recarve a life for myself again helped massively - I felt more like myself, had more energy and together the combination leads to increased libido.

Now pregnant with #2 and I do worry about it happening all over again, but at least this time I'm comfortable that it's just a phase we go through and it's likely to pass! I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much - the worry adds to the pressure and obligation and that's not a turn on for anyone!

Are you breastfeeding or on any hormonal contraception? They both made a massive difference to me.

Just a thought - are you worried about getting pregnant again? I know for us it was a major fear factor and did prevent intimacy. Do you have a reliable contraception in place, that you are confident in. If not, it could well be at the back of your mind, that sex=baby and if you are worried about the latter, the former will feel totally wrong.