Serial cheating and sex pestery. Would you consider it abuse?

[Idontrustmyjudgementanymore]

Long term relationship, two children. The woman has complex PTSD due to a previous abusive relationship which included SA.

The man of the couple is obsessed with his penis and hounds his partner endlessly, creating a faux sense of obligation on her part as he makes clear his expectations.

If for whatever reason the sex slows down he looks elsewhere, cheats and has affairs. He doesn't use protection and puts the mother of his children at risk of STD's.

The woman doesn't feel strong enough to leave due to her PTSD.

Can you tell me whether or not you feel this meets the threshold to be considered abuse?

Of course it is.

Yes, it really really is.

hounds his partner endlessly
If this is true, then yes. Enthusiastic consent is important.

Coercive control? Threatening behavior, sex outside marriage. Emotional abuse.

I'm the woman in question if it wasn't clear. I'm not sure why I posted my OP the way I did. I think perhaps trying to remove myself from the picture and writing it as hypothetical would make the replies easier to stomach.

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

I have had a family member telling me he's wonderful because he provides for us and doesn't hit me like that abusive ex.

I have had a family member telling me he's wonderful because he provides for us and doesn't hit me like that abusive ex.

Your family member is wrong. You NEVER deserve abuse, of any degree. Please do what you can to keep safe - we're rooting for you. x

Yes it sounds abusive. Even it someone didn’t consider it abuse, surely no one would consider that a decent relationship to be in.

Sorry op. I hope you have someone close who can offer support. Your partner sounds awful.

Absolutely. What an awful way to live. My heart goes out to you OP. You are better than that, you deserve someone who cares about your feeling and just you generally. It’s not a healthy relationship for your DC to witness but I’m sure you know that anyway. I know it might seem hard especially given your past but we only get one life and yours could be so much better than this.

I have had a family member telling me he's wonderful because he provides for us and doesn't hit me like that abusive ex

Sadly, this long outdated notion still persists with some people.

I have sex I don't want, just to keep the peace.

He has never given me cause to think he would hit me, he's not violent in that way, but my head is that mushed from the amount of stress he has caused me I genuinely live in fear of it happening again.

My dad died last year, I got the news three days after I had my world turned upside down. The very same morning I had his then OW come to my house to rub salt into the wounds.

I still haven't been able to process any of it as I've been living on tenderhooks ever since.

I already had CPTSD from past trauma but he has made it so much worse.

If you are doubting your judgment right know please trust it.

*now sorry auto correct. Honestly though you may have been unlucky so far with your previous partner and your current one but it sounds like you could be far happier without him

Sorry if this is muddled. I felt as though I had to get it all out somewhere.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I have long since considered it to be abuse but other people singing his praises and saying how wonderful he is, in spite of everything he has done, ignited some serious cognitive dissonance.

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through and what you are going through now. It is abuse, this man is a vile excuse for a partner.

Please contact women’s aid, they will be able to advise you. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can.

You've gone from one abuser to another. This is very common. You need to leave, of course and The Freedom Programme available online would benefit you, as well as all the help you need for your CPTSD.

@Idontrustmyjudgementanymore

Sorry if this is muddled. I felt as though I had to get it all out somewhere.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I have long since considered it to be abuse but other people singing his praises and saying how wonderful he is, in spite of everything he has done, ignited some serious cognitive dissonance.

They don't live with him, and he isn't sexually abusing them, though.

Yes it's abuse
and the nice things he does.... these are 'decoys' to get you to trust him so that he can carry on abusing you
if you want to hurt and damage someone it's much easier if you can get them to trust you, that way they are almost defenseless and you can really get under their skin
There is a pathway out of this for you Ido

It’s very easy for people to sing the praises of someone when they only see what they choose to show. It’s completely different when you are living that life. If you are honest would those people be saying the same things if they knew everything and the boot was on the other foot?

Ironically I've already done the freedom program, so I'm disappointed in myself for ever becoming serious enough with this one that I've had children to him.

My first ex was hideously violent and so that is what I set the bar as, when considering what abuse is. Until now.

I will contact women's aid. I've had it in the back of my mind for a few months but due to not trusting my own judgment, I half expected to be told that whilst it's not a nice way to treat somebody "it's not abuse"

It is abuse, OP. No doubt about it and don't forget it.

I'm going to contact women's aid tomorrow. I wouldn't have done it had I not had my feelings validated here first, so thank you all x

You'll find this thread filling up with more and more posters telling you the same over the next few days.

Good luck with WA

Thank you, I will keep checking back here over the coming days x

Good luck OP x

It is abuse.
Abuse is something which causes you physical, mental or emotional harm.
I hope you find the strength to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. If you don't feel that you are able to at the moment, then please try to find someone to talk to about your situation. The Samaritans are very good. They listen without judgement.
If you feel that you can talk to someone and do so, it might help you to build up the mental strength to leave.
Good luck and take care.