Need some advice, help, understanding, anything at all

[OhGreat]

I have changed my name for this, not because of mn but dp...please don't out me.

I posted a couple of months back about dp betraying me & having a "habit" well it ended there, he either sorted himself out or we just could not go on.

Well he stopped, he done well i supported him 100% and helped him through, i suppose i also put my own life on hold because he did not want me to leave him & go out at all, by this i mean i used to go to myt friends every thursday in the evening for "my time" a break from the kids etc, anyway i stopped doing this so he was not alone, so i could help him through those dark few weeks.

Anyway i suppose just lately like past couple fo weeks i have given him alot more space, stopped the questioning, watching, money etc.

Today though i moved our bed as i was looking under the matress to see the make of it for my mum as she is buying a new matress & likes ours, anyway when moving the bed i noticed a five pund note rolled up behind the top end, straight away i was suspicious, i picked it up expected it & am sure there is tiny bits of white on it.

So now obviously i am going over the past week & i am suspicious BUT what do i do? he won't admit it i know he won't. What happens if it is innocent? & i go accusing him?

I just can not live like this, i HATE living like this, i just want a nomrmal family life, to be loved a team & not to live with a recovering addict

Dp was an addict 10 years ago we have only been together 6 years but we have 2 beautiful children & i know it will break there hearts to be away from there daddy, but honestly i just can't live like this.

I HATE having to watch, look for signs, sort everything, i honestly hate it, i HATE thinking he may be lieing to me, this is not the person i know.

I am sitting here crying my heart out thinking if he has done this again, that really is it but my heart will be broken no matter what.

I have phoned his dad & told him my suspician & he is going to phone him tonight & get the truth, he is not going to let on what i have found but is going to question him.

I feel so hurt, betrayed from the last time, i am still trying to get through that, what can i do? should i walk away? what about our children? oh god it is all so wrong.

I look at my life & think what did i do to deserve the crap i have had, i lost my dad when a child, i was in a violent relationship for 2 years when young, now this from him, the one person i put my everything to, i trusted him, i thought he was so write now look.

I am devastated

Any chance the note had been there a while? Also, is the addiction an all or nothing thing or is it a case of cutting down.

No experience of this but may not be as bad as you think?

No i am pretty certain it has been put there lately as i moved the bed & turned the matress over about 2 weeks ago, i would have seen it then.

He is an all or nothing, his addcition is a real addiction, he is one of these people that take this sort of thing to another level a proper addict.

I am hopeing it is not that bad but something deep down is telling me otherwise.

Hi, why does he use the same 5 pound note?
Sorry I'm asking questions when all you need right now is support but it will help me to understand.

Cheeset not sure what your asking? he does not use the same £5 note i found a £5 note behind the bed rolled up IYKWIM?

So you confront him and he either a) denies it or b) admitts it. If he denies it he now knows that you are suspicious, and will redouble his efforts to either be clean or to hide it from you. It's crap, it really is, but at the mo you are suspicious, and you will never rebuild your trust if you don't confront him. Sit him down, try not to jump the gun and beat him up about it, if he's trying, he should try harder and longer. If he's not....

OhGreat, such a difficult one isn't it because you feel so let down and by the sounds of it this has happened a lot to you in the past.

What comes through in your post is how hard your life has been and how hard you try and in particular the support you have given him.

The 5 pound note might be an old one, say from a pocket of a jacket or dislodged when you turned the mattress over. Do you think you owe him the benefit of the doubt?

You have supported him and you cannot do anymore on this one, he's on his own now IMO as he is an adult and has choices to make.

I personally wouldn't walk away until I had definate proof he's at it again, is he using coke?

Thanks cheeset, i am going to give him the benefit of the doubt i owe that to my children if anything, i need him to own up & i am pretty sure if pushed & he has done this i can make him, i think.

He was using coke but, stopped like i said when i came to a head & i found out because of lots of money oweing, if he has gone back then it can only be the last week, i have been a bit suspicious this week though if i am honest.

I don't know what to do, i don't want to live my life like this but what the hell do you do in a situation like this with 2 young children!

Do you mind me asking a few background questions?

Did he use coke socially when out with friends?

In the past, did he move onto stronger drugs?

Does he smoke cannabis?

Just trying to understand...

it's going to be doubly hard for you now, you've been suspicious for a few days - are you ever going to b able to trust him? Properly? Maybe a shock like this is enough to jolt him, maybe not. Maybe YOU need someone a bit better? Ask him that.

Do you mind me asking a few background questions?

No not at all.

Did he use coke socially when out with friends?

No he used it on his own, he was doing it whilst at work, he has however changed jobs now & i think this was not be possible.

In the past, did he move onto stronger drugs?

Yes he was a heroin addict & went to rehab, this was 10 years ago.

Does he smoke cannabis?
No he does not smoke cannabis.

OhGreat, I get the feeling we're not really helping. Sorry. Moan at us if you like.

Oh no anything is a help, i just need to get it all off my mind, i don't want to tell people in real life or speak about it this time in case i am not right.

The only person i have spoken to is FIL & that is because i know he can help.

I just feel down about it all, i feel everything is about helping him, i know he has a problem but what about the people like me who are being betrayed, lied to?

I don't know what the answers are, i wish i did.

Message withdrawn

Is he trying to get clean without any outside professional support?.

If your suspicions are confirmed (I think you are right to be suspicious) will he be willing to go to rehab again?.

How many more chances are you prepared to give him?.

Think as well you yourself need to seek professional support as living with an addict of any description is bloody hard.

www.phoenixhouse.org/National/FamilySupport/familysupport_activeuser.html

Have a look also at this website; you need support too.

I think there is a fine line to tread between supporting and enabling.

Atilla is right, OhGreat. Is he really strong enough to come off? You would know that.

ohgreat,

I would like to make this clear to you.

I'm not suggesting for one minute that you are his enabler because enabling can be done unintentionally and subconsciuously out of love and concern for that person. For instance any attempt by the other person to cover up the addict's behaviour is misguided.

Your love for him may not be enough to help him.

You did nothing to deserve the crap you had in your own past. Your Dad dying when you were a child affected you deeply and I would argue continues to affect you - have you ever talked about this?. I would suggest you seek counselling for your own self.

Firstly i know it is hard butr obviously i don't know how hard, i have not been an addict so can only imagine, i am tyring my best to understand but quite honestly i do need to think of our children is well & not only that but myself, i have Pnd myself & am trying to live through this hell as it is.

He was doing it at work because he knew he could not do it around me because i would know, he worked out & about in a van (don't want to go into job title for obvious reasons) he was doing it in his van, then when coming home or at weekends when he could not do it because i was there he would drink but also hide this from me too.

I am not wanting to jump to conclusions about what i found today but i NEED the truth, i need to know i can't bear the secretiveness of it all & also i need to know i am not going mad, certain things that happened last time mad me feel like i was going mad until he confessed to the truth.

I just feel utterly sad, complete deep sadness for all of us, him, myself & the kids.

He is not getting help this time no, he said he won't have it because he has been there & knows how it works etc etc, i am not so sure.

Life can be so normal & so good, then all things come to a head.

His dad wants to talk to him tonight on the phone, he does not want me to say anything when dp arrives home he wants to talk to him first, he wants to tell him what i found. I don't know if this is right or not it feels wrong because i feel it should be me doing it as it is me living with this but he insists he has to do it.

I feel very alone, puched out & lost, i don't have the answers all i can do is hope & pray this is not going to happen yet again.

As for dealing with my fathers death, no i probably did not i was 12 years old & i went through hell, i am howver waiting for councelling have been for about 9 months now but there is a waiting list.

let us know how it goes tonight?

ohgreat

The police do not take kindly at all to drug driving. What on earth was he thinking?.

Would suggest you contact the British Association for Counselling and Pyschotherapy (they can give you a list of counsellors in your area). You need help now, you've been on this current list for nine months. Another route you could consider is CRUSE (the bereavement care charity). Will put up details of both for you.

If he is not seeking help this time around for his addiction the failure rate is very high.

You are only responsible for your own self along with your children. Your partner is not your responsibility.

What if he admits to relapsing; what is his Dad going to do?. He cannot be made to go to rehab short of a court order being obtained. With all due respect to him he seems untrained in dealing with such problems and thus you're all out of your depth. If anything all of you should sit down and talk openly with each other along.

Ultimately you need to consider your own self primarily along with your children. You may well have to leave him if he is too weak and chooses the drugs over you all. Perhaps losing everything will be the wake up call he needs.

I will be able to update tomorrow with regards to tonight.

AttilaTheMeerkat - His Dad helped him before 10 years ago, he done alot if it was not for him dp would probably be dead, obviously dp also helped himself in the end & done what he done, he was clean for 10 years he done so well.

It did all start when he met people who were doing drugs themselves down here (he moved 200 miles to be with me) which obviously is not a good thing.

He is a strong person but not sure how strong yet, this is the first time i have had to deal with this in the 6 years we have been together.

I have to go, back later if possible.

ohgreat,

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

www.bacp.co.uk

Good luck with tonight, hope your partner does not blow up at you all but actually listens to you.

morning OhGreat - how'd it go? Wanna talk?