Need some advice, help, understanding, anything at all

[OhGreat]

I have changed my name for this, not because of mn but dp...please don't out me.

I posted a couple of months back about dp betraying me & having a "habit" well it ended there, he either sorted himself out or we just could not go on.

Well he stopped, he done well i supported him 100% and helped him through, i suppose i also put my own life on hold because he did not want me to leave him & go out at all, by this i mean i used to go to myt friends every thursday in the evening for "my time" a break from the kids etc, anyway i stopped doing this so he was not alone, so i could help him through those dark few weeks.

Anyway i suppose just lately like past couple fo weeks i have given him alot more space, stopped the questioning, watching, money etc.

Today though i moved our bed as i was looking under the matress to see the make of it for my mum as she is buying a new matress & likes ours, anyway when moving the bed i noticed a five pund note rolled up behind the top end, straight away i was suspicious, i picked it up expected it & am sure there is tiny bits of white on it.

So now obviously i am going over the past week & i am suspicious BUT what do i do? he won't admit it i know he won't. What happens if it is innocent? & i go accusing him?

I just can not live like this, i HATE living like this, i just want a nomrmal family life, to be loved a team & not to live with a recovering addict

Dp was an addict 10 years ago we have only been together 6 years but we have 2 beautiful children & i know it will break there hearts to be away from there daddy, but honestly i just can't live like this.

I HATE having to watch, look for signs, sort everything, i honestly hate it, i HATE thinking he may be lieing to me, this is not the person i know.

I am sitting here crying my heart out thinking if he has done this again, that really is it but my heart will be broken no matter what.

I have phoned his dad & told him my suspician & he is going to phone him tonight & get the truth, he is not going to let on what i have found but is going to question him.

I feel so hurt, betrayed from the last time, i am still trying to get through that, what can i do? should i walk away? what about our children? oh god it is all so wrong.

I look at my life & think what did i do to deserve the crap i have had, i lost my dad when a child, i was in a violent relationship for 2 years when young, now this from him, the one person i put my everything to, i trusted him, i thought he was so write now look.

I am devastated

Thanks for asking after me captainmummy

Well it went well, i decided with FIL i did not want to make a mountain out of a mole hill & i wanted to ask dp.

So he came in sat down, cuddled & kissed the kids etc & then this is how the conversation went -

Me - Oh i moved the bed today & found £5.

Him - did you? (very relaxed)

Me - Yes but unfortunatly it was all rolled up!

Him - Was it.

Me - Yes did you put it there?

Him - Might of.

Me - what recently?

Him - No.

Me - so how come there was a rolled up £5 behind the bed? i know it was not there 2 weeks ago because i moved the bed, turned the matress.

Him - Oh it will be from old times.

Me - How though why would it be there now.

Him - I used to hide bits under the valence on the bed.

Me - That explains it then.

Him - Do you really think i would go down that route again? knowing i will lose my family?

Me - I hope not.

Him - I promise you i have not & will not.

Throughout he was very relaxed & i had no suspician at all, i believed him he swore blind to me there was noting going on, i can tell when he lies he showed no signs.

I am happy about his answers but just shows i do need to keep him on his toes so he knows i am aware & he will never get away with it again.

What do you think?

He also said lets go & lift the valence on the bed now i bet we find more things like cut up straws

I said no i will do that on my own.

Hi OhGreat - so glad the conversation was civilized! Are you happy with his answers? He sounds as if he knows whats at stake. Did he get annoyed for you being suspicious?

Hi, I know exactly how you feel as I am in a very similar situation, though at least your dp does seem to be having some success in stopping. I so hope he is telling the truth about the note, because I know exactly what it is like to feel suspicious all the time, to watch out for signs constantly, looking for evidence, then not knowing whether to believe the explanations. I always want to believe I'm wrong, that's the trouble. And addicts are great at lying to protect themselves.

I don't know what i can say to help, only that you aren't alone in being in this situation. I've reached the end of my tether, as my dp has constantly claimed he can stop on his own, that everything is different - and then constantly fails. He's so normal in between, but I have to stick to my guns, because this is no life.

Good luck, and please look after you and your dcs first and foremost.

No i explained to him that i am "allowed" to ask as many questions as i like or for whatever reason because he put himself in this situation, he did wrong not me, he made it this way not me. He fully understands he says but it does annoy him sometimes & he can't help that it is just a reaction but he fully understands why i am doing it & says he knows i will be doing.

Dp is a very good talker & is very open, yes he has lied & yes addicts are very good liars, dp also knows that i am a suspicious person & i will question him, he also knows that hiding things like that from me is going to be hard, this is why he did it at work then came home & went to bed, all the signs were there last time he did this about 2 months ago but because in the 6 years we have been together he has always been clean i really did not expect it for one & also totally did not take it as serious as it obviously was.

I now know the signs, i now fully understand that dp is 100% capable & i also realise i am living with an ex addict, for me it was hard because when he was an addict 10 years ago i was not in his life, he was totally clean when i met him.

We were having a crap time, i mean really crap time when dp done it, i know it is no excuse but he was around people who were using & selling it & our life was dire so i can kind of see he choose it as a way out.

I have however forgiven him this time & this time only, he knows this i just can't go through it EVER again, i am confident in him, he has parted from the bad people he was around (most from his old job) he has left that job & started a new one & has moved on.

If however he was still around these people & still in this job i am 90% certain he would still be doing it, he had no choice but to remove himself from the situations, it was the only way he would get through it.

I am pretty confident but it is little things like that, that bring me back to the situation.

hi hun you did the right thing by confronting him,do you think it would be a good idea to "spring clean" the house.that way if you find anything else incriminating then get rid of it for good, that way if you find anything else in the future you know in your own mind that he has relapsed and can't pull the wool over your eyes iyswim.can i ask if i have posted on one of your threads before about this situation??? dont want to out you in any way x

Fawkeoff - I will sping clean the house as i were but to be honest all that is done all the time anyway, the only thing really he used to hide things under is the bed it seems to have been his fav place, he used to say bank cards were lost but then it all came to light he had hidden them under the bed, the bed seems the fav so i will be going under over etc the bed, the bed has been changed, moved & matress turned but the valence is the one thing that has not been moved at all, will do it tomorrow.

Off to see if you have been on one of my threads, i don't mind people on mn knowing who i am, even if i am ashamed but i did not want dp to find this

No not on my other thread unless you had another name?

OhGreat you sound really positive and strong, much more so that yesterday, so hopefully it wil all be ok. Hope so, for yur sake, It sounds like you've been through enough.

i must have been thinking of someone else hun.....anyway you have done the right thing and you now know that if it happens again that he can't protest to you...blessing in disguise x

Thanks captainmummy, i was not positive at all yesterday & was dreading the outcome but i just knew dp was telling the truth one thing dp will not do when lieing is not give eye contact, i wacthed his reaction, he moves, his eyes & i just "knew" it was the truth.

I am not saying he will never go down this route again, all i can do is hope because in know there will always be that chance, he has an awful lot to lose now though, when he has an addict before he had no kids, no girlfriend, no job, he has a career, 3 kids & me now, he has worked awfully hard the past 6 years & he would ruin it all.