Do I give him another chance - secret drinking

[CaliPhonic]

dp and I have been together for 4 years, we're both nearly 50 and we own a house together. There was one time in the first year where I noticed he had bought 2 bottles of vodka but only one was in the house but I just thought it was a mistake and i hadn't seen the 2 come with the shopping. After around 18 months of seeing each other, dp had what turned out to be a very serious case of pancreatitis after a stag do in Spain. They first started out by saying he must be a very serious drinker but once they had run all their tests and checked his liver and said that although it was fatty, there was no sign of any liver damage and they recommended that he lose some weight (he's about 20% of his bodyweight overweight) and curb back the drinking. They advised him to stick to wine and beer and avoid spirits and drink in moderation.

Dp has never been a regular big drinker in reality but when he goes out, he tends to have big nights with lots of spirits. At this point, he drank at home but not a vast amount, wine with dinner, that sort of thing. He's a very very social person and pre lockdown was probably out more than he was in (and it's linked to his job too in events). The doctor said that essentially binge nights can be just as bad as regular drinking.

Lockdown hit dp hard and he lost his job and found it almost impossible to get a new one. He was having some wine at home in the evenings and I noticed it was getting earlier in the day that he would start. I had a word with him and just reminded him to be careful and we decided he would do a lot of volunteering work to keep him busy.

2 days ago he went to the shop to get groceries and I noticed when he got back, a glass bottle with see through something in (vodka I think but didn't see the label) sticking out and I thought he may have bought it for one of the kids for xmas. But i had a suspicion. Then this morning he loaded bottles and plastic into the car to take them to recycling and I pretended i had left something in the car. He immediately ran out with me and got all nervy and said what are you looking for and picked up the bag with the bottles in so I could see underneath but in the bag was the glass bottle.

that means, if it was vodka, he's polished that off in 2 days whilst having wine in the evening too. I tend to have a bottle of gin in the house, just one as I like a G and T like once a month, and that hasn't been touched.

I am still working full time (from home) and dp is working part time and he has been doing all the cooking/housework and I keep wondering why and I think it is out of guilt. I had to go straight to work so I've not said anything.

My gut feel is to want to split up. He's lied to me and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. And I don't think this is the first time as I think there have been other times too like when I saw the 2 bottles and only one appeared. I think I am hugely convenient for him as I've picked up all the slack money wise while he's been without a job. I'd like to believe he loves me but I am now wondering whether it was ever really there.

I could give him a chance but I don't know if I can ever trust him. My mother was an alcoholic and I hated it and I have v little tolerance towards alcohol issues so I'd like to hear if I'm being unreasonable.

You already know the answer.

Agree with MikeUniformMike. You know what you need to do, sad as it is, the pain endured by staying with him will be far worse

I'm not sure "giving another chance" is an appropriate response to such a complex, long term issue that he has not indicated any intention to address.

Although I'm also not sure I'd jump to assuming he's "using" you or hasn't loved you.

He’s an alcoholic - the key is he’s taking a lot of effort to hide it. Interesting that it’s vodka too because it looks like water, also very strong so he can get drunk quickly.

Cali

Your mother was an alcoholic so its not altogether surprising that you are in a relationship with an alcoholic now. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Where was your dad here?

You know the answer to this question you ask but I will spell it out to you all the same. No you should not give him another chance and besides which how many times have you made excuses and otherwise covered up for him?. All you've been to him is someone to facilitate his life whilst he continues to drink. His primary relationship is with alcohol; its not and has never been with you.

Apart from ending this relationship asap I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

Surely talk to him first and find out if he is willing to do the incredibly hard work to quit drinking entirely? AA etc.

Watching with interest... Atilla how do AlAnon help-not being snarky, genuinely wondering what sort of info and support they offer not because this situation is horribly familiar, oh no, not at all

I've been to Al Anon as a child. I seriously did not think I was going out with an alcoholic till very recently! I've had loads of relationships with non alcoholic people so I don't think it's me but obviously, I am now a bit triggered given my past.

But yes @pjani I'm worried about it being a knee jerk reaction - how can I believe him if he says he's going to quit? He was meant to cut down drastically after the hospital thing but he's clearly not stuck to that

Mrs Wooster

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/what-to-expect-at-a-meeting/

You haven't even spoken to your partner yet? Surely a conversation is necessary - he might not even be willing to do the "work" necessary to warrant another chance... He might not even want another chance? Not sure how we can help unless we know his position and what he's willing to commit to in terms of help. To be honest it sounds like because of your family history, you have already made your mind up.

@MrsWooster I'm a sober alcoholic, attend AA, have done for quite a long time.

On the al-anon side off things something that I've heard from AA members families is that it gave them a space to talk openly, honestly and without judgement. They follow a 12 step principle but in the immediate need, the ability to talk in RL anonymously is something that al-anon members have said works for them. Sorry if that's a garbled response. Link below.

@CaliPhonic sorry you are going through this. Alcoholism destroys trust, I can only speak from my own experience but I was glad (both for me and previous partner) I wasn't in a relationship when getting sober and v grateful to have sobriety today.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/what-does-al-anon-do/

I haven't made my mind up - but I'm concerned about talking to him and me believing what he says

if he's been doing this secretly, what's to stop him from saying 'yes I'll give up' and then downing vodka without me knowing? I think that's what really concerns me

I'm in shock to be honest with you. I just hoped it wasn't true and now it seems like it is and it's just a horrible feeling.

On the picking up slack when he lost his job - I think you are being unfair, as this is what people in partnership do. And you’d expect him to do it if situation was reversed.

As to the drinking. I think it is a knee jerk reaction in a way. I think you have never had a real open and honest conversation about it. The ‘cutting down’ conversation at the hospital was not the same conversation as the one you needed to have. You need to see if he realises he has a problem and if he is serious about actually addressing it.
I think in your head - it’s quite clear that you have a firm boundary around alcohol. But I am not sure he is really aware of it.
And I say it as a child of an alcoholic parent as well.

I think 4 years of a relationship deserves more than throwing in a towel without some honest communication.
Unless you are in general unhappy and want to end it.

You can't trust him. He needs help. Does he actually want help? Does he even acknowledge he has a problem and does he truly have the desire to quit drinking? All questions you need to ask him. You sound strong and wise, you'll be fine. He's self-soothing with alcohol for a reason. Whether or not you want to stick around and help him work through the root cause is another question. Life is short.

Another sober alcoholic, here, writing as an alcoholic and one also who knows alcoholics intimately.

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My experience and the details of your story tells me that this man will make promises he won't keep and will cause you financial and emotional heartache.

You got together in mid-life? How much do you really know about his past? Objective facts, not things he has told you.

Alcoholics can be such gregarious charmers that when their true/alcoholic/neurotic nature is revealed, it can come as a huge shock and you can convince yourself that you must be imagining things. Dreadful.

I've read that most addicts who are successful in becoming truly sober do so by mid-life. The others addicts are either dead by that age or lifers.

I would cut my losses if I were you.

thanks - I'm really very grateful for all your straight talking and one of the reasons I wanted to ask you all is how much of a knee jerk reaction I'm having.

I am going to talk to him tonight but wanted to get some input before I did that - now i feel like i'm questioning everything and I can see thanks to you all that some of the things i am questioning are unfair

@forsucksfake

Another sober alcoholic, here, writing as an alcoholic and one also who knows alcoholics intimately.

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My experience and the details of your story tells me that this man will make promises he won't keep and will cause you financial and emotional heartache.

You got together in mid-life? How much do you really know about his past? Objective facts, not things he has told you.

Alcoholics can be such gregarious charmers that when their true/alcoholic/neurotic nature is revealed, it can come as a huge shock and you can convince yourself that you must be imagining things. Dreadful.

I've read that most addicts who are successful in becoming truly sober do so by mid-life. The others addicts are either dead by that age or lifers.

I would cut my losses if I were you.

my mum died not directly from it but as a result of it

he is a wonderfully loving man - my (adult) children adore him. He goes out of his way to do things for them. But now I find myself questioning whether all the lovely things he did were to carry on a relationship with me because it enabled his drinking and I was never questioning him. I just don't know. That's probably unfair.

But I saw with my mother how manipulative and devious addictions make people. I never believed my mother loved me because she loved alcohol more but I understand now that she did but was essentially obsessed with her addiction.

When I met his kids, his exw asked to meet me. She wanted to have a bare all conversation with me about him but we never set it up. I now suspect she will tell me he had a drinking problem.

I think you need to make clear in your own head what you will do if he doesn’t stop. Will you leave him? Often alcoholics need to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they stop & admit their problem.

When you talk to him he may deny he has a problem, promise to cut down and then not. He could stop drinking temporarily and then restart. He may seek help.

But you need to set your boundaries. I do know that this is easier said than done though. The behaviour of my DH became dangerous before I finally acted.

Al Anon is good in that you meet people with similar experiences and realise that the way you’ve acted towards the alcoholism is similar to others.

I am sorry about your mother.

When I met his kids, his exw asked to meet me. She wanted to have a bare all conversation with me about him but we never set it up. I now suspect she will tell me he had a drinking problem.

Is it possible to have that conversation with his ex now? That would be more enlightening than anything he says to you at this point. That would be my first step, if I were you.

He is not a bad person, as you already know. He is an addict and his primary loyalty and motivation in life is his addiction.

Take care of yourself, You really have my sympathy.

@forsucksfake I've read that most addicts who are successful in becoming truly sober do so by mid-life. The others addicts are either dead by that age or lifers.

Well that is nonsense. Plenty of people give up in their fifties - I did!

OP, you need to have some difficult conversations. But try not to let his drinking and subterfuge colour everything in the past of your relationship - alcoholics can, and do, love people honestly!

@PaperTowels

I am really happy to read that you are enjoying the sober life.

thank you @PaperTowels - it is actually good to hear that (that it is possible for them to love people!)

I texted his exw (we have their kids here for the next 4 days) and she called me immediately. She didn't break up with him because of his drinking - but she feels he is an alcoholic. She said one night she went out, and she said she rarely went out, and she left the kids when they were babies with him and when she got back, he was pissed and she was really upset. Eventually though, their relationship broke down as he got a contract abroad and he moved and she didn't and their relationship fell apart. She asked him about his drinking when he met me and he told her it was under control, he wasn't drinking like he had done in the past. She believed him because she also felt in their relationship, he had times when he definitely wasn't drinking and times when he was so it wasn't like a constant undercurrent.

apparently she asks every time the kids come whether I am here or not - I didn't realise she was doing that. There was one weekend when I went away with friends (pre lockdown) and the kids were meant to come and they didn't and I now understand it was because I wasn't here. I didn't realise she only lets the kids come if I am here because she doesn't want them with him on his own in case he is drinking again.

So there it is. Btw dp knew I was going to take his exw on the offer of a call at some stage so I don't feel it's a betrayal by speaking to her as I told him I would speak to her at some point.

I can't believe this has all unravelled so bloody quickly

I'm so sorry it wasn't better news from his ex, but you now know that he has a long term and serious alcohol problem and that he is already at the secret drinking/lying/deceiving stage. With hindsight, this is where I should have left my husband. Instead I stayed another two years, being codependent and enabling, trying to 'help' him and succeeding only in cushioning the impact of his addiction so that he could carry on feeding it. During that time he became emotionally abusive to our DDs (they are still both in therapy because of it years later) and to me (I have had therapy too). It was two years of constant anxiety, worrying about bottles and how much was in them, feeling unsafe to leave him at home alone with DDs - and they were teens by this time.

It got much, much worse - he tried rehab but half-heartedly, had a stint in inpatient rehab that did nothing, in the end he threatened to kill me and I had to have him removed by the police. 8 months later he was dead, aged 58.

I'm telling you this because this is where you end up with an alcoholic who won't accept there's a problem. My husband drank to the last. Don't be me. You can talk to him, of course you can, but do not accept promises of cutting down or other bullshit. Your chances are not good. And ultimately your life will be better without him. Please do contact Al-Anon or a similar group (I still attend online, mostly to support others these days) and get the support you need to detach with love and make good decisions.

Thanks for the update. Glad you have confirmed things with his ex. The pattern continues, then, in your relationship with him.

Others may be more optimistic, and they may be right, but I would be inclined to think he is a dishonest and untrustworthy person because he refuses to admit his addiction.

You have good instincts and a lifetime of experience with alcoholism. I feel sad for you right now, but I wish you all the very best.