Do I give him another chance - secret drinking

[CaliPhonic]

dp and I have been together for 4 years, we're both nearly 50 and we own a house together. There was one time in the first year where I noticed he had bought 2 bottles of vodka but only one was in the house but I just thought it was a mistake and i hadn't seen the 2 come with the shopping. After around 18 months of seeing each other, dp had what turned out to be a very serious case of pancreatitis after a stag do in Spain. They first started out by saying he must be a very serious drinker but once they had run all their tests and checked his liver and said that although it was fatty, there was no sign of any liver damage and they recommended that he lose some weight (he's about 20% of his bodyweight overweight) and curb back the drinking. They advised him to stick to wine and beer and avoid spirits and drink in moderation.

Dp has never been a regular big drinker in reality but when he goes out, he tends to have big nights with lots of spirits. At this point, he drank at home but not a vast amount, wine with dinner, that sort of thing. He's a very very social person and pre lockdown was probably out more than he was in (and it's linked to his job too in events). The doctor said that essentially binge nights can be just as bad as regular drinking.

Lockdown hit dp hard and he lost his job and found it almost impossible to get a new one. He was having some wine at home in the evenings and I noticed it was getting earlier in the day that he would start. I had a word with him and just reminded him to be careful and we decided he would do a lot of volunteering work to keep him busy.

2 days ago he went to the shop to get groceries and I noticed when he got back, a glass bottle with see through something in (vodka I think but didn't see the label) sticking out and I thought he may have bought it for one of the kids for xmas. But i had a suspicion. Then this morning he loaded bottles and plastic into the car to take them to recycling and I pretended i had left something in the car. He immediately ran out with me and got all nervy and said what are you looking for and picked up the bag with the bottles in so I could see underneath but in the bag was the glass bottle.

that means, if it was vodka, he's polished that off in 2 days whilst having wine in the evening too. I tend to have a bottle of gin in the house, just one as I like a G and T like once a month, and that hasn't been touched.

I am still working full time (from home) and dp is working part time and he has been doing all the cooking/housework and I keep wondering why and I think it is out of guilt. I had to go straight to work so I've not said anything.

My gut feel is to want to split up. He's lied to me and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. And I don't think this is the first time as I think there have been other times too like when I saw the 2 bottles and only one appeared. I think I am hugely convenient for him as I've picked up all the slack money wise while he's been without a job. I'd like to believe he loves me but I am now wondering whether it was ever really there.

I could give him a chance but I don't know if I can ever trust him. My mother was an alcoholic and I hated it and I have v little tolerance towards alcohol issues so I'd like to hear if I'm being unreasonable.

@pointythings I'm so sorry to hear your tale and how awful that you and your children suffered so much. I suddenly feel an enormous responsibility to his dcs now too - his exw felt he was emotionally abusive when he was pissed. I haven't seen that side of him but he can be odd. We have a dog and the dog is very attached to me and the other night (which must have been one of the vodka nights) he had the dog on his lap (holding him so he couldn't move) saying 'you really do love me don't you, don't you' and not letting him go. And he wasn't saying it in a funny way, it was almost menacing and I had to intervene and say 'just let him go' as the dog was starting to get alarmed. I know it sounds really minor but I remember thinking how weird it was. I'm going to now keep a very close eye in the evenings as I had very much left him to sort his own kids out. I didn't tell his exw anything, I just asked her what she had to tell me and she didn't ask me anything.

thanks for your post though - I know these things are never easy to discuss or talk about so I really appreciate you opening up. The same goes for everyone else on this thread too.

thanks @forsucksfake. I feel incredibly sad but also incredibly angry. I'm really busy at work today too which actually isn't helping. I'll need to wait for his dcs to be in bed but I think I will have it all out with him tonight as I won't be able to keep it in!

Talking to him though, particularly about his drinking, is an action that is about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

I would cut your losses now and tell him it’s over. Your life ultimately will be a lot happier with he and his attendant alcoholism in it.

I agree that talking to him about his drinking won't achieve any change, but it may be something that you need to do for yourself, so you can feel you haven't just walked away. However, you do need to act after that conversation. Don't use it as a prop to hang your codependence on.

will talk to him tonight. It's making me feel sick even thinking about it tbh. Not that I don't want to but I almost don't want to hear the excuses and I think it's going to be really upsetting.

It's likely to be upsetting - stay on this thread, there are a lot of people here who have been where you are now and who will support you.

It's so hard. Please line up some support for yourself. Do you have anyone sensible to talk to before and after the conversation tonight?

I haven't told anyone in real life yet. This has literally happened so fast - this morning I woke up and didn't think anything, now I know I'm living with an alcoholic.

I don't think I'll feel comfortable to reach out to friends till the weekend when I can get out of the house and go for a walk to give them a call. But thank you for all your kind thoughts and I'll update this later and let you know how it goes x

I have been there too. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know about the bottles and the constant vigilance

I was married to a drunk for 11 years. He was kind generous funny intelligent gregarious charming.

His ex wife also warned me but I stupidly ignored her as he seemed to have it under control at first.

I became good at compartmentalising my life in home and work, I held down a professional job - I was kidding no one, though as everyone knew.

I tried to talk to him numerous times and he would promise to cut down but it never lasted long.

I wore myself out doing everything and trying to cope with his drinking and keep my head above water.

His health was affected and he lost his job but lied to me saying he'd taken redundancy - I later found the letters warning him about his drinking at work.

I told him I was leaving and out came his excuses and justifications for his drinking. Then he got cancer so I stayed til he died 9 months later. Even when the oncologist told him that his cancer was of the kind that heavy drinkers got he carried on drinking and sneaking off to the pub.

I've had to literally rebuild my life up again and it was a struggle to get where I am now. So don't be like me, too trusting and more. Keep strong - drunks can be charming and manipulative- hold onto your reasons why you can't stay with him

Good luck

oh @Sundaypolodog I'm so sorry, what an awful story. How are you now? Is your life in a better place? My mum also got a cancer that was related to her drinking and that is what eventually killed her. But even right up to the day she died, she was drinking red wine through a straw to get her fix. By then the doctors said it was kinder to just let her drink rather than try and wean her off it.

you have actually just reminded me. He lost his job a few years ago (2018) because he had a big argument with his boss. I remember thinking at the time it was a very ill advised argument to pick. I now wonder whether there were other factors at play. He had been with the company for more than 2 years and I remember thinking how odd it was that they were going to get away with what looked like unfair dismissal but I'm now wondering whether alcohol was a factor.

I understand why you wouldn't be able to discuss this with friends just yet.

I have turned on notifications for this thread in case you need more moral support later today.

Now that you know, a lot of things will start to make senses. It's important to talk about your realisations and struggles with people you trust or people who have been there.

You've got people here thinking good thoughts for you.

He should avoid all alcohol with history of pancreatitis and be on a low fat diet-he could have a genetic mutation that makes him susceptible to pancreatitis-I have a history of chronic pancreatitis due to two gene mutations. TBH the pain is enough for me to find alcohol very unappealing

@CaliPhonic I'm fine now thanks - at least I think I am. I very wary of alcohol and I don't find it funny when I'm around people over indulging in alcohol. But I do like going to pubs I like the ambiance and the banter.

Don't beat yourself about this - we go into relationship with hope and wanting to believe in that person. I was like you, very shocked and saddened to think that he'd lie to me - I wouldn't do that myself, but sadly it's about his need for the alcohol

Like people here have said talk to people. I didn't for a long time as I think I thought that people would think I was a failure or stupid not to have known about it or to have stayed. I saw myself as a strong person and thought I could cope with it on my own. Looking back I wish I'd talked to people and when I finally did it was all fine and it helped me move on.
Come back on here when you need to - it will help you

I'm sad to say that your story reminded me of an uncle who was an alcoholic, and when he died aged 65 it was no shock. I think you could go on giving more chances, or do what my aunt did and leave, who had a fulfilling life for 40 years after leaving and lived to her mid 80s.

You could waste months and years 'giving him another chance'. It likely he'll lie and hide his drinking until you rumble him again. That's my experience.

well it was a bit of a damp squib talk because his dc and the dog were a nightmare last night. His dc kept coming downstairs claiming they couldn't sleep, that woke up the dog as they were running up and down and by the time everyone had settled down, I was starting to fall asleep

we did have a brief chat though - he said he realised he had been drinking too much over the past few days. He did buy the bottle of vodka but when he got home, he realised he didn't want to drink it and he opened it and poured it down the sink (he doesn't realise but the security cameras we have set up in the house do catch the kitchen as the one camera is hidden on the back wall of the kitchen panning out into the garden - I wound back the footage this morning and he did do that - he opened it, looked at it for a while then poured it away). He admitted he has had a problem with drink in the past but he feels it's under control (hmm). He's had counselling in the past for it. I said I felt I couldn't trust him (there have been other issues over the past year with little white lies) and I said we would talk more when we had the time after his kids go on Sunday as tbh it's impossible before than to talk properly.

he's v sad today. There is no more booze in the house. We haven't agreed anything and we aren't going to discuss it again till Sunday.

I was/ am (don't actually know anymore) involved with an alcoholic.

The difference was with him is that he told me straight up he drank too much as a way of coping with his work stress. He had been to counselling before we even matched.

He was open and up front about his drinking and knew it was problematic.

He decided to quit totally but even when covid started and he had a lapse he told me that he had broken and drank one night.

Thats the difference. He told me about it and was honest about it and accepted he had a problem.

Until your guy does that it is hopeless.

So he's in denial, has made a dramatic gesture to appease you and that's that. This is typical of what alcoholics do and you shouldn't let it distract you. He doesn't really accept he has a problem and that is all you need to know.

Take the time until Sunday to set out what your boundaries are and then be very, very clear. I would still strongly recommend ending it.

You know what you need to do.

He may mean that all right now but you can’t guarantee he won’t drink again and neither can he.

He will lie to your face and believe it when he’s telling you.

Also if he has been that heavy a drinker he’s prone to mega health issues including wet brain when older. Do you want that for you?

That talk as I suspected was a complete waste of time complete with said dramatic gesture. Would not actually bother now with speaking to him on Sunday either.

Do not waste any more time or years on this man, you will deeply regret doing so. The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You can only help your own self here and you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

Ending this relationship will be painful but its your own real option now. His primary relationship is with drink, its not you and its never been with you either.

@CaliPhonic hi how's it going?