Can you control who you love?

[Dinky01]

I'm so so confused. I'm in love with a man who isn't my husband. I can't possibly tell anyone so I've come here to ask advice.
I've been married for 10 years, 2 children, no difficulties. I've no complaints. I love him but I'm not in love with him. I met someone else by accident 1 year ago. We've agreed to do the right thing as we can't be together and end things. We don't communicate on social media and see each other. But I'm still heart broken and trying to force myself to get over it and focus on my family.
I'm well aware I've been selfish and reckless so please be kind. My husband is unaware but knows I'm not happy. We've started counselling. I want to do the right thing. But my god, its hard. Is it possible to control who you have feelings for or make them go away?

Hi :)

I think you really need to ask yourself what are the reasons for staying with hubby. Sometimes things don't work out regardless of how many years. People do grow apart. It is a big decision especially when children are involved but you also deserve to be happy. Xxx

Sorry forgot to answer the actual question. I think it is possible to get over it if the connection with your hubby is strong. But if the grass was greener on the other side per say then it may be difficult xx

Feelings have their own timeframe. Just be ause you've decided to try to make the marriage work, doesn't mean that your feelings for the other guy will just vanish. You can only control your actions, bot your feelings.

Whether or not it's fair to stay with your husband when your heart is filled with someone else though... I dont understand why you would make this choice. Why would you choose a farce over reality? Are the kids really young?

I think taking marriage counciling...is a bit of an insult tbh. You know what the issue is, you don't need help to get to the bottom of it.

How well do you know the other man? Are you sure you're not projecting your feelings onto him? There's obviously a problem within your marriage, despite your protestations to the contrary. Counselling is a good idea. So is working out why you 'fell in love' with another man - do you seek escape from the life you are currently living?

yeah, you'll get over it as you're not realistically in love with him are you, lust at best. imagine your life with him 10 years down the line plus kids and day to day stresses and strains too..
if you're genuinely unhappy in your current relationship then leave but not "for" this man.

Definitely, you can control who you love.

Thats what marriage is.... a conscious decision between two people not to act on feelings for others, ie, forsaking all others.

I agree its too soon for marriage councelling.
First tell your husband you have been lying for over a year and then see if he wishes to continue with you or

End the marriage and allow your husband to fall in love with someone who has firmer boundaries and is not a slave to their own ego.

@Onthedunes you can control who you sleep with/kiss, but not who you love..how ridiculous! That being said, you can distance yourself from someone if the feelings are getting too intense and you're in danger of moving from feelings to actions.

Conversely, I think a bit of flirting can be healthy for a relationship. We are not necessarily monogamous creatures and this can be a release of sorts. By flirting, I do not mean discussing sex and other rude stuff just chatting/laughing with the opposite sex and for what it's worth, I flirt just as much with women as men. Then again, perhaps that's not flirting just talking without a scowl haha.

X

OP, did you spend enough time with this man to know that it's love and not just infatuation? Was it a physical connection or Emotional Affair? What's his situation - attached too?
Ask yourself would you really be compatible in the long run, and is it worth tearing your family apart?
I think PP's are right in that you need to look at what's missing in your own marriage to see why this happened. Good luck x

@AquarianSquirrel

Exactly, I don't think you can control who you are attracted to, but love does not happen unless two parties act on that attraction.

@AquarianSquirrel I agree that you can’t control who you love. If that was the case I wouldn’t still be single because I could pick anyone off the street and “make” myself love them. Lol

As you said you CAN control your actions towards them even if you love them. And that should be the strategy in this case.

‘I love him but I’m not in love with him’ is just an excuse for cheating. A long-term relationship isn’t as exciting as a new one. ‘Love’ is not the reason for this.

Yes. I can. But I would generally stop it before feelings had developed if I could.

I think in terms of it in terms of 'chemistry' rather than 'love' and then it seems less 'romantic' or 'inevitable'.

I was very attracted to someone a few years ago. We had mutual friends and so came to know each other well. He was married. I admired him from afar but would never get involved with a married man. I never told anyone or made it obvious. Other people started to notice that he was different around me rather than the other way around and one day he phoned me and asked to meet for coffee.

I went because, at that stage, we were only friends and he'd not done or said anything inappropriate as far as I was aware and because I also knew that, if he did do/say anything it would put me off him - after all he might just have wanted to drink coffee with a new friend.

But he told me that he had feelings for me, that he didn't love his wife as he should anymore, said he thought we'd become close and could feel a connection between us and all the usual stuff men say...

Killed the feelings I had dead.

I don't want to be with a man who could cheat on his wife; or would think so little of me that i was would consider being someone's 'bit on the side', or could think I'd be that sort of woman.

But I could have chosen to respond differently because I did have very strong feelings for him until that point. It's always a choice.

Are you really attracted to that sort of man?

I don't think you can control who you are attracted to, but love does not happen unless two parties act on that attraction.

Yes.

@BrandNewLightbulb

I don't think you can control who you are attracted to, but love does not happen unless two parties act on that attraction.

Yes.

Yes, I’d agree with is too.

So you met this man a year ago, but how long is it since you cut contact? If you haven't seen him for a year and you're still pining after him, I'd say that it's not really him you're missing and things are not right with your husband. Or did you have an EA with him for a year and only cut contact recently?

Counselling is pointless if you're not planning to be honest in the sessions.

If you have a solid enough marriage, I'd tell your husband about it. I was in a similar situation, became completely infatuated with someone else. It was like teenage love, completely crazy. The other man never knew because I never made my feelings known and I was lucky that we never really got many chances to meet due to different work/lives. The attraction on my part was huge, and I'm not sure I'd have been able to resist if he'd made a move, which he thankfully never did.

What killed it off was him moving away, but nbefore that I told my husband who found it hilarious! Attractions happen, it's whether you act on them or not. For me I realised that my infatuation with this other man was a light way to distract myself from the serious problems in my 'real' life (health related, not marriage related). Whenever I'd be under a lot of stress, I'd daydream about various scenarios, accidentally running into the object of my obsession etc.

Telling my husband took the excitement and mystery out of it, and then him moving helped. By then though I'd become so used to thinking about him as an emotional crutch that it took me almost three years to stop thinking about him completely. Now I look back and feel very silly and thank my lucky stars I didn't do anything or act on my feelings, which turned out to be very strong but temporary in the end.

You can't pursue counselling with your DH and hold back such a big secret. It's a bit shit really OP! Your DH will be racking his brains, wondering what he has done wrong.

How do you see counselling helping your marriage without revealing what caused your unhappiness?

I think it is. I think that when a woman with children in an otherwise stable and happy marriage looks elsewhere it is a sign of laziness. We get to a point where ordinary life is boring. The quickest way of drumming up top level drama is an illicit affair. Harder ways would be to find excitement in your own life, by taking on some deeply fulfilling challenge, the stuff that you;ve dreamed of for years but never done - writing a book, setting up a business, recording an album, doing an Ironman - whatever. And of course the even bigger challenge is to put some effort into your marriage - keep it alive by living interesting lives separately (through work, hobbies, friends) and together (as a couple and as a family), so that there is a spark.

If you are being honest with yourself that your marriage is good but just a bit dull right now, then you've done the right thing. I suggest you make three short lists: 3-5 things you've always wanted to do in life to prove to yourself what you are capable of, 3-5 things you really want to do with your DC before they leave home and 3-5 adventures or challenges you and your DH can do together to regain a sense that you are on an exctiting journey together. Might not be easy to do them in lockdown but you can start plotting them together.

I meant to add - if your day to day life is exciting enough and full of small but fulfilling challenges, then you won't want an affair. You'll be too busy plotting and executing all the stuff you love doing together and as individuals.

I think you owe it to your husband to be honest with him. He should have some say in his own future and decide if he wants to continue in the marriage.

If you posted as a woman who’s husband had done what you’ve done, you’d have been advised to leave the bastard, do lots of digging and let’s not forget take your half of the savings pot.

I personally don’t think you can control who you are attracted to and that may spill into a form of love BUT you can always control what you do about it.

Many years ago when I was much younger and much stupider, I became the other party in an emotional affair with a work colleague. It took me a really long time to realise what had happened. His girlfriend was in another country and he and I became friends first, sharing lunch breaks etc and then it escalated to us meeting up outside of work (again as friends) as neither of us had anyone to go to certain things with. We’d end up talking into the early hours of the morning and became emotionally really intimate. We hugged but didn’t ever kiss or have sex but in time I certainly fell deeply in love with him although of course I never told him as I knew he was in a relationship. As I thought about his girlfriend and how I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I knew that I had to step totally back. I ended up moving and getting a new job to get away from him. But it made me realise that even when we are in love, we have choices to do the right thing.

So you can’t help your attraction but you can do what you’ve done. Yes it hurts and yes there will be some heartbreak to get over but if it’s a good marriage in every other way then it’s worth it.

Also, if it did happen again, you learn the warning signs and it’s easier to nip it in the bud when it’s still just an attraction as opposed to a love situation.

As an adult you can control who you love, as a teenager it’s harder.

You are doing the right things to cut all contact, you need to stop dwelling on this too. Never mind not contacting him on social media, block him so you can’t see his updates.

I agree with previous posters, your husband deserves honesty however ashamed you are. Lying to a partner, whether discovered or not, shows contempt for that person and kills any relationship.

You can. But unfortunately, having those feelings can make you do risky and life ruining things.

So it's best to stop all contact. You can also call out of love with someone too, if you need to.

Thank you. Some very helpful and supportive message. It helps to hear from people with experience.
Im 35. My kids are 7 and 5. My husband I've known my whole life. The other man I've known, but not well, for a while. He's 10 years older than me and single (not selling it here, he is a nice guy!) but yes, I have asked myself if I could trust a man who would see a married woman. But also, I'm in the guilty party.

My husband is a lovely man. All the things on a husband tick list. But somehow lacks substance. It's the sharpness and wit and intelligence Im attracted to in the other guy as well as his calm, kind way.
I've asked myself is it infatuation? Perhaps. But I think about him literally constantly. Constantly. I can't concentrate on anything, it's always there in the background.
If I told my husband, it would destroy him. I plan to live with what I've done and try to find love with him.

Ive a good job, hobbies, friends. I look at my husband and try to remember why we ended up together.
My next big one is that I can't bare (bear?!) the thought so sex or intimacy.

Sorry if it’s too much to ask but, how far did it go with this man? Full blown affair? Emotional affair?

As far as I know, the man I mentioned never told his girlfriend (no wife and mother of his children) about me at all, she’s no idea I existed. I’ll never say anything so our prior emotional affair is safe and no one ever needs to know. He married her not me so I was never as important to him as she was anyway and nothing sexual happened between us so there’s no point in him hurting her over a nobody that’s not even in his life anymore.

Sexual history does change it a little and it’s a big burden to keep secret for the rest of your married life. If you have had sex with this man then coming clean about it may risk the marriage OR with work it could become stronger. Couples counselling is a really great start.