Can you control who you love?

[Dinky01]

I'm so so confused. I'm in love with a man who isn't my husband. I can't possibly tell anyone so I've come here to ask advice.
I've been married for 10 years, 2 children, no difficulties. I've no complaints. I love him but I'm not in love with him. I met someone else by accident 1 year ago. We've agreed to do the right thing as we can't be together and end things. We don't communicate on social media and see each other. But I'm still heart broken and trying to force myself to get over it and focus on my family.
I'm well aware I've been selfish and reckless so please be kind. My husband is unaware but knows I'm not happy. We've started counselling. I want to do the right thing. But my god, its hard. Is it possible to control who you have feelings for or make them go away?

Yes, it sounds like infatuation, which can be incredibly powerful, and feel like true love. This will be a test of your strength of character, but it can be overcome, just if you think rationally.
Your life with your husband is probably familiar and perhaps at times, mundane. This other person represents an idealistic kind of love, one which has a certain mystery to it. However, this other man does not have any magical qualities which your husband does lacks. I'm guessing you've never heard this other man snore, or go to the toilet, for instance?
There is a theory that we fall for these random people because we are seeking a higher love - a spiritual satisfaction, if you like. I don't want to go down that route because some people aren't comfortable talking about what is perceived to be religious woo-woo. However, my advice to you would be to look inwards, to see if there is anything you can work on within your own self that will dissolve your bubble of infatuation. It might be something as simple as having a purpose in life, or making new friends? Good luck.

You are getting an easy ride here. Ultimately you've had an EA and you can't get this guy out of your head. How can you, in all good conscience sit there in marriage counselling and pretend you are just "unhappy"? It is very unkind. Your DH deserves the chance to decide if he wants to be with you, it's a 2-way street.

Try to remember that a massive number of men save there sharpness, wit, intelligence and calm kind manners for their work colleagues then come home and slob silently or grump.

I remember standing beside a mum in the school playground whose husband was the star dad at school - always playing with everyone's children, always a grin on his face. She was watching him playing star dad at sports day and said under her breath, 'If they knew what he was like at home.' She said it with such depth of sad feeling. Not saying your man is Jekyll and Hyde but if you only know someone at work, you don't know them at all.

So of course it's an infatuation. It only stops being an infatuation when you still love him even though you know he farts into the sofa and doesn't change his socks and whinges if you buy the wrong milk etc.

their not there

Apologies if I’ve misread anything - but it seems to me that there is an awful lot wrong here - and I think that your fears that you would ‘destroy’ your DH by being truthful are nothing like as bad as the prospect he has in front of him.

You’ve had an affair - and are overwhelmed by your feelings for the OM.

You can’t bare to be intimate with DH.

And you are lying your way through counselling which therefore has no prospect of working.

I can only imagine that unless your DH has fallen out of love with you - he is already in pain over the problems in your marriage. You might not be affected because your affections and desires are elsewhere. But Its a massive imbalance in your relationship which he can’t address. He will have to continue to endure your indifference, for which he has no explanation, while you decide the extent to which you can ‘find love’ with him again’. And for this to work - you will rely on his trust and loyalty as he bares his soul in couples counselling. It actually sounds horrendous.

OP most people can deal with truth far better than living with the confusion of being deceived. As you secretly carry this love of OM you are still stealing from your DH’s life every day and your family also.

You don’t fall in love by accident- you form a strong attachment that is fed by intimacy, which you control. You crave what you have lost and you are feeling sorry for yourself, but these are the consequences of stealing from people that love you and finding nourishment from that you cannot share.

Cheat. You should be ashamed of yourself

@Dadaist...

Excellent post.

It really is very cruel, you have no idea of the pain you are inflicting.

Go no contact. Completely, including social media. You’ll get over him. Infatuation is strong but it’s literally a clever trick of nature creating chemical reactions in your brain to drive forward procreation. It’s such a clever trick in fact, it supersedes logic. You know you don’t love him in the true meaning of the word. Understand it for what it is & move on with your marriage & kids.

@Onthedunes do you know what's cruel. Cheating 🙂 never mind in a MARRIAGE. She deserves every bit of "pain" she gets What about the pain inflicted on the husband. Absolutely disgusting I have no sympathy for cheaters they are scum of the earth.

If it was a man coming on here saying that he'd been cheating on his wife he'd be getting it in the neck

@babybumpxox

Sorry are you saying I don't know that... I wholeheartedly agree with you !

To be clear...
Op you are not entitled to the pain you are experiencing.
Have you any idea what it feels like to be left out of the loop for, in your case a year?

Everthing.... your time, love and affection should have been directed at your own partners, why on earth would anyone expect sympathy.

You will never know until this happens to you.

If you think this is pain, you have no idea..... it must be awful having two men love you.

Tell the truth.

I think what @Bunnymumy said is just right.

"Feelings have their own timeframe"

They do and they do t always match the length of the relationship.