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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need to fix my marriage!

27 replies

ForestChris83 · 17/11/2020 19:29

Hey all, perhaps need some advice and a sounding board.
I need to fix my marriage!

I've been quite down in the dumps, mainly due to work stress and difficult relationship with my teenage step son which I've taken quite personally.
DW had been great, but I had a bit of a revelation that I've been putting work first and her and family second a few weeks ago. The stress had virtually killed my libido, she has accused me of being gay but now I realise this was her telling me I wasn't paying enough attention in the bedroom, i feel so stupid.
I admitted this and apologised, but this has sent her the opposite way it would seem! She said she finds it difficult and basically doesn't fancy me anymore. We've been married 4 years, together 10.

I'm trying my best to stay positive, look after myself a lot more and spend time at home, but she is avoiding me, and has stopped the pet names. Almost the same day I brought up how bad I had been.

I'm really not sure what to do next, I worry she's found someone else to connect to as well.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 20:23

Hi there , did you post this today ? I'm very new , just joined. I can talk with you about this if that's ok? I need someone to talk to about an issue too if you fancy chatting with me on that too ?

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 17/11/2020 21:19

Yes I posted this today, and yes if you have some advice I'm happy to hear it, I'll help where I can, but I might not be very qualified given my recent performance!

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BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:35

Hi there! So glad you got in touch. Mumsnet is new to me so very unsure of process etc. So how long do you think you were not really present for her / family ? Is that what she is particularly upset about at the moment?

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:39

It sounds like she has been feeling neglected ? Or that you have been not emotionally present because of the stress at work? Is there a possibility that she is just saying that she doesn't find you attractive because she wants to make the point that she can't just be ready when you are ready when she has been trying to get your attention for a while ? It might still be savable if so ?

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 17/11/2020 21:42

Probably around 5 months, maybe a little longer. I think to be honest it was the loss of libido from stress, then I got defensive about it because i didn't want to share how down I was feeling, so made excuses etc, and we disconnected. And then as soon as I figure this out it was like a fog was lifted, and now im befinning to realise that it's worse than I imagined.

OP posts:

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:44

My OH , we aren't married , been together two years , I have no children, he has one teenager from previous marriage, don't officially live together, but he spends a lot of time here and sees teen at his flat two to three times a week in another town .

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:45

I understand, it is hard when you are dealing with work stress I've been there

berrygirlie · 17/11/2020 21:45

OP, are there any steps you can take to manage your stress? Libido supposedly also changes with age which may have an impact, but I'd try and focus on the stress part - can you take a sabbatical? Work less extra hours? Do some remote working, maybe? Or even (if your stress is anxiety based) you could go to the GP and try and access some support / counselling? I think you need to try and sort out the root of the problem before the tree itself. x

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:47

I think half the issue might be not opening up to her , I know that if I was in her shoes I'd just want to face the issue together, but if she is like me she may well have internalised your lack of libido as her feeling or looking unattractive to you

Anothernick · 17/11/2020 21:48

Your DW seems to be behaving unreasonably - accusing you of being gay and telling you she no longer fancies you just because you have been a bit stressed recently? What makes you say she has found someone else? Sounds as though she may have checked out of the relationship - you need to have a serious talk with her.

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:50

Berry girlie has sound advice there . But I think there is also a lot of emotional stuff to unpack for both of you too. Are you struggling to be in the moment in other areas of life too?

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 21:52

Yes it was wrong of her to accuse you of being gay. I agree with that. It sounds more like her lashing out though because she was struggling with her own emotions ?

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 17/11/2020 21:54

@BlueRoses7 you make an excellent point about being emotionally unavailable. @berrygirlie I raised it at work with HR and this in part, with a change in my attitude and priorities, is why the "fog lifted" as such and so I think the process has begun. And I agree, which is why I had to say something, I guess I was expecting some kind of forwards progress when I brought up about me feeling guilty for putting her second, not backwards steps.

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berrygirlie · 17/11/2020 22:01

when I brought up about me feeling guilty for putting her second, not backwards steps. @ForestChris83

Did you specifically mention "I put my work first and you second"? Because even if you have good intentions she may have perceived that as you acknowledging that you shut her out / were emotionally unavailable unless you've specifically demonstrated an active will to change. Just a thought.

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 22:04

The being emotionally available thing is so important for both of you. If you are to connect physically anyway you have to at least feel connected emotionally. Would she be open to taking a short break together away from your house? Are hotels even open right now ? Sometimes that helps shift the mood too or even if you can't do this walking together somewhere that holds good memories for you both ? You would have to ensure that you open up to her and listen to her feelings carefully, and give her lots of " I understand, I want to make this right , you're important to me ,so important " etc

BlueRoses7 · 17/11/2020 22:05

I agree about the active will to change yes . She has to know things won't just slip back to emotional unavailability .

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2020 00:19

If you've been emotionally unavailable for 5 months (that you're aware of) and during that time your wife confronted you about it and was worried enough to wonder if you were gay, I think expecting things to suddenly turn around in 2 weeks is a bit unreasonable.

Having been put second for a while and, when she's tried to broach the subject, been rejected, she's probably been building walls to protect herself. It may take some time for her to be convinced this isn't another ruse and that she's not just going to get treated badly again.

What have you done to show her you're changing? How are you trying to "give her attention in the bedroom"? I agree with others that emotional connection is probably more important than physical intimacy to start with.

Other than her telling you she doesn't fancy you any more, what else has she said about the last 5 months+? Does she see it the same way you do? Can you both talk kindly about it? If not, couples therapy might be a good starting point.

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 18/11/2020 08:22

@berrygirlie Yes i did specifically say that.

@BoomBoomsCousin yes i understand it will take some time but like I said was hoping for forward steps. She won't go to counselling, she doesn't like confrontation or talking about her feelings, especially to strangers. I think there is a sticking point in bedroom bucause it's been a while, and i'm not sure how to initiate again I suppose. I do try holding her in bed but I get nothing back at the moment. Understandable if she is not feeling it.
Being emotionally avaialble - we are talking of course, but it sometimes feels a bit forced, on her side, and I'm detecting that shes not so interested to hear my issues/day so much as she used to be, and that future plans are not being talked about so much either.

To answer someones earlier question about me being worried she's connecting with someone else, she is spending a LOT more time on WhatsApp messaging. I've no idea who with though. Or maybe I'm just being more sensitive to it?!

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Original poster

ForestChris83 · 18/11/2020 13:05

@BlueRoses7

@BlueRoses7 it may be best to start a seperate thread to see if we can help there, not to confuse matters

OP posts:

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 18/11/2020 19:18

@BoomBoomsCousin we are talking kindly yes. The whatsapp use is getting seriously bad now though. I'm in same room and I know she's on it right now!! And it's almost constant

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BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2020 20:58

So if you're both talking kindly, what does she say about what you can do?

From your wife's perspective this is a sudden turn around. She may have checked out of the marriage and be disconnecting chatting on WhatsApp. She may have taken to chatting to friends a lot more over the last 6 months when she's been lonely and felt abandoned and you just haven't noticed until now, when it means she isn't paying you the attention you suddenly want. She may be talking furiously with friends about what it means that you've suddenly changed and can she trust it.

Your posts come across as a bit self-involved to me. It's all about how she isn't reacting the way you want her to not so much ch about how she feels or her needs. That's often in the nature of a thread asking for advice, so maybe that's all it is. But you seem very impatient with her lack of getting with your agenda. It's been two weeks. She probably needs more time to accept you aren't going to flip on her again and possibly more time to decide if she can/wants to forgive you.

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 19/11/2020 14:04

@BoomBoomsCousin Yes, that is exactly how I feel - now I can see how my behavouir has hurt her, I feel so guilt ridden, i'm supposed to be the one protecting and taking care of her and her happiness. I am impatient, but not for a resolution, just for some indication, perhaps reassurance that, if I do the right things and behave in the right way we will get through this. Your reply has helped me, the messaging is a massive anxiety for me and it's a bit of a red flag, but, that aside you are right about the time to decide issue.

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Original poster

ForestChris83 · 19/11/2020 15:22

I didn't want to prejudice this thread by including this earlier but... 3 years ago a similar thing happened, and it transpired DW had had an affair. She can be quite compulsive and doesn't waste much time. Hence my anxiety.

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picklemewalnuts · 19/11/2020 15:35

Stop trying to get her to be nice to you again- that's not how it works, she can't turn it on like a tap.

You have to be nice to her, for long enough for her to genuinely trust you again. Being shut out by someone is unpleasant, as you are finding out. It will take a while.

Hoping she'll listen while you talk about your day is no good, you need to ask her about her day. Bring her a coffee. Ask what she wants to watch on tv/have for dinner/do at the weekend etc.

Original poster

ForestChris83 · 19/11/2020 16:15

@picklemewalnuts ok, I'm going to keep doing the right thing, like I used to, and keep the faith. I have to keep reminding myself how I used to behave, and act like that. I thought I was already pretty attentive on doing chores/making tea/plans etc but I will make efforts. I think her love language is receiving gifts, she always liked it when I brought home flowers for example, but I don't want to do that all of the time and go over the top and appear fake. Guess it just takes time and a bit of faith.

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