I told my DH I want to separate today...I need some hand holding!

[Thisorthatwhoknows]

This is a long story so bare with me. I told my DH of 13 years I want to separate today. He is not the man I married anymore and I’m a loveless marriage where I feel resented and unwanted.

To give it some context...5 years ago, 3 months before the birth of our 2nd DC my DH was raped by 2 men. To cope with it he emotionally distanced himself from me and used drugs and alcohol to cope. I didn’t find out about it until 6 months later when he was forced to tell me as I got thrush and he thought I had contracted herpes from him (which he got from the rape). Roll on another year and he gets very sick to the point where he nearly died. He was diagnosed with HIV. Through all of this I was there for him and our children. Last year we tried to reduce stress in our lives by moving nearer to his work and reducing our mortgage. After a particularly nasty argument at the weekend and constant drinking on his part I’ve realised things are not going to get better and I and the kids are suffering.

It’s heartbreaking as we’ve been through so much but he’s not the man I married. I know that’s not his fault but he’s flatly refused to get any counselling for the rape or the drinking.

I’m terrified of how I’m going to look after 2 children financially (he earns all the money). I’m mourning the loss of the man I loved.

Please tell me it will be alright? What can I do next to get through this?

Hi, I have no practical advice but I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along with that.
Just wanted to say how sorry I am that your family has been through so much..
It is understandable that your DH is self medicating with alcohol but ultimately if he won't/can't seek real help you are doing the right thing.
Your kids deserve a calm home and you deserve love and respect. Take care

A hard situation for you OP, but as a rape survivor I deeply sympathise with your husband. Male rape victims are even more disadvantaged than women as its still very much not spoken about and its very hard to access help.

Does he know how unhappy you are? Do you think if you said "get counselling or we're splitting" that he would try?

Hi OP. Firstly, it will be alright. I'm 2 years down the road of separating from my DH, and I can tell you it will be alright.

The financial support part was the bit that scared me- he was a high earner and I looked after the kids for the most part. I got some good advice from a solicitor, and we had mediation to iron out the details.

I'm so sorry though. Because this is so hard, and you've been through so much. But you are having to put the needs of your children and yourself before his needs, and that's the right thing to do.

How did he respond to your suggestion of a separation?

I too was in the situation where my DH's drinking was making our lives very difficult. And I couldn't help him to stop or change. So I had to take the decision to separate. It was the right decision. It gets so much easier with time.

Do you have support around you?

Sorry op I misread and didn't realise you'd already told him.

I hope your H can access help in time. This link may help him and other male survivors. My late husband volunteered with them, they are very helpful.
www.survivork.org/

Sorry correct link. Damn phone keyboard
www.survivorsuk.org/

Your dh is not responsible for the rape but he is responsible for not getting help and doing what he can to improve things between you.

Your feelings matter too, as do those of your dc. Take care of yourself

Oh OP, did you post about this at the time that you found out about the rape and at the time of his diagnosis?

Either way, it's just an awful situation for everybody. I hope in time your DH can get the help that he needs, sending you strength, look after yourself.

Your poor, poor DH. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’s going through and having caught multiple incurable STIs from the rape must be doubly fucking horrific.

Can you not give him an ultimatum either counselling or you separate?

This is absolutely not his fault and I can understand given the stigma attached to male rape victims why he’s reluctant to seek counselling.

I can’t help thinking if the genders were reversed you’d be getting very different responses.

Oh good god, your poor DH and poor you. This must be so awfully hard for both of you. Will your DH consider getting some help if he knows you’re seriously wanting to end the relationship? This is such a terrible situation OP you have my sympathies xx

Omg this is terrible hun...I feel so sorry for u all and especially ur husband with what he's been through...can't imagine how he must feel having caught herpes and HIV...it must be so hard as he doesn't want to get any help but now he's loosing his wife also...can u not talk about options even if u do agree to spilt ur both going to need support xx

Oh how heart breaking! I feel so sorry for all of you in this horrible situation! There is no right answer to this I fear and I’m tearing up at the thought (which may be the reaction you DH fears from others). A man (or woman) broken by a trauma who is not ready to receive help, will not be helped by any that is given. To add to this he can’t block it out (a coping mechanism for lots of victims) due to the ongoing impact on his health. Hopefully the shock of a changed routine will help him become ready and help you take some respite. He is not at fault but neither are you. Have you considered getting support from a rape charity? You can’t do it for him but the impact is so far reaching. To give you some hope, my father suffered with his mental health after a trauma and was not the same for many years but he did ‘come back’ as it were given time and some additional life issues.

So you have been trying to work things out for 4yrs 9 months? This is a terrible situation for both DH, you and the kids I cannot even begin to imagine so it will be difficult to offer advice. All I can say is that if he will not get help or counselling then it is not healthy for you and the kids to stay especially if he is drinking alot and doing drugs. I am sure he of course does not want to lose you so hoping he will open up now and get some help for himself. My heart really does go out to all of you in this situation

The whole situation sounds dreadful. Do you also have HIV? I am assuming if he didnt report the rape and didnt tell you he has put you at risk.

As for you went to split I totally understand as your DH isnt seeking support and your being badly affected after trying to support him for a long time

What a tragic situation. I am so shocked he didn't tell you immediately, and put you at risk of getting HIV.
I would leave, in your situation. As he isn't open to help.

You will be alright. You may be able to get some benefits including help covering rent, if you are not staying in the family home.
No amount of money is worth staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage.

It is as previous posters have said, completely tragic - what a nightmare. His mind must be in a terrible state, but as you say he wont get help the best thing to do is remove yourself and your DCs.

There are no winners here, my heart goes out to all of you.

@beavisandbutthead

The whole situation sounds dreadful. Do you also have HIV? I am assuming if he didnt report the rape and didnt tell you he has put you at risk.

As for you went to split I totally understand as your DH isnt seeking support and your being badly affected after trying to support him for a long time

I really don’t think this would be your stance if the roles were reversed and it was the OP (female) who was the rape victim.

I am so shocked he didn't tell you immediately really? You can’t imagine why a man that was raped wouldn’t immediately tell anyone?

Poor guy. I really feel for him.

Reading this hit me hard, my ex partner/father to our kids was a victim of male rape, before I met him. He had never told anyone, and like your DH used drugs/alcohol to cope, it became more and more obvious over time that something was very wrong with him. He was, at times, a lovely person who was gentle and kind, but would have periods of depression which progressed to disappearing for days, spending all our money, turning up injured and off his face. I loved him so much and did everything I could to help him, he eventually broke down and told me everything and I supported him for a further two years but unfortunately he became very violent towards me and eventually raped me it was a horrendous situation which I am now out of but I carried the guilt of leaving him for years, probably still do to a certain extent but I know I had to do it, for mine and the kids safety and well-being. Unfortunately he never engaged with services and as far as I know he is still the same had no contact with him for years now. I still feel devastated as I know it was wrong for him to do what he did to me, but also couldn't help but think that it would never have happened if it weren't for the evil man who did what he did to him. It ruined his life, I had to accept I was powerless to change him, he could only do that himself. My god I tried.

Sorry for the long post, I have so much empathy for you and your DH, heartbreaking situation but you are doing the right thing by safeguarding the children and yourself. Of course I'm not saying in any way that your DH would do what my ex did, being abused in no way means that person will go on to abuse others. I have never shared this story (apart from with close family/friends) but seeing your post I felt compelled to. I so hope you all manage to find some peace in life somehow. That's all I wanted after our ordeal and I'm pleased to be able to say I have that now.

I remember your threads at the time and my heart goes out to you.

No advice but from the sounds of it you're making the right choice. Lots of love to you all

I really don't have words. You poor thing, your poor family, your poor husband.

I really don't think reversing sexes and go on about answers being different if it were a man posting works.

What can OP really do now but safeguard herself and her children?

I am so deeply sorry for you and your family.

All I can suggest is in agreement to a PP, contact the rape charity so you can get support too.

Try and sort the divorce out in as civil a way as possible. When I went through a divorce, I asked my solicitor to ensure we always remained civil and polite.

I'm so sorry your post is heartbreaking.

@RunningFromInsanity

"I am so shocked he didn't tell you immediately really? You can’t imagine why a man that was raped wouldn’t immediately tell anyone?"

I can understand it is a very, very hard thing to talk about. But it isn't ok not to tell the partner and expose them to HIV.

Oh my gosh. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful ordeal too.

I’ll try to answer some questions asked. I don’t have HIV. Apparently 20% of people don’t catch it through sexual transmission so I was lucky.

I carry a huge amount of pain, empathy and love for him. He’s been through so much and has come a long way but I don’t recognise him anymore. I’m exhausted trying to help him.

I will say to him that for us to have any chance of staying together he needs to access support. It won’t be easy and he might not want to but that’s they only way I can see for us to move forward and for the old him to return in some form. I know he’ll never be the same but I can’t continue to be his emotional punch bag.

I know you said he's refused counselling for the trauma and drinking, but would he consider therapy to save his marriage? Obviously it wouldn't solve things overnight but potentially if he could engage with support for one thing it might improve the others.

Either way, I think individual counselling for you would be a great idea. You need support to work through what is an incredibly complex situation. There are no winners here, so actually I think you have to prioritise your children and do what's best for them. That's probably not staying in a home with a heavy drinker and so much pain

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

I know you said he's refused counselling for the trauma and drinking, but would he consider therapy to save his marriage? Obviously it wouldn't solve things overnight but potentially if he could engage with support for one thing it might improve the others.

Either way, I think individual counselling for you would be a great idea. You need support to work through what is an incredibly complex situation. There are no winners here, so actually I think you have to prioritise your children and do what's best for them. That's probably not staying in a home with a heavy drinker and so much pain

I developed PND after the birth of my daughter as my DH rejected me and my daughter. He couldn’t even hold her. I obviously didn’t know why at the time and found the rejection hard. I ended up with some brilliant support and had counselling and psychotherapy. I’ve had more counselling since and will access some more soon. We tried marriage counselling a couple of years ago. He did disclose what had happened in the session and the counsellor said that he needed specialist help first before we could repair the marriage as it would be sticking a plaster over an open wound.