Too Needy

[Needswillpower]

Hi All, I don’t post on here much but I’m learning a lot re. Relationships so thank you. I’m in my 40s and have just begun a relationship with my “fwb” after three years. I’m not very experienced in relationships so may sound quite naive for my age. Anyway, I’m not too sure what level of contact we should be having. I know each person is different. We went for a walk on Sunday and basically I’ve heard nothing since. He’s not very affectionate anyway, just a quick pec on the lips most times. Messages are quite basic too ‘hi, how are you?’ The usual ones. I spoke to a friend about it and he thinks I’m being too needy. This is what I don’t want to come across as. Any advice? Thank you

I don't believe in "too needy".

Let's assume, for arguments sake, that you're a normal person and you have a certain set of expectations and needs in a relationship. Let's assume that these are all within a range of normal.

It's bloody stupid, if you pardon me, to pretend that you do not have those sets of needs and expectations. If he's going to be "scared off" by you having them, then better find out now than later.

You've known each other three years, you've moved things up a gear, be honest and say "actually I could do with a bit more contact from you." Ask for what you need. If he can't cope with it, he's not the right bloke.

And if he's not capable of giving you affection and attention outside of sex, that's not a small flaw. Don't sacrifice your reasonable needs to the altar of being in a relationship.

Sounds like he still regards you as fwb - or is a boring sod with nothing to say!

So for 3 years you've been friends with benefits and now you're supposedly in a committed (monogamous?) relationship? How did that come about? Because it doesn't sound like he's very enthusiastic.

I expect contact every day if in a 'relationship', that is the person considers me a gf and expects me to be seeing him exclusively. I don't expect paragraphs, or long conversations, just a "How was your day?", "How are you?", "Here's a funny meme" type messages.

However, some people just aren't very interested in texting so I would let him know you expect a minimum level of contact everyday. If he starts doing that, you know he's invested. If he doesn't want to, doesn't care enough to, then you know he isn't as invested. And I would keep dating around.

Tbh the fact that he also isn't very affectionate in person would be a red flag to me. He's not really expressing much excitement or interest in you at all, clearly not enough to make you feel re-assured. Why exactly are you commited to him?

@category12 he has never really got over his “only” love. She left 18 years ago (they have a child). He does seem to back off when things seem to be getting too close.

@TwentyViginti at this moment with lockdown I understand it to a point but he’s never been one with words. He’s quite careful on text replies etc no kisses and so on.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I’m wandering this myself at the moment. We spoke about things evolving recently and I felt they had too. Well, until now I guess.

he has never really got over his “only” love. She left 18 years ago (they have a child). He does seem to back off when things seem to be getting too close.

Dear god, run away. You're really wasting your energy here.

@category12

he has never really got over his “only” love. She left 18 years ago (they have a child). He does seem to back off when things seem to be getting too close.

Dear god, run away. You're really wasting your energy here.

Yes to this - RUN!

You are completely wasting your time with this man.

@JurassicParkAha I’m starting to ask myself the same question today to why I’m bothering. It is mentally and emotionally draining. I can’t and won’t keep doing this to myself.
@TwentyViginti @category12 I’m starting to realise that nobody can live up to what he had with her. She is married now but he’s never loved since and blames her why he can love again as she left him.

She is married now but he’s never loved since and blames her why he can love again as she left him

Never loved since and will never love gain? Does he live in an episode of Dynasty or Falcon Crest? That is most certainly an excuse he trots out so anyone he is involved with will lower their expectations of him to subterranean levels.

OP I would throw this one back, a world of uncertainty, anxiety and wrong footedness awaits if you stay.

Absolutely throw him back. You deserve someone who will not compare you endlessly and unfavourably with someone from a distant past.

This is such bullshit that will make you feel never good enough, and casts him as some tortured soul. He is not, he's had decades to deal with it, he's not fucking Byron, it suits him to be this way.

Have a sense of self preservation and dump him already. He will drag your self esteem through the floor and shit on it.

Admittedly he does seem to be in a fantasy world and said he wouldn’t give up his independence unless he was besotted with someone like he was with her. We went on holiday abroad and he showed me the places they visited together . We went on holiday in the UK and the same happened again. I believe they were together 4 years and engaged. He just seems emotionally unavailable. I thought things had got better... clearly not xx

Sheesh. He's not a keeper. We all have issues but being hung up on someone for 18 years is extreme. He needs therapy, he's not relationship material

Also, how thoughtless to show you places they had been. The odd mention of an ex is to be expected but the level he's at is dysfunctional

You need to raise your expectations in relationships, not lower them.

Please look for someone who is falling over himself to be with you and makes you feel good. Not someone determined to make you feel like a poor runner up for his affections.

@Dontbeme I have quite high anxiety and after reading the advice it’s hardly surprising.

@category12 yep self esteem not great at the best of times. I’m an idiot to think he would be any different.

@rumred I thought so too. If he isn’t over her now he never will be. He said he “wants to find love” again. Clearly nobody is going to live up to his expectations.

I’ve been single (apart from a brief thing in my 20s) my whole life. This was by choice as I was much happier. Maybe I’m not cut out for relationships after all xx

He’s told you (and demonstrated by his actions) that you’re not someone he’s fallen in love with as he’d only “give up his freedom” for someone he’s “besotted with” - unfortunately that’s clearly still the ex, not you.

He’s very unlikely to suddenly find that spark. I mean, what’s going to change after three years? This “relationship” is only going to wear down your self-esteem even further.

@PaterPower I know deep down I was never what he wanted and never will be. I’ve left him to it and not initiated any contact x

Good for you! what a twat he is. He shouldn't be FWB or anything else, while he's idealising a relationship that ended 18 years ago.

@TwentyViginti thank you. I feel a bit meh but also exhausted mentally and emotionally of all the back and forth over the years. I’ve had it all from he wants to meet someone he likes or someone who is in their 30s.

Got the usual “hey how’s u” text last night only replied I’m good thanks. Oh and the usual lame “morning” today not even good morning! Not much effort at all! I cannot be arsed with this s@@t any more x

Doesn't sound like you gel well. I'm not sure I would want to play second fiddle to the ex either. It sounds like he likes keeping you at arms length. Which might have been ok as a fwb with no feelings involved...but in a relationship it's cold. And potentially cruel.

It seems like a power play. Like he wants you to put him on a pedestal for his ego. But he wants to make it clear you arent his first choice.

Probably best to cut him lose.

@Bunnymumy you are right. He’s too “cold” for me. I’m not overly touchy feely but consider myself not to be closed off if this way. I say love you to my family and friends and put kisses on texts regardless. I’m finding I’m more careful not to do this on messages to him as he panics and pulls away. X

I’m finding I’m more careful not to do this on messages to him as he panics and pulls away. X

Oh just get rid. He'll maybe grow up one day, but don't waste your life waiting.

He's now just breadcrumbing to keep you available to him.

Don't be.

@TwentyViginti I doubt he will change now being late 40s. Prior to me his last relationship was off and on for a year back in 2013/14. I think he knows I am getting pissed off. Onwards and upwards xx

How about you make today the first day of a fresh start without him? For three years, you've hung hopes on him, don't you think it's time to cut the rope?

Message him to say it's been real, but you need more out of a relationship than he's capable of giving, and you've come to terms with it and are moving on for good. Wish him the best, and say you'll be cutting contact. Then remove him from your social media and block him everywhere.

Cry, eat, scream, do whatever for a bit and then start making some plans for some fun/nice things to do for yourself, long term and short term. Maybe do some counselling or therapy regarding your self esteem and to help you move on mentally from him. Go cold turkey and give the rest of the big world a look.