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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do cheats beg to come back ? Mans perspective?

32 replies

Lora88 · 16/11/2020 15:32

Just posting somewhere about my thoughts and confusion I suppose really as I work through the very long process of wether or not I can forgive ...
I can understanding accidentally falling inlove with someone else , breaking it off with your partner leaving and not looking back. Same as I can understand why some won’t seperate because there financially tied or dependent...
But what about when your in a very long term relationship not inlove with someone else and your not financially tied or married , why cheat or seek cheating out if you claim to be so inlove with your partner and beg for them back everytime like you’ve just lost your world , what is the point ? Can a cheat really love you and be a cheat ?
Food for thought I guess , what do you all think ? Curious to here from any men on here

OP posts:
booboo24 · 16/11/2020 16:17

I couldn't myself but I guess some could think temptation is there, noone will know...As I said I couldn't, I'd feel so guilty I couldn't live with myself afterwards, I'm very black and white, to me, if you love someone enough you wouldn't be able to do this. I'm not saying I haven't had the opportunity, but I do know that my own conscience would drive me mad afterwards, and I know I've loved the men in my life too much to sully that

stout · 16/11/2020 18:54

I think this would be different for every man that responds.

Myself psrsonally, I was with my ex wife for twelve years. We had four children and it was very hard at times. Not once did I cheat and the thought didnt really cross my mind that I could have done so. She went off with someone else.

Since then, the past couple of years, could I really trust someone the same way or feel the same as I did about the kids Mother (for all our differences and faults) probably not.

I think it's very much a male thing to have what you havent got and once you've had that person then often you lose interest. Its hard to write and I suspect harder to read but I think that's often the case.

If i got serious with someone I wouldn't cheat as its the thought of doing it to someone who would have spent time with my kids etc. It would. feel wrong. But I know that's not the same for all blokes.

user1843685313563 · 16/11/2020 18:55

Some men use this as a tactic of coercive control.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/11/2020 19:01

I don’t think there is one answer.
I imagine a lot of it is down to opportunity. Also perhaps entitlement. Lots of people want to have their cake and eat it. They want the excitement but yet don’t want to sacrifice The stability that they have with their wife/ husband.

DisneyMillie · 16/11/2020 19:15

Because a lot of the time it’s not falling for someone else it’s just sex / a thrill / an ego boost / some other reason.

Because their version of love for their partner is a selfish love about how they make them feel.

Because they think they’ll never get caught and don’t think of the consequences

A million reasons - there’s loads of articles about it if you look - women mostly cheat for emotions, men mostly don’t

PamDemic · 16/11/2020 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1481840227 · 16/11/2020 19:41

I think sometimes they can be quite possessive, they want to go off and do what they want to do but if they get dumped then they know their ex might start to move on and see other men and they can't stand the thought of that at all.

I think this seems to happen a lot especially when the couple were together from a very young age so they kind of grew up together.

Skyla2005 · 16/11/2020 20:58

The wife and kids are their safety net. It’s comfy. But they want a bit of excitement on the side too when the sex gets less or more boring. They are cowards because usually end up crying and begging to be forgiven it’s pathetic really

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 16/11/2020 20:58

Loads of men don't have any friends or close relationships except for romantic/sexual partners. So, if they start to feel unhappy or lonely, e.g. after the first flush of an exciting relationship/affair has ended, they have a limited number of people who they trust or know well enough to turn to. I think that's behind a lot of issues in heterosexual relationships, but certainly it can be a motivator when these guys contact previous partners and want to come back.

Often they just want to return to someone who was nice to them.

Then there is the fact that looooads of men have zero clue how to cope with relationship troubles, breakups etc. because they are totally out of touch with their own feelings. So... when they are in the doghouse with a current partern, they try to lean on women who have taken care of them emotionally in the past.

It is a cold pathetic sort of life, but there you have it. When we bring up boys to ignore their feelings and avoid intimacy and vulnerability, it can set them up to be very tempted by cheating, and also to be horribly lonely people who can't cope with anything unless they are propped up.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 16/11/2020 21:01

Because they see you as a fall back girl aka back up option. It really isn't a compliment and they certainly don't love you.

MikeUniformMike · 16/11/2020 21:05

Ego. He wants to be the dumper so if he is dumped he'll want you back.
It's all about his ego.

category12 · 16/11/2020 21:12

Oh I think my ex loved me, he still does and still wants me back, but basically his love isn't worth shit.

I don't think it's true that if you love someone you don't cheat or don't hurt them, I think that's simplistic and idealistic. A lot of people are. just underneath, a bit selfish, self-absorbed and complacent.

The problem is, we're sold this bullshit that love is what matters, that it's rare and precious - and it isn't - it's worthless unless it's accompanied by loyalty and respect and lots of other things.

DustyMuse · 16/11/2020 21:26

Well said category12. About love, I mean.

Swaning · 16/11/2020 21:50

Completely disagree with the comments saying people who cheat / are cheaters do love their partners.

They dont. Not really. Not in a way that is worth your time, energy, and commitment. They just like the idea of you hanging on, on manipulating you, of being able to do what they want physically in life (sex with others) and emotionally (manipulating you and probably the person theyre sleeping with).

Stop kidding yourselves, making excuses for shitty behaviour, and wasting your lives. He. Does. Not. Really. Love. You.

Move on.

PicsInRed · 16/11/2020 22:13

Peter Sutcliffe really loved his ex wife. Who'd be her? Some "love" really isn't worth having.

category12 · 16/11/2020 22:21

I don't know what you're reading, Swaning, but I'm not sure it's this thread.

IWantT0BreakFree · 16/11/2020 22:31

When I was very young, I had a boyfriend who was a lovely lad but definitely not right for me (and I wasn’t right for him either). I was scared to be alone I guess and scared to throw away what was a fairly long-term (given our ages) relationship, but I knew really that we didn’t belong together. A couple of times I plucked up the courage to end it, only to find that I was immediately overcome with feelings of guilt and pity and sadness, that I confused for love and regret over the breakup. So we would get back together and I would throw everything into the relationship, believing that it was what I wanted until those intense feelings wore off and then I’d be back to square one again.

I wonder if, for some cheaters, they are confusing feelings of guilt and pity for their spouse, for genuine feelings of love and longing. Hence it eventually wears off and they end up straying again. And rinse and repeat.

Pact11 · 16/11/2020 22:56

Mostly for the kids I would imagine and to not go through the financial mess divorce brings. It won’t be for love or they mostly
Wouldn’t have done it in the first place. There will be some exceptions to this.

They will put on an act and pretend it is and a lot of women fall for it as they don’t want their lives ripped apart either. Bit of a sham really.

Dadaist · 16/11/2020 23:02

Why assume that cheating and then having serious regret is reserved for or any different for men than for women.
The truth I think is that the fantasy world of the affair comes crashing down for both sexes when the reality of a new relationship and a broken family is lived. At that points - discovering his/her shit stinks too - just at the point the guilt over the pain and damage done by the affair - and realising that perhaps the primary relationship wasn’t so bad and probably exaggerated the ‘issues’ to overcome the guilt and justify leaving.
So when something happens to bring everything crashing down - reality comes in to view and some clarity. And then the desire to turn the clock back. But no one can change the past like it never happened.
You can’t continue in a relationship with someone who has betrayed you. At best you can begin a new and different relationship.

But it’s the same for both sexes - and all the references to reasons for infidelity- ego stroking, boredom, attention, excitement, sex, entitlement - all apply to both sexes.

If there is any difference in sexes - it’s that maybe men find it easier to continue a long term affair without seeking ever more or commitment or finding themselves in emotional entanglement. So they find it easier to drop OW dead on discovery of the affair - even after years. Women can drop OM dead after perhaps months, but it gets harder and harder to let go as time goes on. But that’s just my impression.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 16/11/2020 23:51

@Swaning

Completely disagree with the comments saying people who cheat / are cheaters do love their partners.

They dont. Not really. Not in a way that is worth your time, energy, and commitment. They just like the idea of you hanging on, on manipulating you, of being able to do what they want physically in life (sex with others) and emotionally (manipulating you and probably the person theyre sleeping with).

Stop kidding yourselves, making excuses for shitty behaviour, and wasting your lives. He. Does. Not. Really. Love. You.

Move on.

This post reflects a lack of consensus on what "love" means, I think.

Typically, psychologists will define romantic love as something along the lines of a profound attachment to another person, similar in type to the attachment that you have to your primary caregiver in childhood, but with a sexual element added to it. One of its hallmarks is that the lover seeks out proximity to the loved one, and tries to maintain proximity through various means.

It is a natural thing that the vast majority of human being experience, or can experience.

Even absolutely terrible people with no morals, love other people. Ergo, obviously some people do treat their loved ones terribly, to keep them close to them - people abuse, hit, rape, etc in a twisted attempt to keep the loved one close to them. My exh himself once told me that he "broke my legs to keep me from running away".

It also follows that, many times, the cheater who loves his spurned partner does return, because they want to be closed to their loved one. That's nature. We seek out proximity with those with whom we are bonded.

The problem is that many women imagine that "love" makes a relationship worth saving. But love is actually a very cheap, common thing. The fact that a cheater loves you and perhaps you love him back, doesn't mean that it's worth having a relationship with them. Like @category12 says, there are many things that are MUCH more important than love, when it comes to relationships.

Anordinarymum · 17/11/2020 03:22

If somebody cheats they don't love you. If they ask to come back, they are playing you and will always cheat again as you showed weakness

Sunflower1970 · 17/11/2020 05:11

When you find real love you have a relationship of loyalty and mutual respect and you wouldn’t even consider cheating. Simplistic but true

category12 · 17/11/2020 07:01

Yes. I think the idealised portrayal of love is actually quite dangerous. How many abused women say "but I love him" as if that's enough reason to stay?

And if you really feel that your partner loves you yet he's hurting you in whatever way, and people say "but he doesn't love you" - that doesn't ring true, and it's invalidating your own experiences.

Really, it's that it doesn't matter if he loves you.

Some people's love is just not worth having Grin. Love isn't transformative and it doesn't conquer all, and it doesn't stop a weak or fucked up person doing weak or fucked up things.

category12 · 17/11/2020 07:03

Oops meant to quote WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

OneLinePlease · 17/11/2020 07:05

I'm not a man. Nor have I cheated.

But I've always seen cheaters coming back as the realisation of what they stand to lose really dawning on them.

Probably lots of people miss the excitement of the early days of a relationship, or even just sex.

But then once that excitement's gone they realise the long term relationship is better overall.

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