Adult sibling boundaries

[Temporary1234]

Hey,

So DH comes from a family a bit too touchy feely than mine.. and I often wonder which bits are just different upbringing and which are actually lacking boundaries..

So an adult sister doing the following with her brother is that acceptable:

1- sitting on her brothers lap asking for a back massage

2- stroking her brothers earlobe while in a conversation

3- asking him to stroke her arm because it feels nice on her dry patches.

Note that SIL is in her early twenties and DH almost 30. So there is the age gap.

I wouldn’t think too much into it but she had form for being passive aggressive and I’m starting to think she is trying to cross boundaries just to act possessive as this all happens in my presence and it’s becoming frequent. She acts excessively needy and entitled while at the same time beinf so undermining time me so I’m starting to see through her behaviour as not at all innocent. But struggling to put my finger on things.

Is it me, or is this a bit much ?

It's not your relationship so just don't worry about it

Can you not invite a friend round and have them hiding upstairs and text when she starts doing it only for them to come down and say WTF are you doing?

OP sounds like there's absolutely masses going on here but for this specific issue I think it needs a friend outside the family to jolt him into the realisation that it's super weird & inappropriate. Ideally a male friend with a sister. When you're next discussing it maybe suggest he gets a second opinion in this way?
It all sounds like a big hot mess, and you sound like you're managing it very well while being extremely understanding and patient. Look after yourself as well.x

@HallieKnight

It's not your relationship so just don't worry about it

Eh?

I wish there was a conflict-free drama-free way to make this all stop!! I really need a break.

DHs excuse is always that she is immature and young and we just need to let this go and be the bigger person and not overthink things

This really winds me up more.

Honestly, get the video ... show her instigating and when you can see dh is very uncomfortable . Then show your dh. Seen from the outside he may view it differently.

@Temporary1234

DHs excuse is always that she is immature and young and we just need to let this go and be the bigger person and not overthink things

This really winds me up more.

Confronting the truth is presumably extremely difficult. If he accepts she's doing it deliberately it logically leads onto a whole world of other conclusions as well which ultimately impacts his perception of his entire childhood, family and adult relationships with them. He can't tackle just this one problem without the rest. I'd say gently does it, but this is quite a good example to encourage him to stand up for himself though. It's objectively completely inappropriate. What's the frequency of his interactions with them all?

I don't have siblings so can't say what the usual rules are however ..............ewwwww! That just makes me feel a bit yucky to be honest. I would seriously have to say something if it was my DH sister. It's a bit 'flowers in the attic'

Don't young and immature people have to learn and grow up?

He's relying on you to back down, suck it up and be uncomfortable because of his toxic dynamics with his family, rather than steeling himself against them. He'd rather have conflict with you, than with them.

They do have a dynamic where DH is literally bullied by her all the time and cannot say no without it turning into family drama on other big issues... but I feel this issue he can, but he is down the pecking order in their family and I feel he just doesn’t dare question anything.

You need to be strategic here.

You are 100% correct it is passive aggressive and manipulative. A v toxic family - MiL sounds like the ringleader?

Don’t waste your time on tactics - don’t rise to ANY provocation - this EXACTLY what they want - your anger.

These are not healthy people to be involved with or have your DCs around.

They will continue to hurt you all and cause so much strife in your life.

They don’t want resolution - toxic drama is their oxygen.

They will never change.

Start detaching - have a medium term plan or low contact and then no contact.

Take back your power - protect your marriage, family unit, your DH and DCs from them.

Your DH doesn’t know what “normal” looks like. Get him to a decent therapist. He has been scapegoated and abused by his family.

This has to stop, he has to recover otherwise this will inadvertently emotionally damage your own DC.

Don’t react. Read up about toxic families and you will see all of the cliche dynamics. Then make an informed strategic plan on how to move out punching distance from these people.

Good luck.

@Temporary1234

DHs excuse is always that she is immature and young and we just need to let this go and be the bigger person and not overthink things

This really winds me up more.

How old is she?

She is 22

Cavagirl

I love your analysis of the situation. It makes perfect sense. You are right I need to have gentler expectations of DH.

He interacts with them every other day or so. Through phone calls and assignments that his mum gives him as the older responsible sibling who is still being exploited.

I however only interact occasionally because they hardly ever visit.

@Temporary1234 gosh every other day? Assignments?
Gentle yes but that doesn't mean accepting the unacceptable and it doesn't mean staying quiet to him about it either...I meant gentle in the "how" but not the "what".
I do agree with @Sssloou above and think he would really benefit from some counselling - getting him to consider counselling might be a step forward in itself, from what you describe.
Good luck