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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult sibling boundaries

64 replies

Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 00:23

Hey,

So DH comes from a family a bit too touchy feely than mine.. and I often wonder which bits are just different upbringing and which are actually lacking boundaries..

So an adult sister doing the following with her brother is that acceptable:

1- sitting on her brothers lap asking for a back massage

2- stroking her brothers earlobe while in a conversation

3- asking him to stroke her arm because it feels nice on her dry patches.

Note that SIL is in her early twenties and DH almost 30. So there is the age gap.

I wouldn’t think too much into it but she had form for being passive aggressive and I’m starting to think she is trying to cross boundaries just to act possessive as this all happens in my presence and it’s becoming frequent. She acts excessively needy and entitled while at the same time beinf so undermining time me so I’m starting to see through her behaviour as not at all innocent. But struggling to put my finger on things.

Is it me, or is this a bit much ?

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 16/11/2020 10:51

Just tell her to get off him & tell him to stop being such a doormat. She is making a fool of him and you, who cares if it causes a drama.

Worldwide2 · 16/11/2020 10:52

Me and my brother are close and aren't likke this at all. Very very wierd and uncomfortable to say the least.
Next time say something like - 'ooooh should I leave the room you two' and laugh to emphasis how bloody odd it is.

Meowchickameowmeow · 16/11/2020 10:55

He needs to very firmly tell her to cut the crap, push her off his lap and remove the two of you from this weird dynamic. Who cares if it causes family drama? Is this the way you want to live your lives, with her bullying him and being rude to you?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2020 10:56

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put a stop to this nonsense.

TweeBree · 16/11/2020 10:57

There's an episode of Friends about this. Maybe put it on the next time she straddles your DH.

billy1966 · 16/11/2020 11:04

OP,

It's inappropriate but very deliberate on her part.

She's is trying to annoy you in a indirect way.

I would be indirect too.

Don't acknowledge it at all.

But I would say to your husband with a pained apologetic expression on your face "I'm really getting the ICK for you, I'm so sorry. It's just really creepy and icky the way ye maul each other...so sorry darling ".

If you could put a yuk expression on your face at the same time, preferably when he see's it, all the better.

Don't let on to her that her tactics are working.

Let him stew on that.
At the very least it may give him make him more aware of it.
Flowers

overwork · 16/11/2020 11:09

I think this is over stepping boundaries, sounds very weird to me. There's 6 years between my partner and his younger sister, if she tried to sit on his lap or strike his ear I'd be flabbergasted. (And quite possibly making myself single very shortly afterwards!)

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 11:17

Omg the episode in friends made me laugh so hard

I can unfortunately really relate and now I feel like an idiot for thinking it was just me trying to ruin that special bond

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 11:38

Is there any reading material I can send DH so he can understand that he is being manipulated?

He has a history of being emotionally abused by his mother and I think he loses his voice when it comes to his family and I don’t want to fight his battles but I do want to help him.

This is just the tip of the ice berg. I’m not sure who to feel sorry for me or him. I am trying to not make this about me because I need him to do it for himself so he stops getting bullied.. but it’s so fricking hard when they also step on my toes all the time!!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/11/2020 11:45

He needs some counselling if he is being continually manipulated in different ways by his family, he needs to acknowledge that and take responsibility for working on it in order to be happier and healthier and in turn help your relationship be happier and healthier. Would he be open to that? Having that sort of forced closed bond physically as she is so overbearing, while being so emotionally distant he can't say to her "Oi get off" or "ugh stop it" shows he is stuck in a role the family cast for him years ago and won't allow him to live outside of. But he's an adult now and he has the agency to change that.

category12 · 16/11/2020 11:47

Toxic parents by Susan Forward is often recommended on here.

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 12:55

Having that sort of forced closed bond physically as she is so overbearing, while being so emotionally distant he can't say to her "Oi get off" or "ugh stop it" shows he is stuck in a role the family cast for him years ago and won't allow him to live outside of

Wow this is exactly what it is and I’ve seen it all along just found it super confusing to break it down like that! You’re spot on. It’s exactly what’s happening. He has a role cast on him which he is absolutely bullied into..

It’s a cycle of him getting bullied and then love bombed. When he is love bombed in inappropriate ways he doesn’t see that the cycle is about to repeat once he gives in..

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 13:00

She knows she has the upper hand in her brother feelinf acceoted into the family.

She has spun a huge drama only recently and was making her parents choose loyalties between her and her brother.

She polices her families interactions with us and our kids..

Has been making DH feel ostracised and rejected by his parents for almost 3 years..

Yet on moments when she meets him, she gives him this false impression that normality could resume... but then does all this weird crap.. so DH finds it hard to be himself as he doesn’t want to ruin his chances...

It’s a total power trip and it gives me anxiety to see them “hoovering” him back in while trying to alienate me with this creepy behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 13:01

I will totally get the book. I’m glad I’m not the only one reading too much into this as o recognise I’m sensntive to a lot of history and Baggage between me and her and could be cynical at times and I didn’t want to ruin for DH any chance at him having a better relationship with his family due to misunderstandings.

I’ll get Susan Ford

OP posts:
Eileithyiaa · 16/11/2020 13:10

This would make me die inside, I simply couldn't watch.

If my brother asked me to do anything like this he would be getting the biggest "get tae feck" known to man.

It's just super cringe.

Cavagirl · 16/11/2020 13:10

How often does he see her? Can he see his parents without her there?

Cavagirl · 16/11/2020 13:12

Would she do it in front of anyone outside the family? Often in situations like this you as DW with family history might be seen as too close/biased, but a friend - on seeing or hearing the behaviour described - saying Mate that sounds really weird, could provide a lot more of a wake up call.

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 13:27

This would make me die inside, I simply couldn't watch.

I usualllt cringe and leave the scene. Honestly.

Glad to know it’s not just me !

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/11/2020 13:50

@Temporary1234

Thanks everyone. I’m trying to see whether it’s ok for me to take this personally or not.

I have this tense relationship with sister in law and she has been proving to her brother that she is on her best behaviour with me after a lot of rudeness in the past which led to me distancing myself from her..

So she has been love bombing DH (who supports her with life admin) and being “nice” to me. But these lovely gestures are going under DHs radar.

He sees it as an innocent misunderstanding.. I see it as deliberate passive aggressive and a sign she hasn’t really fixed up, just got better at hiding.

I do think she is trying to get under my skin but I’m trying to be sure.. I wanted to give her second chance but I’m trying not to be a mug and analyse the situation first and see whether she is to be trusted.

DH thinks this is an innocent mistake becshse she grew up being his younger sister who looked to him for support and that she is just acting out what she did in their childhood.

But I somehow only see her act this way when in my house and after the conflict with her. No she doesn’t do anything remotely similar wirh her dad. And she would certainly not do this Infront of her boyfriend (but I haven’t met him to know).

I’m trying to use this as an example to explain to DH he is being manipulated really.

How is it a 'mistake'?

You don't sit on someone's lap stroking their ear accidentally!

Ewww.

Nanny0gg · 16/11/2020 13:53

What would he gain out of having a better/closer relationship with his parents as they are so obviously easily manipulated?

Lordamighty · 16/11/2020 14:43

I wouldn’t leave the room, I’d be giving her a cold hard stare & asking if she was planning to piss on his leg next. Honestly this behaviour is totally inappropriate, I actually feel sorry for your DH, he is being played like a fiddle.

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 16:17

I’ve been quite emotionally conflicted on whether to feel sorry for DH or be angry with him for enabling her with his silence.

But this thread is helping me see things for what they are.. this is the first time I’m able to stop doubting the nagging voice in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporary1234 · 16/11/2020 16:36

How often does he see her? Can he see his parents without her there?

That’s what I’m hoping he would decide for his own sake but his mum has made it previously clear that her little darling daughter is attached to her hip.

Would she do it in front of anyone outside the family?

No I strongly beleive she wouldn’t and I personally have seen her behave very respectfully with her brother Infront of others.

OP posts:
StormBaby · 16/11/2020 16:40

He needs to read about Drama Triangles. Do not feed in to her game. That’s what she’s banking on.

Twinkie01 · 16/11/2020 16:48

Can you not invite a friend round and have them hiding upstairs and text when she starts doing it only for them to come down and say WTF are you doing?

Personally I'd go NC with the whole fucking lot of them.