How to stop the silent treatment?

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I appreciate that this whole thing is going to make me sound like a complete wet blanket.

I've already been making plans to leave, and DH isn't aware. I've been doing this for a while now though, mostly because I haven't had any time to myself to actually apply for housing.

DH had surgery well over a month ago now. When he came back from the hospital, he was a changed man. He acknowledged that he had been cold and mean towards me for a very long time and told me that it would all be a thing of the past. None of this made me think that I should cancel my plans to leave, but I'll admit that I wasn't as proactive with it as I was before he went in, because he really did seem caring and lovely.

The problem is, we hadn't been intimate for a long time, because I realised there was a pattern where after we have had sex or done anything intimate, the following day he would treat me like dirt under his shoe. I told him eventually that I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with him any more. It's been like that for months, but the night before last I let my guard down, after weeks of him promising me and reassuring me that it won't be the same.

I was stupid to believe that. Yesterday and today he has barely been acknowledging that I'm a human being. Yesterday he had a go at me for virtually every reason you could think of. He tore strips off me blaming my anxiety disorder for my own 'bad behaviour'. He told me off later because I haven't been getting DC to sleep as early as he'd like. Everything was an issue and everything was my fault. Then, later when things calmed down I asked him to talk to me about why he's so angry. He told me we would talk tomorrow (ie. today) but he's been ignoring me ever since.

It's really hurting to see that he couldn't give a shit about me. Despite the fact that I've known this for a long time, it's still hurting, and that's making me angry because I feel weak.

How do I stop caring about the silent treatment? How do I carry on feeling like a human being instead of the massive waste of space that I feel like I am right now? DC need me to be present, emotionally and physically.

In the run up to wanting sex he love bombed you and when he’s had what he wanted he reverted to norm. The only way you’ll feel better about yourself is to crack on with leaving. I think you’ll end up feeling much better about yourself once you don’t have this toxic drain in your life

It's him that's the waste of space. What a nasty fucked up specimen. He must have some really strange ideas about sex.

You need to find your anger, really. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

As hard as it is, you need to try and emotionally detach yourself from him so you can't be hurt when he does this. Obviously never be intimate with him again and if l was being really petty, l would say give him one words answers and no small talk when he decides he will communicate with you.

None if this is you. As soon as you get away from him, you will have such a sense of relief.

This is horrible, OP. He is the one who's a waste of space. You need to crack on with your plans to leave him.

Focus on carrying through your plans to leave.

Leave him. You don't need this in your life. He's had enough chances.

How do I stop caring about the silent treatment? How do I carry on feeling like a human being instead of the massive waste of space that I feel like I am right now? DC need me to be present, emotionally and physically.

Know that you have a plan to leave with the DC and it is good. If you don't have a clear plan of action, get on with it.

The silent treatment now has proved that you were correct to decide to head for the exit.

Now you know it is real and it isn't you so you can feel safe moving at speed to divorce with no second thoughts. Quite a good outcome if you think about it. Total clarity. Final confirmation. You are right to leave.

You need to emotionally detach, it's so liberating when you achieve it!

This is nothing to do with you and it's everything to do with what a nasty person he is.

Start with self compassion. You don’t need to beat yourself up emotionally because you already have someone doing that for you.

Be proud that you have worked out the toxic dynamics of this RS. That you know it’s over. That you have taken steps to sort housing but these have been a bit slower that you had hoped because you cared for someone after surgery.

Best part is that you know that all of this is holding you back from being the best mother you can be for your child - BUT you have done all you can and you know that you are on the way out ...... BUT you are being the v best you can be in these circumstances. You are exhausted and eroded because of the abuse and strain.

Take some time to rest and restore and KNOW that once you have refuelled you will be back on track to push on through again.

Your DCs will be fine because there is an end to this, you are emotionally attuned to them and emotionally intelligent. Soon you will be able to give them all of yourself and you will all heal and find peace and calmness on the other side.

Acknowledge that this is the worst of times and be kind and gentle to yourself.

He has you right under his thumb

Please don’t stop caring about this. You should care. You need to focus on fixing it, by moving out or kicking him out.

It was absolutely lovely of him to confirm he is the unpleasant person you knew him to be. I'd be humming Fuck You under my breath and making my plans to leave.

I wouldn't though because in reality this kind of abuse wears you down. Don't lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon he will no longer be your problem.

We all only have a finite amount of time, physical energy, headspace and emotional focus.

Make a v conscious choice to give NONE of your previous and limited time, emotional energy, headspace to him - conserve all
of and prioritise it to redirect it to
yourself so that you can focus again on getting out. Rest regroup, blinkers on and focus for one last push.

Have you professional help and / or friends and family that you can draw on for emotional support at this v v difficult juncture?

How do I emotionally detach? I've tried and there have been times where I thought I have been successful, but then I realise that I want him to care that I don't care. So I'm not really detached at all then am I? I do not want to care about him any more. Ever again.

Focus on them plans to leave. I'm going through it at the moment and biding my time. You don't have to learn to live with it or learn how to stop the silent treatment from upsetting you...he is treating you like crap and that is never your fault x

Easy to stop the silent treatment, leave the twat.
Hope you are ok op this is not your fault and what you do next is your choice.

He's done you a favour by showing his true colours so quickly. Now you can leave without those doubts that were creeping in that he had turned over a new leaf. Redouble your efforts to leave. Know that it's not you - it's him. You are not a wet blanket, you are not weak, in fact you are strong. You are moving in the right direction, one foot out the door with a better future ahead. Keep your head up and keep on keeping on, spend your energies on your exit plan, perhaps you can speed it up or get him to leave.

OP take that as your final reminder to never go back there. You gave it one last shot and why not... now you know he’s not a changed man. He’s a horrible person and he will not change. Take it from someone who battled with silent treatment from a monster for a long time. Sooooo much happier without that in my life!! You can do it and trust me, it will NOT be hard to find better. It’s abuse, just know now that your plan to leave was the best plan and start putting j to action.

Family and friends wise I have nobody. I have been working with a family support worker however and also my GP is aware of the state of things. On good days I feel like I have everything under control. On days like these I feel like I may as well just give up completely.

You can's force the not caring. That comes when it comes. You can behave in a way that hurts you the least. That's enough for now.

For me I got focused on what I needed to do for my best interests and played it like a frame of chess tbh...

I didn't care I just needed the end goal of leaving with my share etc. Invested in friendships and support and he became a tiny bit of my life instead of a huge part.

but then I realise that I want him to care that I don't care

Ask yourself why ? Revenge ? Validation ?

He told you he was a changed man because he was vulnerable for a short time and needed you, now he doesn't he is back to who he really is, which let's be honest is a complete dick.

@frumpety validation resonates the most, I would say it's that. I have no desire to get revenge, but I've been constantly hoping that he will start caring about me and respecting my presence in his life.

Is there a bit of you that's fuming with him for treating you this way?