How to stop the silent treatment?

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I appreciate that this whole thing is going to make me sound like a complete wet blanket.

I've already been making plans to leave, and DH isn't aware. I've been doing this for a while now though, mostly because I haven't had any time to myself to actually apply for housing.

DH had surgery well over a month ago now. When he came back from the hospital, he was a changed man. He acknowledged that he had been cold and mean towards me for a very long time and told me that it would all be a thing of the past. None of this made me think that I should cancel my plans to leave, but I'll admit that I wasn't as proactive with it as I was before he went in, because he really did seem caring and lovely.

The problem is, we hadn't been intimate for a long time, because I realised there was a pattern where after we have had sex or done anything intimate, the following day he would treat me like dirt under his shoe. I told him eventually that I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with him any more. It's been like that for months, but the night before last I let my guard down, after weeks of him promising me and reassuring me that it won't be the same.

I was stupid to believe that. Yesterday and today he has barely been acknowledging that I'm a human being. Yesterday he had a go at me for virtually every reason you could think of. He tore strips off me blaming my anxiety disorder for my own 'bad behaviour'. He told me off later because I haven't been getting DC to sleep as early as he'd like. Everything was an issue and everything was my fault. Then, later when things calmed down I asked him to talk to me about why he's so angry. He told me we would talk tomorrow (ie. today) but he's been ignoring me ever since.

It's really hurting to see that he couldn't give a shit about me. Despite the fact that I've known this for a long time, it's still hurting, and that's making me angry because I feel weak.

How do I stop caring about the silent treatment? How do I carry on feeling like a human being instead of the massive waste of space that I feel like I am right now? DC need me to be present, emotionally and physically.

It is very painful to accept that someone you have loved and cared for does not feel the same about you.

It absolutely floored me, changed my perception of life forever

@Eckhart no. The only times I have been angry with him is when he's being inappropriate in front of DC.

Wow, he's a disgusting, manipulative user.

Then it's coming out as anger directed at yourself. You need to find a way to be angry with him instead of being angry at you. You haven't done anything wrong. You're being emotionally abused, it's not your fault that you didn't realise for a while. That's how emotional abuse works. People wouldn't put up with it if it was obvious from the start, or if the perpetrator wasn't nice to them sometimes.

I've been constantly hoping that he will start caring about me and respecting my presence in his life.
He only cares about what he wants. Nothing is his fault, it is all your fault. You know that it isn't your fault.

He is abusive.

This incidet has proved you weren't wrong aout what he was like, he isn't going to permanently change (the rest of the caring act will probably wear off too) and it's time to go.

Start moving forward with your plans.

Time will heal I promise you, and not having him around with his behaviour constantly digging a knife in the wound.

He’ll never validate your feelings and he’ll never change his behaviour. It’s very hard to emotionally detach when you still live together I think. You just have to get tough and focus on where you want to be, trying to spend the least amount of time with him as possible.
Once you’re away and you have that space and time you’ll come to realise that it really doesn’t matter how he feels and thinks because you really won’t care (as long as he’s ok with the DC).
When I left my ex I was livid because he kept telling people that I’d met someone else (I hadn’t). I wanted people to know the truth and for him to acknowledge that I was leaving because of his behaviour. After I’d gone and in time I gave no shits what he told people. My friends and family knew the truth and that was really all that mattered in the end.
Try not to waste your emotional energy on him. It will give you nothing but frustration. Make your plans to leave and focus all of your energy in that

Just read your post about validation. You have to give up on the idea that you need validation from him, or anybody.
Take responsibility for the situation. You know you are being abused. You know you need validation.

Validate yourself. You are valid. You are not the massive waste of space that I feel like I am right now and you know that. You have to believe what you know, though. Who is the strongest person you know? Personally, or a TV character or someone from your past? What would they do? Some form of 'Oh, go away, you stupid little boy-man...', probably. Do an impression of them. Imagine how it would feel to be them, dealing with this situation. Spend as much time as you can being them. It will help you see a different way of viewing yourself. A different way of feeling about yourself.

You're here for a reason. I don't know what it is, but it's not to satisfy him. What do you think it is?

You're in a tough situation, not having friends and family for support. In the long term, you need that in order to be a good parent.

In the short term, you can be your own best friend. Think about what you need (early night, short walk, five minutes in a room by yourself, cup of tea) or what you want and look after yourself.

It might not come naturally. Keep practising it, anyway. And look out for chances to build friendships. It'll all help you to get to a brighter future than this mess he's got you stuck in at the moment.

I think I'm here, as in I posted, because I'm not coping very well with the atmosphere here. Especially at the weekends, the people who are helping me during the week are at home with their own families. With somebody who told me I was the most perfect and beautiful person in the world to him just three days ago, and now doesn't have the stomach to look at me. I really am not coping with this.

How do I carry on feeling like a human being instead of the massive waste of space that I feel like I am right now?

Being criticised by a Dick doesn't make you less of a human being or a waste of space.

You don't have to cope with it. It's all just fiction he's making up, and you're getting drawn into the story. He's never going to validate you. His previous flattering lies didn't validate you. You made the decision to feel validated by them. It is still your decision what to feel validated by. It's your responsibility; it's your power.

Are you angry yet? If not find it. Dig deep. Anger might drive you through to the splitting up.

If you had a friend whose partner treated her this way, what would you think and say? Would you kind of think she deserved it and was worthless? Or would you be angry on her behalf?

Try to be your own friend.

Soon he will no longer be your problem.

^ this

I divorced my ex mainly because of his silent treatments that would go on for weeks and weeks - up to two months at a time. That and other reasons.

I can confirm that not having any of that toxic dynamic in my life any more is something I am thankful for every day.

In the end, after years of heartache (while still married and while getting divorced) ex is indeed no longer my problem and it is great.

People sometimes say oh they’re sorry I’m divorced and I feel like saying don’t be because I’m not!

Not that I wouldn’t rather have had a functional loving marriage, but given that I didn’t, and that I didn’t want my dc to think my awful marriage was what love is supposed to look like, I am very very happy to be divorced.

It takes a while to get to that position and I agonised over the decision for years, but you do get to that position, and I wish I had got divorced sooner.

Just checking in, will post more tomorrow but I've been there.

As have many posters.

If you DIDN'T care, it wouldn't be worth staying either.

Because who wants to live with someone you are so indifferent about that it doesn't matter that they ignore you for days?

And its not woth you staying because however badly you want that validation from him, you will never get it.

And the "highs" just make the lows even worse.

You can possibly though:
-take inspiration from a strong person (as a pp said). I chose Alicia on The Good Wife. Everytime anything happened i channeled Alicia.

• see it as a game. Like bingo. Try to guess how long it will last. Smile to yourself when he does something totally predictable like leave a room you are in. Or not answer a question you asked. I used to say to myself under my breath "oh pasive agressive"

You will still hurt, but you will cope. And every step you take closer to leaving is a step towards freedom from caring, but it will take a while, and still hurt like hell in the meantime.

We are here.
Keep posting.
It will keep you strong.

OP, what Aminuts23 said.
This.
She's right, it is hard to emotionally detach when you are living in the same house, I should know, I'm living the nightmare too. I don't even make a cup of tea for my housemate, and have taken to drinking iced water so i don't have to, as believe it or not i sometimes feel sorry for the bastard. We are only human.
Your STBX sounds like he's 2 people. Just try giving him one syllable replies when he asks you anything, and try not giving any eye contact.
Obviously you need to be emotionally and practically engaged for your child/children, so you learn to switch to human mode for them, but put an android front on for your STBX. Just do your own and the offspring's washing, don't even ask him if he's anything to add to the wash. He is treating you not just with indifference, but with total contempt. As other poster's have said, please put all your focus into your escape plan.
Have you read the short story "Rothchild's Violin" by Checkov? It's about a grumpy old git who realises he has never been kind to his wife. Don't be passive like the wife in the story, just treat him as an inconvenient, temporary houseguest. Wishing you all the best for your future

Unfortunately I think it is just very hard to be emotionally unaffected whilst still living in the midst of the situation. It's a bit like aiming to not feel pain whilst sticking pins in your arm.

For me, I coped by acknowledging that and reminding myself that it was not going to last forever. You've got support and you're making plans to leave; this won't last forever for you either.

I also used to find it helpful to mentally label his tactics and abuse, sort like I was an observer studying a research subject.

Benefits of that for me were: interrupting my emotional responses, helping to maintain a distance mentally from what he was doing, and reinforcing to myself that I was right to be planning to leave.

Weekends and evenings when support services are closed are tough. I think it's important to remind yourself it's temporary and survivable.

And just be kind to yourself when it all feels shit. The evidence we have to date shows that the calm/comforted feelings we experience when another person is compassionate and caring towards us are also activated when we are compassionate and caring towards ourselves. It's not quite the same of course, but it does soothe your nervous system a little.

So if you can be the kind, caring person you need in your life it does make a difference over time to how you feel.

Thank you alll for the sound advice. I've never seen The Good Wife but I'm going to look for it to see what Alicia is like. I often try to picture making myself a cup of tea and having a bubble bath in my own home. DC are always so calm and content when it's just me and them, without exception. I do know deep down that it's not a healthy environment for them to be in. It's actually scary to see how they start to behave when he's in the room, even in the house. If that's not coming from him then it surely must be something to do with how I'm feeling. I have no idea why his validation means so much to me but the sooner I snap out of it the better. I do actually have aspirations, for DC and for me.

I do actually have aspirations, for DC and for me

Put you focus here. The sooner you do successful things with clear intention to improve you life and your kids lives, the sooner you will start to have a 'Go me!' mindset. Which is self validation.

The feeling can start now. You've posted this thread; you've started the journey forward, recognised your mistakes, and clearly stated that you've got stuff you'd rather be doing than feeling crap about the way he treats you. Your feelings of self-validation can be earned by your successful recovery from your relationship with this... prat.

Metaphorically, you're standing on a trampoline. You could get a lot out of this. Leaps and bounds for your psychological welfare, positive changes to the way you see yourself, for life. You've done an experimental bounce by starting to plan to leave, and another by posting this thread. Bounce high, OP!

Look up 'Trauma Bonding'. OP.

I've been proactive today and made a big step forwards by submitting my application for housing. I've actually felt driven and determined today. Thanks to everyone who helped me to see positives.

That's an amazing first step, OP!! Well done xx

Well done op.

As other pp have said, he was being nice to you until he got what he wanted, then reverted back to type. He's a horrid horrid man!

Keep going with your plans to leave, you'll get that calm bubble bath before long

That’s a really important emotional shift. I hope that you can feel proud and empowered.

You have taken a big step to giving your DCs a significantly enhanced childhood.

A calm and peaceful childhood home where everybody treats each other with loving kindness and respect is the richest and ever lasting gift you can give them.