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Original poster

One of my professors witnessed a family argument and I'm so embarrassed

30 replies

namechangenovember · 15/11/2020 14:29

Last weekend I was on a walk with my family. Everyone was in a really bad mood and my Dad, who I think may have NPD, was in one of his angry moods which involves being loud, swearing and being angry. I was feeling embarrassed and inpatient and just wanted to get back to the car.

We were queuing to pay for the car park ticket whilst my Dad is moaning and swearing about the queue and ranting about who knows what when I realised one of my professors from university was stood behind us in the queue (2m away of course).

I was so embarrassed that I pretended that I didn't see him and made an excuse to my parents that I needed to go and get something from the car. However, he definitely saw me and would have seen and heard everything.

I can't stop thinking about it since. I am so embarrassed. I am a very shy, reserved person but in that situation I did not act in a very dignified way after having had dealt with all of the arguments and my Dad's issues. I remember I was telling my Dad to be quiet, stop swearing, shut up, etc. I felt like at university I got to live a life away from my family's drama and could be myself. All throughout secondary school I would seldom invite friends round as I was too embarrassed and liked to keep my family life private. However, now that has all crumbled down and I just feel so embarrassed that someone I admire and have to work with has seen a) my family dynamic and b) me acting in a way I never normally would after being at the end of my tether.

I need to email that lecturer for help with an essay and I am way too embarrassed to.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 15/11/2020 14:33

Please don't be. You aren't responsible for your dad's awful behaviour.
Your professor will judge you on how YOU are.

formerbabe · 15/11/2020 14:35

I experienced similar in my teenage years...it's hellish Flowers

Try not to be embarrassed, you did nothing wrong...I'm sure your professor will have observed that and won't think any less of you

QualityFeet · 15/11/2020 14:36

Lecturers understand that many students don’t want their old home lives intruding. Just acknowledge it so it feels ok.

Email your question ordinarily then just say at the end-By the way apologies for not saying hello at the X car park. Unfortunately I have a tricky relationship with my dad and I have spent years trying to keep people I know away from his endless negativity and tantrums (I presume you heard him at the pay point).To have said hello would have been to have invited more moaning so I escaped to the car. Hope your exit was smoother than ours!

JamieLeeCurtains · 15/11/2020 14:37

I can assure you that your university lecturer will understand that you were mortified; and also they should understand confidentiality so probably won't raise it with you unless you raise it with them.

But if for some reason they do offer you a helping hand, i.e. if they're genuinely worried about you, I'd take it. Your family set-up is toxic and you need help to leave it.

Perhaps you can talk to someone in confidence from Student Services or through the Student Union.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2020 14:37

What Vettiyalruken wrote.

Please do not feel embarrassed here for your dad's awful behaviour. You are your own person here; not an extension of your parents. You may want to take a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread if you are at all bogged down by fear, obligation and guilt.

Astella22 · 15/11/2020 14:38

It’s your Dad that should be embarrassed not you. It hasn’t crumbled all down around you please don’t feel this way. If this was one of my students I’d just think ‘that’s families for you’ and not give it another thought.

booboo24 · 15/11/2020 14:39

You poor thing, I'm so sorry to read this, I can literally feel your embarrassment coming off my phone screen, however, from having witnessed this before woth a family once on holiday, I promise you he was probably only focusing on your dad as he would have been the one drawing his attention. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, your dad is the one who has behaved badly in this situation, and I'd have thought that your professor would only be concerned about you, not judging of you if he saw you.

Please email him about the work and I bet you'll find he'll treat you normally and it will be quickly forgotten.

I hope your dad has apologised for making you feel this way and can see how it has affected you though

Otamot · 15/11/2020 14:41

Don't email what QualityFeet said about your relationship with your dad. That's not professional or adult.

Your professor won't judge you for his behaviour. Move on. It's OK.

formerbabe · 15/11/2020 14:46

Email your question ordinarily then just say at the end-By the way apologies for not saying hello at the X car park. Unfortunately I have a tricky relationship with my dad and I have spent years trying to keep people I know away from his endless negativity and tantrums (I presume you heard him at the pay point).To have said hello would have been to have invited more moaning so I escaped to the car. Hope your exit was smoother than ours!

I really wouldn't do this. Just email your question as you normally would.
If you feel you need some support with your home life then I'm sure your university will have some sort of student support or counselling service you could access.

Odile13 · 15/11/2020 14:47

Hi OP - please don’t feel too embarrassed or allow this to being you down. It will not be a big deal to your professor. I would ignore it and just go on with your studies as normal, email when you need to and don’t mention the incident. He may not have picked up on as much as you think. Also, he will have things going on in his own life and won’t be thinking about what happened with your family. Wishing you all the best.

pog100 · 15/11/2020 15:00

I have been that professor in many such situations. He really won’t give it much thought at all and what thoughts he may have will only be sympathy. I wouldn’t mention, or indeed think about, it at all. To be honest the situation is usually the reverse, embarrassment that students see the real life of professors but everyone understands that we are just human getting on with life.

formerbabe · 15/11/2020 15:02

Don't forget we're in a lockdown which everyone knows is making lots of families stressed and snappy at each other. If the professor did see then he might just have put it down to that.

Original poster
namechangenovember · 15/11/2020 15:10

Thank you for your replies.

I definitely don't want to bring it up to my professor, I think that's why I couldn't say hello because I didn't want to admit to the situation. I should also add that they are my personal tutor as well so I am nervous that they will bring it up in our next meeting when I really don't want to talk about it.

I am mostly embarrassed about how I acted. I am really shy, one of the quietest students in the class. Yet as I was with my family and already feeling mortified after a long walk during which I could feel people looking at my Dad/our family on the walk I had no patience left and I was quite snappy at telling my Dad to stop swearing and stop arguing, etc. I am just mortified at the side of my life that my professor saw.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 15/11/2020 15:17

Ah @namechangenovember I feel sorry for you. I can absolutely see how this would have felt mortifying.

As PPs said, it's not any reflection on you, only your dad.

As for what to do now, email re work / study but don't mention this.

As much as you think your lecturer noticed, I suggest that they really might not; I work in this environment & often wouldn't notice students out of context! Secondly, if I did, I'd only feel sympathetic to you in that context & hope you were ok. It wouldn't even stay in my memory I expect. 💐

OchonAgusOchonO · 15/11/2020 15:17

I'm agreeing with previous posters. Email with your question and make no mention of what happened. Definitely do not go with @QualityFeet's suggestion. It's really not appropriate.

I'm a lecturer and it's quite likely you wouldn't even have registered with me in those circumstances. He was behind you. If he was paying any attention, it was to your father and presumably his reaction to that would have been to stay out of it and ignore.

I also agree that, if you feel you need help, contact the counselling service in your university. It's free in the one I work in so hopefully similar in yours.

OchonAgusOchonO · 15/11/2020 15:19

I should also add that they are my personal tutor as well so I am nervous that they will bring it up in our next meeting when I really don't want to talk about it.

I can almost 100% guarantee he will not bring it up.

96315id · 15/11/2020 15:22

How awful for you.

He'll feel only sympathy and probably very little interest, to be honest. You're one of many.

I would not write the email Quality suggested-there's a limit to how breezy you can be without looking unprofessional and desperate. Better to ignore the whole thing.

He's highly unlikely to mention it but if he does I'd just say "My home situation was difficult and it's great to be in a new chapter at college now. Thanks for your concern but I'm just glad to be here."

96315id · 15/11/2020 15:23

It's totally normal to be different with your parents, especially if your dad is like that. Mortifying for you but honestly it would be more concerning if you hadn't snapped.

QualityFeet · 15/11/2020 16:02

Well clearly after the other comments ans your disinclination def don’t mention it - but you should why done anything to be ashamed of. Actually I agree that there is a good chance the lecturer didn’t even know you were there. It’s hard to see students when they are outside of where you expect to see them sometimes. More so at the weekend etc

billy1966 · 15/11/2020 16:28

OP,

Honestly your Professor will have felt momentary sympathy for you and then forgotten this.

They have busy lives with many students.

Don't reference it and don't think about it.

Do your best on your course, do well, and get a good job.

The sooner you put some distance between your father and yourself the better.

He sounds just awful.

You sound great.Flowers

OldWomanSaysThis · 15/11/2020 16:36

It took me decades to get to the point of just stating how I feel in any one moment instead of manufacturing the "perfect" response to create some kind of image.

Hopefully he won't ask you about it, but if he does, just state the truth - "My dad is hard work/difficult and I saw you and I was mortified and didn't know what to do."
Just state the truth. But, again, hopefully, you won't have to discuss it.

Zezet · 15/11/2020 16:43

Former professor here as well. This would not cross my mind again and it certainly wouldn't change or colour my opinion of you. I would find it a little odd (but no harm done) if you brought it up later.

It'll be fine. It is fine.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2020 16:44

If he's a good personal tutor, he won't raise it unless you do and he follows your lead.

However, have a think about why personal tutors exist. So many people at university have issues that affect their work and need someone to talk to. In my small circle we had someone starting counselling for sexual abuse, someone who struggled with MH issues and missed classes, someone who ended up with a heroin addiction, more than one person with self harm, someone with an eating disorder, and those were just the ones I knew about.

You are at that point when you can start to separate from your dad's behaviour. You may need a hand to do that. You don't have to talk to your tutor but maybe think about talking to someone.

Original poster
namechangenovember · 15/11/2020 19:46

Thank you all, you've made me feel much better about the situation. He definitely saw me. Argh I am so embarrassed even writing it out, it was just awful.

The worst part is there was a long queue behind him which meant he was behind me and my family for quite a while before I noticed.

I was an hour from campus so did not really expect to see someone from university there.

OP posts:
ChaBishkoot · 15/11/2020 19:55

I am an academic. I wouldn’t judge you at all. Not one bit. If you asked me a question I would answer entirely professionally.
But as someone who is also a PT if you wrote to me and did tell me about your dad, I also wouldn’t judge and would be more than happy to help in any way, even if it was to just listen to you off load.

So there are no right or wrong answers. We are human. I once had to take a call in the middle of class because my father was calling incessantly. He lives on another continent. I got worried that something terrible had happened, apologised profusely to my students and took the call. Turns out he had just been told by the oncologist he had one month to live (my mother died many years ago) and he needed to tell me. I apologised again to my students but they didn’t mind one bit. And a few even asked me next week how my dad was doing. I then had to fly out for his last few weeks and then the funeral and again my students and my Department was kind about this.

We are all human. Please don’t worry.