One of my professors witnessed a family argument and I'm so embarrassed

[namechangenovember]

Last weekend I was on a walk with my family. Everyone was in a really bad mood and my Dad, who I think may have NPD, was in one of his angry moods which involves being loud, swearing and being angry. I was feeling embarrassed and inpatient and just wanted to get back to the car.

We were queuing to pay for the car park ticket whilst my Dad is moaning and swearing about the queue and ranting about who knows what when I realised one of my professors from university was stood behind us in the queue (2m away of course).

I was so embarrassed that I pretended that I didn't see him and made an excuse to my parents that I needed to go and get something from the car. However, he definitely saw me and would have seen and heard everything.

I can't stop thinking about it since. I am so embarrassed. I am a very shy, reserved person but in that situation I did not act in a very dignified way after having had dealt with all of the arguments and my Dad's issues. I remember I was telling my Dad to be quiet, stop swearing, shut up, etc. I felt like at university I got to live a life away from my family's drama and could be myself. All throughout secondary school I would seldom invite friends round as I was too embarrassed and liked to keep my family life private. However, now that has all crumbled down and I just feel so embarrassed that someone I admire and have to work with has seen a) my family dynamic and b) me acting in a way I never normally would after being at the end of my tether.

I need to email that lecturer for help with an essay and I am way too embarrassed to.

Don't be embarrassed your dad should be though

@ChaBishkoot

I am an academic. I wouldn’t judge you at all. Not one bit. If you asked me a question I would answer entirely professionally. But as someone who is also a PT if you wrote to me and did tell me about your dad, I also wouldn’t judge and would be more than happy to help in any way, even if it was to just listen to you off load.

So there are no right or wrong answers. We are human. I once had to take a call in the middle of class because my father was calling incessantly. He lives on another continent. I got worried that something terrible had happened, apologised profusely to my students and took the call. Turns out he had just been told by the oncologist he had one month to live (my mother died many years ago) and he needed to tell me. I apologised again to my students but they didn’t mind one bit. And a few even asked me next week how my dad was doing. I then had to fly out for his last few weeks and then the funeral and again my students and my Department was kind about this.

We are all human. Please don’t worry.

@ChaBishkoot I am so sorry you had to hear of your father this way. I am extremely sorry for your loss. On a lighter note, loving your name! A Calcuttan (but now a Londoner) here so understand the meaning!

OP - I agree with what Chabishkoot says. No one is likely to judge you for what your father said and did let alone your professor. I wouldn't worry about sending him any email.

Please don't feel embarrassed-my sister is a professor and they are human just like everyone else and won't judge you at all

@QualityFeet

Lecturers understand that many students don’t want their old home lives intruding. Just acknowledge it so it feels ok.

Email your question ordinarily then just say at the end-By the way apologies for not saying hello at the X car park. Unfortunately I have a tricky relationship with my dad and I have spent years trying to keep people I know away from his endless negativity and tantrums (I presume you heard him at the pay point).To have said hello would have been to have invited more moaning so I escaped to the car. Hope your exit was smoother than ours!

Personally, I like @QualityFeet 's comment.

As a lecturer I'd welcome the comment. However, to also reassure you, if anything I'd feel bad for you having to deal with your Dad, I certainly wouldn't think less of you - even if I had the headspace to give it any thought. I'd probably be too busy trying to control semi feral children & dogs!!

Try not to worry! But if I was you I'd pre empt any discussion and tag it onto an email. Then it's 'done' & you can stop thinking about it.

For all you know the prof also has a nightmare Dad! I am old enough to be your Prof (or your Mum) and believe me difficult parents don't magically start behaving once you've graduated!
You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.

DON'T WORRY