Every man wants to date me again but it doesn’t work

[TreeShaps]

NC as worried this will be labelled a stealth post. It’s not. I’m genuinely upset by it and feel like shit.

I’m 35 and want to settle down. I have had relationships that have lasted a good four/five years and lived with a partner. I am able to commit so it’s not that I don’t think.

But the last 3.5 years of dating have been men desperate to see me again and me not interested. I think there’s been maybe 3 I’ve wanted to see again, then I’ve lost interest. I literally don’t seem to give a shit. I don’t mind dating and will happily chat away. I’ve got a job I love so a lot of the time I’m distracted from thinking about being alone by doing that, but then the evening or weekend hits and I feel so so alone.

I don’t know why I am not interested, it’s as if I’m just unable to muster the strength to be bothered I think?! I have dated people a few times at their request to give it a proper go and then I feel worse ending it as they’ve made an effort and I almost feel I’ve misled them. I really really want to settle down too! It’s so frustrating.

I had a date right before lockdown, it was nice, he was polite and I liked him. But he made about ten comments about being frugal and when we went back to his place for a coffee he said he wouldn’t put the heating on!! It seemed a strange thing to say. He wasn’t exactly broke either so it wasn’t that. It massively put me off. This is one of a long list of things I’ve written people off for, not that I absolutely wouldn’t see this man again (he’s already asked and been keen to call/meet), but I’m already at the point of thinking for fucks sake... 🤦‍♀️ Other examples have been where someone has complained about having to work/wanting to retire..another thing where I just think oh for fucks sake get a grip.

Why is everyone so keen to meet again and progress things but I don’t care? I want to settle down and this is making me so frustrated and fed up.

I was in this position 10 years ago. Lots of dates with nice guys. The one I did like wasn't interested in me.

I could kick myself really. But equally, I know they'd have bored the s**t out of me.

At times I'm lonely. I miss the sex. I think I'd love to have a partner. But other times, I'm fine. Ultimately, I think I'm not the settling down type.

Sorry, should have said, other than the one I liked, they all wanted to keep seeing me.

@Joswis I don’t know what the answer is, I just want it to be like when I met people before and we did crack on and settle down. I can’t seem to find that anymore, just people who want it with me and I don’t feel the same. Is it really a case of faking it with someone versus loneliness? I’m so fed up

They sound a little cocklodgery...like they were feeling you out to see what resource they could tap.

Are you quite successful and financially comfortable? Are you somewhat "self made"? I wonder if you've moved on in life, but you're still dating as if you hadn't, and that creates a disconnect.

Fwiw I wouldn't do a second date with a guy who's too "frugal" to put the heating on either. Imagine your life together.

Are you hoping to have children? So I'm your head is there also a secret Daddy checklist you're working against as well as the boyfriend one?

Where are you finding dates? If it's a free one,is it worth investing in a more expensive one?

Can you try a mass scatter gun approach so arrange lots of dates even with guys who aren't your type and see if anything clicks? Sounds like your usual taste in men just isn't working for you any more?

@PicsInRed what do you mean dating as if I haven’t?

I’m in a job that people would automatically assume brings in anything between 50-200k. I’m a few years into it now too. I have my own place and car etc. Irony is I’m not exactly loaded - at least it doesn’t feel that way to me! I don’t think I give that impression but the job probably causes people to think I perhaps have cash. I don’t know. This wasn’t a thing in my last two relationships. Obviously I could not say what I do but it’s a big thing in someone’s life isn’t it, their job. I don’t know.

I know women that settle. One did OLD dating, actively looking for someone a little older and a little uglier, to ensure adoration. She's married to him now. 2 kids.

I can't settle. I've been married and couldn't then, hence divorced. I think at best, someone that's a friend is essential, because that's where relationships end up.

I assume I'm older than you so although I've had mind blowing passion and head over heels in love, know it doesn't necessarily result in a great settled relationship.

Dunno really.

@SleepingStandingUp yes I have a checklist for that but really it’s just that he works hard, is kind and caring.

I’ve tried a scatter gun approach. Dating 3-4 times a week. I’m either bored during the date or something puts me off like mr frugal.

I think Pics means are you saying people who are say earning 20-30k which is what you used to earn but now you're earning 60-80 and are still dating those people who might see you as a good investment rather than dating your financial and career peers

How's your mental well-being generally?

@Joswis yes that’s the thing really, I don’t care about mind blowing or passionate through the roof. But I seem to meet so many people I just couldn’t imagine engaging in life with. And I’m not an idiot, I’m well aware I’m getting older.

I’m just so fed up. Genuinely think I’d love an arranged marriage.

Married at First Sight 2021....

I used the scatter gun approach and met an absolutely adorable man.
First date, I was unsure at first, then we went on to have a brilliant time and it blossomed from there. I had 3 dates that week, was averaging 2 a week at that time. He is one of only 3 that made it to date 2.
Cast your net wide and be fussy as hell!

@SleepingStandingUp I’m ok I think mentally...I often wonder if I have low level depression. I can be quick witted and fun and engaging when I want to be and I think that’s maybe what I portray on dates. I don’t really know. I like being alone but in relationships I’m committed, dedicated and part of a team. I miss that.

Just read that you've done scatter gun.
I gave it one drink maximum and left after that if we didn't click

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed Sounds lovely. How long did it take you to find him? I feel so so so old now.

I have a friend in China who was desperate to marry. She was 35, so far too old by their standards (marry early 20s, babies late 20s). It isn't possible to have babies there if you're single, the system doesn't support it, but she was desperate for a family.

She joined a marriage dating site, 3 coffee/ quick dates a day, at times. Eventually she found a guy. A little older. Professional. Property owner (v important there). They got married after a year. He's infertile. Chinese men won't marry divorced women so she's stuck. Doesn't love him.

Sounds to me as though you've got your adult woman head firmly screwed on....!! Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Mr Frugal raised a big red flag which you quite rightly, saw and responded to. Good.

I'd say, don't get down about it. You're doing well. But do keep trying. The fact that you can't be bothered to see them again when they're revealed to be nobs is a positive thing, you won't waste your precious time.

How do you find them? What apps?

[quote TreeShaps]@PicsInRed what do you mean dating as if I haven’t?

I’m in a job that people would automatically assume brings in anything between 50-200k. I’m a few years into it now too. I have my own place and car etc. Irony is I’m not exactly loaded - at least it doesn’t feel that way to me! I don’t think I give that impression but the job probably causes people to think I perhaps have cash. I don’t know. This wasn’t a thing in my last two relationships. Obviously I could not say what I do but it’s a big thing in someone’s life isn’t it, their job. I don’t know.[/quote]
I mean are you dating men from your "old" walk of life and perhaps your outlooks and lifestyles just no longer align? Unfortunately, being the "independent woman" will also increase the pool of men who want a free ride. You seem to be doing a good job keeping clear of them though.

I'm not sure this is a "you" problem, more an issue of mismatch in circumstances?

Do you meet any men at work? Are you setting your sights high enough?

However I suspect you are just meeting unsuitable men as you are not discounting for non valid reasons, meanness is not a good trait.
There is a fine balance to strike, between dating lots of men to give them a chance vs qualifying them before dating.

Dating helps to refine your list of requirements so not wasted except it can make you feel despondent when the dates aren't good. It definitely is tougher when you are older but there must be some guys out there. Are you dating men a little younger than you? I think that could widen the pool..say 30plus

For OLD, the dating site that follows your political pov is a good place to start. Weeds out those you'd actively dissent with.

I agree with pp - date lots, keep them short and don't drop your standards.
You could always freeze your eggs in the meantime as a plan b.
Nothing worse than down dating.
I'm much older than you, I though OLD was a complete waste of time because I'm very fussy (but in a quirky way) but I'm dating someone who is great (it's very early days) and I can imagine a future together.
He ticks all the boxes that are dealbreakers for me, he's not perfect (neither am I) but there's something about him that I am absolutely drawn too.
He's the first guy to make it to 3rd date, all the others wanted to see me again, but I wasn't interested in them.

You just haven’t found anyone interesting yet. I’d be bored by mr frugal. If he’s like that on a date imagine how boring he would be to live with!

You have standards which I think is good and don't feel negative about that at all.