Every man wants to date me again but it doesn’t work

[TreeShaps]

NC as worried this will be labelled a stealth post. It’s not. I’m genuinely upset by it and feel like shit.

I’m 35 and want to settle down. I have had relationships that have lasted a good four/five years and lived with a partner. I am able to commit so it’s not that I don’t think.

But the last 3.5 years of dating have been men desperate to see me again and me not interested. I think there’s been maybe 3 I’ve wanted to see again, then I’ve lost interest. I literally don’t seem to give a shit. I don’t mind dating and will happily chat away. I’ve got a job I love so a lot of the time I’m distracted from thinking about being alone by doing that, but then the evening or weekend hits and I feel so so alone.

I don’t know why I am not interested, it’s as if I’m just unable to muster the strength to be bothered I think?! I have dated people a few times at their request to give it a proper go and then I feel worse ending it as they’ve made an effort and I almost feel I’ve misled them. I really really want to settle down too! It’s so frustrating.

I had a date right before lockdown, it was nice, he was polite and I liked him. But he made about ten comments about being frugal and when we went back to his place for a coffee he said he wouldn’t put the heating on!! It seemed a strange thing to say. He wasn’t exactly broke either so it wasn’t that. It massively put me off. This is one of a long list of things I’ve written people off for, not that I absolutely wouldn’t see this man again (he’s already asked and been keen to call/meet), but I’m already at the point of thinking for fucks sake... 🤦‍♀️ Other examples have been where someone has complained about having to work/wanting to retire..another thing where I just think oh for fucks sake get a grip.

Why is everyone so keen to meet again and progress things but I don’t care? I want to settle down and this is making me so frustrated and fed up.

Thanks for replies. I’m just feeling so fed up today.

I do wonder if in the past I’ve written off decent men in my twenties. I think maybe I did when I was looking for the wrong things. I hope now I’m looking for the right ones.

Mr frugal...is that a shit reason for me to write him off? I was also disappointed that he had clearly lied about his height...put 6’2 when clearly he was under 6ft. Just be honest!

Plan A: Forget the dating. Plan a family if you want kids, sperm donor etc, take the pressure off finding a man that wants the same as you. Look for a fuck buddy instead.

Plan B: try a date with a woman to mix it up a bit!? Maybe what excites you has changed...

@SageFuzz I did consider women as I was wondering if that was what the issue was. It’s definitely not that though, sadly I am all about the cock.

I think you aren't dating the type of men that would really get you envisaging a happy future. Have a hard think about what kind of things make you really happy and excited: sport, food, travel etc.. Basically I reckon everyone is hard-wired with a weird list of 'requirements' I want someone who really cares about good food.... I loved it when my mum stroked my head...I want a quirky sense of humour... we need to own 3 pet labradors.... I want someone who will put up shelves and fix stuff... she's got to bake apple pies every sunday... to actually, I want to have kids and my work is going to take a backseat, so I need a guy with a great job (but who may always be busy travelling for business)

As for the men you mentioned: 1 likes a life in the fridge and actually probably doesn't have v much money or is servicing debts, the other one wanted someone else to do all the hard job stuff for him. Undesirable.
You are happy, content in life, know where you are going, presumably attractive and have a good well paying job. So you are a great package. I'd assume many men ought to be keen at first. Whether your personalities and values are compatible is a different story

Im not necessarily a great package, I have many flaws, bit of a worrier, had a miscarriage in twenties which I still feel sad about sometimes, I can sometimes obsess over work, I’m lucky to be slim but don’t exercise as I should! Many things that mean I’m far from perfect.

With mr frugal, he owned a mortgaged flat and I expect was earning circa 50k based on his job title. Don’t think he was servicing debts. Just annoyed me, when you have company in November but the fucking heating on out of politeness!

*put not but!

@TreeShaps I'm quite into some frugal blogs and lifestyle stuff and I do know some people who have become quite obsessive about how they don't want to put on the heating. Which is fine.. BUT.. you do need to say ok- up to you, but if that's the case, I'm not going to stay longer than 5 minutes because I will freeze to death If the lack of heating matters that much to him, then yes, you aren't a good match

@eightxmaspaws I just find it lacking in manners I guess. I’m very frugal with heating to be fair!! But wouldn’t do that with a guest.

[quote TreeShaps]@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed Sounds lovely. How long did it take you to find him? I feel so so so old now.[/quote]
It took me about 6 months x

You feel like you are not arsed, because they don't wow you. And by that I mean they are not the ideal man you are looking for.

It can feel like every man is the same. Until you meet one that makes you feel very different.

Maybe get to know them a bit more before agreeing to meet. Or just accept that you may meet many men that are not right before you meet the one that is.

I would either take a break from dating or keep at it, but if they are not right for you just be honest with them. Admit there is no spark, or that you have different values etc.

Op, have you tried to ask questions of you notice red flags.. such as "oh are you really cautious with money" and see what they say. I have found that men have no problem asking these type of questions to clarify..I mentioned I needed to sort finances and was asked "so are you in debt". Reality is I am doing fine but need to review my investments.

However you could just be meeting poor quality men which sadly is reflective of the society. What age range are you interested in?

Honestly OP, get a cat and a vibrator. The cat will treat you like a man does, gives affection only when it wants something. The vibrator does the other thing a man is good for without all the shit.
Problem solved.

[quote TreeShaps]@eightxmaspaws I just find it lacking in manners I guess. I’m very frugal with heating to be fair!! But wouldn’t do that with a guest.[/quote]
Also hardly encouraging you to take your clothes off 🤣

Honestly it sounds like your shit men radar is ok, it's just your fishing pond is a bit full of toads

My sister in law was similar. Eventually she put it down to two things:

1. She just wasn't attracted to the sort of man who would try online dating - which she acknowledged was totally hypocritical, of course, but she couldn't get rid of some preconceived 'ick' factor about meeting someone with the sole intention of a relationship.

1. The dates felt artificial, even when she enjoyed them. It didn't feel like a natural way to meet a partner and compatability on paper doesn't mean much.

She eventually met someone through friends and is now happily married. She just couldn't make online dating work for her.

Thanks. It’s just so draining. I feel like every time I meet someone they will be keen to meet again and I know I won’t be bothered! I will keep trying but the cat and vibrator idea is sounding more and more likely.

Maybe it’s me who has the issue! I’m dating in and around Birmingham/into villages in surrounding area so should really have a range of people to go for, from all professions and backgrounds. Most people I meet are not on more than 50k though, which I find surprising in an age range of over 30-45.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with this - far too many women settle for the security of being in a relationship and end up unhappy long term. You haven't met a guy you click with yet and that's ok. Better to be on your own looking for Mr Right than trapped in an unhappy relationship because you settled.

[quote TreeShaps]@Joswis I don’t know what the answer is, I just want it to be like when I met people before and we did crack on and settle down. I can’t seem to find that anymore, just people who want it with me and I don’t feel the same. Is it really a case of faking it with someone versus loneliness? I’m so fed up[/quote]
You haven't found the right one yet. You will know when it's right.

The problem with OLD is that you get the same bunch of crap men going round and round the same apps. They're on there for years and come off every few months when someone pity dates them.
It does sound like you're probably dating down though. I know I was before I met my DP. I was used to dating men who weren't quite as intelligent as me, didn't earn quite as much etc, and were always older.
My DP is very much like me (so much so that we were concerned we might actually be related , we're not though, thank god) but the few differences we have affect the relationship positively. We both had oddly specific lists of requirements that a partner had to match.

I was like this. I tried OLD for a few months every once in a while then got frustrated at the lack of men I was interested in.

There was Mr tried to tell me I was wrong about something I researched for my Thesis...I gave him the time it took me to drink two glasses of wine then left. There was also a perfectly nice guy that I just didn't click with.

I was fed up of dating and , to be honest , happily single. Then I met my now husband and that all changed. It was unexpected.

My advice would be to keep going until you need a break , then take one until you're ready to give it another go. You're right to not settle.

I dont know how helpful this is so sorry if its not but just read your comment on wondering about a low level of depression. I didn't realise how depressed I was until I went on antidepressants. I could go out, have some fun, make jokes with colleagues so noone really knew but for a good 2 or 3 years had an overarching feeling of just not wanting to really bother with things i once loved. When some health conditions and lockdown was thrown in I ended up on antidepressants and now I understand that I haven't been myself for quite a while. I thought I was too busy to do the things I used to enjoy but, now I feel better, i just want to do them. Silly stuff like reading a book, painting which i used to love and catching up with a friend because i want to chat to them, not just because I think i should. I've learnt depression manifests itself in different ways. It's not just the well known, unable to get out of bed and hold down your job thing I thought it was.

But also, totally acceptable to bin the frugal guy! If that's what he's like on a date imagine what being in a relationship with him would be like!

PLEASE don't apologise for rejecting these men! You shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't feel right. Look at this as if the sexes were swapped... a man wouldn't feel bad for dating a lot of women and not wanting something serious with any of them. Letting them down is awkward but you need to do what's best for you. And enjoy it!