DP’s family don’t like me...

[User73625626]

DP and I have been together for 7 years and have 2 DC. I’m 5 years older than DP. I have an older DD from previous marriage.

My family have always been quite ‘woke’, grew up in a big city and I’d class myself as a feminist. DP’s family are very different. They’re quite traditional, come from a small village and don’t show interest in much outside the tabloids.

DP’s father was an emotionally abusive bully (Parents divorced when he was a child) and DP’s mother became a neglectful alcoholic. She is now very depressed, dependent on her D.C. and struggles to cope with life.

DP and I have always had a fairly tempestuous relationship. He can be quite domineering and dogmatic and his family especially his mum and sister have always enabled this IMO.

We fell out last year and in the heat of the moment is told him it’s no wonder my DD doesn’t like you. He told his sister and she said I’m very unreasonable and it sounds awful for him, DP and I want different things, my Comment made her sick, it was an awful thing to say and she’d have left.... We haven’t really spoken since.

I’ve always got on with his mum despite him finding her irritating. She visits And stays regularly which is nice. The last time DP and I got into a heated debate about feminism. He was talking over me and being obnoxious. She said nothing. It escalated, I got really mad and told him to leave. He told her loads of VERY one sided opinions about me, I obviously got angry and upset and she Then sprung into life and shouted at me!

So now I’ve fallen out with the two main members of his family. I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. I feel they mollycoddle him and never pull him up on his behaviour.

Why the hell are you with this opinionated prick ? He sounds vile.

He sounds like an emotionally abusive bully and a general all round dick. Bin him and it would solve all your problems with him and his horrible family.

I really don't think you should be having heated arguments in front of his family. Keep your arguments about feminism and other subjects for when you are alone!

Did you post about that incident?. I would reconsider your relationship op..

Why are you with someone like this man at all?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. His family of origin are really the same as he is too.

Would you want this sort of relationship for your DD?. Probably not so why is it supposedly good enough for you?.

He sounds like a knob from a family of knobs

You're a feminist but teaching your DD that there is a good enough reason to stay with a domineering bully of a man (that she hates). Hmm

Why doesn't your DD like him? I'd be concerning myself more about this than his silly family.

@myhobbyisouting

You're a feminist but teaching your DD that there is a good enough reason to stay with a domineering bully of a man (that she hates). Hmm

👆🏻

Thanks all. He works hard to better himself, he’s having therapy and genuinely does take stuff on board and makes permanent changes. After the feminism disagreement we’ve talked and he now understands and agrees with my points. He’s a work in progress as we all are to some extent. I feel his family hold him back emotionally, have done nothing to educate him growing up and will always (Admittedly) back Him to the hilt.

Falling out with your partner's mother and sister is the least of your problems. Have you even read what you wrote? Your relationship is a disaster.

You seem very ill matched and must have been from the word go, but clearly 2 children later and emotional and physical ties, you only just discovered this? He sounds obnoxious and it's clear his DM is so ground down by years of bullying form her H that her default mode is to preserve her relationship with her son. She just can't think for herself any more. Alcoholism isn't unusual as a coping mechanism, so I think this relationship with you is now gone too.

Unless your relationship with your P has other redeeming qualities I would look at whether it still has a future. He is clearly g turning into his dad

His relatives aren’t the problem. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

You say you’re a feminist but blame his mother for not intervening when he was berating you? Why was that her job rather than his job to not be a dick or you to walk away from the row and not be so rude in front of a visitor? Talk about wife work and finding a way to make his behaviour a woman’s responsibility

I also think you've posted this before and said he was moving out the day after. Tempestuous sounds like a euphemism for dysfunctional and abusive. Why are you with someone your daughter hates? Why are you with someone you think is a bully?

They generally get on very well, they had a phase of not getting on, she’s a teenager and he’s bossy in her opinion. I probably shouldn’t have said what I did to him but at the time it was true.

You won’t win. And tbh, you make it sound like he’s your project. Someone to improve. Relationships aren’t supposed to be “tempestuous “, that’s just a fancy way of saying you’re not well matched. His family are a red herring.

He needs years of therapy, not mere months, and even then it may not be successful. Can you afford to wait that long?. His whole family are dysfunctional?. You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour here in any relationship; being so does not work.

What sort of relationship example are you showing your DC here?. Is this what you would want for them too, for them to potentially go onto repeat this dysfunction within their lives too?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why are you with this man at all?.

Or sounds dysfunctional, both of you actually.
I think people use the term tempestuous relationship as some sort of normalisation of unreasonable behaviour of both people in the relationship.
You married a man who is different from you. I presume you knew he was. And it now seems that this irritates you and you want to change him. He obviously resists.
And the two of you are being nasty to each other in front of children.
Why is that necessary? What point are you making?

DP and I have always had a fairly tempestuous relationship. He can be quite domineering and dogmatic
This is enough reason to end it.
The fact that it escalated to a full blown shouting match in front of his family is awful. Get out of this horrible relationship and this odd family, or keep your arguments to yourself.

DP and I have always had a fairly tempestuous relationship. He can be quite domineering and dogmatic

Healthy relationships aren't described as tempestuous. It's a sort of slightly more romanticised way of saying 'dysfunctional'. You seem like an intelligent woman with lots going for you, so I can't understand why despite that and your feminist values you are continuing to display unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship modelling to your DD. Actions speak louder than words. Again, relationships described by the people in them as tempestuous / fiery etc are not healthy ones.

Yes I agree with most these posts. I do sometimes feel like he’s a ‘project’.
I also love him and the majority of the time he’s not overbearing dogmatic. it is a streak in him though and he’s working on it so my quandary is to leave him and have all the stresses of being a single parent or stay with him while he works hard to improve parts of his character which neither of us like and are a leftover of his weird upbringing.

@User73625626

They generally get on very well, they had a phase of not getting on, she’s a teenager and he’s bossy in her opinion. I probably shouldn’t have said what I did to him but at the time it was true.

At the time it was true and you wanted to hurt him. This is the part that sticks out to me, using your dc and his insecurities to get one up in an argument. I agree with his sister, I’d have ended it there. She’s right to go nc with you

I’m going to go a bit against the grain here. Purely based on what you’ve written, I don’t think either of you are covering yourselves in glory, both of you are sounding equally at fault as the other and both of you sound like you need to grow up and remember that two young children are watching you.

My family have always been quite ‘woke’, grew up in a big city and I’d class myself as a feminist. DP’s family are very different. They’re quite traditional, come from a small village and don’t show interest in much outside the tabloids.... DP’s father was an emotionally abusive bully (Parents divorced when he was a child) and DP’s mother became a neglectful alcoholic. She is now very depressed, dependent on her D.C. and struggles to cope with life. I’m struggling to see what either of these paragraphs have to do with the situation you’ve described, other than giving a sense that you feel that your family are somehow better than his?

DP and I have always had a fairly tempestuous relationship. He can be quite domineering and dogmatic and his family especially his mum and sister have always enabled this IMO. And yet you’ve introduced your DD to this and had another two children with him? What is it that you’ve done differently from his mum and sister?

We fell out last year and in the heat of the moment is told him it’s no wonder my DD doesn’t like you Does she dislike him? And if she does, was it really your place to tell him that? You two might make up and get over it, but he’s forever going to remember you said that and any relationship between him and your DD is going to be very awkward from that point on, all because you couldn’t control your temper and wanted to score points? How does your DD feel about this? Was she ready to make it public she didn’t like him? You’ve introduced what sounds like a horrible man into your daughter’s life and now you’re using her to try to hurt his feelings? That’s really shockingly poor behaviour from an adult.

He told his sister and she said I’m very unreasonable and it sounds awful for him, DP and I want different things, my Comment made her sick, it was an awful thing to say and she’d have left.... We haven’t really spoken since She’s got a point. It sounds like you have very different outlooks on life. It was an awful thing for you to say. And if she’s seeing that your relationship doesn’t seem to be very happy, then I’m not surprised she’s doing what lots of people on here are doing and encouraging him to think about why the two of you are together.

The last time DP and I got into a heated debate about feminism. He was talking over me and being obnoxious. She said nothing. It escalated, I got really mad and told him to leave. He told her loads of VERY one sided opinions about me, I obviously got angry and upset and she Then sprung into life and shouted at me! So you’re angry that she didn’t intervene when you wanted her to shut him down, but she did intervene when he wanted to shut you down? The whole situation sounds utterly toxic. What sort of example are you showing your kids? If he’s an obnoxious dickhead whose opinions you can’t stand, who runs you down to his family and who talks over you, then you realise he’s not right for you and you leave him. What you don’t do is have children with him, have screaming rows with him in front of other family members and then be surprised when his family support him rather than you. Why are you carrying on with this situation? You sound miserable. He sounds miserable. What’s the point?

And yes I do feel like I’m a rescuer/saviour In some aspects of our relationship.
I don’t know whether things would improve at all if we separate or life would be difficult in different ways.

Better to be on your own with your kids than to be so badly accompanied.

Such a man would need years of therapy, not mere months either. Again you may love him but I am wondering if you are confusing love with actually being codependent. His actions towards you are not loving ones are they. He was never your project either nor yours to rescue and or save.

@User73625626

Can you see how unhealthy it is to be showing your kids that this is what a relationship dynamic looks like?

Kids don't see 'tempestuous', they feel anxiety, stress, arguments, tension, shouting and awkwardness.