What's wrong with me / my relationship - feeling a bit lost

[littlemisslost88]

This is the first time I've ever tried to put everything in writing about my relationship and I'd love some advice as I don't feel at this stage there is anyone I can talk to openly about it without judgement.

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a long time. We are the same age and got together at 18, still together at 33. Both each other's only real relationship.

We still get on great, we have mutual friends, close to each other's families, shared interests and still have fun and don't run out of things to talk about.

We have lived together for 11 years now and own a house together. He's a lovely person with no temper or abusive traits at all, he gives me the freedom to do as I please and I do for him. We spend time together, sometimes not as much as I'd like because he sometimes does put his own hobbies or friends first. If I raise it he is receptive for a while, not a major issue though but sometimes I do feel a bit like 'part of the furniture' rather than a priority.

He doesn't really want to get married, and isn't the best with communicating tricky topics. Whenever I used to mention marriage he would say it changes nothing which I do understand. But also if he is happy with me and we are together this long, why so anti marriage? I never wanted to either but I don't know what I want anymore.

Our sex life is quite dead, used to be ok in the beginning, the past 5 years or so it's uneventful and a couple times a year max, always initiated by me. I think we are both uncomfortable discussing it to be honest which is strange as we are comfortable to discuss most other things.

I do want to be with him but also miss physical affection and emotional closeness. He will hug me but that's usually it, I have sometimes wondered if he could be asexual or gay, or if it's just me.

I'm not proud of myself but around a year ago an older colleague pursued me. I had lost a bit of weight (was never overweight) and things still hadn't changed between us. This man gave me lots of attention and flattery. In a moment of weakness we kissed a few times but I shut it down after that (he had a partner too and was in a sexless marriage - I know that justifies nothing here).

I've been trying to work on our relationship but I still feel a bit neglected and unwanted. Sometimes it feels more of a flatmates situation and I want to fix it. We have so much history and so love each other so I don't want to leave. But I also don't want to be a bad person and risk making another poor decision.

I have toyed with the idea of asking about an open relationship. I don't think he would be for it at all, and not even sure it's realistic. I don't want to be getting random sex from different men, I want intimacy and connection. He seems happy plodding along as we are with seemingly no sex drive.

I got curious one evening and went through all of his devices just in case there was someone else. Couldn't find any evidence and he is always where he says he is, open with his passcodes and has a location tracker on (not that I've ever asked him to put it on). I also don't think he watches porn or if he does I've never picked up on it. Not that I'd mind if he did I guess.

I just need to figure out a way forward here. Is opening up our relationship going to help in any way, or do I need to work on myself, accept things as they are or force him to have an uncomfortable chat? I have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues and these are worse since the pandemic, I think being at home has given me no escape and lead to overthinking all of this and wondering what to do as I know it's not healthy.

Aside from physical/emotional connection we do get on well and he is supportive in other ways. I don't want to lose what we have but something has to change here - he's a lovely person compared to some of the slime bags here that some people find themselves with, but I feel like just 'putting up' with things isn't good for anyone.

Im starting to feel like all relationships will develop major problems over time and questioning the meaning of it all. I feel lost, scared and upset at what to do here. I'm so torn, I really don't want to lose him as he's a great companion and a lovely person in every other way.

Has anyone else been here or got any advice to give?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your opinions on this with me. I'm very emotional right now but really do appreciate everyone's insight and different views as it's helping me to see this from all angles.

I know I need to have a conversation and then take it from there. I know that mentally I am in a very bad place and I know that my self esteem are at zero, neither of which are working for me in moving forward with this.

I also don't feel as though I have tons of friends, a couple close ones and I'm terrified of being alone. I have a lot of thinking to do.

My heart goes out to you. Would you consider a bit of counselling for yourself? Just to kind of centre yourself. If you talk things through with someone it might help you get a clearer picture of what you want and need.

It comes down to being happy and fulfilled, and while you don't need to be in a relationship for that, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship and actually being lonely. You sound lonely.

I'm not getting a clear impression of what your life together is like. These dinners and days out and holidays, who arranges those? What do you do at weekends? Who cleans the house? Who does the cooking and shopping? Does he ever do anything spontaneously nice for you? How often does he go to the hobbies you mentioned? Does he do things that make your life easier? Does he do little every day things for you?

Do you know what? Just have the conversation, it sounds like out of the 2 of you, it's you who has the balls to bring it up, so it is going to be down to you.
To anyone sensible twice a year is untenable.
How to, well you know him best. I'd say don't try to discuss in bed at night - worst place. Maybe, meal in, glass of wine, and chat. Let him know you feel like you need to resolve things as the relationship will not survive in its current state, and you will have to consider leaving if things cannot be sorted out. If that doesn't shock him into discussion, you are battling against major apathy. Before the talk, consider what you would think you need, how you want to reconnect. Don't get caught blaming, open questions so he has to talk, get into how he feels.

I’d have a talk like this while you are out for a walk. It can be easier when you are not face to face but side by side. Obviously in a quiet park / countryside and not a busy street!

What have you tried physically to see if he’s interested?

Have you set the scene? Walked about in nice underwear? Asked him to join you in the shower? What would his reaction be?

This is really tough, because the relationship sounds really good. You spent time together, get on well, talk, hug and kiss.

I suppose you have to decide whether you mind living like this. I'm also in a low sex relationship and I also felt depressed about it, but over time I've realised that for me it's acceptable. Not that I'm saying you should make the same decision. But it is an option. The only thing you shouldn't do it stay thinking/hoping it may change, as it definitely won't. There is no such thing as "regaining the spark" after 15 years, especially when one of the people has a low sex drive.

Sorry if I've missed this but do either of you want children? This would effect my advice. If you both do, honestly I'd stay. If you do and he doesn't, leave immediately. If you both don't, you can take a little more time to make your decision.

A relationship with no sex is not a relationship at all. It reads like you are just friends.
At your age you should be having rampant sex. I'm in my sixties and get more sex than you OP although it is far from rampant

The thing which concerns me the most for you , is this huge fear you have of being alone. If you took that fear away, you'd be able to make life decisions which were actually right for you

I also don't feel as though I have tons of friends, a couple close ones and I'm terrified of being alone.
This is a crappy time for improving your social life, alas! Next year will be better. But realising this is very good. When you're in a relationship, it's so easy to get a bit lazy about maintaining your own, independent life outside it - but that can actually be something that keeps your relationship fresh. You have new ideas to bring home, and a confident, happier you keeps your partner on his toes. A social life is a bit hard to launch right now, but you could certainly start working on some new goals/activities/interests straight away, so you feel more confident, and know you'd have plenty to do if you were alone. Next year you can then invest in your social life too.
When I broke up with my exh of 20 years, I started doing more with other people, and working on my own plans, and it was actually lovely to feel like the "old me" again, even if it was by necessity. I should have done it when I was still married.

I'm not encouraging you to break up with your dp, though - I'm encouraging you to think about whether you really do want to stay with him. Don't just do it because you think it's your only option. That won't make you happy.

You mention how you feel about other potential relationships: "What's to say I will find that any time soon though, or that there won't be further problems somewhere down the line? Differing views, infidelity, other shitty personality traits" And you're comparing that negative scenario with the "best-case" scenario that you and your dh potter along fairly contentedly until you're in your 80s or 90s. But your dh could just as easily have an affair. Or he could become ill and you end up his carer. Or things could just get less and less contented and more irritable and bored.

Yes, if you broke up and had a new relationship, that imaginary man might turn out to be crap in another 10 years' time, and you might leave him and find another imaginary man :) That's how life is for many/most people... a series of relationships, some better, some worse, with good times and bad times. It's not all neat and tidy and perfect. But it's not a terrible disaster or failure.

Look out for your mental health and be a bit kind to yourself. Get support from family or professionals if you need it.

Thanks for the support everyone it really means so much right now.

I am currently talking to a therapist about my anxieties/mild OCD but haven't ventured into relationship territory yet. Definitely would be worth me bringing that up too.

My emotions just went to pieces last night and he caught me in floods of tears so I just did my best to tumble everything I felt out to him. I could tell he was uncomfortable (as was I) but he was supportive and open to talking. I find it difficult to explicitly say our sex life is a problem, but I mentioned feeling like flat mates, affection, not feeling so close so I think he got the message.

One thing I was taken aback by is him saying that he agrees he probably isn't the most affectionate of people and had just got comfortable and into bad habits.. he did seem very receptive to work on that. But he also said he doesn't feel that I am overly affectionate sometimes too... so I wonder if I have without realising been distant and pulling away which has lead to him feeling uncertain about doing so too.

We did have a very honest chat and admitted we do both still want to be together and to try and find our way out of this. I'm not quite sure what the next steps are but he was very cuddly through the night and in bed this morning. I want this to be progress without being forced, which I don't think it is but just don't want us to rush to being all over each other from the distance that was there before.

We have no children. He has spoken about it before but seems on the fence, I am too and I think with my own head being not the most stable that maybe I don't want them. It's not a priority for me to right now and if it doesn't happen I am ok with it.

I'm hoping once restrictions lift we can try and get out and about and do fun things more, but in the meantime I'll see whether we can schedule things within our current limits and go from there.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to help me with this, I couldn't be any more grateful right now.

I'm glad you've had a chat with him. It does sound like you could both benefit from counselling and from talking to each other explicitly about sex.

Definitely bring it up with your counsellor or s/he won't be able to offer useful advice on your anxieties, not knowing the context.

Your dp certainly sounds like he's willing, but if you're both so coy about talking about sex then it will be so much harder! Double guessing one another never works. How about preparing a sentence beforehand that you then just spit out and get the subject launched? "I feel like my sex life is over at 33 and it's not normal"? Plus a ready-prepared response for if he says anything about finding it hard to talk about - "If we can't talk about difficult things, what kind of a relationship is it?" Practice saying whatever you come up with in the mirror, and then really just blurt it out.

Op 😢 reading this brought so much old feelings back to me . Even tho you love each other I think deep down you have both outgrown each other . This happens a lot when you get together at a young age and stay together for years . I know friends from school who are like this . They like look the perfect family on the outside but obviously being from a small town you get to know what's really going on . She's not happy at all and he is out loving life with the boys and also sleeping who who ever really will sleep with him. They stay together because they love each other but that's not enough sometimes . Also they are too scared to move on because all they have been used to is each other . When sex goes down the drain I always think there is a bigger reason than the person just going off it . X

@ravenmum

Definitely bring it up with your counsellor or s/he won't be able to offer useful advice on your anxieties, not knowing the context.

Your dp certainly sounds like he's willing, but if you're both so coy about talking about sex then it will be so much harder! Double guessing one another never works. How about preparing a sentence beforehand that you then just spit out and get the subject launched? "I feel like my sex life is over at 33 and it's not normal"? Plus a ready-prepared response for if he says anything about finding it hard to talk about - "If we can't talk about difficult things, what kind of a relationship is it?" Practice saying whatever you come up with in the mirror, and then really just blurt it out.

Thank you that's really good advice. I guess I myself can be a bit awkward in some areas so until I face that head on then how do I expect him to.

@whataday12

Op 😢 reading this brought so much old feelings back to me . Even tho you love each other I think deep down you have both outgrown each other . This happens a lot when you get together at a young age and stay together for years . I know friends from school who are like this . They like look the perfect family on the outside but obviously being from a small town you get to know what's really going on . She's not happy at all and he is out loving life with the boys and also sleeping who who ever really will sleep with him. They stay together because they love each other but that's not enough sometimes . Also they are too scared to move on because all they have been used to is each other . When sex goes down the drain I always think there is a bigger reason than the person just going off it . X

Thank you, you could be right. I was so disappointed in myself for allowing my head to be turned. I stopped it but have often thought about it. I don't think things are black and white - although we may have outgrown in some ways I feel like outside of the physical we are still close and connected so I just need to figure out if we work on bridging the gap or if it's unable to be fixed.

At the moment I'm choosing to be optimistic that we can fix this. After all, so many parents, grandparents etc errr together from young their entire lives. Is it a case of the grass isn't always greener now that we have social media, more freedom and constantly feel everyone else is living their best life..

Hi op me again i didn't read the comments just read your last one about opening up last night . Also I know what it's like to be scared of ending up alone . It's horrible but i make my self laugh because if I was giving advise to anyone else I'd be like bloody leave him! Youl find somone else ect ect 😳. I really hope you two manage to work it out . My partner says I am not that affectionate where I think I always am I I think he's the problem . Good luck op x

I hate social media . I am on it tho but obviously people use it for different things . I would of loved to of be born in my nans times . The storeys she used to tell me . How romantic everything was . And you are right not many distractions and people to constantly compare us too . I went on my partners Instagram yesterday and it turned me sick. Even tho he isn't following anything but football the amount of half naked women on there was disturbing. Same goes as Twitter he constantly has random porn on his feed . But I do think the internet is ruining relationships and worse it's going to get x

Glad you managed to talk. Hopefully it will be the start of more (and easier) conversations.

I think your head was turned because somebody paid attention to you, and you're missing that. We all need to feel loved and wanted.

Thank you all. This is such a supportive place on the internet and I'm so grateful for it during these tough times. I feel like lockdown and all the issues this year has brought have left me questioning everything in my life, and mentally I'm so weak.

I probably should mention I am still in touch with the other man. Nothing untoward is going on but I really value his friendship and would hate to lose that. If I were to split up with my partner I don't ever plan to go running into his arms at all. I think we have had a good friendship come out of this and have made it clear that is all it will ever be. I'm making sure it's not a secret to anyone and I hope that means we do get to keep a platonic friendship as we have a lot in common, and are being sure to respect boundaries after the blip before.

Just need to focus on getting through the rest of this year and seeing what the future brings. Really appreciate all the support.